The Journey and the Dream

[~SilverSoul]

I just thought I would try my hand at writing. Give me your thoughts, opinions, whatever.
This story is about a young boy in Johto named Brady who is old enough to start his pokemon adventure.

Chapter 1
The Adventure Begins

Which one?

Brady ran the question through his head as he lay in bed. The following day he was going to finally start his pokemon adventure, and he needed to decide which starter pokemon he was going to pick. He had run this question in his head for years, but he loved all three starter pokemon Johto had to offer. It turned out to be one of the most difficult decisions of Brady's life.

Okay, let us think through the choices again, Brady said in his head. First there is the grass pokemon, chikorita.

Brady could just imagine the small grass pokemon performing razor leaf, striking the foe to the ground. He had heard from countless trainers that it was the easiest to raise out of the three starters.

But then there's totodile....

Brady couldn't really imagine the pokemon battling - just dancing. He quietly laughed in his sleep as he thought how great it would be to have a fun partner like that.

And then there's cyndaquil...

The Pokemon looked cute, but Brady knew it could easily be the strongest starter if raised properly. He could just see the small Pokemon in action, the flames shooting out of his back and it blasting its opponents.

Brady drifted away from his thoughts of the starter pokemon to his own dreams. In his dreams he saw himself holding a large, golden trophy high in the air, the Johto League Cup! He didn't want that to be a dream. He wanted that to be reality. His dream for years was to enter and win the Johto League. He saw himself each day in his dreams and daydreams holding the cup.

The next thing Brady knew, it was morning. His alarm clock began to ring, filling the whole room with noise. Brady whipped around and slammed his hand on the alarm, quieting it. He immediately got up and began to get ready.

Brady put on his selection of clothing. First, he put on a pair of baggy shorts and a white t-shirt with a Pokeball logo on the front. Over the shirt he put on a red vest that had many pockets on it; they would be useful for storing various objects. To finish it off, Brady put on a red and white cap with the same Pokeball logo.

Brady then went to the bathroom to wash up a little before he left. When he looked in the mirror he saw a young, average-sized boy looking back at him. His eyes were the most noticable thing on his face for they covered most of it. His baggy clothes made him look smaller than he actually was. Even with a cap on, he had a lot of brown hair sticking out everywhere.

After splashing some water on his face and brushing his teeth, Brady went downstairs to the kitchen to say goodbye to his family. When he arrived, he found his mother and two younger brothers there waiting for him.

The first thing Brady's mom did was break down into tears. She threw her arms over his shoulders and wouldn't let go for anything.

"Oh, I can't believe my little baby boy is leaving home!" she bawled.

"Oh, please, Mom. I'm eleven years!" Brady replied, trying to pry her off. " I'm old enough to take care of myself! And I'll have Pokemon with me!" He managed to push her off, though she continued to cry.

Brady looked around the kitchen and noticed the absence of somebody, his older brother, Red.

Brady looked at his younger brothers. "Where did Red go?" Brady asked.

. "He took off this morning, apparently on his own Pokemon adventure," his younger brother, Matthew, replied. " I guess he took off without anyone knowing so he wouldn't run into this," his brother continued pointing at the hysterical woman.

"Here," his other brother said shoving an object into Brady's hand. It was a PokeGear, a small device that had many handy gadgets including a phone a map of the Johto region. "Mom was gonna give it to you, but I don't think she can at the moment."

"Uh, thanks," Brady said putting the PokeGear in his pocket. "I'll call later after she has probably calmed down a bit." Brady said his final goodbyes and walked out the front door.

Brady walked out into New Bark Town, the town he was born and raised in. It was a very small and quiet town only having a few houses and Professor Elm's lab. Brady headed straight over to the lab to receive his starter Pokemon.

The professor was waiting for Brady as soon as he arrived. "Hello, Brady!" he cheerfully greeted.

Brady waved back at the professor and walked over to him. "So where are the starter Pokemon?"

