[Rated M] Let's Play Pokemon Snakewood! [COMPLETED]

[Rainbow Chara X]

Oh goodness, what do we have here?

Pokemon Snakewood is a Ruby rom hack released in 2010 or so by a man called Cutlerine. It's a hack where Hoenn is overrun with zombies and the entire region is falling apart. When I first saw this, I thought it was going to be rad because the concept was promising. However, from either trying too much or trying too hard, Cutlerine's hack manages to get really... weird. I mean it's all over the place.

Ever since then, I've been enchanted by Snakewood's strangeness but I've never quite tried it myself. By the way, this is the first screenshot let's play I've ever done and it was inspired by the likes over at the LP Archive.

So buckle your safety belts, fellow PC members, because this is going to be a rollercoaster of crazy.

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Chapter 1 - Intro
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Spoiler:

Upon starting the game, we are greeted by Birch and his beard. We also learn that our character is an amnesiac. Oh joy.

Birch sends out a Bulbasaur... that doesn't look quite right. (and doesn't sound quite right as it makes the Azurill noise).

Narration: "But that Pokemon looks strange... I think something very very odd has happened... Is it just my memory playing tricks on me, or is that Pokemon I just remembered... dead?"

"That can't be right, surely? Pokemon don't die, they just faint and lose the will to fight, right?"

I'll admit, this intro is cool. It's setting up the sequence of events nicely. Now we get the choice for our two main heroes.

Oh no. Let this be an indicator of the quality regarding many of the original sprites in the hack, folks. Our two main characters are not very appealing, as the male is an angry-looking Dante ripoff while the hot pink sweater on the girl is laughable at best. Not only that, the default names are so edgy I almost cut myself on them.

• Wraith, Shade, Dark and Eye (???) for the male option
• Ghost, Haunt, Jericho and Loba for the female option

Since those are just a bit too silly, I went with this instead. Because he looks like a Jack to me more than anything else.

"No, but seriously you should leave."

Expect the game to throw out this kind of humor a lot, especially in the middle of a serious mood.

[fade to black]

Whoa. What happened to Littleroot? There's rubble everywhere. Also, since this is a still image, imagine the screen shaking before making a truck-stopping noise. I'll give Cutlerine credit for chopping out the rest of the intro, though.

Let's go read that sign on the bottom.

Alright. Doesn't seem that bad.

... Christ. Now we have a mood going. I like it.

Head over to the left, and we have some Pokeballs. These are your starters for the game. The top is Claydol (rotating on its own axis), the left is Koffing (spewing toxic fumes) and the one Jack is standing in front of is Paras (ill health).

Since I like Paras a bit more than the other two, I went with him. I was going to name him Reginald based off of Haydunn's Nuzlocke of this game, but feh. I like Reggie better. Also, once you choose a Pokemon from these three, you can't get more.

"After all, you're not a crook... are you?"

Excuse me? We are in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. The region is in chaos. The town is nothing but ruins. There is nobody else here. Having more Pokemon equals better chances to survive. So why god tell me are you chastising me for trying to get more than one?!

I'll be a crook however I want, thank you!

...Well, moving on. We make our way towards the route ahead only to hear:

"AAAAAAAH! H-help! Someone!"

It's Birch being attacked by a zombie! Well ****, I'm glad we got here just in time then.

Dude, I was just trying to see how close I can get to the sickly green person. I wasn't trying to run away, chill.

Hey, what's up bruh.

Zombie Kid Liam wants to battle, huh? I should mention this little blue putz has the Team Aqua/Magma battle theme playing right now like he's some hot shot.

B... Boilbasaur. All of the zombie Pokemon in this hack have "punny" names but a lot of them are just really dumb. I should mention that aside from two Pokemon, all zombified Pokemon are unobtainable.

Reggie scratches it to death with little effort regardless.

So defeating the Pokemon somehow destroys the zombie trainer as well? I'm not complaining, good riddance. At the very least, they're not Return of the Living Dead zombies.
* shudder *

Birch says that he knows us and that we're the older brother of Landon, who is now married to May. He also asks us if we know anything about the zombie plague, but our hero just goes:

Oh what a card this man is. Seriously though, I don't care if you have amnesia. I wouldn't forget something as big as THE DEAD COMING BACK FROM THEIR GRAVES.

Anyway, the good professor leads us to Oldale.

This Pokecenter is where we wind up, and the two guys in green are guarding the way. So far I like how Snakewood is progressing in regards of zombie apocalypse story.

Before we go outside though, let me bend time and space for this special occasion. (Inputs gameshark codes loudly)

Ta-dah!

Now we have a new friend. Since I wanted to be a bit naughty, I put in a code to get Kirlia much earlier than I'm supposed to. And trust me, we're going to need Bella's help for this venture cause Snakewood is going to pile-drive you until you scream uncle.

This should also be the extent of the cheating as I'm confident I can beat Snakewood with what I get. Unless it's a very special occasion. Scout's honor.

Dan from the Future speaks: Dude, you have no idea how important this one decision you made is.

: ("Where...? Who are you!? What's the meaning of this!?")

: "Huh? What are you so riled up about?"

: ("My... my... ugh. I wish I could explain it in a way that can makes sense.")

: "I... kind of don't want to know, but you should calm down. I'm not your enemy or anything like that."

[The Kirlia looks over Jack and puts a hand to her chin]

: ("Hmm... now that I get a good look at you... you don't seem to be a bad person. My name's Bellamine. What's yours?")

: "Jack. Nice to meet you."

[Bellamine curtsies to Jack]

: ("Likewise. If we're going to work together, we may as well make it painless.")

: "I just hope you're ready for whatever's out there, because... oof."

Upon going to the left, we're greeted with this guy.

"To be let out on your own! So stay away!"

Dude, I'm bootleg Dante. I'm pretty sure I can still leave everything in my way a bloodied pulp. You wanna go, brah?

This is a bit of a baldfaced lie as there are Pokemart employees in some other towns. But thanks for the Light Potion anyway. Let's go inside the Pokemart to see what might have changed.

Oh damn, another zombie. Let's kick some ass!

... Ah. No need to fear since she does nothing. Move along, move alon-- Ooooh a vending machine!

I'm parched. Let's get some water.

EEECH. That's disgusting. What's worse is that you can give this to one of your Pokemon and it actually heals them up! Isn't that great?

We head up north to Route 103 where Birch is waiting for us.

Excellent question, Jack.

"And our entire families vanish without trace, there is still time for science!"

Jack is thinking what we're all thinking.

"And yet... here is a nest, complete with an Egg!"

I have several questions.

Jack, you're simultaneously a better man than I thought and a bit of a dick.

"That Eggs only hatch when taken around with other Pokemon."

That only raises further questions.

: "But what about the parent Pokemon?"

: "I don't see any, do you?"

Way to be a dick, prof.

"I also wanted to talk to you about the zombies."

: "Seems like nobody wants to talk about anything else."

: "Yes, quite."

These exchanges are so cheesy I might as well laugh out of formality.

Anyway, Birch is telling us that Landon is the League Champion and that he and May went to look for the source of the zombies. Since they never came back, Birch wants Jack to look for them not only because they're family but also because since Landon is the Champion, he can beat back the zombies no problem. Jack is skeptical.

: "The same person who vanished without a trace when he went to beat back the zombies."

"It's the best we got. So! Will you go?"

Jack is just like "OK" and is told to go to Petalburg.

Granted, we can't really knock Birch's plan because he knows we have magical protagonist plot armor.

Oh this man.

Birch tells us that he's going to get the PC connection up and running so he can contact more survivors. While he's at it, he gives us a Poke Phone so he can contact us directly. As Birch leaves, we make our way back towards Oldale until we come across a new face.

Oh hello random lady who is obviously not a villain.

"You must be pretty weak-willed. But I suppose I could use the experience from thrashing you."

Alright then, you cocky cock. Let's do this.

The fight itself is nothing special. Reggie scratches while the Sneasel taunts.

HOWEVER, there's something very interesting with this Mon right here. See, when Cutlerine was editing Pokemon for this hack, he changed around a lot of stuff.

Primarily, this "Sneasel" is not actually Sneasel. It is actually Mawile with a Sneasel makeover. I inputted a bunch of wild encounter gameshark codes before doing this let's play to see what was changed, and much to my surprise the original Sneasel slate is still Sneasel. So it really boggles me why this of all things was changed, when it could have just been left alone.

Future Dan: I find it even more interesting in retrospect because I used Gen 3 Suite to hack in certain members of later let's plays, even the ones that aren't necessarily super ubers.

Useless trivia aside, the cloaked dingus goes down without much of a fight.

Nah, not really. Paras always has an Oran Berry equipped so unless you got a critical hit, this fight was pretty much mine.

"I ought to tell you my name so you can tremble the next time you hear it. It's Alicia. Now let me pass!"

Pffffffffffft. Whatever you say, Alicia.

: "Well, that was unpleasant. Hope I never get to see her again."

Anyway, that's the end of part one and I hope you guys enjoyed it.

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Team setup:

(Reggie, level 5,

/

) - A bit worried

(Bellamine, level 3,

) - Confused as to where she just wound up

Future Dan: It feels so strange to go back to the first few chapters of Snakewood just to see how much my style has evolved since then. Chapter 1 didn't even have a team-setup or the portraits originally, which just blows my mind.

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[Rainbow Chara X]

This episode turned out to be more of a whopper than I expected, but it's still pretty eventful. Let's do this.

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Chapter 2 - We're Going Places
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Spoiler:

We find our hero Jack contemplating what to do with his life regarding all of this zombie apocalypse nonsense.

That is, until he sees a zombie getting it on I mean, a boy in peril! He rushes in to the rescue!

OH MY GOD!

What kind of sprite is this, Cutlerine?! It's like you just took a bunch of white and black, slapped it onto the Lass sprite and called it a day. Like what the hell, man? I thought the main heroes were pretty dopey looking, but this is legitimately awful.

She sends out a Polihag (groan) but it only does Bubble. Reggie does what he does best.

Oh no. Consider this a taste of what is coming up ahead. Anyway, switching to Bella.

It's just a green Charmander with red eyes. That's not a zombie. That's a recolor that needs some Clear Eye. Either way, Bellamine smears his body against the curb with Confusion.

****! I need some Clear Eye after looking at that sprite again.

B... but I thought she was a ghost? Make up your mind, Cutlerine!

Hey, thanks. I actually needed those so I wouldn't have to speed up all the time. But wait a second.

: "What a crappy flashback."

Agreed. But we get the Running Shoes now! Also, expect Jack to get flashback headaches like those a lot. It's part of the amnesiac struggle, I'm afraid.

Oh no, not another one of you. This fight is unavoidable even if you offscreen her, as she will still walk over to you. It's dumb. Also, insert innuendo here because I used it up with the last one.

Jesus. Now that's a zombie. Poor Marill looks kind of creepy here with the soulless eyes and the blood. I don't know why it would just turn orange all of a sudden, but what the hell.

Anyway, with that eyesore out of the way, let's go talk to the fine fellow over at the corner.

"This zombie is clearly eating but you don't feel like seeing exactly what it is."

... Let's leave him alone, then.

Let's get some food of our own. Also, since this picture needs some more pizzazz I should mention that the zombified Pokemon are actually no different than their regular counterparts.

Sorry to spoil, but a majority of them don't have additional/changed types nor are they that much stronger than how they normally are. They're just edited to be a bit "spookier" looking, and that's really it.

... I immediately feel out of my league. Let's not touch those two for right now.

Go south of there and you get this. I have no idea what the Broken Heart item is. Its description is "One of many the plague has left in Hoenn" but I have no idea what its effect is. Maybe it's like a selling item. I don't know.

Anyway, since the zombie blocking the way is pretty strong, let's go on a bit of a grinding session. It ends with Reggie learning Stun Spore, along with two new additions to the team.

Meet Zagon the Zigzagoon and Alice the Skitty. Zagon is not immediately useful, but trust me she becomes a beast later on. Alice, however, is more immediately useful but might not be so important later on. Either way, they're both welcomed with open arms.


Now that the party's a few levels stronger, let's do this.

RUDE CRUDE DUDES ALERT

Guys, seriously. Watch out for this dude. He will rip you apart with little effort, considering his high level and the fact he knows Ember. If Reggie tried to fight him right now, he would have been dead on arrival. If you're playing a Nuzlocke of this hack, be really goddamn careful as this Charmander can probably end your streak prematurely. (although why you'd do a nuzlocke of this game to begin with is a very interesting question)

No need to fear, as Bellamine puts him in his place. Thatta girl.

The person coming up after the ghost girl (???) is this kid. Unlike her however, Allen here is an absolute putz. He has two Boilbasaurs that get dumped out by Bellamine in no time flat.

What exactly are these words the zombies are saying? Cause I think that was a foreign curse word. You sassin' me, boy?

Ah! We're finally at Petalburg and... it's gone to hell, I'm afraid. Let's ask that lady over there to see if she can help u--

... Of course. This pun is lame too. I don't know why zombification would turn Squirtle into this copper-like form like he's a melting caramel bar. Damn, now I'm hungry. Anyway, once that's dealt with, let's make our way towards the house to our south.

Doesn't look that bad. I should mention that none of the music in this game has been modified to sound spookier, so the bright and happy Petalburg theme is still playing like normal.

"This woman appears to have had her legs gnawed off, which accounts as to why her corpse is still on this chair."

... Oh. That's gruesome. Cutlerine, this is where it's at. Why can't you write more horror?

Anyway, we make our way towards the gym until we see a bag on the ground.

It's essentially the Pokecenter of this town, and I'm grateful. I'm not going back to Oldale just to recover wounds.

"It's impossible to enter. The doors are firmly wedged shut by a pile of skulls and stuff."

Damn. What even happened here? How did the zombies overtake everybody this messily?

Another person that doesn't have the green skin recolor disease!

: "Yes, how do you know that?"

Person: "You look like your brother. Are you going after him?"

: "Of course."

Person: "Then will you bring peace and put the dead back in their graves?"

: "... Sure, whatever."

... Well that was a thing. Goodbye, random NPC that existed for only one scene. Let's go into that house, actually.

Oh sweet!

That crate contains an infinite amount of Potions for you to take, free of charge. Although it should make you really suspicious about the road ahead if a level 9 zombie Charmander is what they throw at you right out of the gate...

"Perhaps it's the salty sea air."

If saltwater and the sea air are the primary weaknesses of the zombies (along with just beating the guts out of them), then they chose the absolute worst region to make a Zombie Apocalypse happen. Speaking of the beach...

We get jumped by this guy.

Hey asshat, you were the one that attacked me. I didn't even want your stupid items anyway.

"I've lost everything. The zombies ate my family and destroyed my home. What little I had left was stolen by looters. Sob... sob..."

... Well damn.

"I'm trying to extract some salt from the seawater. If a zombie comes in contact with salt, they turn back into a corpse. Haitian legend said so."

Huh. I'm interested in this concept and while it cripples the already not-that-hard-to-kill undead, it's a nice idea.

"I just tried to get Mr. Briney to take me to Dewford because it's an island and zombies can't cross running water. But Mr. Briney tried to eat me!

Oh. Moving on.

Yeah, get out of the way. You're just experience fodder anyway.

We're at the woods now and I just gotta say. If you don't train here, you're going to have a bad time.

Our first encounter in the woods is Lyle here. Despite the smug look on his face, he's actually fighting us so we don't get ourselves killed from the zombies. He's actually a nice guy, even if his method is a bit backward.

