The Adventures Of Riley

[Logan]

The Adventures Of Riley

Note: This TC was made by me.​

This is my first ever FanFic, so be nice, any comments are welcome, if you wish to criticize my work please do it constructivley. Also credits to Turtle King for the layout.​

Well, this fanfic will follow the adventures of Riley, from just starting out as a Pokemon trainer to becoming the man who resides on Iron Island. ​

I'm planning to have seven maybe eight or nine volumes of around nine or ten chapters.​

So Far:​

Volume 1:
1: Vs. Kricketot!

2: Vs. Shinx!

3: Vs. Starly!

4: Vs. Swinub Part 1!

5: Vs. Swinub Part 2!

​

6: Vs. Snorunt!

Volume 2:​

Volume 3:​

Volume 4:​

Volume 5:​

Volume 6:​

Volume 7:​

Volume 8:​

Volume 9:​

Note: A title with an animated Pokemon sprite next to it means that the chapter is finished, titles without spirtes are unfinished and not posted.​

Vs. Kricketot!

​

It was a typical sunny morning in the remote town of Twinleaf. Starlies and Staravia's were sitting on rooftops chirping away. These birds are rather rare the only place they can be found is the Sinnoh region. Every thing seemed wonderful and carefree all around, there were no human beings outside their houses, until young Riley opened his front door and walked out into the sunshine, the young lad was wearing a Blue suit and his favourite Blue hat, a young Riolu was balancing on his shoulder.​

Riley was somewhat of a loner, but was well known by the whole of Twinleaf Town, for his and Riolu's antics, ever since Riley captured his Riolu challengers were wiped away because of Riolu's uncanny abilities. News of these antics had reached Professor Rowan of Sandgem Town, the great Professor invited young Riley to receive a special Pokemon and to become a offcial Pokemon trainer, as far as Riley knew there were no catches, the Professor had invited Riley to meet him at Lake Verity where his skills would be put to the test, this was where Riley was heading.​

"Riolu, are you excited." Riley asked his compainion.​

"Rio Lu Ri." He replied, Riley knew exactly what Riolu ment as the two were on such terms that they knew what each other ment through facial expressions and such.​

"That's good to know, anyways we're almost there." Riley said, comforting his pal. Riley looked up at Riolu, who was now fumbling about inside of Riley's hat. Eventually there were at the lakefront, they were just moments away from Lake Verity, Riley stood outside the entrance to the Lake, after a short while he took a deep breath and entered into the Lakeside, Riley noticed a old man wearing a long white lab coat, he was stood next to over youngsters, one was a girl who was wearing a long black coat with black trousers as well her hair was blond, the other was a boy his hair was coloured purple, he wore a beige cape and jeans with a white shirt.​

The three of them just looked at each other until Professor Rowan broke the silence. "Hi, you must be Riley, I'm Professor Rowan, I'm the one who invited you here, it's nice to meet you." ​

Before Riley had a chance to say anything the young girl decided to introduce herself as well. "Hey, I'm Cynthia and I'm here to become a Pokemon trainer as well." Riley smiled at her, Cynthia looked him in the eyes, then blushed and looked away.​

The young lad then spoke. "Yo, Byron's the name, hope we can become friends." Riley smiled at Byron, Byron then returned the favour.​

"Hi, I'm Riley, I'm different from you guys because I already have a first Pokemon." Riley pointed to the Riolu sitting on his shoulder.​

"Riley, these guys have already passed their tests and recived their starter Pokemon, now I only have one left and that's Chimchar, to pass the test you need to defeat me in battle, you must use Chimchar, if you win then I'll give you your Pokedex and some Pokeballs and you can set off on your journey." Professor Rowan chucked Riley Chimchar's Pokeball.​

"Bring it on." For a brief second Riley looked at Chimchar's Pokeball, wondering how powerful his new Pokemon would be. "Okay then, I choose you Chimchar." Riley threw Chimchar's Pokeball in the air then with a flash out emerged a monkey like Pokemon.​

