Lost in Hollywood (Final Version) Song/Poem

[kidpunk]

About six/seven months ago, I posted a poem on the forum called "Lost in Hollywood." I only had two verses and a chorus, which I only remembered from memory. Now, the poem has been through tons of edits, but I finished the poem/song today. I hope everyone enjoys it.

Lost in Hollywood

Shaky Doctors, Silicon
Beat box, tree tops, home alone,
And when they tell you you'll attack,
You know you're not a maniac.

Insane people drown the streets,
And others come to meet the freaks,
This great skyline suffocates,
While others come to meet their fates.

Skateboards, surfboards, on the pier,
Eat your hearts out, just be clear,
What you see is what you get,
What you fret will dissipate.

Trigonometry is whack,
Frightful nights keep right on track,
The violence, hatred, pulls you back,
Let's escape our fears.

I'm Lost in Hollywood,
I know.
And through these books,
Corruption shows.
The hate, the fakes, fade out,
And glow.
Just three more days 'til bliss,
Now go.

I'm Lost in Hollywood,
I know.
It bakes away at us,
We grow.
When this great city kills,
It shows.
I want to leave right now,
Then go.

Our problem was a cessin' mess,
It poured into our streets, not best,
When we took force they trekked back fast,
And met it on full force to clash.

It eats away at everything,
It beats at our own sanity,
When we speak up they stand up fast,
To fight, to hate, to rebel best.

This world was made to eat away,
The city shows that this was made.
We make our dues to help it now,
And what we get is ****, oh hell.

We try our best to keep it up,
But when we fail we muck it up.
We're not about to lose our time,
We won't escape our fears.

I'm Lost in Hollywood,
I know.
And through these books,
Corruption shows.
The hate, the fakes, fade out,
And glow.
Just three more days 'til bliss,
Now go.

I'm Lost in Hollywood,
I know.
It bakes away at us,
We grow.
When this great city kills,
It shows.
I want to leave right now,
Then go.

I'm Lost in Hollywood I know,
I'm Lost in Hollywood.
I'm Lost in Hollywood I know,
I'm Lost in Hollywood.

Lost in Hollywood I know.
Lost in Hollywood I know.
Lost in Hollywood I know.
I'm Lost In Hollywood, I know.


I hoped you enjoyed it.

 

[Oryx]

First of all, editing a poem/song for six months is really impressive, and the work you put into this really shows. I can tell that you thought about it not only as a poem, but also as how it would sound when read or sang which is more difficult to do but really important imo.

Honestly, the only things I can mention are a few tweaks of word choice/rhythm/rhyme. I'll just list them out for easy viewing/editing if you want:

Verse 1:
Lines 11-12: Those two rhymes kind of clash.
Line 15: The syllables seem off on this line, compared to the others. Maybe something like "The violence, it pulls you back" would fit better, or something else that fit in the syllables?

Verse 2:
Line 2: The "not best" line seems a bit forced as far as rhymes go.
Lines 7-8: Same as the first tweak, the rhyme isn't quite close enough to sound good as a slant rhyme imo.
Line 12: This line could be tweaked a bit. I honestly think it would sound best with something like "and what we get is ***ty hell", or "and what we get is **** and hell", but it's up to you Imo the line flows better without a break in it.

That's all. Overall this is really good, the fact that all I can find to change are tweaks says a lot. :)