: "... I'll be fine, okay."

Jack is the last person I expect to die in this story. Lyle, you're higher up on the hit list due to being a random NPC.

We go to our right here and we meet Larry the Looter. Larry here is actually an impromptu Mart and a friendly guy. He sells us stuff. That makes him a winner in my eyes.

I decided to do a bit more grinding to prepare for the next big fight. And while I was at it -

Our hero of the evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Now the team consists of -

• Reggie (Paras, Male, Modest nature)
• Bellamine (Kirlia, Female, Rash nature)
• Egg the Egg (??????????????????)
• Zagon (Zigzagoon, Female, Lax nature)
• Alice (Skitty, Female, Jolly nature)
• and now Ambes (Pikachu, Male, Quirky nature)

I think we can kick ass in style like this, even if natures will mean absolutely nothing to me later on.

Right now though, we have to deal with some trouble!

Oh no, here we go.

Yeeeeesh. They're actually kind of terrifying. And trust me, if you didn't take precautions this fight will end you. Which is why I did this.

ALICE EWWW NOOO

This is messed up in so many ways.

... But what can I say. She's a maneater.

Seriously though if this was Reggie or Bellamine, they would have both died horribly.

RUDE CRUDE DUDES ALERT #2

You thought the Charmander from before was bad? This guy is an utter nightmare. Despite his dopey looking gold appearance, Dirtkrow here will tear your soul out and eat it. He will make mincemeat out of all of your Pokemon - especially if you choose Paras. Hence why finding Pikachu in this segment is absolutely necessary.

My hero.

Yeah, suck a chode.

"We demons may possess corpses but we are honorable. You have defeated me, and so I will warn you that stronger demons than I lurk ahead in the city you call Rustboro."

oh that ain't good

Huh. That's convenient.

Oh, is Jack going to have a flashback?

[The screen darkens a bit]

Landon: "This Stone Badge raises the Attack of my Pokemon. I got it from the Gym Leader Roxanne!"

: "Urrghhh... That flashback hurt my brain. But I remember where these come from. These Gym Badges - the Gym Leaders have them. And the Gym Leaders are strong... So what could have possibly happened to Rustboro that even the Gym Leader was defeated? I'd better investigate - with extreme caution."

Oh ho, the plot thickens! I don't know if I've said this by now, but I like Jack. The two main characters, despite getting the silliest default names, are actually the most down-to-earth characters of the entire thing. They're nice to watch and their reactions are appropriate.

"I'm going to die... I can feel the poison chilling my blood and turning my brain to soup. Urgh..."

Oh **** is he going to turn into a zombie? Cause if so, bring it on!

... Never mind. May he rest in... peace?

Anyway, that's all for this update. Next time we tackle Rustboro and see just what the hell happened to Hoenn.

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Team setup:

(Reggie,

/

) -Feeling a bit down that nothing is going his way

(Bellamine,

) - Shivering at the sight of that headless Houndour and Alice encounter

(Alice,

) - Feeling pretty rad that she kicked ass

(Ambes,

) - Pretty worried for the rest of his family

(Zagon,

) - Happy to be in the arms of a capable trainer

(Egg the Egg,

) - Currently hatching

Future Dan: This was the start of the 100 screenshots per chapter formula that would later go on to be a staple of my LPs. Funny how this "whopper" turned out to be standard procedure by later chapter standards.

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[Rainbow Chara X]

I wonder if this LP could be put up on the LP archive. I'd be down for that.

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Chapter 3 - An Ace Takes Flight
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Spoiler:

I neglected to show this Ether last update. It's cool that there's PP restoration items hanging around, but they fall into the "too cool to use" club for me.

I had also forgotten to give this fine chap the time of day.

I swear to god if that line was taken out of context, it would sound absolutely skeevy. Anyway, a quick demonology note - Andromalius is the 72nd Earl of Hell. He is depicted as a man holding a serpent and is responsible for punishing thieves along with exposing evil and dishonest dealings. All of the possessed corpse enemies in this game reference an Ars Goetian demon, which is cool and all but if they're not important to the story then they're just fodder.

However, he does have a very interesting Pokemon.

Would you look at that. An evil egg.

But seriously though, the Secretegg series of Fakemon are actually the most complex Pokemon in this entire hack. They have the most evolutions out of any Pokemon (outside of Eevee, which I don't think is in this) and all of them are pretty crazy. You can level it up normally, but at a certain point if you give it an Elemental Stone (Fire, Water and Thunder respectively) Secretegg (or rather a later stage of it) will actually evolve into ENTEI, SUICUNE OR RAIKOU.

I am not making this up. It's a really good Pokemon to keep around, even if it's not very interesting sprite-wise.

Pssh. Go after some looters instead. Preferably punish the lot that robbed that one woman blind on the beach.

This is what he was blocking, by the way. This makes grinding a hell of a lot easier later on.

Now we're actually getting somewh-- what is that in the upper left corner

Oh dear god. Shield your eyes, Ambes!

Ambes:

: "... Goddamn, that's barbaric. Let's just take this Super Potion and leave."

: "... You okay, little buddy?"

Ambes:

: [Gives the Pikachu a hug]
Ambes:

Wait a second, who would have done this? The zombies seem very unlikely cause they just eat everything and all the survivors would be more concerned with... you know, surviving. So you got me. Poor Ambes, though.

Inside of the flower house you can find a Wailmer Pail. I don't know why you would use it, as berry planting wasn't even that feasible in the original game. Much less so in a hack as difficult and plot-driven as Snakewood.

: "Lady, do I look like I'm rotting or have blue skin?"

: "And I had to knock out your Pokemon before you could realize that."

"Now I'm lost, tired AND with a fainted Pokemon. I'm surely dead meat."

: "I would be more sympathetic to your plight if I didn't scream 'I'm not a zombie, what is wrong with you' like five times as we fought."

"Go to the city and rid us of the demons. If it'll help, please take this TM09."

That's cool and all, but only Reggie can learn it and even then there's better moves coming up for him anyway. It's the thought that matters.

: "So wait, the zombies can't cross water either? Our region is like 60 percent water! How are they getting anywhere? Bah. How's fishing going for y--"

Of course. He has like three of these, by the way. Hurray for experience fodder!

Up the path, we meet these two (along with another one that was unimportant to show). It's a gruesome sprite edit and all, but why do all of the kids have yellow clothes after they get zombified? Actually, I don't want to know why.

Oh joy, more "puns"! But really. If you prepared, this fight is nothing special. I would complain about how the coloring is inconsistent between the evolutions but zombie Wartortle's evil black eyes kinda scare me.

Rustboro City, at last. I should mention that Rustboro has some of my favorite music out of Gen 3. It's just homey to me. It's only matched by Solaceon in Gen 4 and Lacunosa in Gen 5.

But wait, before we go into the city... I sense a major asshole up ahead. Let's go back and grind a bit more.

... As I was kicking some ass, the egg finally hatched. Into a Mystery Egg, no less.

You know I had to. Benedict, out of every type I expected, wound up being Normal / Bug... which explains why the Leech Life of that other Egg nearly killed Bellamine. Oh well.

"Gasp... gasp... I've been running from the zombies for days now. But they're everywhere. My Pokemon can barely carry on..."

: "Of course you can. I mean, I have like millions of the damn things." [hands her a potion]

Lady: "Thank you, thank you! You literally saved my life. Take this small gift as my gratitude."

: "Aww, it was nothing."

Sweet. This will be useful very soon, actually. Just wait and see.

Also while going back, I found these two kids running back and forth through the trees. I don't even know.

Anyway, let's see what that thing at the entrance to Rustboro is.

It's an evil disembodied head!

... Called Benji.

WHAT THE **** DID CUTLERINE DO TO JYNX

I mean hell, Jynx wasn't a favorite of mine in terms of design but this is just hideous. He gave her a chest face. That has eye titties. Grody.

Also

rude crude dudes alert

as Eye-Eye is actually really goddamn strong for this early in the game. Pound may not be something to write home about, but the Powder Snow she has is dangerous. It can put practically every member to half or below with one use or straight up kill if you're Reggie. (sorry reggie you get all the worst luck

)

Zagon earns her keep. By the way, Benedict actually fainted offscreen. That's how strong this thing is. Pray for me.

After beating the (outright mutated what the hell cutlerine) zombie Jynx, Benji just becomes a normal severed head. Joy.

Who is going around decapitating everything?

Anyway, we have a house along with a pen of a zombies. Believe it or not, that's the Pokecenter. Oh, and say hello to Alicia again.

Here we obtain something called the Mush Mask. There is supposed to be a person there but his sprite disappeared for some reason. As for what the Mush Mask does, I have no idea but I guess we're stuck with it now.

"But I think the demons got him. Where'd they take his HMs, I wonder? And what happened to his daughter?"

Believe it or not, this will become relevant in chapter 4. But anyway, let's go bother Alicia!

: "Sup, babe."

"Hmph. I'm surprised you got this far. I thought the demons I left behind in the woods would have taken you down."

: "What?! You're working with them?"

Alicia: "Didn't my trainer class give it away? I'm a Deathcaller, a servant of Lord Gravetric."

: "Who's that?"

Alicia: "Why should I tell YOU anything? But since my demons couldn't get rid of you, I guess I'll have to instead!"

Oh no, how can we possibly

--

Alicia has some new Pokemon, but they are practically nothing compared to what you had to deal with to get here. Nor are they that big of a threat compared to the person who comes after her. You should be able to get rid of her arrogant ass easily.

Also, don't worry about all that Gravetric business. It won't come into play until much later on.

[Theme that starts playing after you beat Alicia: May's theme (???)]

: "... Whatever. I've already called up a good number of demons. I'll just file my report back to Verdanturf."

... It just occurred to me that Alicia may have been an optional fight. But I'm pretty sure that was supposed to happen anyway.

Besides, it's fun to kick her ass unlike everybody else here.

Do you want me to rip you apart like the other demons that got in the way?

By the way, I should really put in walk-through-walls to see if he's hiding anything in that house. Anyway, let's go to school!

Doing great. The Demon Horn is just the Quick Claw with a different name. That diary, however...

"We blocked the door today with Derek's corpse but it doesn't seem to do any good. However many times we block it up, the demons always try to eat their way through again... We're running out of food and guns... Elise was taken today. It's just me today. I'm going to do it. With the last bullet..."

... Jesus ****ing christ, Cutlerine. This episode is just full of tragedy.

But now for some more plot!

???: Hm. He's late. This is not acceptable.

[Enter a demon corpse from the right]

Dantalion: "I apologize, master. This body is rather slow. It is a result, I believe, of the legs having been removed."

???: "Make sure you acquire another one soon. I will require you to be at your best when we challenge Them."

???: "DON'T mention their names! Being of such power as They can hear their names whispered over many miles. I don't wish to bring down their wrath upon us before we are ready."

Dantalion: "Yes, master."

???: "Be silent. Although I have cloaked us with a field of invisibility, the demons of this place will hear us if we do not keep our voices down. I have found the vessel that is summoning them, however. It is in a cave to the northeast of here. Together, we will dismantle it."

Dantalion: "Yes, master."

This is foreshadowing and all but trust me we will collectively slap our foreheads when we get there.

: "What was that? Who were they? Something about them felt familiar - is it possible that I've met them before? And how is it possible that I could see them when plainly nobody else could?.... I guess it doesn't matter. If they're going to stop these horrific demons, then they're my allies. I'd better go help them! I might even get some answers in the bargain!"

Oh Jack, you're so quick to trust a random stranger accompanied by a loyal demon corpse servant. Never change.

"..... Authorized Personnel only."

: "Whew. That was close. I almost went in somewhere where I wasn't meant to!"

Jack, you're a bit too law-abiding for your own good.

Go into the gym and you can get Rock Tomb. That's neat, I guess. Let's go into the house right next to the gym.

"This Hiker is dead. Someone has hollowed him out with their teeth from behind, so if you wanted to, you could get inside of him and wear him like a suit."

He contains a Zombie Liver, too. Which is just major

"Those zombies in the pen down there? They're food for us, dear. By the way, that's a lovely body you managed to get yourself. Not a scratch on it!"

: "Uh... yeah. Heheh."

So the demons eat the zombies and this guy thinks I'm a demon corpse too. Yeah sure, ok I'm just

with it

Also, I think this is a good time for a new grinding session. Cause trust me, we will need it.

This guy has a Dirtkrow. Which is not that much of a problem anymore considering Ambes is properly leveled up.

Ahem.

Orobas (and Dantalion, considering we passed him up when he appeared) are both up next. Orobas is a Great Prince of Hell that essentially serves as an oracle as he knows all the answers and never decieves anyone. He is depicted as a horse that changes into a man at the conjurer's request. (he lost because he was a sissy)

Dantalion, on the other hand, is a Great Duke of Hell that teaches all arts and sciences and comes in many shapes and sizes. Which honestly I can buy because when we see Dantalion next time, he's not in a rotting old person body like the other dumb demons here.

However his companion, Kent the severed head, is much more of a pain in the ass. For you see, he has TWO EYE-EYES. And they both use Powder Snow 100% of the time. Wonderful.

Anyway, I decided to do a bit more talent searching and I came back with a very promising result.

His name is Ace, by the way. I took the screen capture before I put in the name. Sorry about that.

Alice, I'm afraid you're going to be benched.

Alice:

: "We need to switch the team around once in a while. It's nothing personal."

Alice:

Sorry babe. You were a true credit to the team when you were around, but now it's Ace's time to shine. Speaking of him -

He joined us at level five not even 10 minutes ago. THIS IS HOW QUICKLY HE DESTROYED EVERYTHING WHILE TRAINING. (admittedly speed-up helped too)

Such a promising start.

Go up to Route 115 aaand it's blocked off by a tree. That's how you know plot is in that direction. Let's not go there.

Let's instead meet up with the man with the red-colored text.

[He turns around]

: "Wha--?"

???: "Don't pretend to be confused. You can't fool me, even disguised as you are."

: "Who - Who are you? I've lost my memory. And you look familiar......"

???: "Very well. You may call me Gleis. It seems I have mistaken you for someone else. You must possess an uncommonly strong Second Sight in order to be able to see me - and I know only one other human that has that power. That is where my confusion arose from."

: "I overheard you earlier saying you were going to destroy that thing that was making the demons appear. And... I want to help. I came to look for my brother and his girlfriend, but an old woman tole me to drive the demons away. So I said I would and I'm going to. So let me help."

Gleis: "But I am not sure you are quite up to the task. If you please, may I test you first, to see if you may be of any aid?"

: "Of course!"

Gleis: "Then let us begin!"

Well here we go. Gleis here is a Taoist. His trainer class is actually relevant in more than just face value and honestly I kind of like his sprite. Do not let your guard down as he could potentially be the absolute worst opponent so far, hands down.

PANIC ALARM

Faceleech, oh my god. This thing is outright evil. See, it may be a one trick pony (despite it being a Deoxys ripoff) but it's a nasty one trick. See, Faceleech's main gimmick is that it's insanely strong and insanely fast. This thing outspeeds Ambes, who is already pretty damn fast as he is. It could potentially sweep the entire team with a few Poison Fangs.

How are you supposed to beat it if it's so overpowered? See, Faceleech has excellent attack and speed growth (along with Speed Boost of all abilities) but its defenses and health are practically 1. Not even joking.