Then Professor Rowan replied by saying "Well, this Pokemon won't be too difficult for you, now go Kricketot." Pr. Rowan threw a Pokemon and out emerged a small Cricket like Pokemon.​

"Okay then, Chimchar use Scratch." Chimchar ran towards the Kricketot, ready to scratch her.​

"Kricketot, put him off by using Growl." Before Chimchar could get close enough Kricketot growled at him, leaving Chimchar standing in bewilderment.​

"Chimchar use Ember." Suddenly a small ball of fire came out of Chimchar's throat and smashed into Kricketot, leaving the little bug Pokemon on the floor.​

"Go Riley, you can finish this." Cheered Cynthia, who was standing on the sidelines.​

"Okay that was weird but anyways, Chimchar use Ember to finish this." Again a small ball of fire came from Chimchar's throat, when the ball hit Kricketot it spread and soon the bug Pokemon was engulfed in flames, eventually the flames died out but they left Kricketot fainted and unable to battle. Riley swiftly pulled out Chimchar's Pokeball and returned him.​

"Return Kricketot." With a red flash Kricketot was returned to her Pokeball. "Okay Riley, you defeated me so as promised you can keep Chimchar, and are now an offical Pokemon trainer." The Professor handed Riley a Pokedex, a gym badge case, a map of Sinnoh and five Pokeballs, Riley stuffed all these into his backpack.​

"Gee thanks Professor, I guess I'll be on my way then." Riley was about to walk away when.​

" Bye Riley see you soon." Cynthia blurted out.​

"Yeah, I guess so." On that note Riley walked away and headed towards Sandgem Town.​

(Next Chapter: Vs. Shinx)​

 

[sasuneuchiha]

I like it! Very well written and from a great character's point of view. I hope to see more of this!

 

[Spectacular Hero]

Well you got a good storyline, and you managed to keep me excited but it was a little rush over and didn't had that much description of the places like how did lake Varity looked like, even if the person already knows how it looks like a writer still has to describe, trust me I hate that rule too but guess you just have to follow it

 

[Logan]

@ Sas: Thanks for your kind words, your in like Vs. Shinx is almost ready.

@ E-K: Thanks, okay I'll remember that from now on. hope you'll like my next post, Vs. Shinx is in the works.

@ All: Okay guys I've decided to reveal the title of my Fifth chapter, it's Vs. Swinub Part 2!

 

[Zeph.]

I enjoyed it; I liked how you replaced the 3 DP protagonists with 3 other, older characters

Also, in speech, it sometimes helps to end the sentences in "!" or even "..." instead of just "." all the time.

Other than that, good intro

 

[Logan]

@ ZephyrII: Thanks bud, I'll take your advice.. I would of used other expressions but I didn't see the need to.

 

[The Ebon Blade]

Interesting; I've never seen someone write a fic about Riley's adventures, and I've never seen someone portray Cynthia that way (that was hilarious). Well, I've decided I'm going to try a grammatical review on this chapter. Okay, here goes:

Starlies and Staravia's were sitting on rooftops chirping away. These birds are rather rare the only place they can be found is the Sinnoh region.

These two sentences can be combined. Anything in parenthesis isn't part of the sentece, just a little extra advice. Try this:

"Starlies and Staravia (this is the proper plural version of this word) were sitting on rooftops, chirping away; these birds were (you seem to jump inbetween present and past tense throughout your story; stick with one of the two) rather rare, the only place they could be found is in the Sinnoh region."

There are many ways to combine those sentences. Find one (even mine is a bit run-onish) and the sentence will flow much better.

Every thing seemed wonderful and carefree all around, there were no human beings outside their houses, until young Riley opened his front door and walked out into the sunshine, the young lad was wearing a Blue suit and his favourite Blue hat, a young Riolu was balancing on his shoulder.

