- 9,667
- Posts
- 8
- Years
- Sootopolis City
- Seen today
Da,
:)
:)
- 8,973
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- she/her
- gracidea fields
- Seen Dec 30, 2022
da,
i realise that sometimes you have good days, sometimes you have bad days. yknow, like every other normal human being on this planet. problem is, you swing between the two so wildly that it's just.. hard to tell whether you're having a good or a bad or a normal day or what?? the brief conversation we had while i was on break really caught me off-guard. it could be because you were stressed with how much you were balancing cooking meals for the day, but i dunno, i do a lot of the things you tell me to do and it's wild how that STILL isn't enough.
this is what frustrates me with you. even when i could do everything i could possibly do so you can get off my back, i still feel like there's a target on it, anyway. i'm under the impression that maybe it's you who should chill and need to dial it back a bit, especially after talking with other people who are way more familiar with your way of working than i am. it's really not healthy if they feel you're not exactly approachable at all and have some sort of attitude issue depending on the day.
it's work. shit's gonna be stressful sometimes. you don't need me to say that, you're like twice my age and a rank above me, after all. but you really need to manage your emotions better because people take a lot more note of your negative vibes and they're going to think (as they likely already do now) that it's a part of your personality and it just isn't a good look.
i hope your attitude improves in the future. i'm not going to remain in this position for very long, because as soon as there's an opening by the time my 90 days comes around, i'm taking advantage of it. the kitchen, as fun of a place as it may be, isn't for me. i need better opportunities because of my life situation, and i think us parting ways for the most part would do us both some good.
i realise that sometimes you have good days, sometimes you have bad days. yknow, like every other normal human being on this planet. problem is, you swing between the two so wildly that it's just.. hard to tell whether you're having a good or a bad or a normal day or what?? the brief conversation we had while i was on break really caught me off-guard. it could be because you were stressed with how much you were balancing cooking meals for the day, but i dunno, i do a lot of the things you tell me to do and it's wild how that STILL isn't enough.
this is what frustrates me with you. even when i could do everything i could possibly do so you can get off my back, i still feel like there's a target on it, anyway. i'm under the impression that maybe it's you who should chill and need to dial it back a bit, especially after talking with other people who are way more familiar with your way of working than i am. it's really not healthy if they feel you're not exactly approachable at all and have some sort of attitude issue depending on the day.
it's work. shit's gonna be stressful sometimes. you don't need me to say that, you're like twice my age and a rank above me, after all. but you really need to manage your emotions better because people take a lot more note of your negative vibes and they're going to think (as they likely already do now) that it's a part of your personality and it just isn't a good look.
i hope your attitude improves in the future. i'm not going to remain in this position for very long, because as soon as there's an opening by the time my 90 days comes around, i'm taking advantage of it. the kitchen, as fun of a place as it may be, isn't for me. i need better opportunities because of my life situation, and i think us parting ways for the most part would do us both some good.
Dear Anonymous,
I am glad I waited a few months before writing this letter. The denial, anger, and confusion would've clouded my judgement. While my resentment remains, I can now write with a clear mind.
Several months ago I started my first relationship with you. I had dated casually before, but this was different. I could look past your red flags because your personality was so warm. At the same time I feared your rejection.
I dealt with your severe personality disorder and inability to commit because I cared. For those months I put you over myself.
Then you had the audacity to cheat on me, lie about dumping me, and then use my former classmates as your messengers. For weeks I listened to their gossip about your hatred and false accusations. I never cheated on you, nor did I dump my insecurities on you. I showed genuine concern towards your destructive habits and occasionally brought them up. Those claims were nothing but projections.
You never once communicated throughout the relationship either. I never heard your feedback or concerns until after you abruptly ended it.
A week later you made a playlist. Half of it was about how much you hated me and the rest was lust for the rebound. I only know about it because I waited. I put so much trust in your "few days apart" lie that I stuck around for a bit. That was my mistake. I felt nothing but pain as you made public statuses about how much you missed him or your inappropriate PFPs. My denial allowed me to see more than I should've.
The last piece of gossip I heard was about how you didn't care about my pain and that I was nothing to you. While I agonized over your abuse, you acted like nothing happened.
Shortly after the "breakup" I developed an unfair dislike towards people with your personality disorder. I assumed they were all like you. After reading dozens of posts and articles I realized that wasn't true. There are millions of people with your condition who are working on themselves. You had access to so many resources and ignored them all for "self isolation" and "disassociation."