He didn't mean to sound so rude. He was too excited to receive his first Pokemon.

Brady still hadn't decided which pokemon he wanted. He decided he would choose by randomly picking a pokeball and then going with the pokemon inside. It was a pitiful way, but Brady couldn't think of any other way to choose.

"Brady, I have some bad news...." said the Professor. "Two trainers have already came and claimed two of the Pokemon. I'm afraid there is only one left."

Brady looked at the professor in shock. He couldn't believe that two of the pokemon were gone already. But he figured this made his job easier since he never picked a pokemon.

"Then professor let me have it!" Brady exclaimed. "I never really made my decision anyway. I'll take whatever Pokemon it is!"

"Gold, it's okay, the Pokemon isn't going anywhere!" said the professor laughing.

Professor Elm walked over to the glass case and pulled out the last pokeball. He handed it over to Brady.
Brady couldn't believe it. He was holding his first pokeball with his first pokemon inside. He didn't know what to do.

"Open it up," urgued Elm. "Your partner is inside there waiting for a new trainer."

Brady clicked the white button in the middle of the red and white pokeball. A burst of red light shot out of the ball. It formed a shape until a pokemon appeared. Brady came face to face with his new partner.

Brady was in front of a Cyndaquil. As he looked at it, he couldn't help but smile. The Pokemon was extremely cute with its small body and long snout. He picked the Pokemon up.

"Hello, Cyndaquil," Brady said gleefully.

"Cyn, Cyn!" It replied. It was happy to be with its new trainer.

The professor laughed. "It looks like you're already friends!" he said. He handed Brady some pokeballs and a device. "It's a pokedex," he explained, "You can record information on pokemon with that."

"Thanks, professor," said Brady. He placed the pokedex and pokeballs in his vest pockets. Brady left the Pokemon lab and headed for the edge of the city. He looked back at the town he grew up in and felt great sadness, but also great excitement for he knew this was just the beginning of his adventure.

Much more editing to be done. I'll do the rest tomorrow.

 

[Banov]

Brady's dreams of becoming a champion are well described here; but the whole thing is flawed because it's about as cliche as a fanfiction can get. New trainer gets starter and leaves town! Now to go fight gym leaders and enter the pokemon league tournament!

Still, I give you credit because even though it's the classic story, you've described it well enough that I'd actually be interested to follow Brady. It would be better if you could veer off the beaten path sometime soon, though.

 

[BREAKINGBEN]

Two things here.

A.) WALL OF TEXT! Learn to use the 'Enter' button please! Press once for a new paragraph, and twice when another person is speaking.

B.) Spelling. Professor is spelled wrong constantly throughout the entire chapter. Use Microsoft Word to write your chapters and spell check your words. :/.

Once again we see an OT fic. Trainer wakes up, eats breakfast, get Pokemon, leaves hometown. Too bland and overused. Please be more creative with this, don't just stick with story lines already used in games/shows.

Also... this seems oddly familiar... like something I wrote. Trainer named Brady... Johto region... Cyndaquil as a starter... srsly?!! I'm very skeptical of this story man... but it may just be a coincidence... >:(.

 

[~SilverSoul]

I have seriously never read your story. I just picked a random name and random starter pokemon. That's just really weird. I know the story's kind of bland. I thought it would be good for my first story. I'm planning on writing some interesting ones after this.
I'll fix my mistakes before I start the next chapter.

 

[Banov]

II'm planning on writing some interesting ones after this.

Why wait? There's no reason not to start being original from the beginning.

 

[~SilverSoul]

Why wait? There's no reason not to start being original from the beginning.

yeah, I going to try to add some twists in this story too. I'm not going to make it like go to first gym, okay got the badge now next gym, okay next gym. Im going to try to put some fun things in the middle.

I just mean that my next story will not be about the classic pokemon adventure even though I do enjoy reading them

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Har har har!!!
Quote Review time!

The following day he was going to finally start his Pokemon adventure and he needed to decide which starter Pokemon he was going to pick.