This sentence is just to long; it's one big run-on sentence. You could easily split it up into two or three different sentences. Also, you over use commas and never use semi-colons. For example:

Every thing seemed wonderful and carefree all around, there were no human beings outside their houses,

There should actually be a semi-colon after "around". There's a few others like this in this big long sentence of yours, but I bet you can find them. You won't learn if you don't try. :P

Riley was somewhat of a loner, but was well known by the whole of Twinleaf Town, for his and Riolu's antics,

This is a sentence in itself. Just replace the last comma with a period and then...

ever since Riley captured his Riolu challengers were wiped away because of Riolu's uncanny abilities.

... capatalize "ever". Also, this sentence doesn't have very good flow to it. First of all, put a comma after "Riolu" and before "challengers". Second, the way you tell us that Riolu and Tiley always win is a little wierd. Try wording a different way or just switching around the words you've already got. For example:

"Ever since Riley captured his Riolu, they have defeated every challenger that has opposed him; thanks to Riolu's uncanny abilities."

News of these antics had reached Professor Rowan of Sandgem Town,

Once again, you don't need a comma. There should be a period. On that note, you do that frequently through out the rest of the chapter. I really think you should read it over and try to correct those run-on sentences.

"Riolu, are you excited." Riley asked his compainion.

You should have a question mark after "excited"; you are asking a question.

"Rio Lu Ri." He replied, Riley knew exactly what Riolu ment as the two were on such terms that they knew what each other ment through facial expressions and such.

You actually need a comma after "Ri" and you don't need to captalize "He". Also, you need a period after "replied". When Riolu spoke, you for some reason capatalized every word (or sound in this case); there is no need for that.

"That's good to know, anyways we're almost there."

Another comma after "anyways", but you got the first comma right!

Eventually there were at the lakefront,

There should be a comma after "eventually". This starts another of your run-on sentences that you should take a look at.

The three of them just looked at each other until Professor Rowan broke the silence. "Hi, you must be Riley, I'm Professor Rowan, I'm the one who invited you here, it's nice to meet you."

There should be a comma after "other". Also, the dialogue is another run-on sentence.

Hi, I'm Riley, I'm different from you guys because I already have a first Pokemon." Riley pointed to the Riolu sitting on his shoulder.

Now that we are getting into dialogue, I just want to say that, unless at the end of the dialogue there is a quesiotn mark or exclamation point, you need to have a comma instead of a period IF you are going to use the word "said" or any variation of the word. Now, the sentence above is actually perfect. I just thought it was funny how the firs thing that RIley says is "Hi, I'm Riley. I'm different from you guys...". As you can see, you need a period after "Riley", so I guess it wasn't pointless.

Pr. Rowan threw a Pokemon and out emerged a small Cricket like Pokemon.

The proper abbreviation for Professor is "Prof."

"Okay that was weird but anyways,

There should be a comma before "but". Riley is a bit of a jerk to Cynthia here. It made me feal bad for her.

From this point forward, you made the same mistakes over and over again as you have through out the chapter. However, don't let this get you down! I was the very same way until I got a beta- reader and she pointed that stuff out to me. Eventually, you get used to just being grammatically correct. I think it'd be a good idea to get a beta- reader; it'll be useful and it'll naturally help you get better at writing. Especially because this fic as a potential story line that I've never seen before and it's incredibly intriguing. If you don't want to get a beta- reader, try re-reading your work. Read it out loud to yourself and see how it sounds to you; it really helps.

All in all, I liked reading this. I'm interested to see how Cynthia goes from this cute, nervous, and energetic girl to the hardened, wise, and strong champion we all know. I'm interested to see how Riley goes from this slightly egotistical kid to the calm and wise adult we all know. I encourage you to make this the best it can be.

One more thing, description. You have a bit, but you could've added so much more. Describe the surroundings, the characters more, tell us what they are thinking and feeling. I'm still woulding on getting better at description myself; it isn't easy to get good at. However...

"Believe and you will recieve!"
-Billy from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy

I honestly can't belief I related Billy and Mandy to a grammar review.