It is also

/

type.

Ace used Quick Attack and it took down Faceleech almost instantly. Funny thing, I used Quick Attack with Ambes earlier but it wound up leaving Faceleech with just enough health to murder everybody. So as far as I'm concerned, this bird came right out of nowhere and saved the entire team.

Get Ace some Kamina Shades and a goddamn beer. He deserves it.

Even his text in battle is red. (i don't know what else to add, i'm still in shock)

: " I shall now heal your Pokemon."

[fade-to-black transition with healing sound effect]

Hey, he's honorable at the very least.

: "My servant, Dantalion, is waiting at the cave mouth to the east. I'll go and join him. When you have prepared yourself, please join us and I will explain what must be done."

And with that, I think that's a good spot to end off this update. Route 116 is up next and it shouldn't be that bad... right? See you then.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Current Team:

(Reggie, Level 12,

/

) - Is waiting for some action

(Bellamine, Level 12,

) - Pondering what exactly is up with Gleis

(Ace, Level 15,

/

) - HIS DRILL PECK WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS

(Zagon, Level 13,

) - Shaking the blood from that Eye-Eye off of her fur

(Ambes, Level 14,

) - Still crying

(Benedict, Level 9,

/

) - * shake, shake *



Future Dan: If I'm not mistaken, this was the first time the team set-up was properly introduced.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

Today's chapter title is more than just a reference.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 4 - Pride and Pestilence
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Let's get to business already. There's a zombie fresh for experience hogging.

"It was once a zombie, but either Gleis or Dantalion has carefully removed all of its bones through its nose and now it can't move."

That's some Mortal Kombat fatality **** right there.

"It was once a zombie, but either Gleis or Dantalion has nailed it to the ground with its own amputated arm."

These guys are very effective, I'll give them that. At least this means I don't have to deal with as many pains this episode.

Here's a Repel in case you don't want to deal with wild Mons. The area above us is completely unassailable for the moment, so let's not bother with it now.

"It was once a zombie, but either Gleis or Dantalion has buried its feet in the Earth and cut off its hands. Now it is stuck and wobbles in a comical manner."

On one hand I feel like laughing but on the other hand I feel pity for the damn thing.

"It was once a zombie, but Gleis has torn its face off and tied its brain to a tree root. You know it was Gleis who did it because its head is covered in Faceleech spit."

Nasty. Faceleech was evil when we fought it, but I'll give it this. It's metal as fuck.

Also, Ace got into a fight offscreen and lost to another Taillow. Amazing.

"It's a strange demonic creature like a snail, except it uses this man's corpse as its shell. It looks like it's going to move very, very slowly."

... Just roll with it. It'll get out of the way eventually. For now we have more pressing matters.

It's a blue-haired athlete dude.

: "Ye-yes?"

???: "I am Dantalion, servant of the one you call Gleis."

Dantalion: "Yes I have. What do you think of this one, by the way? Does it suit me?"

He's hitting on Jack like a goddamn wrecking ball.

: "... Yeah, sure."

Dantalion: "Thanks. Anyway, the Master has instructed me to remain outside and keep a lookout. He wants you to go inside - I shouldn't keep him waiting if I were you."

: "Ok. Thanks, Dantalion."

I don't even know what to say about this.

is that a new grinding session i smell

"Come over here and we'll talk further."

Huh. Let's talk to the girl before we do anything.

"This girl's eyes glow a soft silver. She murmurs unintelligible nothings under her breath. The words are red and shudder angrily in her mouth."

That's legitimately unnerving. What the hell even happened to her?

[Current Audio: Elite Four Appears]

"Then I shall tell you. One sets up a suitable vessel for the demons to flow through from the Pit, and then one casts the appropriate spell. This girl here is the vessel - she is channeling the demons through. If I can break the spell on her, no more demons will appear."

: "So what do I do?"

"When the demons in the Pit sense their portal to this world being closed, they will flock towards it in the hopes of getting through before it closes. I need you to beat them back before they can get through."

: "Y... you're serious. Okay. I'm ready when you are."

Oh no. What did we get ourselves into?

[White flash followed by two more]

Landon: "May? Oh she's gone shopping in Slateport with her friend Elise - you know, the Cut Man's daughter.

[White flash]

: "Are you quite alright, Jack? You appear to be swaying slightly."

: "Yeah, I'm fine I think. It was just a little flashback... I remembered who this girl was. She's the Cut Man's daughter - I remember her. I'm ready to go now!"

^ dan's brain

: "Very well. I'll begin work on breaking the spell."

Oh christ, here we go. What is it going to be?

I... what. Let's dissect what we're looking at here. It's a messily put together red guy with Brock's eyes, a Groudon claw and a Zangoose claw. Wearing black pants. I... wow, the demon corpses looked a lot scarier. I know this hack does not exactly contain the best sprite quality, but Cutlerine could have gotten creative and made the demon guys like super-hell Pokemon or something.

Or you know, hired someone to do the sprites.

Belial here has two Anorith, though. Why that Pokemon of all things I'll never know, but apparently Anorith are the spawn of the devil now. Also, I mulled it over and gave Grasswhistle to Reggie. Surprisingly, it worked.

However, it woke up on the switch to Bellamine (the Anorith know Harden - physicals be damned) so it wasn't that great.

Now here's something funny. They know Mud Sport, just in case you decided to bring in a Pikachu. And the only other person that has a good chance of hurting this thing was Ace. So technically Bellamine saved the day for this fight.

Not that it was much of a threat to begin with.

: "It was something by the general meaning of: 'I dislike you intensely."

I don't like you either, Belial.

Awww here we go. This has to be promising.

... It's literally the same guy but with a different name!

Second verse same as the first with the fight too, cause they both have the same Pokemon. Also, demonology.

Belial is a King of Hell (#68 in the Lesser Key of Solomon) and was created as the first spirit after Lucifer. He has the power to distribute senatorships and gives excellent familiars. He must be presented with offerings, sacrifices and gifts, or else he will not give true answers to demands. So you could describe him as basically a super-competent hiring guy.

Asmodeus, on the other hand, is another King of Hell (#32). His appearance is something that Cutlerine could have really taken advantage of, as Asmodeus is described as "strong, powerful and appears with three heads; the first is like a bull, the second like a man, and the third like a ram; the tail of a serpent, and from his mouth issue flames."

Like imagine that instead of this Brock-wannabe with a Groudon claw.

Bellamine politely shows them the way back into Hell.

: ("What are you talking about, Jack? These are the easiest fights we've been in so far.")

: ("I know, but this could get nasty if we keep going so let's just stop here.")

: ("I understand.")

: "I have almost completed the required spell, Jack. Give me a moment more... There! Done it!"

[Elise blinks in and out of existence before disappearing entirely]

: "It would appear that she was consumed by the energy released from the ending of the spell. It is just as well. If she had not absorbed it, the energy would have killed us."

Oh **** we killed her.

... Not that it matters that much given she was a minor character.

: "We will meet again some day."

[Fade to black]

: "Still, I suppose I can't expect driving out demons to be a bed of roses. Now that they're driven out, I should continue my search for my brother and May. Maybe someone in Verdanturf knows something about them."

Like I said. Jack's reactions to everything are appropriate for the situation and that's why I like him.

I couldn't resist.

Not sure if Pumbloom is going to be used at all, but Exploud is pretty badass. So I'll keep him in mind.

You can get a Max Ether here.

Again, I don't recommend ever using these as they're part of the too-good-to-use club. Let's make our way to Verdanturf and see what's been changed.

[Current Audio: Verdanturf Town]

Yeah, holy ****. This place got destroyed. I should also mention that Verdanturf has always been one of those songs that really touch my heart, so to hear it to this scene where the town is practically a crater makes me kinda sad. It's like a shadow of its former self.

[White flash]

: "What's with this flashback? They don't usually hurt as much - Aagh!"

Pestilence: "Ha! The boot is on the other foot now! I knew you couldn't stand against us. And now all that's left is to bid you... adieu!"

[Extended white flash]

: "What was that?"

Damn, Jack, you must have taken a real fumble if you wound up there. I'm surprised he doesn't have any bruises.

"I'll bring you to my boss."

She has a boss? Are we at Gravetric already?

Oh. Never mind.

: "You're - you're Pestilence! But... from where do I know you? And why can't I remember anything about you other than your name?"

Pestilence: "YOU! What are YOU doing here? I thought you were dead, destroyed along with that deadbeat town... But wait. You say you only remember my name?"

I love how nonchalantly Jack says this after Pestilence just said "I thought you were dead" and the fact that her name is PESTILENCE. He's either not caring or having an incredible lapse of logic. It's the latter, I'm afraid.

Pestilence: "At least I had some success. I may have not killed you, but the impact appears to have at least erased your memory. Needless to say -"

Pestilence: "Pestilence, the only female member of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, cannot afford any loose ends!"
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

Cutlerine, out of everything you could have picked from the pre-existing mythos of Pokemon, you went with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? I mean, come on, dude. At least make them Pokemon if you're going to do this!

Her sprite is blech too, but I guess it fits since she's supposed to be... sickly, I dunno.

Pestilence being the horseman of disease would explain why she has like two of these. Also, I think the zombification of Grimer made it even more gross looking. But guess what? It's still just Poison type.

This woman is absolutely stealing the show today. That's my girl.

Pestilence's Pokemon, aside from the Moulders, is this Qwilfish. Don't be fooled - this is actually not Qwilfish. It is in fact Tentacool with a Qwilfish reskin. This will become much more relevant as time passes. Also, she's pretty hard if you don't properly train up a Pikachu as demonstrated by the beating she left on Ambes.

They're called grinding sessions, babe. They're not hard to do.

: "No matter. We shall leave this base for now and build ourselves another one. Come, Alicia!"

[She walks offscreen]

"Please forgive me for attacking you all those times, but... Times have changed. I work for the Horsemen now and I can't show you any mercy. I won't fight you this time, but next time I'll go all out against you."

I do not buy this for one second.

: "... It's no use. She's not coming back."

What was Jack even going to ask Alicia? I'm curious now.

"What is going on here? How do all these people know me? And why can't I remember anything about them?"

[White flash]

: "Wait a minute. What's that?"

: "I remember what this is!"

Hot damn, we finally get a Pokedex!

"Is this my brother's? He had one, I think. No, wait. He had completed his, I seem to remember. May had one that she didn't finish, didn't she? So this is hers! But what was Pestilence doing with May's Pokedex? Hm... I probably stand a good chance of finding out if I continue on my search. For now, I'll use this Pokedex myself."

Cool. With that revelation, let's actually use our brand new Pokedex.

Let's look up Ralts to see the earliest possible place we can pick one up.

LILYCOVE?! ARE YOU FOR REAL?!

Man, now I'm glad I cheated to get Bellamine. I am not waiting until we get to there of all places.

I should mention that Verdanturf has some really weird thing going on where the exit pointer constantly shows up as you face down but there's no exit that goes to the south. I guess he just didn't want people to get confused by this layout or something.

"The zombie appears to have been made completely dizzy by the heat of the lava. Its dry body is on the verge of catching on fire, so you'd better move away."

I'm really glad Cutlerine didn't make zombie Pokemon that explode. Because that would have been disgusting.

"This Charizard appears to be enjoying the heat here. You think about catching it, but as it has a collar around its neck, you decide it belongs to someone, and leave it alone."

Jack being a goody two-shoes again. Do you know the damage we can cause with a Charizard, man?!

Feh. Let's go into this cave.

WHAT

This isn't a cave.

"Welcome to Endless Plains. Thank you for visiting and please stay within the force field."

I admit it's much more deserving of the Verdanturf music than the actual town now, but... Where the hell are we? Were we teleported here?

Also, even though it's called Endless Plains, this map isn't that much bigger than a house. I guess that's just how much the "force-field" covers.

Sweet. Now we can progress through the route above Rustboro.

My main man Larry has the goods.

Back on Route 116, the demon snail with a man-shell has moved out of the way. If this was any other game, it... would still sound kinda weird.

"This man has had his brains delicately scooped out through a hole in his skull the size of a ten pence piece. You are beginning to suspect that the zombies have an unusual sense of style when it comes to killing people."

Almost comically uncharacteristic for the zombies that we've seen so far. It must have been a much more powerful kind of zombie. Also,

He gives us the Snakewood equivalent of the Amulet Coin. That's alright, I suppose.

As we try to leave the Route, we get called by Birch.

"Hey, Jack, it's me! Listen, I've got news for you. I managed to reprogram an old military satellite and have got a working connection with Dewford Town. Because it's an island, it appears they're completely unaffected by the plague."

: "That's cool and all, Prof, but what does any of this have to do with me?"

"Your brother and May were seen in Dewford a few weeks ago. You should go and investigate."

: "Okay. How do I get there?"

"Here's the tricky bit. You'll need HM Surf and a Balance Badge to get there. I don't know where you can find the HM, but I know there's a couple of survivors from Norman's gym. I think they might have a badge or two lying around - look for them around Rustboro and ask."

: "Okay. Will do. See you, Birch."

: "I'll call you later. See you, Jack."

Alright, we have a definite mini-goal to reach. Cool, cool. Although it's pretty obvious Landon or May are still not on Dewford.

Upon coming into this route, there's completely nothing on the left. Well, nothing we can do without Surf just yet.

Go to the right and you get a Super Potion and some Bluk berries if you have the crazy idea to do Pokeblocks in this hack.

(spoiler alert: you can't.)

Uh? That's not right. I didn't use cheats this time either, so that's a legitimate map error.

"Hey! This dead guy's got a Pokeball on him. Let's see what it contains."

Okay, hold the phone.

Jack wasn't comfortable with stealing three Pokemon that were in the middle of nowhere, but he's perfectly fine with looting off of dead peoples' bodies? What kind of sense does that make?

(so glad Sun and Moon did away with this mechanic, by the way)

There we go. I would use Magikarp... if I were predictable, but the thing it has is much more important. (By the way I like Gyarados but I feel the spot for this adventure would be better filled up by something else, preferably one of the new Fakemon)

We give it to Zagon because she's the most useful hm slave Pokemon on the team.

Also, I don't know what to do with Benedict. All it knows is Leech Life. Maybe it should get the bench after this episode? I dunno.

Also, hello zombie (ghost) girl. She has a zombie Ivysaur and that's all fine and good.

However, she has something worse.

(kinda) RUDE CRUDE DUDES ALERT

Charmeworm (ha ha) here is basically an upgraded Rotmander, with all of the things that made the first one hard to deal with. He also has Smokescreen, which makes trying to hit him an absolutely lovely experience. I like that he has the Charizard shiny colors, but other than that, there's not much to worry about if you prepared.

I did not. Therefore Zagon got kicked out of the fight. Poor gal.

But Ace gets to show off his skills once again.

Rock Smash? Well, I'll keep this in mind for later.

Huh. There's a lady here that doesn't have a mangled sprite. Let's talk to her.

"I'm the only trainer left alive from Petalburg Gym. That makes me the Gym Leader and means I need to uphold its honor by defeating you!"

Bring it on.

The Gym Leader theme isn't playing, by the way. That's a bit lame.

RUDE CRUDE DUDES ALERT (for real this time)

Christ almighty. Zangoose not only looks cool but she can absolutely rip you apart with a Swords Dance boost. It's a pretty heinous strategy for this early in the game, and it makes Zangoose as strong as Faceleech in some regards.