Pokemon needs capitals!

Brady put on his selection of clothing. First he put on a pair of baggy shorts and a white T-Shirt with a Pokeball logo on the front.

Same problem here!

"Oh, please, mom," Brady replied trying to pry the woman off him,

It doesn't sound like it's his mum.
Also, you don't need "off of him". You just need "off him".

Brady walked out into New Bark Town, the town he was born and raised in.

Not quite as much sense here...xD

"Well, come on!" Professor Elm urged. "Open it up and meet your first pokemon!"

Met? You mean MEET.

Brady clicked the white button in the middle of the red and white pokemon.

What the! A Pokemon has a button now?? I mean come on, Voltorbs aren't THAT Pokeballish!

A lot more mistakes with capitalisation...but it's not too bad...
Just remember to PROOF READ.

 

[~SilverSoul]

WHOOPS!! I totally missed the pokemon pokeball thing. That's so embarrasing....

 

[blu3mark3r]

I just thought I would try my hand at writing. Give me your thoughts, opinions, whatever.
This story is about a young boy in Johto named Brady who is old enough to start his pokemon adventure.

Chapter 1
The Adventure Begins

Which one?
Brady ran the question through his head as he laid in bed. The following day he was going to finally start his pokemon adventure and he needed to decide which starter pokemon he was going to pick. He had ran this question in his head for years, but he loved all three starter pokemon Johto had to offer. It turned out to be one of the most difficult decisions of Brady's life.
Okay, lets think through the choices again, Brady said in his head. First there is the grass pokemon, Chikorita.
Brady could just imagine the small grass pokemon performing razor leaf, striking the foe to the ground. He heard from countless trainers that it was the easiest to raise out of the three starters.
But then there's Totodile....
Brady couldn't really imagine the pokemon battling; just dancing. He quietly laughed in his sleep as he thought how great it would be to have a fun partner like that.
And then there's Cyndaquil...
The pokemon looked cute, but Brady knew it could easily be the strongest starter if raised properly. He could just see the small pokemon in action, the flames shooting out of his back and it blasting its opponents.
Just as he was finished thinking about the starter he was going to pick, Brady fell asleep. In his dreams he saw himself holding a large, golden trophy high in the air, the Johto League Cup! He didn't want that to be a dream, he wanted that to be reality. His dream for years was to enter and win the Johto League. He saw himself everyday in his dreams and daydreams holding the cup.
Next thing Brady knew, it was morning. His alarm clock began to ring, filling the whole room with noise. Brady whipped around and slammed his hand on the alarm, quieting it. He immediately got up and began to get ready.
Brady put on his selection of clothing. First he put on a pair of baggy shorts and a white T-Shirt with a pokeball logo on the front. Over the shirt he put on a red vest that had many pockets on it; it would be useful for storing various objects. To finish it off, Brady put on a red and white cap with the same pokeball logo.
Brady grabbed his backpack and headed downstairs to the kitchen. He was greeted by his mother and two younger brothers.

The first thing Brady's mom did was break out into tears. She threw her arms over him and wouldn't let go for anything. "Oh, I can't believe my little baby boy is leaving home!" she bawled.

"Oh, please, mom," Brady replied trying to pry the woman off of him, "I'm eleven years old, I'm old enough to take care of myself! And I'll have pokemon with me!" He managed to push her off, though she continued to cry.
Brady looked around the kitchen and noticed the absence of somebody, his older brother Red.
Brady looked at his younger brothers. "Where did Red go?" Brady asked.

His younger brother Matthew spoke up. "He took off this morning, apparently on his own pokemon adventure," he replied. " I guess he took off without anyone knowing so he wouldn't run into this," his brother continued pointing at the hysterical woman.

"Here," his other brother said shoving an object into Brady's hand. It was a PokeGear, a small device that had many handy gadgets including a phone a map of the Johto region. "Mom was gonna give it to you, but I don't think she can at the moment."