In spite of everything I still care about you. I truly hope you can pick up better coping skills and have a long life. At the same time I cannot forgive you for what you did. I sunk into the worst depression I had in years. All of those terrible things you did took its toll on me. For better and for worse I am a different person. That overly trustworthy enby is gone. I don't tolerate people who flake out on me anymore. Thanks to you I know how to be cautious with both new friends and new partners. For that I am genuinely grateful.
Sincerely,
Benji
I am glad I waited a few months before writing this letter. The denial, anger, and confusion would've clouded my judgement. While my resentment remains, I can now write with a clear mind.
Several months ago I started my first relationship with you. I had dated casually before, but this was different. I could look past your red flags because your personality was so warm. At the same time I feared your rejection.
I dealt with your severe personality disorder and inability to commit because I cared. For those months I put you over myself.
Then you had the audacity to cheat on me, lie about dumping me, and then use my former classmates as your messengers. For weeks I listened to their gossip about your hatred and false accusations. I never cheated on you, nor did I dump my insecurities on you. I showed genuine concern towards your destructive habits and occasionally brought them up. Those claims were nothing but projections.
You never once communicated throughout the relationship either. I never heard your feedback or concerns until after you abruptly ended it.
A week later you made a playlist. Half of it was about how much you hated me and the rest was lust for the rebound. I only know about it because I waited. I put so much trust in your "few days apart" lie that I stuck around for a bit. That was my mistake. I felt nothing but pain as you made public statuses about how much you missed him or your inappropriate PFPs. My denial allowed me to see more than I should've.
The last piece of gossip I heard was about how you didn't care about my pain and that I was nothing to you. While I agonized over your abuse, you acted like nothing happened.
Shortly after the "breakup" I developed an unfair dislike towards people with your personality disorder. I assumed they were all like you. After reading dozens of posts and articles I realized that wasn't true. There are millions of people with your condition who are working on themselves. You had access to so many resources and ignored them all for "self isolation" and "disassociation."
In spite of everything I still care about you. I truly hope you can pick up better coping skills and have a long life. At the same time I cannot forgive you for what you did. I sunk into the worst depression I had in years. All of those terrible things you did took its toll on me. For better and for worse I am a different person. That overly trustworthy enby is gone. I don't tolerate people who flake out on me anymore. Thanks to you I know how to be cautious with both new friends and new partners. For that I am genuinely grateful.
Sincerely,
Benji
- 41,448
- Posts
- 17
- Years
- She/Her
- Australia
- Seen today
Dear A,
I am sooo tired of this and don't even have the energy to write why today. But I really need to get it out. Sigh. :( Glad I have my husband's support but this is just overwhelmingly exhausting.
I am sooo tired of this and don't even have the energy to write why today. But I really need to get it out. Sigh. :( Glad I have my husband's support but this is just overwhelmingly exhausting.
pastelspectre
Memento Mori★
- 2,167
- Posts
- 14
- Years
- Age 26
- he/him
- The Pacific Northwest
- Seen Feb 6, 2024
da,
i am so tired of feeling this way. i feel as if nothing i do is enough for you. i could do a million things, and you would still manage to only focus on the one thing i didn't do. i am tired of feeling bad for small mistakes. it is acknowledged that i am neurodivergent, yet when i show symptoms it is as if i am a burden. an inconvenience. i am told to act like an adult and be more independent. i am looking very hard for job listings to save up money to move out. i am also in online school, and i do pretty much all chores around the house. i am tired. i feel unappreciated. i basically housesat with my boyfriend the whole time you were on vacation, and i really do not feel i was appreciated enough for this.
i am just tired. so very tired of all this. i am tired of being told i am a freeloader and just.. a burden. i feel i am nothing but a burden and a leech to you. perhaps you did not say these things directly, but the other things you have said and they way they have been worded have certainly made me feel this way. i get told these things, and treated this way. and yet you still wonder why i do not like myself. you do not think i am hard enough on myself, but you have no clue. i am constantly beating myself up and have an unhealthy work ethic of still forcing myself to do things despite not having the energy to, because i know if it does not get done, no one else will do it and you will get very pissed.
i am just sad, tired, and it's all so much. i wish these 5 months would just fly by.