 

[Logan]

@ The Ebon Blade: Thanks for your review, I think I'll leave the first chapter as it is for the time being, but with a new chapter on it's way I'll hopefully be able to implement your suggestions in it.

 

[Logan]

Vs. Shinx

As Riley walked away from the trio he had just met he felt an empty pit in his stomach; he knew this was the longing for friendship. Riley stopped in his tracks, debating over whether or not to turn back and formaly introduce himself to Byron and Cynthia. Cynthia had shown an instant liking in him, something Riley had only ever encountered from his family and Riolu, and now from Chimchar. Riolu, sensing what Riley was thinking, slapped him round the face. Instantly Riley returned to his old loner self and carried on walking. Then a familiar voice shouted out to Riley.

"Hey, how about a battle then!" Riley turned around, Cynthia had ran after him and challenged him to a battle. Cynthia looked Riley in the eyes, Riley looked in hers for a brief second then he turned and looked at Riolu. Riolu jumped off of Riley's shoulder and stood ready for battle.

"Ri ri olu."

"Okay Riolu, let's take her down," said Riley, you could sense the confidence in his voice.

"You know at the lake you were wrong, you thought I was receiving my first Pokemon, well I wasn't I'd already captured my first Pokemon, way before Professor Rowan even thought of giving me Turtwig," She sounded bold, it was like she was trying to impress Riley with her attitude.

"It still makes no difference Riolu's going to take you down anyways." The confident tone of Riley's voice was still not budging.

"You really think that, who cares about your thoughts because they are wrong, I choose you Shinx." With a flash of red out from a Pokeball emerged a little blue Pokemon, it had a black tail with a yellow star on the end.

"Shinx huh, let's see what dex says shall we." Riley pulled out his new Pokedex and scanned the little Pokemon.

Shinx

The flash Pokemon. It's the pre-evolved form of Luxio. All of its fur dazzles if danger is sensed. It flees while the foe is momentarily blinded. Its forelegs have a muscle-based system of generating electricity. Its body shines if endangered.

"Okay, then I hope you like Shinx," Said Cynthia in a tone that made her look like a five year girl.

"What? Huh? I guess your just weird," Said Riley, he was definetly confused by the sudden change between Cynthia's voices and attitude.

"Stop insulting me," once again Cynthia's voice and attitude changed, this time she was bold and brave.

"Okay, now your ready let's get this battle started, Riolu use Force Palm." Commanded Riley to his beloved partner. Riolu ran towards Shinx, a yellow buldge appeared on Riolu's palm.

"Shinx use Bite on Riolu's hand," As Riolu was about to smash his hand into Shinx's face, Shinx suddenly bit it sending the aura Pokemon whining back to Riley.

"Ri ri," Riolu complained, it was like he was trying to say Riley it really hurts.

"It's alright Riolu, just run it off now use Quick Attack." Riolu rapidly started running towards Shinx, leaving a white slipstream behind him.

"Shinx, dodge it." Shinx tried to move out of the way. But because of the speed of the attack Shinx didn't move in time, leaving Riolu to thud into Shinx sending the little lion straight to the ground.

"Great work Riolu, now use Force Palm." Once again a small yellow buldge appeared on Riolu's palm, but Shinx couldn't move out of the way so Riolu thrusted his palm straight into Shinx's face. Shinx started to jolt about a bit on the floor, there was electricity running through his body.

"Shinx, are you okay," Cynthia asked her beloved Pokemon. Shinx eventually pulled himself into an upright position, but he was still rather dazed.

"Okay we can finish this one now, Riolu use Sky Uppercut." Riolu ran towards Shinx then he pulled back his fist and swung it right into Shinx's chin, Shinx yelped as she was sent flying. Eventually she smashed into a tree and fainted on contact.

"Shinx return," Cynthia held out Shinx's Pokeball then with a red flash Shinx was returned to his Pokeball.

