[Pokémon] When Ash and Gary met Red and Blue (working title)

[SelenaStar]

Hi!

I had this idea for a fanfic that brought together the anime and the manga characters Ash and Gary and Red and Blue, it's been knocking about in my head for a couple of days and I've had a day to myself so I decided to start fleshing it out. It's still in the planning stages, but I knocked together an introduction to post - mainly for as much feedback as I can get - though I understand feedback is difficult to give when you don't know the plot ultimately. I don't want to give much away in a synopsis - especially not at this point where the fic is so vulnerable to change - so if you are willing to give me any kind of feedback on the following introduction it would be well appreciated.

Just as a note - in this fic I'm not particularly concerning myself with timelines and age accuracies and such. I think the character and plot development is more important for this fic than the technicalities, as it's really about as far from canon as you can get for either the Anime or the Manga, just in case anyone was confused by any potential inaccuracies :) If there are any startling ones that you feel are dragging the fic down/are confusing the plot or just generally making it of a poorer quality please do point them out to me and I'll work on it :)

Thanks guys! :)
-S

-----Introduction to When Ash and Gary met Red and Blue---------
"Ashy-boy, is that really all you have to throw at me?" sounded an assured, arrogant voice from the grasses just North of Pallet Town in Kanto. To a by-stander, the answering growl could easily have originated in the vocal chords of a Pokémon, not the 15 year old boy with unruly black hair merely tamed by his red and white cap as he stood opposite a smug looking brunette boy of around the same age. He glared at his opposite number, taking in the relaxed and composed stance, arms folded, smirk firmly in place with raised eyebrows...it was always difficult trying to break Gary, especially during a Pokemon battle...he was always so laid-back and difficult to unnerve. Gary never had that problem with Ash – he knew exactly how to rile the black-haired trainer, he always had done since they were children, and he made sure he exploited this during their pokemon battles.

The two trainers had been away on their respective journeys for a few years, and had somewhat coincidentally decided to visit home within the same time window – Ash had been in Pallet for a few days visiting his Mother and friends Brock and Misty in neighbouring cities, but Gary had just arrived that day...and had been challenged to a pokemon battle by his Rival almost instantaneously. Of course he had accepted. Leading them to their current state of war.

"Not even close! Pikachu, use your Agility, get around Umbreon and use your Thunderbolt!" Ash instructed through gritted teeth, clenching his fists. He'd had to resort to the old tactic he'd devised with Pikachu all that time ago when he'd first battled Brock for the Boulder Badge at Pewter Gym – exploit Pikachu's speed and stamina and then strike the foe. Problem was, Gary knew this strategy inside out...he'd battled against it time and time again and Ash just knew that he'd have some kind of counter-strategy to pull out against him. This was confirmed by Gary's answering smirk, of course he'd been expecting this old chestnut to be pulled out. Ash wasn't exactly revolutionary when it came to battle strategies...

"Double Team Umbreon, and prepare to use Psychic when Pikachu is in range!" called Gary and Ash cursed inwardly. He knew it. No amount of agility would help Pikachu if he didn't know where he was running or aiming his Thunderbolt...as if by self-fulfilling prophecy, Umbreon appeared to multiply in front of Pikachu's very eyes, the lightning mouse slowed before stopping completely inside a ring of Umbreon, out of which he couldn't spot the genuine article. As soon as Pikachu had stopped moving, Umbreon capitalised on the opportunity and hit Pikachu with a powerful Psychic attack, eyes glowing blue. Ash grimaced as Pikachu's face contorted, hands reaching up to try and cover his ears as Umbreon's attack burrowed deeper inside his mind. Pikachu fell to the floor, making small yelping noises and doubling up as the pain inside his head increased...Ash willed him to break out of it, to block out the attack and get back on the offensive but it was no use, the Umbreon was just far too powerful.

"Enough!! Enough Gary, call Umbreon off!" yelled Ash, rushing forward and scooping Pikachu up into his arms as Gary ended the battle with a simple "Umbreon, cease." He watched impassively as Ash cradled his Pikachu, stroking the lightning mouse's head as he trembled, black eyes wide and staring up at his Trainer as he attempted to recover from the onslaught. "It's fine Pikachu," smiled Ash, sitting back on his heels and comforting his friend, "you did so well...I'm sorry, I just couldn't think of a strategy to get around Umbreon this time...but we'll work on it and next time this won't happen, okay?"