There was also a Delcatty as the second Pokemon. Cute Charm wound up being really annoying, but I don't have much to say as she got criticaled by Reggie. I did have an Alice joke in there to make, but I didn't feel like it would work.

Regardless of any fallacies on my part, Laura falls.

She gives us the Balance Badge!

But no TM though. She said she could only escape with the badges so that's a shame.

"Now, go and prove I wasn't just weak! Go and beat some zombies!"

: "You don't have to tell me twice."

Alright, sweet. Now that we have the Balance Badge, we can use surf now. But wait a second, let's take a look at our team.

Oh wow, WE GOT ROCKED

There we go, much better. But take a note, everybody: If an enemy has used Swords Dance at least twice, drop the fight and run away. There is no shame in it.

Cutlerine changed the surfing message too. Although it may not make sense now, we'll be surfing on more than just water in this game. Just trust me.

With that said... Next time on Pokemon Snakewood, we'll be heading to Dewford.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team set-up:

(Reggie, level 16, has Leftovers,

/

) - Contemplating life until he gets a good grass or bug type move

(Bellamine, level 17,

) - Taking care of the team

(Zagon, level 14,

) - Currently surfing

(Ambes, level 16,

) - Drooling at the amount of EXP to be gained from fighting water Pokemon

(Ace, level 17, has Anadrin Talon.

/

) - Keeping a lookout

(Benedict, level 9,

/

) - Doing egg things.

(Alice, level 10,

) - ooh she mad

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Laguna]

Looking great so far! I haven't read many screenshot LPs since I was raised on YouTube but this is definitely a really well-made LP.

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

Looking great so far! I haven't read many screenshot LPs since I was raised on YouTube but this is definitely a really well-made LP.

Awww, thanks Laguna! That means a lot. ♥

I took a lot of cues from the guys over at the LP Archive. They make some really good screenshot LPs over there, and Snakewood is a game that I was adamant on doing.

I've seen a lot of let's plays of Snakewood (both video and screenshot) but rarely any of them complete the entire game. I plan on doing the entire thing from start to finish, even including the postgame.

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

Oh snap, we got a double update. One of these being one I forgot to put up and the other is actual advancement.

Chapter 3.5 - We're not exactly welcome here. (Gameshark Fun)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

3.5 is more of a bonus episode than anything because nothing that happens in here should be considered part of the actual let's play.

We last left Jack and his merry crew on the entrance to Route 116. However, since I felt like it, I bestowed him a new but temporary power.

: "WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT"

That's right, we're going to use the walk-through-walls code to go places where we're not supposed to be. It's gonna be a show today, folks.

Remember this building that Jack was too much of a coward to go in? Let's break some rules.

Where the hell did we just wind up? We went from the outside of an ornate building to a depressing looking submarine place. Turns out this is an area we're not supposed to be at for another few updates. Whoops.

With that said, let's visit that asshole demon corpse that blocked our way into that house.

Don't think I forgot, either.

Uh? This house looks normal. Surely those two must be horribly mutilated corpses.

... No, they're completely fine. They even give us beginner advice and everything. They must be some very lucky survivors or Cutlerine just didn't want to go through the effort of hacking this house.

You ever wonder what it would be like to live in a world of monsters like Pokemon? 'Cause now that that's crossed my mind, I think it's a very interesting question.

"What's hard? You have to ask? It's trying to figure out what to make for meals every day. It really isn't easy coming up with meals every day."

I love how in a zombie apocalypse setting, this unchanged dialogue makes everything much, much chintzier than it actually is. But yeah. Honestly, this is the problem my mom has almost all of the time. Sometimes she just orders fast food instead of cooking dinner.

: "Oh god I'm in a closed off area surrounded by zombies!"

: "... Wh.. what the hell?"

Sentient talking zombies! They're becoming more intelligent!

... Actually, no. These are just NPCs that have the zombie overworld sprites but their lines are completely unedited from the vanilla game. Cutlerine didn't plan on you using walk-through-walls to communicate with them. But now that we are talking with them, it makes everything either more horrifying or more silly depending on your perspective.

The same thing applies to these kids. They just spout stuff about Pokemon evolving. I honestly don't know what Cutlerine was going for when he put them running back and forth here. At least the zombie pen had a bit of an explanation.

Back in the house where fought Orobas and Kent (*shiver*), I never went to investigate these stairs.

"These stairs are broken and don't look safe to climb. Also there are skulls scattered on them."

It doesn't take you anywhere. Aww.

Cut to Petalburg, and it turns out that the door leads to the gym like it's supposed to. But wait, something doesn't feel right here. The asshole-o-meter is going off the charts. Let's go into a room.

Oh hey, there's zombies here too. I wonder what Pokemon she has?

WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, HOLY ****

LET'S GET THE **** OUTTA HERE

Oh god. That nearly gave me a heart attack the first time I saw it. I can definitely see why Cutlerine sealed the place off, christ.

Now that we're in Oldale though, let's slip through this pesky blockade.

Huh. There's a lady there along with a path on the right. (Jack's left)

"He'll be dead now, of course. No one survived here. Sob... I don't need this anymore..."

Oh.

By the way I have no idea when this is supposed to happen. But at the very least we got it out of the way now while the zombie apocalypse is still relevant.

While we're at it, let's go appraise the Broken Heart item.

... Larry do me a solid please

But let's be real here. Cutlerine, you put in an object called the Broken Heart that can't be sold nor does it do anything when used. It's cute and all, but all it does it clog up space. Thankfully youcan just dump away the Broken Heart. I wouldn't want to keep it anyway, cause ewww.

EDIT: Upon further inspection, it does have a use. I just didn't discover it at this point.

BOW DOWN BEFORE THE SECOND COMING OF POKEMON JESUS

Future Dan speaks: Holy shit this exact thing happens in Dark Rising 2 but for real.

I should mention that walk-through-walls is actually limited. See, you can go through things just fine, but if you hit an NPC or something that has a solid border (like where you would normally surf to get onto the water) it doesn't work. Going through otherwise inaccessible areas like the trees help you get back to normal ground, however.

There are also invisible walls at the edges of every map, so you can't just walk into game crashes (Gen 1's glitch grass on Route 1) or enter a weird glitch dimension with ****ed up music (every time you go out of bounds in Gen 2)

I should also mention that there are still wild encounters even as you're walking on the water, so don't get too excited.

Back on Route 101, there was this house next to the Broken Heart lady. It's the Trick Master's house, but the sad Abandoned Ship music (a song that I've loved ever since I heard it, by the way

) is playing instead. I don't like the look of this.

But let's not worry about that. Let's get yelled at by Cutlerine as we try to leave.

Booming Disembodied Voice: "The time is not yet right, Jack. Leave this place at once!"

: "Er... okay."

Alrighty then. Well, that's pretty much the end of this little mini-update. I'm not going to put up the team display because none of these bonus episodes are canon.

Chapter 5 - The Dragon King
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Since I felt the team was a bit unsuited to what was coming up ahead, I did a grinding session before the update started. Everybody's just a bit more badass than they were before.

There's also nothing up in the area where you fought Laura, by the way. It's blocked off by rocks. Rockblocked, you may say.

... yeah i'll stop

Go back here and you get a Caramac. Cutlerine changed every stat-boosting item to a kind of confectionery treat. I like the idea even if it means we'll wind up with cavities by the end of this.

In the forest you can get a Great Ball and a few X-boosting battle items. It's not really that much of a prize, but what the hell let's just go with it.

Back to our regularly scheduled program, we were surfing to go to Dewford. In the water here you can find Qwilfish, Wingull and Pelipper. Pelipper in particular give a ton of EXP (390+!) so they're practically invaluable if you're going to grind in the water areas.

Also, new team member. Say hello to Ballin', who was also inspired by Haydunn's Nuzlocke of Snakewood. Ballin, much like Zagon, gets a buff in this hack as opposed to the real games. Just wait and see until what it is.

This swimmer lady here has a Sealeo of all things. Not too terribly threatening. Plus I like how because of the water there are no zombies to bother anybody.

: ("Of all the rotten luck!")

... YOU'RE SERIOUS.

FREEZE HAX

Let us never speak of this again. This swimmer lady asks you "Why did I fight you, again?" when you beat her, which is the question that everybody in the Pokemon games should ask.

"I'm swimming to Dewford for safety, but I guess I can stop and have a battle. I mean, there's no zombies after us, after all!"

She has two Wailmer, by the way. They're less of a threat and more giant experience pinatas. One of them doesn't even attack, either!

"What am I supposed to do now that you've KO'ed my Pokemon?"

: "Then maybe you shouldn't have fought me if you knew that would have been a problem?"

"So I decided to become a pirate instead!"

But all you have to do is hose 'em with seawater and they die. The zombies are not that hard to kill, dude. Also, hey a new trainer class.

... Which just uses Drake's sprite. At least it fits.

Would you look at that. See, another change that Cutlerine included is that while he didn't exactly tinker regarding the zombified Pokemon aside from sprites, he did switch types around for the more conventional Pokemon. For example, Meowth and Persian are now

/

. I dunno, that's kinda cool to me.

(He also predicted the future because Alolan Meowth/Persian would be Dark type.)

But even better is that Benedict actually killed something on his (its? It's an egg - we don't know what it actually is yet) own! The first thing they beat and it's a

/

Meowth. I would have never guessed, to be totally honest.

Pain in the ass alert

Persian here is awfully strong due to the STAB-boosted Crunch he has. Also, the tendency he has to critical with Slash is not favorable. Thankfully if you chose Paras or just... any Bug Pokemon in general, this shouldn't be that bad to deal with.

This isn't just some random unique trainer class reserved for one guy, either. These guys show up multiple times in the next town we're going. And that you are, mate.

"Haha! Don't worry, we can't be attacked here. Since we're safe, how about a battle like trainers used to have?"

... You know, maybe it's just because I'm a sap but that line kinda hit me. Like remember, no matter how crazy this story gets with all the irrelevant stuff Cutlerine puts into it, it is still taking place in a destroyed Hoenn region. Which kinda tugs at my heartstrings.

That aside, this dude had a Carvanha that Benedict managed to overpower.

I know last episode I said I was going to bench them, but now more than ever I know that's a bad idea.

... We get another Broken Heart. Alright, these things must be like the Heart Scales of this hack. It doesn't make any sense why you can't sell them or use them normally otherwise.

Now that we're actually on Dewford, we find a Riesen aka. a Protein.

Zagon gets it because she's going to need it.

Let's go ask around to see if there's anything of interest.

"The TV Station is no longer broadcasting... I guess all the people got eaten."

Yeah, when you think about it from Dewford's perspective, the entire Hoenn region is falling apart. I would be absolutely horrified for anybody that still lived on the mainland, honestly.

"This Plus Band... It was a gift from my girlfriend, Laura. She worked at Norman's gym... She's probably dead now. I don't want it anymore..."

Oh...

: "Don't worry pal, she's still alive and kicking. She almost kicked my ass, to be frank. She can handle herself."

It will look absolutely fabulous on Zagon at the very least. Especially when she rouges it with the blood of her enemies.

"There're rumors that when Groudon awoke three years ago that the sunlight it summoned stayed in Granite Cave, and that's why you don't need Flash in there anymore."

THANK THE LORD. This is honestly a cool bit of exposition, though.

"Those who have surfed or swam over here have told us terrible stories about the mainland."

See what I mean? Let's go to Dewford Hall.

"I hear there's a monster in Solar Caverns. At least, when anyone goes near, we think we hear something roaring."

I'll keep that in mind when we get shooed away from entering the cave early.

: "The zombies are utter nightmares, man! You'd be lucky to make it out of a battle. Just trust me."

"Oh. It's just a startingly ugly painting."

I know it's just a few pixels, but it doesn't look that bad.

"I'm still watching TV, even though the TV Station's no longer broadcasting... Sigh. I don't even like watching TV."
I can relate, as I don't like watching TV either. It's sort of why I stick to Youtube for entertainment nowadays, to be honest.

"No, no, no! These are trainers who've escaped the zombie plague. They're too traumatized and tired to talk with you... Damn, I'm thirsty."

Bruh, I don't even want to talk with the trainers. I just want to get the item you have in there. I think you have to give him a lemonade or something to let you pass. I dunno.

"I saw it! A huge monster flying overhead! Why does no one believe me?"

Given how everybody's making a fuss about a monster in the cave, why wouldn't they believe this kid? Logic.

Let's try to go into the Solar Cave, actually.

[Venusaur cry]

: "Whatever's in there, I don't want to enter."

Admittedly, if I heard something like that in real life, I'd be a bit disinclined to enter too, but we could probably kick its ass. I am absolutely fearless/reckless.

"I train with my Makuhita on the beach every day in the hope of emulating its unstoppable Arm Thrust!"

Arm Thrust? Well, different strokes for different folks...

Your name is Smash Shot?!


Why would your parents name you th-- then again, the default name for our main hero had a lovely range between Wraith, Shade, Dark, etc. I don't know why Norman would choose those names for his oldest son, so... Jack is best.

Smash here has two Makuhita, which were relatively easy to take out. So much for unstoppable Arm Thrust.

However, he does have this badass. Hitmontop has always been one of those Pokemon that have been a mystery to me. It's one that I could never be able to obtain in the real games because the qualification of having both Attack and Defense be equal is one that I don't know how you would do.

Even without Triple Kick and all of that being effective, look at how much damage it did to Bellamine. Just imagine the pain everybody else would have gone through!

Wait, what?

AWWW DAMN

This is a sign of good things to come.

"That's my son out training on the beach. Did you know that before he tried Arm Thrust, he learned how to do Ice Punch? No? Well, he made it into a TM. I want you to have it!"

awwwww snap

What a generous town. I love these people.

"The Leader here used to be a guy called Brawly. He used the Fighting type. But since he got promoted to the Kahuto Elite Four, we've got a new girl. She's way stronger than Brawly was."

He got promoted to the Elite Four of another region? That's rad, I suppose. At least he didn't die or something.

Into the Gym and oh no

it's dark

this is gonna blow

"I'm the Advisor. I'm no Trainer, no not me, but I can sure give you winning advice! So listen: Haruko uses the Dark-type. It's a fragile type that won't take a Fighting type move, but can deal out massive damage with their rapacious talons and big teeth."

Well, this is actually a bit interesting. Cutlerine changed the Fighting type gym to be Dark type instead. As for the leader... Haruko? Where have I heard that name before? It sure hasn't been in an anime, no sir.

First trainer we fight in the dark is Rocker Tyrone. It's a Dark-type gym, so just what can he throw at us?

Sh-Shinx??

That's right, folks. Aside from putting in new Fakemon, Cutlerine also included Pokemon from later generations. It may not be a new idea, but I like that it mixes things up.

Have I mentioned how cute Shinx are?

But uh-oh, this guy has a Luxio too. To be honest it's not that hard of a fight as the Luxray family is

/

type now.

ESPECIALLY as Reggie's Leech Life rips this guy's health out like a mint-colored milkshake.

Wow, another one already? That grinding really paid off.

she's beautiful

These guys are also in the gym. Film Students are a trainer class that reference something later in the game, mostly around Fortree. The pirate guys carry around Persians and Meowths as usual.

The thing is, though? Now that Zagon is a Linoone with the Plus Band equipped, everything she headbutts just dies. Like one-hit kills. And this isn't even her final form!

pirate power. what is this, one piece

We finally reach Haruko, though. I swear that name is from somewhere really iconic. I know it is.