"Come back Riolu," Riolu ran back towards Riley, the two exchanged a quick hug then Riolu jumped to his favourite position, on top of Riley's shoulder.

"Good battle, Riley I'll see you soon," said Cynthia she then smiled and blushed at Riley then ran into the distance, before Riley could say anything back.

"Riolu, I still think she's a little loopy." On that note Riley walked off from the battling spot and soon he entered Sandgem Town, he didn't notice much, only the amount of sand.

(Next: Chapter 3: Vs. Starly)

 

[The Ebon Blade]

Not a bad chapter! I can see that you took a lot of my advice and it made your chapter look a lot better. You still have some comma errors and missed a question mark, but it was a lot better then chapter 1. Keep up the good work!

 

[Astinus]

If I may step in for a second to point a few things out:

"Starlies and Staravia (this is the proper plural version of this word)

"Starly" is how the name of the species is also pluralized. All Pokemon names are the same in the singular form and the plural form. So I'm not sure why you corrected one name and not the other.

Also, you over use commas and never use semi-colons.

The poor semi-colon gets enough abuse as it is. Don't suggest for people to use them if you don't fully explain how to use them, or if you use them incorrectly.

Here's a guide to semi-colons.

Like, for instance, here:

"Ever since Riley captured his Riolu, they have defeated every challenger that has opposed him; thanks to Riolu's uncanny abilities."

That semi-colon really doesn't belong there. "Thanks to Riolu's uncanny abilities" is an incomplete sentence. So it needs to be connected to another sentence in order to make sense, which is why it belongs to the sentence before it.

I'd also would like to point out that you shouldn't always combine sentences. Sometimes, short sentences are needed to create a particular mood. The best way to judge how long your sentences should be is to read them out loud and find the best rhythm.

Another comma after "anyways", but you got the first comma right!

Er, no he didn't. o_O

"That's good to know, anyways we're almost there."

"That's good to know" is its own sentence. There's no reason at all that it should be combined with the following sentence. So the comma after "know" should be a full stop.

So, yeah.

And since I really need to get back into reviewing, I'll review the second chapter of this later tonight.

 

[The Ebon Blade]

Lol thank you, Astinus. This why I said I was going to try to review. Yeah... I'll never be a beta- reader lol. *Runs off and cries*

 

[TurtleKing]

I would greatly appreciate it if you would inform me on making your chapter page and chapter format similar to mines, thank you. -nod-

 

[King!]

I like it so far, especially after what you've told me;)
I like the idea of this fan-fic, but would like to point out one thing. If Byron becomes the gym leader, like usual, and has his son, Roark become gym leader, wouldn't he be way older than Cynthia and Riley, who seem to be Roark's age?

 

[Astinus]

Okay, I'm back to review.

First things first, what's up with the font tags? Having the color tags on every paragraph makes for a lot of unnecessary work for you and for me, since I have to get rid of them in order to not have hanging tags.

I also noticed that you used a PE2K sprite. While there's nothing wrong with that, you should save the sprite to your computer and upload it to an image hosting site. Otherwise, you're stealing bandwidth from PE2K, and that's not a good thing.

As Riley walked away from the trio he had just met, he felt an empty pit in his stomach; he knew this was the longing for friendship.

Riley stopped in his tracks, debating over whether or not to turn back and formally introduce himself to Byron and Cynthia.

Cynthia had shown an instant liking to him, something Riley had only ever encountered from his family and Riolu, and now from Chimchar.

We've barely seen Chimchar. Why does Chimchar already like Riley after one battle? There should be a little build-up between them to build a relationship.

Riolu, sensing what Riley was thinking, slapped him round the face. Instantly Riley returned to his old loner self and carried on walking. Then a familiar voice shouted out to Riley.

These should be in their own paragraph.

"Hey, how about a battle then!" Riley turned around.

The dialogue should be in its own paragraph, with the second sentence in the same paragraph has the rest.

"Okay Riolu, let's take her down," said Riley. you could sense the confidence in his voice.