"Next time? Are you serious Ketchum?" came a voice from above him, causing Ash to look up at Gary with a steely determination etched onto his face. He stood slowly, his eyes never leaving his Rival's impassive green eyes even as the sweat from the exertions of battle snuck down his cheek to contrast with Gary's own perfect appearance.

"Of course I am. You beat me this time Gary, but I will train harder and I will challenge you and I will win. You count on it," he vowed solemnly, to be met with an incredulous pause and then a loud, disbelieving laugh.

"Yeah, 'cause you've only been saying that for the last how many years..? Face it Ash," said Gary simply, his tone humoured at best and mocking at worst, "you will not beat me." He returned Umbreon to it's pokeball and looked over at Ash, folding his arms. "I am a better, more powerful trainer than you. It's always been and will always be that way until I die or retire or just generally lose interest...and that won't happen for a while, so you just need to deal with it." Did Gary think these words were harsh? Perhaps. Whilst harsh, though, they were warranted. Ash needed a serious dose of reality, and who better than he, Gary, to give it to him? At times he admired his childhood Rival's determination, even when the underdog, to fight to the finish and give it his all...but seriously, dreams were dreams and reality needed to intersect at some point. It was for his own good really...

Shocked, Ash couldn't respond. Each measured word, each fired phrase cut straight into his heart and his ego like a knife – secretly...deep down inside he knew Gary was right. No matter how hard he trained, no matter how hard he tried...he just couldn't beat his rival...yes, he was a strong trainer for his age and experience, but Gary was better. No matter how much closer Ash felt he was getting to his goal of being a Pokemon Master, Gary was always one step ahead, just as it had been that morning when he was 11 years old, racing to the Oak Pokemon Lab to find he was too late to receive one of the three starter pokemon he'd dreamed of for so long. Closing his eyes and sighing, Ash turned away from Gary and held Pikachu in the crook of one arm, clenching the other fist down by his side.

"You know Gary...you may be right at this moment...but you won't be in future. Because you are so arrogant, so overly certain of your own capabilities, you will one day lose. And you will not know what hit you" fired back Ash, somewhat satisfied by the stunned silence he heard behind him.

A silence that was broken not by a furious retort from Gary, but a sudden loud roar, flashes of pink and blue light, two shrieks and thuds in the bushes next to them.

Ash and Gary instantly leapt away from the site, lightning-fast reactions kicking in as they both grabbed a pokeball from their belts, ready to fight off any attack that was coming their way. All was quiet now...and Ash and Gary exchanged worried, confused glances before a rustle and a quiet voice broke their thoughts. The bush moved and Ash and Gary stepped further away, ready to launch their pokeballs at any minute as a jean-clad leg emerged from the bush.

 

[psyanic]

Well, the idea is nice, although I have heard of it quite a few times, but not in an actual serious fashion. I applaud you for your humble-ness with the poll, without one option saying, "Awesome! No improvements needed!"

Here are a few improvements I suggested, mainly being grammar errors. Corrections in bold.

He glared at his opposite number, taking in the relaxed and composed stance, arms folded, smirk firmly in place with raised eyebrows. It was always difficult trying to break Gary, especially during a Pokemon battle. He was always so laid-back and difficult to unnerve. Gary never had that problem with Ash. He knew exactly how to rile the black-haired trainer, he always had done since they were children, and he made sure he exploited this during their pokemon battles.

Please use periods instead of "..." or a hyphen in between different thoughts. It makes it seem choppy and just wrong. This is in many other parts, but I feel that marking all of them would be unnecessary.

Ash had been in Pallet for a few days visiting his mother and friends, Brock and Misty, in neighboring cities,

"Mother" should not be capitalized unless it is used for her name. Also, there should be commas around "Brock and Misty" because the "friends" is the subject. Also just a slight spelling error.