i am so tired of feeling this way. i feel as if nothing i do is enough for you. i could do a million things, and you would still manage to only focus on the one thing i didn't do. i am tired of feeling bad for small mistakes. it is acknowledged that i am neurodivergent, yet when i show symptoms it is as if i am a burden. an inconvenience. i am told to act like an adult and be more independent. i am looking very hard for job listings to save up money to move out. i am also in online school, and i do pretty much all chores around the house. i am tired. i feel unappreciated. i basically housesat with my boyfriend the whole time you were on vacation, and i really do not feel i was appreciated enough for this.
i am just tired. so very tired of all this. i am tired of being told i am a freeloader and just.. a burden. i feel i am nothing but a burden and a leech to you. perhaps you did not say these things directly, but the other things you have said and they way they have been worded have certainly made me feel this way. i get told these things, and treated this way. and yet you still wonder why i do not like myself. you do not think i am hard enough on myself, but you have no clue. i am constantly beating myself up and have an unhealthy work ethic of still forcing myself to do things despite not having the energy to, because i know if it does not get done, no one else will do it and you will get very pissed.
i am just sad, tired, and it's all so much. i wish these 5 months would just fly by.
Trigger warning: death
DA,
I am simply appalled that someone I consider one of my best friends, someone who knows what I identify as somewhat, has the NERVE to display such transphobic behaviour around me and be aware of it.
That was the worst part. Hearing you admit to your behaviour unapologetically. Like this is the sort of thing that makes me feel even less happy about coming out further to the group, knowing people's minds work like this.
I'm just so upset that have shown such an ugly side of yourself.
DA,
<3. That is all.
Spoiler:
DA,
I am simply appalled that someone I consider one of my best friends, someone who knows what I identify as somewhat, has the NERVE to display such transphobic behaviour around me and be aware of it.
That was the worst part. Hearing you admit to your behaviour unapologetically. Like this is the sort of thing that makes me feel even less happy about coming out further to the group, knowing people's minds work like this.
I'm just so upset that have shown such an ugly side of yourself.
DA,
<3. That is all.
- 9,667
- Posts
- 8
- Years
- Sootopolis City
- Seen today
Dear Anonymous,
I have already expressed some of my gratitude, but still can not thank you both enough for what you did to help me. My work environment is so much more peaceful now, and I am so glad I have your support here. I feel so much better, and will find ways to return the favor. Thank you again.
I have already expressed some of my gratitude, but still can not thank you both enough for what you did to help me. My work environment is so much more peaceful now, and I am so glad I have your support here. I feel so much better, and will find ways to return the favor. Thank you again.
Duck
🦆 quack quack
- 5,750
- Posts
- 3
- Years
- he, they
- Seen Feb 23, 2023
Dear Anonymous,
I know you're trying to help - I hope you're trying to help - but you need a little bit of class conscience to be able to do that effectively.
I get why you think the priorities should be the way you think, and in an ideal world, I might even agree with you. But a lot of people simply can't afford to have those priorities - especially in the middle of a global pandemic.
Your gesture, while well meaning can and will have catastrophic implications and I weep for the future of this institution.
Here's to hoping you see some sense and go back to how it was,
Cubchoo
I know you're trying to help - I hope you're trying to help - but you need a little bit of class conscience to be able to do that effectively.
I get why you think the priorities should be the way you think, and in an ideal world, I might even agree with you. But a lot of people simply can't afford to have those priorities - especially in the middle of a global pandemic.
Your gesture, while well meaning can and will have catastrophic implications and I weep for the future of this institution.
Here's to hoping you see some sense and go back to how it was,
Cubchoo
- 10,179
- Posts
- 18
- Years
- Age 37
- Seen yesterday
Dear you,
It's been a year since we met one another. And in that year's worth of time, we had to figure each other out. What didn't help was the circumstances of our meeting. It was a bitter one, and I was still hurt despite the fact that I did like you at first sight.
But then after that I learned a little about how you were "in the right place at the right time." How it's almost like fate that we met. I saw proof of that, and have those few seconds saved. Seeing those few seconds started to make me change my mind about you.
It also doesn't hurt that someone that I would do anything for absolutely adores you!
Look, since you're not as much of a jerk now as you were last year (if only I knew all those problems you were having while I was having some of my own), we're going to spend more time together. I made a promise to two others about that, and you'll learn that I don't break promises. You're a part of the team now. That means that you're a part of our adventures, no matter what.