"Uh, thanks," Brady said putting the PokeGear in his pocket. "I'll call later after she has probably calmed down a bit." Brady said his final goodbyes and walked out the front door.

Brady walked out into New Bark Town, the town he was born and raised. It was a very small and quiet town only having a few houses and Professor Elm's lab. Brady headed straight over to the lab to receive his starter pokemon.

The professor was waiting for Brady as soon as he arrived. "Hello, Brady!" he cheerfully greeted.

Brady waved back at the professor and walked over to him. "So where are the starter pokemon?"

Brady still hadn't decided which pokemon he wanted. He decided he would choose by randomly picking a pokeball and then going with the pokemon inside. It was a pitiful way, but Brady couldn't think of any other way to choose.

"Brady, I have some bad news...." said the professor. "Two trainers have already came and claimed two of the pokemon. I'm afraid there is only one left."

"Then professor let me have it!" Brady exclaimed. "I never really made my decision anyway. I'll take whatever pokemon it is!"

Professor Elm walked over to the glass case and pulled out the last pokeball. He handed it over to Brady.
Brady couldn't believe it. He was holding his first pokeball with his first pokemon inside. He didn't know what to do.

"Well, come on!" Professor Elm urged. "Open it up and met your first pokemon!"

Brady clicked the white button in the middle of the red and white pokemon. A burst of red light shot out of the ball. It formed a shape until a pokemon appeared. Brady came face to face with his new partner.
Brady was in front of a cyndaquil. As he looked at it, he couldn't help but smile. The pokemon was extremely cute with its small body and long snout. He picked the pokemon up. "Hello, cyndaquil," Brady said gleefully.

"Cyn, Cyn!" It replied. It was happy to be with its new trainer.

The professor laughed. "It looks like you're already friends!" he said. He handed Brady some pokeballs and a device. "It's a pokedex," he explained, "You can record information on pokemon with that."

"Thanks, professor," said Brady. He placed the pokedex and pokeballs in his vest pockets. Brady left the pokemon lab and headed for the edge of the city. He looked back at the town he grew up in and felt great sadness, but also great excitement for he knew this was just the beginning of his adventure.

cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Banov]

Har har har!!!
Quote Review time!


Pokemon needs capitals!

Same problem here!

'Pokemon' doesn't need to be capital. That's up to the writer. Personally, I leave it lowercase. After all, we don't capitalize the word 'animal.'

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

I guess...but Pokemon is a proper noun...I think...:D
We capitalise the species of Pokemon but not species of animals!

 

[JX Valentine]

I'd hate to butt in without reviewing the story itself (I'd personally like to wait until you edit, given that you said you would.), but I'd like to point one thing out...

I guess...but Pokemon is a proper noun...

A Pikachu would not be a proper noun. It is, by strict definition, a common noun. The only reason why people capitalize anything related to Pokemon is because many of them are actually trademarked. And canon tends to do it anyway.

I think...:D
We capitalise the species of Pokemon but not species of animals!

Not necessarily. The people who don't capitalize the word "Pokemon" also don't capitalize Pokemon species while taking into consideration that, yes, you don't capitalize "cat" or "dog," either.

However, in this fanfiction, you were half right. The author capitalized the names of species but not the word "Pokemon" itself. That means Pika_Master will need to go back and decide which method to use: to capitalize everything related to Pokemon or to keep everything lowercase (except for when the species name is the Pokemon's actual name -- like "Ash's pikachu is named Pikachu"). It's not possible to do both because that would be inconsistent.

 

[~SilverSoul]

I'll just leave pokemon capitalized this chapter but next chapter I'll leave pokemon lower-case unless I refer to a pokemon as "the Pokemon." Make sense? I actually think this is what you guys were already saying.

I've also decided to kind of make this a community thing. If anybody has ideas for this story, PM me. It could probably make this story a little bit better with a variety of different ideas from different people. This could be problems Brady faces or different gym stragedies he can use (after you learn which pokemon he is taking). I'll try to use your ideas if I think they're good and give you credit for it.