Future Dan speaks: Give him a minute.

"Ah! You must be Jack. My trainers have been warning me you're strong. Unfortunately I can't battle you just yet. I need you to do a favor for me. You see, there have been rumors lately that there's something nasty at the bottom of Solar Caverns, and I'd like you to investigate. When you come back, I'll fight you. Is that ok?"

So Haruko won't fight Jack just because of the monster in the cave. At the very least it's not some super huge chain deal quest just to have a fight with the gym leader.

Jack, your optimism is contagious.

Cut to the cave, and suddenly we're going in now. Good thing we don't need Flash to navigate this place. Flash is a dumb idea in the actual game anyway. Why would you need to use your own Flash if there's other people in the cave with you?

"Whew... I barely made it out of there alive. There's something down there, kid. Something real nasty. I don't even wanna think about it."

Well ****. We're already in here, let's keep going. The plot demands it.

Literally a few steps later and I run into a Makuhita. I named him Tohru after the Jackie Chan Adventures guy. I like that show, actually, even if it's a bit formulaic.

[Rayquaza roar]

Oh no. I don't like the sound of that, especially as we don't have any good Ice or Dragon types.

A minute didn't even pass yet. We know something's there, dude.

The **** is that thing?

This is one of the new Fakemon Cutlerine made from scratch. Honestly, I don't like it. It's a boring design and it's not that good a Pokemon, either. Despite that, expect to see Hombone in practically every route after this.

You have this big stone pedestal for an item ball... and it's just a Pokeball. What a troll.

[White flash]

???: "GRAAAAAAAOOOOOGH! Our contract is terminated!"

Apparently, Jack has memories of interacting with something other than the dead and the Horsemen. Also, I know it's not the same as the screencap, but trust me. The person(?) talking needs a different color than Landon.

The next room over, we have an item blocked off with Rock Smash rocks. A shame we don't actually have it now.

[Another Rayquaza roar]

[Very quick image of what looks like a discolored Charizard pops up]

I don't know either, Jack. It popped up so fast I couldn't even take a screencap of it.

The rock contains a Neverstone (ho ho) which is pretty much just the Everstone but with never instead.

Before we head any further, let's do something first.

In hindsight, this makes a lot of sense considering how he was frozen earlier. It is his destiny.

[Flash of light accompanied by Rayquaza roar (x2) and discolored picture again]

: "Uhh... What is this? What is this thing I'm remembering? And what is this contract?.... I guess the only way to find out is to continue."

Jack, we have to do this anyway otherwise we don't get to fight Haruko.

[Jack runs in and looks around]

: "That's odd. There doesn't seem to be anyone here..."

[Yet more Rayquaza roars, accompanied by a flash of light]

: "Huh? What... what is this?"

Since there's no special music playing for this encounter, use this theme instead.

: "Our contract is terminated, human! We have joined the Horsemen now.

[White flash]

: "I... I remember you now. You're Meteor... the Dragon King."

That sounds pretty badass, actually. The sprite may look kind of barfy now, but sometimes it can become this eye-bleeding rainbow-colored mess due to glitches. I was fortunate to get the actual colors for this screenshot.

: "Yes, I am Meteor. I thought Pestilence had arranged for your death?"

Jack, you need to be this badass all of the time.

: "I suppose I will have to finish the job that she could not complete."

Bring it on, you overgrown lizard.

: "Do you really have to preface every sentence with a roar? It's really startling... and getting kind of annoying."

[Rayquaza roar SFX plays again]

: "Silence! I will eradicate you!"

Meteor looks pretty great... even if his sprite is just shiny Charizard. Also, since he doesn't have a specific music track, just use this song instead.

He sends out what I assume must be the jester of his court of dragons due to looking far less impressive.


Don't let your guard down, though - this guy hurts quite a bit, especially if you didn't train up. Meteor also has an emergency Super Potion if you manage to get his lackey into the red.

Zagon got roasted by this guy's Dragonbreath, so it's up to Ambes to save the day. By the way, this is before the Super Potion gets used.

: ("I've got to do this! Can't be scared now!")

: ("ORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!!")

: ("... I did it!? No way!")

Funny thing, in practice, Ambes actually lost and Bellamine had to do the finishing blow. But then Ice Punch wouldn't have been shown. And that's not as rad.

: ("Thank goodness. We actually beat this guy.")

With that, Meteor goes down.

: "GYAAUOOOOOOOH! We will meet again, mark my words. I may not be able to destroy this town right now, but I'll be back soon enough!"

[Flash of light, followed by Meteor disappearing with another roar]

"What power is it that I lost? Argh, it's so confusing!.... I'd better tell Haruko about this.'

... I feel you, buddy. Besides, you and the guys are pretty damn strong as it is. The team has flown above and beyond in this episode alone.

On your way out, you can get Sunny Day. Appropriate, I guess, considering it's called the Solar Caverns and all.

Next time on Pokemon Snakewood, we fight the Gym Leader. And boy is it going to be an experience.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Team setup:

(Reggie, level 19, has Leftovers,

/

) - Feeling pretty rad under the sun

(Bellamine, level 22,

) - Having a nice walk on the beach with the crew

(Zagon, level 23,

) - Ecstatic about evolving - currently glomping Jack out of pure joy

(Ambes, level 23,

) - Feeling like a badass after punching a Dragon's face in

(Ace, level 22, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - Wearing his shades and downing a giant bottle of beer

(Benedict, level 15,

/

) - Doing egg things on the beach.

(Alice, level 12,

) - Happy to be out of the box and on the beach with the others

(Tohru, Pumbloom & Ballin are all on standby)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

A fair amount of the new updates from now on will be bulk uploads. Spoiler tags are incredibly useful for this.

Chapter 6 - Seaside Trouble
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

We are NOT messing around this update, folks.

Let's get this party started.

: "Yeah. There was a group of dragons there. Apparently they came with the zombies."

Haruko: "I knew it! I'll have to get the old anti-air gun working again. Anyway, thanks. Now, show me your true power!"

Awwwwww yeah.

**** the gym leader theme. This is where it's at.

It's Haruko from FLCL. And while her sprite looks a bit... sketchy, it's fine. That aside, Haruko is probably the toughest opponent you'll probably face so far and by god is the fight cool except for one last Mon. It's the longest fight so far standing at 20 screenshots.

She sends out a few fodder Mon, but don't be fooled by that Sneasel. It can Ice Punch you something fierce.

MEGA RUDE CRUDE DUDES ALERT

Absol and Luxray are the most dangerous Pokemon you'll probably have to face yet. Swords Dance Absol and the already pretty damn strong Luxray absolutely ripped apart the team in practice, which is why I had to evolve Reggie. Haruko also abuses the hell out of her Super Potion stock, so if you get these guys down to red, chances are very high that she'll just bring them back up to green.

She's smart, I'll give her that.

Oh NO. See, this was already after Absol used Swords Dance twice. It was strong enough to rip apart the entire team at its current strength and I wasn't sure if Haruko was going to use another Super Potion. So I just went with my gut.

Ace is the king of cool.

As for Reggie... you see this picture? Reggie has Leftovers, Leech Life and has poisoned the Luxray already. While not straight out brute force, Reggie essentially deadlocked Haruko's Luxray into a losing battle no matter how many Super Potions or Bulk Ups she uses.

I knew he would get a chance to shine.

The hell is a Kingma--

Say hello to another new Fakemon, folks. Kingmadio is a series of Madio-type Pokemon that do... things. I don't even know what to say about them other than "what the ****" because they're so odd.

This is its only attack, by the way. Even without Leftovers, Night Shade from this dude won't even leave a scratch. By the way, you're going to have to poison him. For you see, Kingmadio is a

/

type.

A

/

type with Wonder Guard. Which essentially means Kingmadio is immune to everything but status moves and Struggle.

CUTLERINE YOU SON OF A WHORE

At the very least you can wait for his Night Shade to run out or just poison him if you can... but really? You're going to do this? It's such a pacebreaker to what is otherwise a cool fight. It's a required fight too, so why would you just dump this ugly, nigh-invincible thing onto the player?

A millenium later, Kingmadio finally drops due to poison.

She gives us the badge, along with TM08 (aka. Bulk Up). She says she got the TM from Brawly, which is cool and all but I doubt we'll use it.

She doesn't really say much after that, but that's fine. Let's go back outside.

... Only to immediately get called by Birch.

: "Oops. Forgot to ask someone. But I did kill two dragons."

Wasn't the reason we came here to look for Landon and May? Also, no, you killed(?) one. And that was because Ambes Star Platinum'ed it to death with Ice Punch.

: "That's beside the point! Stop wasting time slaying monsters and find my daughter and your brother!"

: "Okay, okay. I'll ask around. Someone here should know something."

: "See to it that you do."

And then he hangs up. The good professor is getting a bit testy.

"Hey, have you seen my brother by any chance? He's the Pokemon League Champion. I'm looking for him."

Kid: "Oh yeah! He surfed over here a couple weeks ago now with May. Said he'd found something amazing up in the desert, and he was going back for it."

: "Thanks, brah."

[Jack is calling Birch]

: "Hello?"

: "I've got a clue of where they're going."

: "Huh? What is it?"

: "Where's the desert?"

: "Surf east, then north to Slateport. Then go north to Mauville. The desert is just up north of there."

: "Thanks." [Hangs up]

Jack, please.

Anyway, now we have to go to Slateport and beyond.

Before we go, I should take note of this dark patch of divable water. It's probably going to contain some superbonus stuff later on, so remind me if I forget.

We are immediately greeted with a swimmer guy upon entering Route 107. Although you can just surf past him, I'm going to fight him anyway. In fact, a lot of the fights here are things you have just already seen.

Tabby: "The incredible -
Simon: "Psychic-"
Tabby: "Swimming siblings!"

What.

My thoughts exactly, Jack.

There's this lady blocked off on an island. She must be very important if she gets isolated like this.

"I came here from the Johto region, but got trapped by the zombies. I have to train up if I'm going to swim home!"

It's a nice touch that she has Johto Pokemon, actually. I like that. But unfortunately no training for you.

Oooh, a destroyed ship. Let's go inside.

"But no seriously, you should leave."

... Wh... what? Isn't that the same line of dialogue from the beginning of the game? Weird. Anyway, we can't go inside.

Go over here, and you can find a... RageCandyBar?? It essentially serves as the Rare Candy of this hack, but... wow. Let's not use it just yet.

"I was a sailor on that ship what the zombies got... so I became a pirate!"

Wait just a second.


The ZOMBIES got the ship? You've already established that there are things other than zombies that can destroy things, and zombies are weak to water. So why would you... bah. Never mind. Let's fight.

Hayseus. He has like three Meowths, by the way. Nothing too special.

Okay, Jesus.

Let's have a chat with this fine fellow.

Gentleman: "Ah, a young one!"

[Initiates a battle]

He has a Growlithe, a Shinx, a Ponyta and a Raticate. Nothing too hard.

: "... But you were the one... who attacked me... Why is everybody acting so unnecessarily hostile and acting like I'm the bad guy when I beat them up in self-defense?"

By the way, medical bag. Just in case you needed a tune up. You can also find a Caramac if you go to the right.

MY LOVE IS GREATER THAN YOURS.

Now that we're actually on shore, we get jumped by this asshole.

Benedict gets another kill by themselves. They're growing up so fast.

I skipped the fight because it wasn't anything special, but this guy had a Linoone. Not fun.

And what could possibly be in the Seashore House? We already fought zombies, dragons, demons and one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Huh. There doesn't seem to be anything in here. What's the problem?

"This child has been turned inside out, stuffed with salt, and then turned back out again. He is very well preserved."

Wha... what? How would that work? Since it mentioned salt, it couldn't have been a zombie that did it. Also, ewwwwww?

You get a Fire Stone for your troubles, though.

THE HELL?

Whoa, what? Look at this dude. He's like some deranged chef monster man. Meet the Former Chef class, everybody. They will be our enemies for Slateport and onward. And there's going to be a lot of them.

Whoa, level thirty. Munchlax here goes down without much of a fight, however. Thank you, Zagon.

Christ, do they have to shriek like banshees all of the time? I can only imagine if you heard this in real life, it would void some bowels.

[Former Chef runs offscreen at a speed I've never seen anybody go]

This is almost word-for-word what I thought when I first fought that guy.

"Wait a minute. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse... that's Pestilence, Famine, War and Death. The only person that could have made a chef into that starved monster... would be Famine. This must be his dominion. I'd better tread carefully from here on out."

Ooooh. I like how the story is showing that each Horseman has a different kind of monster they control, to be honest. I mean, in the grand scheme of things this is probably distracting from the zombies, but I like rising threats in practically everything.

Before we go any further, let's go get a ton of soda.

Immediately upon stepping into Slateport, we get attacked by two Former Chefs. Both of them with Munchlaxes and...

Kirlia??

Why them of all Pokemon? Why not Gulpin or... another big eater type of Pokemon? But that aside, this is technically the first time you see the Gardevoir family.

That was one Leech Life. Reggie is hilariously powerful as a Parasect.

Moving on, we--

[Former Chef appears from the corpse of the girl]

Grody.

Aside from his entrance, this Chef is pretty much the same as the others.

How very Looney-Tunes-like. Also,

.

"This crate looks like it'd fall apart if bashed hard with a metal object such as an Arclight Spanner or something."

Very nice to know exactly what it is we need to break this thing.

Inside of the boat house, there's some holes on the right. There's nothing upstairs, by the way, so don't bother checking.

Sure, why the hell not.

Whoa. Where did we just wind up? It has the Abandoned Ship theme (

) playing, which is appropriate I guess, considering this place looks like it's in complete disrepair.

Gateau are the items that the Former Chefs tend to use when their Pokemon are at the red. Essentially they're Hyper Potions but with a fancy name.

Whoa, that's a funky overworld sprite. Let's go talk to that fellow.

: "Then... why are you directly confronting me?"

He has two Hombone. I... don't even know what to say. Other than that in practice, Rock Blast from this thing killed Bellamine. Which was absolutely embarassing.

Zagon kills the first one with Surf (as Hombone are

/

) while the second one uses -

Bide. No, really. Do you know what I could do in the meantime while waiting for you to use up Bide?

Bella stacks up like two Calm Minds while this dude is Biding, with absolutely wonderful results.

Like so. It's just a giant pile of dirt with a claw now. There is no coming back from that.

: ".... Yeah, sure, whatever buddy."

I don't understand how this guy does things. He wants to hide, but jumps out yelling "don't tell anybody I'm here". Like, come on.

Oh? If you guys read through Chapter 3.5 (Gameshark Fun), you'll recognize this room as a part we weren't meant to be at yet. Now we're here for real and that green-haired guy is going to talk to us.

???: "Why, you're in the SS Cangrejo, a submarine built by Mister Michaelangelo of Blue Sky Port in the Visbu region. I'm Usher, his second in command."

Cangrejo is the spanish word for crab, by the way.

Usher mentions that the submarine is busted and Mister Michelangelo doesn't want to pay repairs. Usher and his crew came to Hoenn to explore the underwater depths, but the submarine got stuck in the rocks.

: "Well, can't you fix the engine?"

Usher: "Well, our engineer could indeed fix it. But our engine room is flooded and full of nasty wild Pokemon... if you could clear them out, and also clear out the sea devils that came out of the ocean, then we can fix our engine and go."