Thanks for everything that you've done, and for everything that you'll do.
It's been a year since we met one another. And in that year's worth of time, we had to figure each other out. What didn't help was the circumstances of our meeting. It was a bitter one, and I was still hurt despite the fact that I did like you at first sight.
But then after that I learned a little about how you were "in the right place at the right time." How it's almost like fate that we met. I saw proof of that, and have those few seconds saved. Seeing those few seconds started to make me change my mind about you.
It also doesn't hurt that someone that I would do anything for absolutely adores you!
Look, since you're not as much of a jerk now as you were last year (if only I knew all those problems you were having while I was having some of my own), we're going to spend more time together. I made a promise to two others about that, and you'll learn that I don't break promises. You're a part of the team now. That means that you're a part of our adventures, no matter what.
Thanks for everything that you've done, and for everything that you'll do.
- 8,973
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- she/her
- gracidea fields
- Seen Dec 30, 2022
da,
now that you're leaving, it's time for me to make my exit, too. you're already aware that i wasn't happy with this job anymore anyway, but i didn't want to let you down. that said, i wish you the best of luck out there. for the short time we've known each other, you've cemented yourself as one of the best managers i've had. take care.
now that you're leaving, it's time for me to make my exit, too. you're already aware that i wasn't happy with this job anymore anyway, but i didn't want to let you down. that said, i wish you the best of luck out there. for the short time we've known each other, you've cemented yourself as one of the best managers i've had. take care.
KOZSTAR
Diabolical
- 106
- Posts
- 2
- Years
- He/him
- Cyllage City
- Seen Sep 24, 2023
Da,
So lemme get this straight... You're comparing the fact that school systems are racist as hell to "white bigotry"? You're saying, that even though you didn't go through half the shit we did you still think you have the right to feel attacked?
Either you're five years old, or you're a pucking idiot. Go be annoying on somebody else's account. There is no way you end up in a decently smart man's server, and miss the point that hard.
Pucking idiot sandwich.
So lemme get this straight... You're comparing the fact that school systems are racist as hell to "white bigotry"? You're saying, that even though you didn't go through half the shit we did you still think you have the right to feel attacked?
Either you're five years old, or you're a pucking idiot. Go be annoying on somebody else's account. There is no way you end up in a decently smart man's server, and miss the point that hard.
Pucking idiot sandwich.
- 33,730
- Posts
- 18
- Years
Dear Anonymous,
It's Christmas day!
People are so excited and busy meeting up with family, with friends, with loved ones. Joy, love and laughter are seemingly everywhere! It's so wonderful to witness!
Christmas was always our time! We've had so much fun together at this time of year... but now you're gone. I can't get together with you anymore, and it hurts. I miss you every single day, but Christmas... Christmas is just impossibly hard.
I wish you were here.
I love you, I miss you. Merry Christmas ❤
It's Christmas day!
People are so excited and busy meeting up with family, with friends, with loved ones. Joy, love and laughter are seemingly everywhere! It's so wonderful to witness!
Christmas was always our time! We've had so much fun together at this time of year... but now you're gone. I can't get together with you anymore, and it hurts. I miss you every single day, but Christmas... Christmas is just impossibly hard.
I wish you were here.
I love you, I miss you. Merry Christmas ❤
- 19,142
- Posts
- 11
- Years
- Age 25
- he/him
- Philippines
- Seen Feb 6, 2024
DA,
Sorry we couldn't be enough for you. No bad blood at all, we completely understand. Just that this news couldn't have come at a worse time. This city better heal fast if we wanna be able to put food back on the table.
Anyway, wishing you guys the best in your endeavours, and that our replacements (should there even be any) can work out better. It was a fun year. Felt like I was on top of the world with how much I was getting.
Hope this isn't a final farewell. See ya when I see ya.
Sorry we couldn't be enough for you. No bad blood at all, we completely understand. Just that this news couldn't have come at a worse time. This city better heal fast if we wanna be able to put food back on the table.
Anyway, wishing you guys the best in your endeavours, and that our replacements (should there even be any) can work out better. It was a fun year. Felt like I was on top of the world with how much I was getting.
Hope this isn't a final farewell. See ya when I see ya.