Enough!! Enough Gary, call Umbreon off!" yelled Ash, rushing forward and scooping Pikachu up into his arms as Gary ended the battle with a simple "Umbreon, cease."

There should be a separate line for each different speaker of dialogue. So in this case, "Umbreon, cease." would be on the next line, indicating that there is a new speaker.

"I am a better, more powerful trainer than you. It's always been and will always be that way until I die, retire, or just generally lose interest..."

A comma after "I die" and "retire" because it's a list. I would take out generally because it helps with the flow, but that's up to you.

"You know Gary...you may be right at this moment...but you won't be in future. Because you are so arrogant and overly certain of your own capabilities, you will one day lose. And you won't know what hit you" fired back Ash, somewhat satisfied by the stunned silence he heard behind him.

Another comma mistake. Also, I changed "will not" to "won't" because of the flow. It sounds more intimating with less words, ya know? I don't think you can hear silence either. :P

The silence that was broken, not by a furious retort from Gary, but by a sudden loud roar, flashes of pink and blue light, two shrieks, and thuds in the bushes next to them.

I would insert "the" because "silence" is the subject and it's not just any old silence, it's THE one between two bitter rivals since childhood after a harsh beating to Ash's Pikachu! I also thought that this part was going on and on with the listing thing, so I'd suggest that you put it in a separate sentences like:

The silence was broken, but not by a furious retort from Gary. Instead, it was interrupted by a loud roar followed up with flashes of blue and pink lights. And then, two shrieks were called out accompanied by a loud thud from the bushes next to them.

But that's just me, I prefer it more neat and paced more evenly, without a barrage of words to slightly confuse readers.

Ash and Gary instantly leapt away from the site, lightning-fast reactions kicking in as they both grabbed a pokeball from their belts,

I don't like that lightning-fast reactions are actual nouns. I would replace that with something like adrenaline, because that seems more logical.

Sorry I kind of picked at your story completely, inspecting everything in it. I was a bit of a grammar nazi, so I hope you don't mind. However, it's just the beginning, and it already has my interest. There's always time to improve, and you are exception. The plot looks to be fulfilling and I really enjoyed seeing this kind of being an AU/Crossover. You have my word that I will follow this story, and I will be hoping for you to post new chapters soon!

 

[Astinus]

Ash had been in Pallet for a few days visiting his mother and friends, Brock and Misty, in neighboring cities,

Also just a slight spelling error.

Except "neighbouring" is the British English spelling of the word. (I'm assuming that SelenaStar is from a country that uses British English as opposed to American English.) So just keep in mind the differences between American and British English before you correct someone who is actually correct in their English.

 

[psyanic]

Except "neighbouring" is the British English spelling of the word. (I'm assuming that SelenaStar is from a country that uses British English as opposed to American English.) So just keep in mind the differences between American and British English before you correct someone who is actually correct in their English.

Actually, their original spelling was "nieghbouring". And I'm sure that British English and American English do not have a spelling difference in the word either.

 

[JX Valentine]

And I'm sure that British English and American English do not have a spelling difference in the word either.

Well, besides the I before E part (which you're quite correct about in that case), Americans have a tendency to take out the U in any word that everyone else spells with an -our. That includes things like color and neighbor(ing).

 

[q11e]

I liked how you were able to extend a temporally short sequence of events to several substantial paragraphs, to include imagery and characters' thoughts. At a certain point such writing becomes tedious (e.g. every Victorian novel ever), but I tend to have the opposite problem, so I find a well-written battle scene worth a read.

Some smaller points...

as if by self-fulfilling prophecy, Umbreon appeared to multiply in front of Pikachu's very eyes, the lightning mouse slowed before stopping completely inside a ring of Umbreon, out of which he couldn't spot the genuine article.

I don't get this analogy...

He returned Umbreon to it's pokeball

its! (sorry, pet peeve)

There should be a separate line for each different speaker of dialogue. So in this case, "Umbreon, cease." would be on the next line, indicating that there is a new speaker.

To be fair, I think that this would look a little strange:

Enough!! Enough Gary, call Umbreon off!" yelled Ash, rushing forward and scooping Pikachu up into his arms as Gary ended the battle with a simple:

"Umbreon, cease."