Guess that if I have to do a review for a story in Other Writing, this is the best place to put the review?
Of course, "HIIIIII" to everyone in Other Writing too.
@ Guardian, The Adamant Dodger
Title- 4/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is clich?
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories
-the title isn't as bad or cliched as you described in the PM. It is pretty acceptable and relevant to the story.
Narrative Manner- 4/5
5
Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story
-1st person narrative strengthens the emotion and personal connection between the readers and the story, which is a good choice for the prologue of the chapter.
-now there is an italic part that isn't written in the first person point of view, which makes everything confusing regarding the trend started by the prologue of the chapter. Are readers suppose to treat the italics as a change in narrative, or what? Most writers use the italics as either a change in narrative, or a special emphasis on a short sentence. With this in mind, it seriously makes that small section confusing.
-a rather original but also confusing (because I've personally never encountered this narrative before) narrative manner is introduced. A 3rd person narrator who acts personally is rather interesting. The narrator is often lost in words, and is often incapable of describing the situation, even though the narrator is 3rd person. We will see how this special narrative contributes to the story in the future.
Grammar/Coherence- 7/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and
coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7
Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot
Not what it felt like while I was dying, that event, as are almost all while I was alive are hazy.
the "that event" sounds like an appositive, but then the sentence doesn't flow very well. I'll end the incomplete sentence with a period after dying, and just start a new sentence. (alternative will be to replace the first comma there with a semicolon, which I recommand.) You probably want to insert a comma after "alive" as well.
-now I'm not sure where you are from, but at least from the Canadian's way to look at grammar, unless the ellipsis is functioning as a period, the first letter of a word after an ellipsis shouldn't be capitalized. Of course, where you come from may prefer to treat this differently, but beware of it.
What cause would James have to send her something in this manner?
It'll flow a lot better to say 'What would cause James to send her something in this manner." It means almost the same thing, and I personally think that the sentence is more smooth than before in this manner.
Chaos was too powerful, he couldn?t risk his friends, couldn?t risk her.
semicolon after powerful, and you can choose to use the dash after friends to strengthen the connection. If you aren't using a semicolon, then at least add a conjunction there to stop the sentence from being a run-on sentence.
He apologized over and over again, it was nothing she had done, he did this for her sake.
Again, this is a run-on sentence due to the lack of conjunctions.
-remember to close all quotation marks at the end of a paragraph, even if the same speaker is going to talk again in the next paragraph.
-seriously, there are so many incomplete sentences that it drives readers crazy when they are reading. Yes it's a technique in writing as well, but when you see 3 of them for every paragraph...? You start wondering if they exist on purpose, or are they just grammatical errors afterall...
Major Character(s)- 14/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.
-excellent to see that the author actually deals some research with the character names. Jacob and James are definitely wonderful choices with each other, and secretly strengthens the "relationship" between these two characters.
-another interesting choice in terms of all the names so far in this story. We'll see how all these christian-origin names will interact with one another in the future.
-characters are definitely building up very well. Both James and Nathalia are presented with similar problems of their own, and the readers are aware of their flawed family life. The story is a little too early to judge on facets, but there are some hints throughout the story that may suggest an alternative side to both characters that the narrator did not talk about.
-James's personal prologue contain some great situational irony for the story, providing hidden humor (but no way comedy) in a dark story.
Minor Character(s)- omit/5
5 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
4 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
3 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
2 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story
-No minor characters so far, so omit
Story Details- 10/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged
-awkward moment regarding the setting... though the story takes place in real world (mentioning the states within US and so on), there is no Lisbon in North Dakota. We'll have to see how this "fake setting" plays out.
-details are mostly carefully chosen, such as colors. Not much to say about it except to see how it goes in the future.
Conflict- 5/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, ?good and evil? cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, ?good and evil? are questionable
3 ?Man vs. Man? along other conflicts, but ?good and evil? are obvious
2 ?Man vs. Man? only, good and evil are obvious
1 ?Man vs. Man? only, ending is highly predictable
-plot haven't started yet, but we already know that a major conflict is the "man vs. self."
-a good conflict is already taking place, though it is only hinted by the prologue of the chapter. The best aspect of this story, in my opinion, is definitely the buildup of conflict.
-3 conflicts are present so far: (multiple) "man vs. self," "man vs. supernatural," "man vs. man"
Diction/Tone- 13/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components.
Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13
Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author
She knew that that was something James always did.
Though this is grammatically correct, you should always try to avoid using the same word twice in a sentence (unless you are using repetition.)
-again, the problem with the incomplete sentences fit here too.
-even the 3rd person narrator has its own tone. It further contribues to the great confusion in the story, and to the theme of chaos.
-various writing techniques and literary devices are commonly used throughout the story, enhancing all story components.
Story Structure- 14/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components
-though incomplete sentence is a method of communicating hidden ideas to the readers, it's not very effective if it's used so often. This story is filled with them, and using them so much will weaken their effect. To the extreme, it may even cause your readers to mistaken it for a regular grammar mistakes.
-I'm personally not so thrilled at all regarding the 'dream-like' conversation between Nathalia and James after his death. It sounded so ineffective in terms of explaining what happened to James after death to Nathalia. Not only is that section partly a repeat of the prologue, but it is a rather weak way to carry a point across from one character to another (like any other detailed 'dream' sequences.) On top of that, a story so mystical in nature may probably benefit from less details and explanations.
-the constantly contradictive style along with the major confusion between all characters (including the narrator) points the story towards a very narrow space for predicting the future outcome of the story. Contradiction and possible lies result in endless possibility for the future of the story.
Effort- 10/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author?s re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.
Literal Device Bonus- + 4/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style 1/1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony 2/2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme 1/3)
Total: 91/95 => 96/100
Now, regardless of its high mark, it means no more or less than the other stories with a 90+. It's much easier to earn a high mark for a chaptered epic story if it's only the very beginning.
On a subjective level, I didn't enjoy this story as much as I should. Those insane amount of incomplete sentences (which seriously, feels like bad grammar but I'm still not certain enough about it) and the angel-James sequence definitely diminished my interest for this story by a lot...