Fleurdelis
Gunbreaker addict
- 7,422
- Posts
- 5
- Years
- Age 27
- Some stupid city in The Netherlands
- Online now
DA,
I feel like a complete waste of space at times... especially today. Probably has to do with the nightmares I had last night of past events. Man I sure used to be one massive idiot back then.
I feel like a complete waste of space at times... especially today. Probably has to do with the nightmares I had last night of past events. Man I sure used to be one massive idiot back then.
- 19,142
- Posts
- 11
- Years
- Age 25
- he/him
- Philippines
- Seen Feb 6, 2024
DA,
Happy birthday! Hope to be able to visit you eventually when restrictions die down a bit here. It's been 6 years now since you were taken away from us, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you.
You were the best a son could ask for. I love you. So much. I'll keep striving to make you proud of me.
Happy birthday! Hope to be able to visit you eventually when restrictions die down a bit here. It's been 6 years now since you were taken away from us, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you.
You were the best a son could ask for. I love you. So much. I'll keep striving to make you proud of me.
- 33,730
- Posts
- 18
- Years
25 years. That's a long time.
I was only young when you were taken, but I still miss you even after all this time. Time heals, but it just won't erase. I don't know how my life would have turned out if you were still here, I just wish you'd had the chance to see me grow up and become the woman I am today, the way it should have been.
I also wish I could ask you how you dealt with it all. The pain, the suffering. You handled it so much better than me and you never gave up. I was so proud of you for that.
I'll miss you forever <3
I was only young when you were taken, but I still miss you even after all this time. Time heals, but it just won't erase. I don't know how my life would have turned out if you were still here, I just wish you'd had the chance to see me grow up and become the woman I am today, the way it should have been.
I also wish I could ask you how you dealt with it all. The pain, the suffering. You handled it so much better than me and you never gave up. I was so proud of you for that.
I'll miss you forever <3
Last edited:
Hyzenthlay
[span=font-size: 16px; font-family: cinzel; color:
- 7,807
- Posts
- 11
- Years
- Age 24
- Rito Village
- Seen Aug 19, 2023
Dear Anonymous,
I'm so weary of having my kindness and non-confrontational nature taken advantage of... I can't take on these burdens any longer. I can't stay "the girl who takes the brunt of everything because we know she'll do it without complaint". That seems to have been my role my entire life. The agony aunt. The "brunt runt" as my sister calls it, lol. I accept it when it's for my siblings, because I'm the eldest sister, they lean on me for that. But for others..? It feels like the only time people try getting closer to me, is for their own gain. To use my nature for something. To treat me like I'm some kind of therapy robot who always has an automated, happy response to make them feel better, whenever it's convenient to them. Then suddenly they don't want to know me anymore. Everyone else keeps their distance, stays within the "friendly acquaintance" circle. Maybe I'm imagining it... but the feeling is so obvious, that there has to be some truth in it. After all, I can't remember the last time someone approached me out of pure selfless interest; it might start with a "how are you", but always seems to dissolve into troubles and woes. I become the agony aunt yet again. To be fair, it's my fault for letting it happen in the first place. If I set clear boundaries from the start, maybe I wouldn't have these expectations over me. What hurts the most is that I'm so accepting of people, I always respect their time, space, emotions and interests, but... I never seem to receive that back. It's so demoralising when nobody wants to know you. Not even family. I've always had my enthusiasms talked over, dismissed, or ignored. I can't even talk about the things that make me light up from the inside out, because the reception just... isn't there, or it's one of annoyance/apathy. Or it's forced, and that's the worst one of all - and very obvious too. It's painful when your own family doesn't want to hear it. Sure, I have my partner, but I can't allow myself to cling to him for every little thing in life, he'll get worn out eventually. Maybe I'm just destined to be that recluse who only talks to animals, plants and my own reflection in the mirror, haha...
Dear Anonymous,
I wish I could be as selfless as you are. When did I start losing sight of myself? I worked so hard towards being more like you. Now, I'm lost... I can't do anything right... I keep hurting people, without knowing how. I think back on your words, how you told me "I know you always walk with a smile; I want that smile to last"... It makes me want to be strong again. I want to be the person you see in me. The person you speak so highly of. The person you love... it breaks my heart to think I might be failing you... and if I'm failing you, then I'm failing everybody, including myself.