I'm surprised out of everything Jack has seen at this point, he's scared of sea devils.

Usher: "Nope. Just jump down into that hole. That'll take you down to the lower levels."

This man.

[Jack walks to the hole in front of him and falls down a floor]

Well damn. Now we're in a brand new dungeon! But I'm afraid that's the end of this episode. See you next time on Snakewood for the ADVENTURES OF THE SS CANGREJO.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie, level 25, has Leftovers,

/

) - Tripping out on congratulatory spores

(Bellamine, level 22,

) - Itching to evolve after seeing the others do it (don't worry honey you only have like eight levels left)

(Zagon, level 25, has Plus Band,

) - Staying close to Jack in this new weird submarine place

(Ambes, level 24,

) - Pondering about life before all of this zombie/demon/dragon/horseman apocalypse business.

(Ace, level 25, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - Trying to wrap his head around new battle techniques

(Benedict, level 16,

/

) - Doing egg things in the submarine.

(Alice, level 12,

) - Disappointed that she had to go back into the box

(Tohru, Pumbloom & Ballin are all on standby)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 7 - Nobody Expects the Hoenn Inquisition
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

If this submarine has holes and it's underwater, then how the hell is it not overflowing and sink--

Oh, hey, a new part.

Go down a bit and you'll see these crates. Remember the name Angel Laboratories because I think it might be important later on. I think, anyway.

"This elevator is clearly broken. It's not possible to go any further."

Remember this too, because I know for sure it will become important later.

That's a very noticable tiling error.

"An organ of some kind floats within, connected to the base with wires."

Ugh, nasty. This also gives me flashbacks to that creepy room in the Galactic headquarters where they kept the Lake Trio.

Go down here and I recommend you get into a fight.

For you see, there's Magnemite in the water. Believe it or not, you will need Magnemite later on for something in this submarine.

I should also mention that you can get Magnezone in this hack if you give Magneton a Thunder Stone, which is something that I honestly wish they did in the real games. It would only make sense.

Anyway, say hello to Letro.

Go to the right and you'll find this computer room that has practically everything you could need at the moment. A PC for switching, a bed, the works. I would stay here to wade out the horseman apocalypse if this place wasn't so dinged up, to be honest.

There's also this doohickey. For 600 Pokedollars, this thing pops out regular Pokeballs for you. Given how this is the only place you can get some at the moment, I like that Cutlerine did this.

I also found a Luvdisc and called him Love. Because... I felt like it. This is also the last we'll ever see of him.

Also, go down south a bit and you'll find this medical kit in case those Pokemon on the water kicked your ass.

Dive Balls just in case you needed them too.

The drawer Jack is standing in front of contains the Arclight Spanner but I didn't screenshot actually getting it. Whoops.

Go to the left and you'll see this giant machine thing. It's very particular about where you try to fix it.

Alright, cool. I guess the Magnemite event isn't quite this part yet.

"Oh! Thanks for fixing the engine! I came down here to look for the Engineer, but I couldn't find him. I haven't seen anybody about lately."

: "Uh, yeah..."

What would even try to get us down here? The sea devils? If Luvdisc counts as a sea devil then

Aw sweet. Usher's not that bad a guy after all.

[Fade to black followed by teleportation SFX]

"Sorry, the teleport is a little jumpy. I'll see you around sometime!"

[The submarine moves away]

... Alright, whatever I'm just rolling with it.

We're on Route 110 and the first thing we see is a FREE PORYGON2 LET'S SNATCH IT

[Celebi cry]

"This Porygon is clearly lost. Better leave it here, as it probably belongs to someone in Slateport."

Someone who's probably dead, you dingus! Do I have to steal it away for you, Jack?!?

Feh. Let's go into the grass.

(* Disclaimer: Pichu do not appear in the wild at all, this is purely gamesharked for the sake of additional plot *)

WHOA, HELLO.

[My personal song choice for this scene: Reunion]

: ("Hey! Is that...!")

: ("W-wait... It can't be! Shine?! Spark?! Is that really you? Jack, hold on!")

: "Huh? Well... alright."

: ("Thank goodness, it IS you! Thank the lord you're safe!")

: [Both tackle hug Ambes]

: "I assume they're your siblings?"

: ("Yeah, Jack. I'm curious as to how they even... survived as far as they did, but...")

: ("I don't care as long as they're safe!")

: "Awwwww. Well, to be honest dude, this is no place to have a little family reunion. Let's wait until we get to safety."

: ("Yeah, you're right. Come on, you two.")

[The two Pichus hitch a ride on Jack's shoulders.]

[Current audio in-game: A version of the Team Rocket encounter theme]

As Jack and crew try to advance forward, they are stopped by an offscreen military march. As for the remix of the Team Rocket theme from Gold/Silver, I kinda like it.

"What was that? Sounded like a military band. But that theme song was decidedly evil... Perhaps I ought to investigate?"

Yes, Jack, let's follow the evil music. That can't possibly end badly.

They replaced the Trick Master house with a Pokecenter. That's probably the most useful thing in this hack so far.

"This Pokecenter was only just built when the chefs and zombies arrived here. I hate to think what I would've done without it."

You and me both. Cause god damn it, even with Zagon's beautiful head smashing, we get hurt way too often.

"I wish I could go home... I want to see if my parents are still alive..."

I can really get behind this sentiment. But given the situation, Jack is probably the only person that can really survive the outright horse-**** shenanigans outside.

Letro, you're cool and all, but we already have a perfectly good electric type. Benedict needs all the screentime he/she/it deserves.

[My choice of music for this scene: Going My Way]

: ("I've said it once and I'll say it again. Thank goodness you two are safe!")

: ("But what I don't understand is how exactly did you get here from Petalburg Woods? Even we had a pretty hard time trying to get here, and I'm confident we're one of the most capable teams that are still... alive.")

: ("It wasn't that hard. Well... actually, it kind of was. We just had to run away from every zombie, chef and demon we saw with Big Sis's help!")

: ("Yeah! It was pretty scary seeing so much blood and guts everywhere. But we stuck to our guns!")

: ("Big bro, do you mind if we tag along with you? We... don't know what happened to Big Sis since we split up and you're our best bet.")

: ("Wh-what? You lost Ivory?! Not only that, if it was tough for her, you do realize I probably won't stand a chance. Sure, I had to punch out a dragon with my bare fists--")

: ("COOL!")

: ("That's awesome, Ambes! You actually did that?")

: ("Well, yeah I did. It was pretty bada--")

: ("Hey, don't try to distract me! You two aren't coming and that's final!")

: ("Aw come on! You're the raddest big brother ever! We just have to come with you and Jack!")

: ("Ugh... I swear you two are more trouble than you're worth. Jack, what should we do?")

: "How about we put them in the box so they don't get hurt?"

: ("Hmm... Given the increasing amount of danger outside...")

: ("Alright, you can come. But you have to promise to stay inside of the box, kay?")

: ("Okay!")

[They both hug Ambes]

: "Alright, we all cool? Cool. Let's go investigate Slateport."

With that little (added purely of my own accord) exchange out of the way, we make it to Slateport and goddamn is the place a mess. Every house is completely deserted, including the Pokemart. The Contest Hall is gone too, but I don't think anybody was that broken up about it.

Go over to the Pokemon Fan Club and you can get a Kilin Horn, which is pretty much just Snakewood's equivalent to the Soothe Bell.

Kilin, otherwise known as Qilin, is a figure in Chinese Mythology that's recognized as a good omen. It appears as a hooved chimera-like creature with fire covering its body. Aka. badass.

Go over to the open market area, and it turns out this is where everybody in Slateport retreated to.

"The survivors are clustered here, in the market, because these monster chefs can't stand food. The smell of our supplies keep them at bay."

Okay, this is a genuinely cool idea. Because the Former Chefs stand as minions of Famine, they can't stand food. They're anti-chefs. This weakness also doesn't completely cripple them like the zombies because unlike water and salt, food eventually goes away.

Not only that, the chefs are nightmarishly fast and strong...

"This uniform? It's the Hoenn Internal Affairs Army uniform. I'm a soldier you see."

If Hoenn had an army and the zombies are weak to water, why couldn't they just shoot saltwater at the zombies fire-hose style and bottleneck them that way?

Oh right yeah this is Snakewood, don't think too hard about it.

"N-no, I'm not stealing the supplies!"

This guy is probably going to get everybody killed. Karma works in mysterious ways, dude.

"I need a powerful Pokemon so I can get out of this city. If you have a Faceleech, would you like to trade? I can give you a Munchlax in exchange. After all, it's useless..."

I would if I could, but I just can't. Also, Faceleech?

Oh, this is where the Name Rater wound up. Cool. I'll probably need him in the future for some re-naming.

side talk: I don't understand why you can't just freely nickname your Pokemon. Why does a crusty old guy have to decide it for y... never mind.

The Energy Guru here will sell you Snakewood's version of the EV increasing nutrients. Only they're all candy. I would do this, but a competitive team in a hacked game is rather unfeasible.

Here's a chef, but he has the usual. When you beat a Chef that's not critical to the story, they just run away.

This guy's in trouble, though. Let's save him before he gets munched!

More zombie twins. Ugggggh.

They have Charmeworm and Shrivelsaur like would expect. However, the only reason I'm showing this fight off is because they have a "brand new" zombie Pokemon up their sleeve.

Oh and this too, because that's horse****.

Ohhhhh dear god.

Our favorite deformed Jynx and... Electabugs. The puns don't stop getting any dumber. But don't let his name fool you - Electabugs is a bonafide badass. His Thunder Punch is the equivalent of getting your face smashed in with Thor's Hammer. Believe me, it's not pretty.

Thankfully, this attempt around, the team managed to take them out relatively painlessly.

This man thanks you for saving his life, but he doesn't give you anything in return.

: "It was nothing, dude. Everybody gets one."

This is what's over here, by the way. It leads back to Oldale... and honestly, I'm not quite in the mood for backtracking.

Back on Route 110, we get jumped by a survivor.

R-Rockit!? His name is really Rockit. Poor bastard.

Name aside, he didn't have much to offer in terms of a fight. But apparently he came across the evil military crew too.

In the grass ahead, I caught Krusha and Cherry. Because trust me, they will prove incredibly useful later on.

Plus I like Bellossom.

Future Dan: Wow, this has to be the most wrong I've ever been considering they're one of the few Pokemon I have that don't even make it to the end of their own respective game. It's not that big of a spoiler, to be honest.

Wait what? The guys with the funny hair are the Inquisition?!

These Inquisition Footmen have the Magma/Aqua Boss theme playing like they're SERIOUS BUSINESS, too.

Sadly though, he only has a Hombone and two Nosepasses. Which is almost alarmingly inappropriate for a theme as BADASS as the Magma/Aqua leader theme.

These Inquisition guys all look like purple-haired Lances to me.

"Oh... What should I do? I ought to tell the boss I failed, but I don't want to face her wrath... I guess I better just stay here."

You know, given your Pokemon set-up, that's actually a very smart idea.

Huh? Look to the left. It's that Charizard again... who is also blocked off by a Rock Smash rock. We get rockblocked at almost every turn, have you noticed?

Keep these coming.

But I was the one who talked to you. I would have slipped by if it wasn't for the fact you had a new Pokemon.

It's Lunatone. Not that it's hard or anything, but I should mention that these things legitimately creep me out. The evil red eyes and the eerie droning cry they make have haunted me ever since I first saw them in vanilla Sapphire.

Was he stopping us just so we don't get hurt? I appreciate the thought, guy, but--

Oh god damn it.

Nanab berries? Well, sure, but I don't imagine Pokeblocks being that useful.

Yeah, okay, whatever.

He has a Graveler of all things. It's not that much harder than a Hombone considering they both have the same type, but what the hell.

This guy should have known that part of the set Linoone can learn is SURF or that there are Water Pokemon everywhere. Although, how a giant raccoon can just spontaneously summon a river's worth of water is beyond me.

Hey, there's one of my favorite songs again! As for Mauville, I like the redesign it got in ORAS a lot more than the original. Although the lack of ease for egg grinding annoyed me quite a bit.

"It's a corpse. Its head has been completely reversed and filled with sand from the ears. There seems to be no reason to this."

I like how even the game is acknowledging that this is getting really dumb. Also, this guy has nothing for you to loot, so move on.

There IS a working Pokemart here, though. Thank the lord too.

"Well, well. I thought you might make it this far, Jack."

: "Oh! Gleis! What are you doing here?"

My exact question.

It better be cool.

[Gleis and Jack walk towards the front of the Pokecenter]

Those weird overworld sprites are Hombone, by the way. Also, the zombies are attacking with Zigzagoon which are not zombie Pokemon in this game.

[Current audio: The Team Rocket theme again]

: "Oh, so you've met them before? They're the Inquistion, part of the Hoenn government. Since the zombies came and the government was eaten, they are more or less in complete control of the region."

: "But it seems like nobody's in control here. Even these guys are fighting for dominance."

[Gleis makes us invisible. A lady accompanied by two zombies come in from above and... clip through three of the NPCs in front of them. Whoops.]

[The grunts put the Hombones back into their Pokeballs]

Guys, why do you have Hombone? There are much better Pokemon you could be using right now.

[Flash of light followed by Rock Smash SFX]

Whoa. She just transitioned them out of existence! That's neat, actually.

???: "You! Minions! Return to base."

[The Inquisition members leave to the left. The zombies head up to the north. The Mauville theme starts playing as normal again.]

: "That was Chloe. She' s a Taoist, just like me, and so she has power over the undead monsters that have recently sprung up. Those two zombies that were following her were her personal slaves."

Honestly, it's cool to see more Taoists than just Gleis.

"Aren't you Taoists a close-knit secret group or something?"

: "Ah. We are indeed supposed to be. But Chloe has seized control of the Inquisition, and they're currently hunting me. They believe me to be responsible for this zombie outbreak, you see."

Holy ****. The story thickens and I'm being honest about how I feel about this.

"But that isn't true! You sealed the rift to Hell - you're helping to end the zombie plague!"

: "Try telling the Inquisition that. They don't believe it. But enough of that. I have a task for you. Go south from here and surf to New Mauville. Dantalion is waiting there to instruct you further."

I'm interested in Snakewood as a story again. The moral ambiguity here is actually really cool. Even if everything is still piled on with a ton of nonsense.

"Have you seen the Pokemon Champion around at all?"

: "I believe you will find further information in New Mauville. Take it from me, it is imperative that you go there."

He sure has a one-track mind, this Gleis. It's blatantly obvious that he's just trying to play us as the patsy...


I still like him as a character, though.

Alright, cool! With that, we end off this episode of Snakewood with high(?) spirits. See you next time for a new update.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie,

, Level 25, has Leftovers,

/

) - Chilling out with the crew in the Pokecenter

(Bellamine,

, Level 24,

) - Having a conversation with Alice about level grinding

(Ambes,

, Level 24,

) - Relieved that he knows his little brother and sister are alive

(Zagon,

, Level 29, has Plus Band,

) - Shaking the blood and dirt from all the battles off of her fur

(Ace,

, Level 26, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - Curious as to where he was this episode

(Benedict, Level 17,

/

) - * Twitch, twitch - crack, pop *

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - Hopes that she gets to be used again

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Surprised that he was even considered as part of a team

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - Wondering when he's going to be used

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - Sleeping soundly

(Letro, level 15,

/

) - Closely observing the team

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - Waiting passionately for the day she becomes a Bellossom or a Vileplume

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Tag! You're it, Spark!"