Yeah, I've edited it, Jax Malcolm, but if anybody catches anymore mistakes, please tell me and I'll fix it. :)

 

[JX Valentine]

I'll just leave pokemon capitalized this chapter but next chapter I'll leave pokemon lower-case unless I refer to a pokemon as "the Pokemon." Make sense? I actually think this is what you guys were already saying.

Actually, not really. See, there's a difference between a proper noun and a common noun.

A proper noun, which is almost always capitalized unless you have a really good reason for not doing so, is the name of a specific object, person, or place. So, for example, Pikachu if it's used as a name. Ash Ketchum if that's his name. Pallet Town if that's the name of the place.

A common noun, which is generally lowercase, is the name of just any object, person, thing, or idea. So, if you're talking about not just Pikachu but also his kind in general, that can read pikachu. Likewise, Ash's kind would be people, and more than one town like Pallet is a town.

What we're trying to say is that the word "Pokemon," in almost all cases, is a common noun. Likewise for every Pokemon species (except when they're used as the actual names of individuals, like Ash's being actually called Pikachu). However, they're also trademarked, which means you can capitalize them or not, depending on your preference. If you capitalize Pokemon species names like Chikorita and Totodile (as you had in the first chapter), then the word "Pokemon" should be capitalized as well for consistency. Otherwise, everything should be lowercase unless they're actual names of specific things.

Calling something "the Pokemon" would still be incorrect if you were going to leave everything else lowercase because in this case, the word "Pokemon" is still a common noun, not a proper one. If the Pokemon's name was Pokemon, then it'd be correct.

See what I mean?

As for the review, I'm working on it. I'll edit this post when I'm done.

 

[~SilverSoul]

Actually, not really. See, there's a difference between a proper noun and a common noun.

A proper noun, which is almost always capitalized unless you have a really good reason for not doing so, is the name of a specific object, person, or place. So, for example, Pikachu if it's used as a name. Ash Ketchum if that's his name. Pallet Town if that's the name of the place.

A common noun, which is generally lowercase, is the name of just any object, person, thing, or idea. So, if you're talking about not just Pikachu but also his kind in general, that can read pikachu. Likewise, Ash's kind would be people, and more than one town like Pallet is a town.

What we're trying to say is that the word "Pokemon," in almost all cases, is a common noun. Likewise for every Pokemon species (except when they're used as the actual names of individuals, like Ash's being actually called Pikachu). However, they're also trademarked, which means you can capitalize them or not, depending on your preference. If you capitalize Pokemon species names like Chikorita and Totodile (as you had in the first chapter), then the word "Pokemon" should be capitalized as well for consistency. Otherwise, everything should be lowercase unless they're actual names of specific things.

Calling something "the Pokemon" would still be incorrect if you were going to leave everything else lowercase because in this case, the word "Pokemon" is still a common noun, not a proper one. If the Pokemon's name was Pokemon, then it'd be correct.

See what I mean?

As for the review, I'm working on it. I'll edit this post when I'm done.

gotcha. thanks for pointing that out.

as for the story, I am currently working on the second chapter

 

[JX Valentine]

Finished the review.

Okay, starting off, you need to do two things:

1. Don't use font or color tags. Just don't. You don't know what skin your readers are using, so you may be making it more difficult for them to read your fic. That's a bad thing.

2. Put an extra space between each new paragraph. That is, when you hit the enter key, don't hit it once. Hit it twice. That's because your reader doesn't want to read through anything that would be more difficult than usual for them to read, and making things one big block of text actually adds a level of difficulty for reading it, even if it's slight. It means we have to constantly remind ourselves where we are in the story, and it means we're more likely to skip a line or lose our place. So, for the sake of the reader, put extra space between each paragraph.

That said…

as he laid in bed.

The past tense form of "to lie" is actually "lay." Laid is actually the past tense of "lay," which means "to set or place an object in a certain position."