You don't want to break the reader out of the story by suddenly telling them something you could show. Instead of saying "you could sense the confidence in his voice", show it. Does his voice come out loud and clear? How does he stand? If you can show something, then show it!

"You know, at the lake, you were wrong. You thought I was receiving my first Pokemon. Well I wasn't. I'd already captured my first Pokemon, way before Professor Rowan even thought of giving me Turtwig." She sounded bold. It was like she was trying to impress Riley with her attitude.

"It still makes no difference. Riolu's going to take you down anyways."

"You really think that. Who cares about your thoughts because they are wrong. I choose you, Shinx."

Ew, flat emotionless dialogue. There are punctuation marks known as the question mark and the exclamation mark. You use question marks after questions, and exclamation marks when you want to show excitement. And going into a battle would be a rather exciting moment.

With a flash of red out from a Pokeball emerged a little blue Pokemon, it had a black tail with a yellow star on the end.

Wut? Seriously, this sentence is confusing.

"Shinx huh? Let's see what dex says, shall we?" Riley pulled out his new Pokedex and scanned the little Pokemon.

Shinx
"image removed"
The flash Pokemon. It's the pre-evolved form of Luxio. All of its fur dazzles if danger is sensed. It flees while the foe is momentarily blinded. Its forelegs have a muscle-based system of generating electricity. Its body shines if endangered.

Okay, the random red font caused momentary blindness in me. There's no reason I can see to have the Pokedex in a different color from the rest of the story.

"Okay, then I hope you like Shinx," said Cynthia in a tone that made her look like a five year girl.

Again I ask: Wut? I can't even begin to figure out what Cynthia means by that statement, and what you were trying to say with the "tone made her look like a five year girl". Of course, I'm sure it would be a bit better if you had said "five-years-old girl".

"What? Huh? I guess your just weird," said Riley. He was definetly confused by the sudden change between Cynthia's voice and attitude.

"Stop insulting me." Once again, Cynthia's voice and attitude changed. This time she was bold and brave.

"Okay, now you're ready. Let's get this battle started. Riolu, use Force Palm," commanded Riley to his beloved partner. Riolu ran towards Shinx. A yellow bulge appeared on Riolu's palm.

"Shinx, use Bite on Riolu's hand." As Riolu was about to smash his hand into Shinx's face, Shinx suddenly bit it, sending the aura Pokemon whining back to Riley.

"Ri ri," Riolu complained. It was like he was trying to say "Riley, it really hurts."

"It's alright, Riolu. Just run it off. Now use Quick Attack." Riolu rapidly started running towards Shinx, leaving a white slipstream behind him.

But because of the speed of the attack Shinx didn't move in time, leaving Riolu to thud into Shinx, sending the little lion straight to the ground.

"Great work, Riolu. Now use Force Palm."

Once again a small yellow bulge appeared on Riolu's palm, but Shinx couldn't move out of the way, so Riolu thrust his palm straight into Shinx's face.

Shinx started to jolt about a bit on the floor. There was electricity running through his body.

"Shinx, are you okay?" Cynthia asked her beloved Pokemon.

"Okay, we can finish this one now. Riolu use Sky Uppercut."

Riolu ran towards Shinx, then he pulled back his fist and swung it right into Shinx's chin. Shinx yelped as she was sent flying. Eventually she smashed into a tree and fainted on contact.

You said a few sentences ago that Shinx was male. >_>

"Shinx return." Cynthia held out Shinx's Pokeball. Then with a red flash Shinx was returned to his Pokeball.

"Come back, Riolu." Riolu ran back towards Riley. The two exchanged a quick hug then Riolu jumped to his favourite position on top of Riley's shoulder.

"Good battle, Riley. I'll see you soon," said Cynthia. She then smiled and blushed at Riley then ran into the distance, before Riley could say anything back.

On that note Riley walked off from the battling spot and soon he entered Sandgem Town. He didn't notice much, only the amount of sand.