Am I being selfish by needing space? Am I doing the wrong thing? Would the Clover you admire let her own darkness stop her from supporting others, would it stop her from smiling through the pain for the benefit of other people? If it's not wrong, then why do I get the incessant, nagging feeling that I'm hated for it, that I've lost my light, that my every social interaction seems to end on a sour note? Why does it keeping stamping out whatever positivity I find throughout the day?
Why am I even writing this here... In the hope for some sort of realisation, for catharsis? Why don't I just tell this to you directly? Well, I think I know why... I don't want to give in to the selfishness again and be even more of a burden. I have no right to take away from your good spirits. You always smile for me to keep things light and happy, because I know how important it is to you that we spend every moment together in happiness, not linger in self-loathing or anxiety or regret. But I'm so selfish for gladly taking your kindness while being too afraid to ask if there's anything you need to share, any hardship you're going through... all because I've grown so weak and weary. I'm such a hypocrite in that regard... The sadness of others spreads to me so quickly and so deeply that it becomes too unbearable when I'm in this frail state of mind, when I'm balancing so desperately on this mental tightrope. And you know that... so you're always happy for me. You know that happiness spreads over me just as easily as sadness does, so you chase away the sadness with your silly humour and sunny charm. But when I'm away from you, I realise I was simply taking. Then I think how hard it must be for you, holding back the things that weigh you down when I'm meant to be your sanctuary, too. So the sadness comes back. I know exactly how it feels to be in your place. So why I keep taking from you, despite knowing that... is just so hypocritical of me. I'm sorry.
I just want to be a better person... I want to be the best version of myself. The version you bring out in me. I want to share warmth and kindness as easily as breathing. The way you do.
I'm so weary of having my kindness and non-confrontational nature taken advantage of... I can't take on these burdens any longer. I can't stay "the girl who takes the brunt of everything because we know she'll do it without complaint". That seems to have been my role my entire life. The agony aunt. The "brunt runt" as my sister calls it, lol. I accept it when it's for my siblings, because I'm the eldest sister, they lean on me for that. But for others..? It feels like the only time people try getting closer to me, is for their own gain. To use my nature for something. To treat me like I'm some kind of therapy robot who always has an automated, happy response to make them feel better, whenever it's convenient to them. Then suddenly they don't want to know me anymore. Everyone else keeps their distance, stays within the "friendly acquaintance" circle. Maybe I'm imagining it... but the feeling is so obvious, that there has to be some truth in it. After all, I can't remember the last time someone approached me out of pure selfless interest; it might start with a "how are you", but always seems to dissolve into troubles and woes. I become the agony aunt yet again. To be fair, it's my fault for letting it happen in the first place. If I set clear boundaries from the start, maybe I wouldn't have these expectations over me. What hurts the most is that I'm so accepting of people, I always respect their time, space, emotions and interests, but... I never seem to receive that back. It's so demoralising when nobody wants to know you. Not even family. I've always had my enthusiasms talked over, dismissed, or ignored. I can't even talk about the things that make me light up from the inside out, because the reception just... isn't there, or it's one of annoyance/apathy. Or it's forced, and that's the worst one of all - and very obvious too. It's painful when your own family doesn't want to hear it. Sure, I have my partner, but I can't allow myself to cling to him for every little thing in life, he'll get worn out eventually. Maybe I'm just destined to be that recluse who only talks to animals, plants and my own reflection in the mirror, haha...
Dear Anonymous,
I wish I could be as selfless as you are. When did I start losing sight of myself? I worked so hard towards being more like you. Now, I'm lost... I can't do anything right... I keep hurting people, without knowing how. I think back on your words, how you told me "I know you always walk with a smile; I want that smile to last"... It makes me want to be strong again. I want to be the person you see in me. The person you speak so highly of. The person you love... it breaks my heart to think I might be failing you... and if I'm failing you, then I'm failing everybody, including myself.
Am I being selfish by needing space? Am I doing the wrong thing? Would the Clover you admire let her own darkness stop her from supporting others, would it stop her from smiling through the pain for the benefit of other people? If it's not wrong, then why do I get the incessant, nagging feeling that I'm hated for it, that I've lost my light, that my every social interaction seems to end on a sour note? Why does it keeping stamping out whatever positivity I find throughout the day?