Yeah, confusing, but that's the English language for you.

The following day he was going to finally start his pokemon adventure and he needed to decide which starter pokemon he was going to pick.

Let me share a little tip with you: When you go to write a sentence that has "and" or another conjunction (but, or, for, nor, yet, so), cover half the sentence (including the conjunction) up and read the other half aloud. If that makes sense as its own sentence, move your hand so that you cover the conjunction and the second half of the sentence. Read the remaining part aloud.

If both parts of the sentence make sense on their own, then you have a compound sentence, and you need a comma before the conjunction, just like I've done here (and like you do in the sentence following this one). Otherwise, you actually create sort of a run-on.

For the sake of making things easy, this is a guide to the basic comma rules. It's very thorough and incredibly helpful, so I highly recommend reading through it.

He had ran

Had run. Ran is actually a different tense that doesn't go with "had."

lets

Apostrophe after the t. This is actually a conjunction of "let us."

the grass pokemon, Chikorita

As I've said before, unless you're talking about an individual Pokémon named Chikorita, you'll want to keep this lowercase (given that you keep "Pokémon" lowercase as well). Same thing goes with other Pokémon names in this chapter.

He heard

Since you're talking about an event that happened before Brady sits down to think about his choices, you'll actually want a "had" in there.

(There's actually a name for this, and the Wikipedia article explains it better than I can. Alternatively, look it up – "pluperfect.")

from countless trainers that it was the easiest to raise out of the three starters.

XD Until Falkner, Bugsy, and Jasmine.

Brady couldn't really imagine the pokemon battling; just dancing.

Replace the semicolon with a dash. Semicolons are only used to connect:

1. Two independent clauses (phrases that could be their own sentences) that are very closely related.
2. Three or more items in a list if each item has a comma in it.

A dash, meanwhile, indicates a parenthetical (or a piece of a sentence that doesn't necessarily have to be there – like this), but it does so with a short pause, which you probably want.

And then there's Cyndaquil

…The more I'm reading this, the more I'm getting flashbacks to the first episode of the anime.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, but just keep in mind that everyone and their mothers have written OT fics in which the beginning of a trainer's journey mirror Ash's.

Just as he was finished thinking about the starter he was going to pick, Brady fell asleep.

Wasn't he already asleep, given that you mentioned he was laughing quietly in his sleep earlier? O_o

He didn't want that to be a dream, he wanted that to be reality.

This would be a run-on sentence, which means it's two sentences mashed together by a comma (or lack of any punctuation). All you need to do to fix this is drop the comma and opt for a period instead to start a new sentence.

He saw himself everyday

Every day. He's not ordinary, so you actually want to separate the two words to indicate that you mean each day.

Next thing Brady knew,

The next thing. Just leaving it at "next thing" is actually slang, which you really want to avoid as the narrator.

First

Comma after this. It's an introduction word, so you need to separate it from the rest of the sentence.

T-Shirt with a Pokeball logo on the front.

It's not actually necessary to capitalize t-shirt. Also, "Poké Ball" is two words. (You can see this in the games.)

Over the shirt he put on a red vest that had many pockets on it; it would be useful for storing various objects.

Just to point out an example, I'd say this is probably correct for the use of semicolons. Still, you may want to clarify whether "it" refers to the pockets or the vest.

Brady grabbed his backpack and headed downstairs to the kitchen.

Right about now, I'd like to stop and say while you've mentioned his clothing, we still don't know what Brady actually looks like. We don't know whether he's tall or short, what color his hair and eyes are, or anything else like that. While it's good to know what he's wearing, it's also good to know those details as well because he's the main character, so we need to be able to picture him as closely to your mental image as you can get us.

The first thing Brady's mom did was break out into tears.

Break down. "Break out" just makes it sound like she came down with a disease.

She threw her arms over him

Around him unless this is an indication of his height. (As in, if she missed and went over his head, then yeah, her arms would be over him. If she hugged him, then they should be around him.)