(Spark,

, level 12,

) -"Aw, no fair! I'll get you this time!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

Murder mystery time!

Chapter 8 - A Traitor Among Our Ranks
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Last time on Snakewood, we were told by Gleis to go to New Mauville. However, let's take a look at this spot right here.

Island of Calm? Sounds kind of suspicious.

[Current audio in-game: Drought Theme]

... The song of this place is a bit creepier than it deserves to be.

[We get booted out of the Island of Calm]

Well, damn. This is plot we're not supposed to be at quite yet. Let's not mess around anymore and just go to New Mauville.

Hey, it's Dantalion. If he hits on Jack again, I'm making them a couple for sure.

: "What exactly is it that Gleis wants me to do?"

Dantalion: "As you can see, the Inquisition is not exactly a positive influence on this region. The population of Mauville have all taken refuge from them, the zombies and the chefs."

I knew that these guys were up to no good with a name like the Inquisition. That, and they have the Rocket theme as their main theme.

: "I see... so?"

"They should be safe here, but they are not. This door is locked at all times and guarded. No one enters and no one exits. And yet... someone has been murdered here."

Oh ****. Murder mystery time!

Dantalion: "Yes, it's true. The Master was passing by and said he would look into it, but he is rather busy trying to undermine the Inquisition at the moment - which is why you're here. You will find the culprit, of course?"

I like how the instant the Inquisition show up, they drop bombshells like this. Cool, cool.

"Of course! Let's go. If it's murder, then there's no time to lose."

Jack is a noble soul.

"This boy here is the one Gleis sent, officer. He's a strong and intelligent trainer, so I'm sure he'll be able to help."

: "Oh, stop."

"I'm a member of the Hoenn Internal Affairs Army, acting as a policeman for the time being. The corpse is in the storage room, kid. Go check it out, and search the place for clues. When you think you know who did it, come tell me. Find evidence it was them, a motive, and prove they had the means to do it and I'll go arrest them."

Jack agrees and now we're a detective. Hot damn.

"It's important you solve this mystery, for the good of the people of Hoenn. So says Gleis. Anyway, I'm off to guard the entrance."

Dantalion is very honorable despite being a demon. Why couldn't the other demons in the Rustboro section of the hack have been as helpful as him?

[Dantalion walks offscreen]

Alright, here we go. Get your best detective music out, folks, cause the New Mauville theme isn't gonna cut it.

But first let's talk to this lady. We're gonna be a major dick and say yes.

"All my friends and family... dead... (Sobs uncontrollably)"

Jack, you heartless bastard.

Also, on a side note, I've discovered what the Broken Heart item actually does. There's 50 of them throughout the game, and you need to collect all 50 of them to meet a special legendary. I take back everything I said before.

However, since I don't want to make ladies cry for no reason, let's tell her the truth.

: "Sorry for lying. I really needed that Broken Heart."

: (".....")

[Bellamine slaps Jack]

: "Ow! I said I was sorry, damn!"

: ("Jack, you know better than that.")

: "Yeah, yeah..."

There's this fellow who contradicted himself by talking. Just felt like bringing him up.

"Wattson has had to give up on his plan to electrify the city, but now we live here, where all the electricity is born. So he's happy!"

Believe it or not, this girl will be useful in a few moments.

"Next question: What's it like to be rich and famous?"

Rocker dude: " What's it like to be famous? I can't really say, Jean, I've only just become famous. But it certainly is nice to be rich now that my song is No.1!"

Rich and famous how? Who is listening to your song in the middle of the zombie apocalypse? Besides, where does the money go except towards ATMs?

Oh ****, a chef! Let's get him!

Oh. Well, I still have my eye on him.

"Heee... I licked Nurse Joy's Healmadio and now I'm soooooo high..."

... I don't even know what to say other than are you ok, buddy

"I don't have my healing machine, but let's see what my Healmadio can do."

[Healing SFX]

: "Thanks, doll."

"Sigh... I was part of a two-man band. But my partner has left to be rich and famous, and I'm just left with my guitar case and a broken spirit..."

You mean the guy in the room over? I'm starting to be more convinced that these guys are just like putting on an act out of desperation or something. It would make sense.

There's also these incredibly suspicious scientists hanging around everywhere. Each one has a different evil laugh, but they all say the same thing regardless.

These two are playing Chess, but the fat man doesn't know how to play. They may not contribute to this investigation, but they're amusing nonetheless.

"... Mind out, though, I think some Voltorb got in with our supplies."

The murder victim is definitely a priority, but let's see those supplies first.

I don't know why you would catch a Voltorb here, but they're here if you want them. There's two of them, by the way.

So much loot.

Snake Oil is Full Heal under a different name, while Teleporter is Escape Rope. Nice haul, all things considered.

: ("No way!")

That's quite a reward.

: ("Hey, Jack... I'm not quite feeling it yet. Let's wait for a good time for me to evolve.")

: "How come?

: ("I feel like there's still more things I have to learn before I can become a Raichu. Just trust me on this.")

: "... I understand, buddy."

Well, hot damn. We can evolve Ambes at any point now!

With that out of the way, let's check on Wilfred to see what exactly happened to the poor guy.

"This corpse is badly scorched... Are we looking for a Fire-type using murderer?"

Fire types, huh? Well, that's one question down... a hundred to go.

"Wahaha! Please aid the officer in his investigations. It's a terrible business..."

Oh hey, Wattson. Good to see you weren't eaten like the other gym leaders.

If they're those scientist guys hanging around the place then yeah, me too.

"The corpse is singed and burned - it looks like a Fire-type attack killed him." Officer: "Okay, that's a start. But it doesn't get us any closer to unravelling the mystery - plenty of Pokemon can learn Fire-type moves by TM or something, and there aren't actually any Fire-type users here. Keep looking."

Hmm. I do like that we're forced to use our brains here to put things together, but this next part is a bit confusing. You have to go talk to the little girl.

"I didn't say to the officer, but you're nice so I'll tell you. I saw the chef going into the storeroom the night that Mr. Wilfred got killed."

She was withholding information? Well, to be honest, she's a kid... so that might have not been easy on her. But let's go talk to that suspicious chef.

"I have a witness who can place you at the scene of the crime on the night of the murder."

Chef: "I needed supplies! I went in to get some honey, it was dark and I didn't even see the corpse, if it was there at all! Honest, I didn't do it!"

: "Do you have any proof?"

: "This is a jar of nutmeg."

Chef: "As I said, it was dark."

: "... I need to talk to the officer."

"He was at the scene of the crime at about the right time, and as a chef would have a Fire-type Pokemon to use as a portable oven. In fact, the Pokeball I saw in his pocket probably contained a Charmeleon."

Officer: "Whoa. That's real trainer knowledge there. Gleis did say you were good... Okay, if you can find a motive, I'm sold. Why not ask Wattson? The chef works for him, after all."

Jack, this is a delicate situation. You'd better not just make up stuff on the fly like that Charmeleon remark because it could have went much uglier. That aside, let's go talk to the man himself.

: "That's right. It's about your chef. We think he may have committed the murder, but we can't see why. Can you help us with that?"

: "Waha! I think so. I don't he's ever liked poor Wilfred, to be perfectly honest."

: "But why now?"

"But I can guess - I've suspected it for some time. He's becoming... a Former Chef."

Oh ****, that's not good.

: "I don't think anybody needs to. I think it may be like a disease."

: "I see... Thank you for your time, Mr. Wattson."

I'm really getting into this whole murder mystery plot.

Yeah, everything points toward him. Let's book this asshole before he becomes a Former Chef.

... What? He wasn't the guy!? We got thrown in for a loop!

If it wasn't the Chef, then who did it?

This time let's say he's not. What will Jack say about it?

[My recommendation for this scene: Bayonetta - Vigrid Town Areas]

"No. It occurred to me when I was talking to Wattson. He uses the Electric type, am I right?"

: "You see it too? We were looking for a Fire-type Pokemon Trainer, but we forgot that powerful Electric attacks scorch as much as fire does."

... This just escalated. Jack is a legitimate detective now.

: "Is it? The chef said he was going in to the storerooms to get honey - but he came away with nutmeg."

Officer: "So?"

: "The extent of the damage done to the corpse couldn't have been done with an ordinary Electric attack."

"It would have to be powered up with a special item, and what do you use to power up Electric attacks?"

A Magnet?

... Or as Snakewood calls it now, Electric Honey. I'm rolling with it.

"Precisely. The chef couldn't get any honey because there wasn't any. Someone had already used it to power up their Electric attacks, and kill Wilfred."

I adore this man more than ever now. Jack is best character.

: "I don't know, but I'm going to find out."

Officer: "Right! You do that."

... Oh my god, this is legitimately good writing. If Cutlerine didn't spend so much time being a troll, this entire game would be so much better as a whole.

Alright... we're all healed up and the team is still strong after beating up those Inquisition Footmen. Let's go bust this asshat.

[Current Audio: The Team Rocket Inquisition Remix theme]

: "Oh, you do, do you? Waha! It doesn't matter! I work with the Inquisition now, and I've been told that you can't be allowed to continue."

: "Then I'll have to defeat you!"

Oh, damn! What could have possibly won Wattson over to the Inquisition? I thought he was a jolly guy? I swear, when this game isn't being dumb, it's actually competent.

"My generator fills my Pokemon with electric energy! It makes them impossible to defeat!"

: "We'll see about that!"

[Current Audio: Magma/Aqua Boss Battle Theme]

If that's not a plot twist then I don't know what is. That, and the Magma/Aqua Boss theme is actually appropriate this time! Sweet.

Let's see what he has.

Oh my god we are so boned

Well, damn. What are we gonna do now? Let's try to do... something!

****! Let's just throw everybody at him!

damn

Go Reggie, you can do it!

oh no

...

[Fading Consciousness starts playing]

Nah, just kidding. That was supposed to happen.

: "Urgh... He was hideously strong. I really need to find a way of weakening his power and turning off that generator."

Good god, that was bad. If it wasn't for Jack running away, Hoenn would have been screwed. Let's go plan out our revenge.

Thank god that's not like some unwinnable fight. That would have been a giant dick move.

"Hehehe... Let's see how Wattson fares without his precious generator powering up his Pokemon."

Jack, you sly devil.

Next time on Pokemon Snakewood, we face Wattson for real. See you in... like a second.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie,

, Level 25, has Leftovers,

/

) - Not sure if he feels dizzy because of the spores or because of that super-Luxray attack

(Bellamine,

, Level 24,

) - Reeling at that last attack

(Ambes,

, Level 24,

) - [Unconscious]

(Zagon,

, Level 29, has Plus Band,

) - Wants to bust some heads open after what just happened

(Ace,

, Level 26, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - Feels the same way as Zagon

(Benedict, Level 17,

/

) - "...?! What did Benedict do!?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - Worried about Jack and the others after that last scuffle

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Playing the Card Game with Cherry

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - Relieved that he was not brought along

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - Scared for Jack and crew

(Letro, level 15,

/

) - Holding off the scientists from reactivating the generator

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - Playing the Card Game with Krusha

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Oh jeez! Wake up, bro!"

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "Come on, Ambes! You'll be alright!" [Dumps cold water on him]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 9 - Tomorrow is Mine
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Let's pay Wattson back for the hax.

"You still can't beat me, don't you get it?"

: "We'll see now that your generator is off."

: "My generator... off? Whatever! Wahaha! I'm still a Gym Leader! I can still win! Wahahaha!"

... Right, yeah, like that certainly means something now that the region's collapsed into chaos.

hahahaahahahahaha

This is going to be cathartic.

GET DESTROYED YOU CHEATING SCRUB

Wattson also has a Lanturn, but it can't stand up against a Calm Mind-boosted Confusion.

Fun note: This dude used Bubble of all things to stop Bellamine's psychic fury. Very, very sad.

wh-wh-what

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A legendary this early in the game

why cutlerine why

He also knows a move to drag out your other Pokemon, so good god keep an eye on him.

... Uh? Why exactly was I freaking out? Look at how easily we trounced him. As long as you have something that resists Electric, Raikou shouldn't be that scary even if it is a legendary.

: ("Bring it on, buddy!")

: [Yelling at the top of his lungs]

: ("... *gasp*, * gasp*... Nothing personal.")

This is Wattson's final Pokemon and... well, it gets putzed without a fight. Not so good without your game-busting generator, huh?

... What the hell, teleport?

Oh god damn it! All that work for nothing.

"No, he didn't - and that poor Raikou he trapped has been released, too."

Huh?

"I suspected they might flee like this, so I waited outside to where their teleporter comes out and arrested them. Thanks for your help."

: "No problem!"

... He's actually a competent officer? The writing of this murder mystery section is amazing. I really do wish the rest of the game was like it.

Yeah, it was a genuine mystery. The only real clue that it was Wattson before the reveal were his creepy technicians, so I'll give props to the creator that he didn't make it completely obvious. The red herring with the chef helped quite a bit, too.

Back to Mauville, let's go investigate the area.

... Oh. There's nothing here. For future reference, there's nothing in the Game Corner either. So that's a bit of a waste.

The only real place of interest is the Gym.

For you see, this guy is here.

[Current audio: Team Rocket Remix Theme]

".... Got it! These are the badges and TMs that Wattson asked us to recover!"

Mind if I loot those off of you, buddy?

"Well, I can't have you rescuing Gleis from our base. I'll have to stop you."

They captured Gleis? Oh, we're in trouble now.

But not right at this moment.

Oooh, a Lairon! Not only is it a departure to all of the damn Hombone, but the only person that has a decent chance of beating this guy is Zagon due to Surf.

[Inquisition Footman flees offscreen]

"This is bad... they got Gleis. I'll have to rescue him. Hey, wait! That Footman dropped something!"

That's a nifty reward, at the very least.

Let's not use it now, though. Onward to Route 118!

... How do you explain rockblocking of this magnitude

Moving on to the route on the left, we meet the Day-Care-Man. He says his Pokemon have helped take care of him, so that's good. While it may not seem important now, trust me in that we will require this guy's services later on.

I should mention that from this point onward, I went into a giant grinding montage with one major change to the team - Tohru has replaced Benedict. The egg fakemon are cool and all, but they are not immediately effective.

I'm sorry, pal. You're going to have to be benched for a while.

: * grows and shrinks like a balloon *

... I don't understand?

Anyway, time for a giant grinding session.

OH MY GOD THERE ARE VULPIX ON THIS ROUTE

i'm calling her jeanne and giving her a cool theme

You can also find this thing. Calfby is a Fakemon that sort of works like the Hitmon-family in terms of how they evolve. If you evolve it with more attack than defense, you get Tauros. More defense than attack, you get Miltank.

However, raise it with equal attack and defense, and you get Ramshaker. Ramshaker being a new

/

Fakemon that is practically designed to rip apart your Fighting-type offense. Bring your best Dark and Bug moves because it will be a pain otherwise.

With that, the training montage is done. And now, we witness the growth of a new hero.

Groovy. Let's go bust some heads.

Our first target is this dude. He has a set of six Pokemon, but that should be the extent of his threat. He has four Munchlaxes and two Kirlia.

He didn't even stand a chance.

These two, on the other hand, will be much more annoying.

Aside from a new zombie Pokemon, they have the gall to be smart and pull out legitimate competitive tactics. See, Shrivelsaur there will use Leech Seed, Substitute and use Protect on himself to wall you into submission. He will also use Double Team to make hitting him a prominent issue.