Why am I even writing this here... In the hope for some sort of realisation, for catharsis? Why don't I just tell this to you directly? Well, I think I know why... I don't want to give in to the selfishness again and be even more of a burden. I have no right to take away from your good spirits. You always smile for me to keep things light and happy, because I know how important it is to you that we spend every moment together in happiness, not linger in self-loathing or anxiety or regret. But I'm so selfish for gladly taking your kindness while being too afraid to ask if there's anything you need to share, any hardship you're going through... all because I've grown so weak and weary. I'm such a hypocrite in that regard... The sadness of others spreads to me so quickly and so deeply that it becomes too unbearable when I'm in this frail state of mind, when I'm balancing so desperately on this mental tightrope. And you know that... so you're always happy for me. You know that happiness spreads over me just as easily as sadness does, so you chase away the sadness with your silly humour and sunny charm. But when I'm away from you, I realise I was simply taking. Then I think how hard it must be for you, holding back the things that weigh you down when I'm meant to be your sanctuary, too. So the sadness comes back. I know exactly how it feels to be in your place. So why I keep taking from you, despite knowing that... is just so hypocritical of me. I'm sorry.
I just want to be a better person... I want to be the best version of myself. The version you bring out in me. I want to share warmth and kindness as easily as breathing. The way you do.
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DA,
It doesn't feel right without you here. I miss your presence. It's like a mountain of strength that could always be counted on, is no longer here, and I'm truly saddened by the loss. I have said as much, though I know that it won't change anything, it still needs to be said, that I respect you. I really regret now that l didn't spend more time with you, when we had the chance, and catch up with you, and make the time to talk to you about your concerns. It seemed like we had all the time in the world to get to know one another, but I see now that I should never have taken that for granted. I feel like I failed you.
One of the issues that I have is that I easily get fatigued by contact. So sometimes I have a conversation, then go away for a long time, before coming back, and it has nothing to do with the person I am talking to, it's all me-- and boy, do I regret that, because it seems that all hell broke lose, when I wasn't paying close attention this time, and I might have been there to support you, instead of you trying to manage all on your own something that I now realize was a difficult situation for you. I don't know everything about what happened, only bits and pieces. I do know though that we have lost something important, and I'm always going to wonder going forward, if there's something I could have done to change that, had I been aware. I believe that you were something worth saving.
You represent our best. Nobody worked harder than you, your enthusiasm and commitment, attentiveness is an example that I couldn't even hope to aspire to. I admire your candor, and I wish we still had your steel there to make us all better. I know that I have said similar things to this before, and it might feel like hollow words, but my feelings towards you are what they always were. I hope I see you again. I will forever appreciate all the good that you are responsible for and have created. I hope that all good things come your way and many new doors open for you.
It doesn't feel right without you here. I miss your presence. It's like a mountain of strength that could always be counted on, is no longer here, and I'm truly saddened by the loss. I have said as much, though I know that it won't change anything, it still needs to be said, that I respect you. I really regret now that l didn't spend more time with you, when we had the chance, and catch up with you, and make the time to talk to you about your concerns. It seemed like we had all the time in the world to get to know one another, but I see now that I should never have taken that for granted. I feel like I failed you.
One of the issues that I have is that I easily get fatigued by contact. So sometimes I have a conversation, then go away for a long time, before coming back, and it has nothing to do with the person I am talking to, it's all me-- and boy, do I regret that, because it seems that all hell broke lose, when I wasn't paying close attention this time, and I might have been there to support you, instead of you trying to manage all on your own something that I now realize was a difficult situation for you. I don't know everything about what happened, only bits and pieces. I do know though that we have lost something important, and I'm always going to wonder going forward, if there's something I could have done to change that, had I been aware. I believe that you were something worth saving.
You represent our best. Nobody worked harder than you, your enthusiasm and commitment, attentiveness is an example that I couldn't even hope to aspire to. I admire your candor, and I wish we still had your steel there to make us all better. I know that I have said similar things to this before, and it might feel like hollow words, but my feelings towards you are what they always were. I hope I see you again. I will forever appreciate all the good that you are responsible for and have created. I hope that all good things come your way and many new doors open for you.
da,
You are everything you say you're not and it's about time you deal with it. Stop pretending that it's all fine and make some effort to improve yourself, or go hide away in your imaginary world once and for all.
You are everything you say you're not and it's about time you deal with it. Stop pretending that it's all fine and make some effort to improve yourself, or go hide away in your imaginary world once and for all.
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