"Oh, I can't believe my little baby boy is leaving home!" she bawled.

This should be in its own paragraph because she started speaking.

"Oh, please, mom,"

Capitalize "mom" here. It's actually being used as a name in this case, so it serves as a proper noun. (You can tell by replacing the word "mom" with a name like Susan or Carol.)

Brady replied trying to pry her off,

Move the comma to just after "replied" to separate the dependent clause from the rest of the sentence.

Also, put a period at the end. The reason why I'm having you do this is because Brady's started a new sentence. Drop the dialogue tag (the part that tells us what Brady is doing) as well as the quotation marks, and you'll see what I mean. If you have a comma after "off," then you'd have a comma between "Oh, please, Mom" and "I'm eleven years old." So, you'd end up having this:

"Oh, please, Mom, I'm eleven years old."

If you have a period, then it ends up saying this:

"Oh, please, Mom. I'm eleven years old."

While the first example could be correct, the second emphasizes his disgust with her reaction.

"I'm eleven years old, I'm old enough to take care of myself!

Exclamation point or a period instead of a comma. Otherwise, this becomes a run-on.

His younger brother Matthew spoke up. "He took off this morning, apparently on his own Pokemon adventure," he replied.

Try this: Move "his younger brother Matthew" over to replace the word "he" just before "replied" so you get:

"He took off this morning, apparently on his own Pokémon adventure," his younger brother, Matthew, replied.

Notice how clean it looks compared to sticking an extra sentence in front of the dialogue? The extra sentence really says the same thing as the dialogue tag itself, so you really don't need it as long as you can rearrange your paragraph to make it make sense.

Also, yeah, since there's more than one younger brother, you need the commas around Matthew's name. Otherwise, you're implying that there's only one brother, and his name is Matthew.

" I guess he took off without anyone knowing so he wouldn't run into this," his brother continued pointing at the hysterical woman.

Since you already have a dialogue tag, you don't need another one in the paragraph. So, what do you do to show us that Brady's brother is pointing at his mother?

Try this:

"I guess he took off without anyone knowing so he wouldn't run into this." His brother pointed at the hysterical woman.

As in, yeah, period after "this" and take out the word "continued." You also avoid having to deal with the mess of figuring out why you need a comma after "continued" (in order to separate another dependent clause). And it's really perfectly legal to do as well because Matthew is taking this action while he's speaking anyway.

his other brother said shoving an object into Brady's hand.

First off, this other brother doesn't get a name, but Matthew does?

Second, I'd recommend putting "as he" in front of "shoving" and turning "shoving" into "shoved" so the clause looks like this:

his other brother said as he shoved an object into Brady's hand.

That way, you avoid having to deal with commas or making the sentence sound awkward. It happens at the same time anyway, so you should be fine.

a phone a map of the Johto region.

And a map of the Johto region.

Unless the phone was the map of the Johto region.

Brady said putting the PokeGear in his pocket.

Either "as he put" or put a comma after "said" here, for the same reasons I've mentioned earlier involving this kind of sentence.

The professor was waiting for Brady

Just standing there at the front door? Surely the foremost Pokémon researcher of the Johto region would be doing something while he waited for Brady.

"So where are the starter Pokemon?"

Not one for pleasantries, I see.

"Two trainers have already came and claimed two of the Pokemon. I'm afraid there is only one left."

I'm actually unbelievably glad at this point that you didn't just say that all of the Pokémon were gone. If you had, then I would've hit the back button, to be blunt. The reason why is because a lot of people who try to write an OT story tend to have the trainer get either his first choice because no one else is there to take a Pokémon or an extra because he was the last one there. It's a pretty nasty cliché, something that really cheapens the experience.

In other words, it's awesome that you opted for neither route.

"Then professor let me have it!"

Comma after "then" (because it's an introduction word) and "Professor" (because it's a direct address, or the use of the character's name to emphasize that another character is speaking directly to them).