All the grammar mistakes were fixed in bold. Though I might have missed one. Or a few... x.X

There are a few things about your story:

First, you should look up the rules of grammar online. We have a sticky topic in the Writer's Lounge where you can start, and look up more online. You have a lot of run-on sentences and an overabundance of commas that aren't necessary. I would also suggest getting a beta reader to help you out, to read over your chapter before you post it and work with you one-on-one to fix your problems.

As for the story itself, there are a few things:

One, are you basing this story on Special canon? Because right now, I can't see a lot to differentiate it from any other canon because you haven't included anything that's from Special. I checked everything, and there's nothing from Special to indicate that Riley received a Chimchar from Rowan.

While there's nothing wrong with writing your story where this happens, I'm just wondering why. Because, so far, you're writing what seems to be a standard OT fic. Perhaps you're not going to write about Riley battling all eight Gyms of the Sinnoh region, but...eh.

All I'm saying is that you have two formulas in your fic that you might have trouble getting out of. First is the Special part. Everyone and their...turtle (XD) is writing a Special fic these days, and so far, there's nothing to really differentiate them all from one another. (Except for TK's, 'cause his was the first one in this style, I believe.)

The second is the same ol' OT fic. Either a different style or starting out differently can help you out here. That's why I'm wondering why you had Riley start out in the starting town of Sinnoh, getting a typical starter from the trainer when he already has a Pokemon. He could have easily left from any town in Sinnoh with his Riolu. (Same with Byron and Cynthia. Why were they included?)

Cynthia I also have a little problem with. She's supposed to be one of the best trainers in the world. Yet when she's battling Riley (and she's supposed to be a somewhat experienced trainer since she already caught a Pokemon, apparently with her bare hands), she only makes one move and then just stands there to watch her Pokemon get defeated.

Which leads me to another part of the "OT" formula. Riley had it easy in that battle. I mean, Cynthia didn't even fight back against Riolu. She just stood there and allowed him to win, it seemed. And Riley already has a good relationship with his Chimchar, that he just got. While this isn't too bad, it just seems like an odd thing. Also, Riley's a loner with no friends, and the only female that the reader has seen him meet has a crush on him.

So, in summary, it's got its grammar problems. It's got a few characterization problems. They are fixable though. You just got to take your time writing your chapters. Type them up, read them over a few times, get a beta-reader to read over them. That's really all you need to do. Just take your time writing your chapters.

But don't give up writing.

 

[Logan]

Okay, first off thanks for both of your reviews. As you can see I haven't done much writing before. I don't know much about grammar either but I try. I am determined to keep this going as long as I can. No this isn't based on Special, I've never even read it before this is my own idea. Cynthia is ment to be like this, but I don't want to reaveal too much of the plot so all I'll say is that soon enough she'll turn into the character we know today.

 

[Logan]

I like it so far, especially after what you've told me;)
I like the idea of this fan-fic, but would like to point out one thing. If Byron becomes the gym leader, like usual, and has his son, Roark become gym leader, wouldn't he be way older than Cynthia and Riley, who seem to be Roark's age?

Byron will not be a gym leader, not until the story ends and their all adults anyway. Roark has yet to be born so therefore is not a GL. Yup Cynthia, Riley and Byron are all around the same age Roark is/will be when he's leader.

 

[King!]

No. what I mean is, Byron is Roark's father, and Roark is Cynthia and Riley's age, so wouldn't Byron be older if his son is the same age as the two people getting starters with him?

 

[Logan]

No. what I mean is, Byron is Roark's father, and Roark is Cynthia and Riley's age, so wouldn't Byron be older if his son is the same age as the two people getting starters with him?

I don't think so...

I see Roark as being 15-16, whereas I see Byron, Cynthia and Riley being around 32-36, but in this they're just starting out, so no I don't see Byron as being older than the other two and if he is it's a year at max really.

 

[King!]

Oh, okay, just a thought...;)