Also, yeah, capitalize "Professor" because it's being used as his name here. You can tell by replacing the word with "Elm."

Professor Elm walked over to the glass case

He seems rather nonchalant about the fact that Brady has just demanded something of him. I would expect at least some kind of reaction, like a "hold on, no need to be impatient" or something along those lines. At the moment, it just feels like Elm is emotionless.

the last pokeball.

Since you capitalized the word "Pokeball" earlier in the fic, I just find it odd that you don't here.

"Well, come on!" Professor Elm urged.

A little pushy for Elm, isn't it? Elm is usually either jovial or scatter-brained. I really can't imagine him rushing someone by telling them "come on."

It formed a shape until a pokemon appeared.

This actually implies that the light (and shape) is still there, but I think you mean to say that the Pokémon is emerging from the light or that the light faded to reveal a Pokémon.

"Hello, Cyndaquil," Brady said gleefully.

This should be in its own paragraph – again, because he's started to speak.

"Cyn, Cyn!" It replied.

Since "it replied" is a dialogue tag associated with the piece of dialogue before it, you shouldn't capitalize the word "it." Put it this way: try replacing the exclamation point with a comma, and you'll see what I mean.

It was happy to be with its new trainer.

After seeing him for the first time?

"It's a pokedex," he explained,

First off, drop the comma and opt for a period. As I've explained earlier, if you removed the dialogue tag and the quotation marks, you'd get a run-on sentence if you just had a comma instead.

Also, he doesn't explain the Poké Balls but he explains the Pokédex?

"Thanks, professor,"

Again, since "Professor" is taking the place of his name, it should be capitalized.

Also, start a new paragraph after "Brady." Since Brady is no longer speaking, it's like you've begun a new topic.

He looked back at the town he grew up in and felt great sadness, but also great excitement for he knew this was just the beginning of his adventure.

Drop the comma completely.


Overall, it's not bad, but there's a few spots that can be improved.

First off, yeah, I'd highly recommend browsing that link about commas that I gave you earlier. Most of your grammatical errors tended to just be comma mistakes.

Second off, you'll want to add in more description. Not only describe what Brady's wearing, but give us an idea of what he looks like. Not only tell us that New Bark has only a few houses, but tell us what the weather and the surrounding area was like. Basically, if it's in your mind, you probably want to put it down on paper because you'll have to remember that the readers won't be able to see what you're seeing. So, our mental image isn't quite as clear as yours, which means we probably won't get into the story as much as you do.

Third, emotions and characterization. A lot of the times, when someone was speaking (other than Brady's mother), there seemed to be very little emotion. Characters don't really physically express themselves all that much, and they don't seem to react too much to what other people are doing or saying (such as in the example above involving Brady getting a little too excited and Elm completely ignoring him). In the long run, if you don't let your characters react and express themselves, you may trip up because the characters turn dry and, bluntly put, boring after a few chapters of this. Don't be afraid to get into your characters' heads and try to figure out how they, based on their personalities, would react to certain situations. Right now, it almost feels like everyone has stage fright, and you'll need to work on them to get them to stop being shy and start being one body short of a living and breathing person.

While I do compliment you on the fact that you took a course not usually taken in OT stories (the part about having Cyndaquil be the last one available but not an extra Elm just happened to had), I also warn you about writing an OT story that starts off with an Ash-like dream sequence. Be very careful, and don't let yourself follow what other OT stories have done. If you do, you may end up having readers think of your story as just another OT, which may not be a good thing for its survival. Try to think of other ways that you can really beat the OT clichés by asking yourself what you've seen other people do and how you might be able to either improve on them or avoid them altogether because the last thing you probably want is to be compared to every other OT story in existence.

But most of all, work on characterization and description (as well as proofreading), and you should be able to improve as you go along.

 

[~SilverSoul]

Thank you and like I said before, PM me if you have any good ideas for the story. I'll fix it later.

 

[Saltare.]

awsome! great start! can't wait for the rest!