Absolutely devilish for what is supposed to be a rotting, mindless monster. Poliworm (ugh) is more brute force as he will just try to sock you with Focus Punch and use Protect on himself too.

Fun fact: In practice, the SubSeed strategy actually worked and screwed me over something fierce to the point where I had to reset. Don't underestimate these guys.

... You see that Chef right there? That is no ordinary Chef. (also that head is just a severed head don't pay him any mind)

Say hello to the more painful variation of the Former Chef - the Skilled Chef. These guys are dangerous due to the fact that the "skilled" in their name is actually relevant.

BAD BEAR ALERT

Fear his dopey gaze. The Snorlax this guy has is a step up from everything you might have faced so far. It's also the prime reason why I trained up Tohru - nobody could beat this Snorlax in practice no matter how hard they tried.

He's immune to Reggie's poison-powder and Zagon's Headbutt was outmatched by her opponent's. It was a dark day... until Tohru came to the rescue.

: ("Do you think you can take me on, little man?!?! Come, break your fists against mine!")

: ("Hwahahahaha! You put up a better fight than I expected but it was not even close enough to scratch me.")

Kick-ass.

Wait, what?
We can do that now?!

: "It's probably better that you don't know. But hey, at least it's possible to help people turn back from those... things."

I do like that you can at least turn back from being a Former Chef. No such luck for the zombies, though.

Unfortunately, there's another Skilled Chef here. What exactly does he have?

A Gardevoir, of course. Man, I can't wait for Bellamine to evolve into this.

That aside, he's nowhere near as strong as the Snorlax even with Psychic being as painful as it is. A few Leech Lifes should take him out no problem.

Now I'm just imagining that these guys have done some nasty **** as Former Chefs. It's probably for the best that they don't remember.

There was this. Hallelujah.

Anyway, there's nothing more on that Route. You get rock-blocked again, only this time by the passage leading into Verdanturf. The route above Mauville leads into a desert, which is blocked off by a breakable rock. So the only way to pass through this part of the game is to go into the Island of Calm.

"You're that devilishly strong Trainer who defeated me in Mauville... Please don't hurt me."

: "I don't have to if you don't get in the way. Capiche?"

... You can find wild Ralts here? The Pokedex location must have been pointing to here the entire time, but the map was not fixed to show the actual location. Anyway, this is technically where I would have found Bellamine - had I not gamesharked her in earlier into the game.

I do not regret my actions.

Oh, now we're talking. Say goodbye to that dinky little Thundershock, Ambes. Now we're going to roast fish and birds with greater precision.

There's also a medical kit in case you were aching from the random encounters here.

... I don't think this has any relevance???

oh would you look at that, a cute little chikorita

Honestly, I would scream at Jack again but let's not be a dick to this Chikorita by snatching it away from its home. I mean, this place is surrounded by water so no zombies can get to it.

... * gulp *

I'm not worried because of that Footman, but instead because of this area. It's going to give me a tremendous amount of headaches later on.

Also, oh **** we're wanted. That didn't take long!

Boring fight aside, Bellamine learned Psychic! We're getting rid of the kid gloves all over the place today, and the team is not going to mess around anymore.

Oh please, buddy. You and your friends with the crazy hair won't be enough to slow me down just on the principle that you all use Hombone.

... Oh NO.

Say hello to the Island of Calm's tunnel dungeon. I'll probably regret ever coming in here by the end of the next update.

... Uh? What is up with that's guy's sprite? It's funky looking. Believe it or not, they will be very important...

NEXT TIME ON POKEMON SNAKEWOOD: I'M GOING TO GO INSANE.

See you then.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie,

, Level 27, has Leftovers,

/

) - "I'mma feeling that these mokes got a big headache waiting for us, you feel me?"

(Bellamine,

, Level 26,

) - Shaking at the thought of finally evolving

(Ambes,

, Level 26,

) - "And then I made his face concave!"

(Zagon,

, Level 29, has Plus Band,

) - Sick of fighting Hombone

(Ace,

, Level 28, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - Feels the same way as Zagon again

(Tohru,

, Level 25,

/

) - "Hwahahaha! So what are we going up against next? Come on, Jack, don't leave me hanging!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Benedict, level 18,

/

) - * Making a deep, heavy breathing sound *

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - Happy talking with Jeanne

(Jeanne,

, level 18,

) - "You wouldn't believe it, Alice! Jack saved me from being eaten by a zombie and..."

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Sleeping with Cherry sitting next to him

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - Is playing a staring game with Pumbloom

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - Is playing a staring game with Ballin

(Letro, level 15,

/

) - "JACK, WATCH OUT. YOU ARE ENTERING AN AREA THAT MAKES NO SENSE. BEEP-BOOP-BZZT."

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - Is sleeping along with Krusha.

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Wow, Ambes! You sure are fearless."

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "You punched him into the wall? That's something else, bro!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

Oh boy. Are you ready to get crazy, cause I sure am! (not)

Chapter 10 - The Art of Lunacy
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa we're really doing this

Sigh. Well, I have to progress this game eventually.

"Oho! Stumped about how to get in, are we? Well, if you defeat all of us, the Inquisition's Deadly Seven, then we might just tell you where the entrance is!"

Hahahahahahahahaa what

Say hello to the Deadly Seven, aka. these weird blue-afro guys wearing purple thriller vests with no shoes. They all look like this, and despite the name, they're not deadly at all. For example, this dude only has an Oddish.

You know the routine.

"But you won't beat the others. We Deadly Seven are tough!"

As tough as jello.

I should mention that all of the Deadly Seven excluding the last one repeat this losing phrase so we're not missing much if I skip them.

... Uh? That's not where we came in from.

But thanks for the Max Elixir anyway.

... It's gonna be one of those days. See, folks, this whole dungeon is designed to mess with you as each exit leads out through this "loser exit."

Each member of the "Deadly Seven" is hidden in a different cave, and you have to talk to all of them to proceed with plot. Which means you'll be coming out of the "loser exit" multiple times and there's no save scumming to get past this.

What is this monster of level design? I know Cutlerine is doing it to prove a point, but it's completely unnecessary.

All of the Deadly Seven have name with "ov" put at the end of them. To make them sound more Russian. I don't know.

Bobov here has an Onix, which I must add gets a new evolution in Snakewood that is bat**** insane.

Onix are not known for their Special Defense, so we have nothing to worry.

"Your winning streak ends here!"

More like continues, given the fact none of these guys pose a threat.

What in the world is that

That, my friends, is a new Fakemon presumably made from scratch. It's a

/

type by the name of Kenchira.

Kenchira replaces Cacnea in the Pokedex and evolves at level 48. His sprite looks funky, but he might become a big help later on.

Right now, he is fodder.

Not so fast, buster. I'm the one that robs people around these parts. (Unless your stuff is in the middle of nowhere, then I won't touch it.)

[A whupping later]

There's also this. I have to put in Walk-Through-Walls to see what that item even is, because there's no reason Cutlerine would just put it there as a cocktease.

: "Jack has no time for this ****."

Oooh, a Beldum! The Metagross family has always been one of my favorites in the original Sapphire, even if I couldn't be assed to raise them.

Anyway, Psychic won't cut it. Switching over to a different person.

They have a secret? Is it tips on how to style afros? No thank you, then.

[A fight later]

"That will take you back to the entrance of the base. Heheheh..."

[He disappears like the rest]

Well, that was sinister. Let's keep going, though.

This is what the guy up top says. Believe it or not, we have to defeat all of the Deadly Seven to talk to this dude.

"Hah! Surprised? I'm the eight member of the Deadly Seven! Now prepare to --"

"No. You can't be. This is a new low for stupidity, even for this world."

Jack, you are The Best.

(Vladov): "Still doesn't change the fact that I'm now going to battle you."

[sighing]: "Oh, okay then. Whatever."

I feel this man's anguish 100% right now.

A room over, and you get a Nugget. Neat.

: "The ninth member of the Deadly Seven?"

(Adolv): "How'd you guess?"

(Adolv): "I'm not entirely certain."

Of course he's not. He has a Dratini, by the way.

(Adolv): "I said go face him!"

[Disappears like the others]

Jeez, pushy much? Anyway, let's go talk with the haiku man.

"You have defeated all of my companions? Well, then, I shall defeat YOU! Blue cheese haiku death spell, activate!"

Wh-what?

You'd think that as the leader of the Deadly Seven (

), he would have something amazing up his sleeve. No, he just has a Larvitar.

Nah, this is pretty unremarkable. The only reason I'm keeping this in is for formality. If I could, I would just skip to the next part.

"Whohohoho! Too strong. I suppose I shall tell you how to enter. Go back to the sign near the entrance to this forest. There is a secret switch there."

That's what the secret was? Not tips on how to look like a bizarro Miror B.?

[Asimov disappears. I imagine him jumping off of the cliff face making a Superman pose.]

Anyway, this was the switch that Asimov was talking about. Not any of the other signs.

uh oh

[Fade to white]

... Uh? It's just a cave. I'm curious as to how big this island must be though, given its relatively small size on the overworld.

There's also this down here. I don't know what the difference would be other than the potions being military-grade, so you got me.

[Current audio: The Trick Master House theme]

... That's not a good sign. Also, why did Cutlerine put two healing spots right next to each other?

"Hey! You're that kid I was warned about! Well, you won't be getting through the Inquisition Boardroom!"

Oh right yeah, I forgot we were dealing with the Inquisition. I'm glad Cutlerine is making them a thing instead of just shoving them off to the side but...

He's a Salaryman with Hombone. Do these guys choose their Pokemon or is Hombone just a rental for joining?

"I don't care if I lost. You can't get through our boardroom, do you realize that? We've installed a security system that repels unwanted intruders."

Oh, really? Let me test it out, then.

[Teleports Jack back to the start]

... OH IT'S ONE OF THOSE MAZES

We've officially reached the part of Snakewood that I've dreaded ever since I've saw the let's plays for it. See, this whole boardroom segment is a giant test of memorization and if you screw up, you get booted back to the start.

Thankfully, I have a map on standby to help me get through this mess:

Isn't that GREAT? Cutlerine knew this part of the game was so annoyingly complicated he had to make a map for it. Anyway, moving on.

* Not pictured: Me failing a million times to get there. *

Also god damn it, they're back already.

(Mikov): "We're really, really fast."

is it bad to say i legit laughed at jack's misfortune

Anyway, they're all just as easy as last time. Take note of Bellamine's level, however.

She's getting so close.

(Bobov): "I do..."

On one hand I feel bad that Jack cut him off. On another, I have no sympathy for any of the Deadly Seven for putting me through this.

[Skip skip]

(Third member): "Fufufufu... I am Gunkov! Be prepared for my fists of pounding fury!"

: "Your lines are completely different from last time."

After battle, Gunkov talks about something regarding Tree monsters, but it's just nonsense.

------

(Fourth member): "I am Karkov! And you are my deadly foe!"

They're not serious at all, Jack. They're trying to mess with you something fierce.

"Oh really? Thanks awfully. I'm Robotnov, the sixth member of the Deadly Seven."

I have nothing but sympathy for Jack and the crew.

That's a very good question.

: "No, you're not. We met about a half hour ago. You're Rolv of the Deadly Seven."

(Rolv): "Am I? Am I really?"

: "Yes."

(Rolv): "Hah!"

[Initiates a battle]

Riveting.

Yeah, right? Did they all escape from a mental asylum?

There goes the fourth wall.

How the hell do you provide commentary for this?

0

Oh god, they're trying to tear Jack's mind apart by breaking the fourth wall!

Well, good. No crazy banter.

... I just had to open my mouth. These guys are not threatening at all, by the way. Sure, I have to go back and refill on Psychic now and then, but these guys are more like a giant experience buffet more than anything actually dangerous.

So I thank them for that, at least.

(Asimov): "Okay, then! Here goes."

"Like sprightly monkfish
We gamble away our souls:
There is no nutmeg."

... Maybe these guys are called the Deadly Seven because their annoyance can kill?

... Don't make me hungry.

WHAT

There's more!?

that's it i'm out

... No, I can't just leave you guys hanging like that.

: "Oh god... It's you guys again."

Is anybody getting sick of the Deadly Seven already? Like damn, these guys just won't stop.

Bobov is going to make sure he stops us, to which Jack claims:

"I don't believe you. I've done it twice already."

Gunkov becomes a narrator for some reason, but it's not too terribly interesting as to what he says.

Healing kit just in case these guys were getting on your nerves.

... You know, a Fairy-type Gourgeist would be pretty cool.

Robotnov thinks he's the ninenteenth member of the Deadly Seven, which is all kinds of ****ed up.

(Rolv): "Col. Ucalegon, reporting for duty!"

The saddest part is that Jack actually goes along with this, if only for a second. These guys are really getting to him, man.

(Rolv): "The enemy has been spotted! Engaging in warfare!"

Everything these guys say is tailor-made to drive people insane, have you noticed?

Sputnov starts spewing "I AM A ROM HACKER!" again, to which Jack replies with:

It's a test of endurance at this point.

(Sputnov): "No! I am not insane. The cucumbers are, though. You should arrest them."

Did Cutlerine sit down and think to himself: "I will put in a group of escaped mental convicts as the elite of the Inquisition and I'll make them super annoying so I can explain it off later on. Yes, this is a brilliant idea."

Like what the ****.

"I am not Adolv! I am his stunt double! Watch me perform a stunt!"

Yeah, okay, sure, whatever. Break a leg.

oh boy

COME TO ME, MY QUEEN

let's blow this taco stand

: "Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you. Why are you suddenly so friendly with me!"

(Asimov): "Because we're friends! I wrote you another haiku. Want to hear?"

: "Please, please no."

(Asimov): "Here I go!""All for your delight -
Though we are not here.
Cinnamon is good."

[Bellamine psycho-kinetically flings his Larvitar to the other end of the room - the end]

More of this stupid maze

: "With fifty percent of my sanity left intact, yes."

Uh? What's the problem, buddy?

Oh. Well, have fun with that.

You can get a Nest Ball, for whatever it's worth.

Oh no, what is this?

"Well, meddling kid, this is one room you won't get through!"

It's only predictable at this point.

"The 'X' panels on the floor unleash waves of terrible Wild Pokemon... hehe."

Oh god, I'm getting flashbacks to that one Rocket dungeon in Crystal. This is gonna suck.

: "... He did say they were terrible."

Criticizing Hombone aside, this part was just walking through X panels and encountering super weak Pokemon. No thank you.

With that said, that (thankfully) ends off this part of the dungeon and consequentially this episode of Snakewood. Next time, I don't even know what's going to happen.

... If I can be honest, guys? Behind the scenes, this whole maze thing was actually super taxing. I originally skipped through a lot of Deadly Seven dialogue because I had reached the point of "I DON'T CARE" and just sped through them all to get this update over with.

But that wouldn't have been cool. Admittedly, there's a fair bit of Deadly Seven dialogue that I still skipped - but I don't think we're missing anything too important.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie,

, Level 27, has Leftovers,

/

) - "Jack, brattah, you gotta chill. You can't let those crazy guys get to ya."

(Bellamine,

, Level 31,

) - "What in the world did we get ourselves into?"

(Ambes,

, Level 26,

) - Is exhausted with all of this Deadly Seven business

(Zagon,

, Level 29, has Plus Band,

) - Is cuddling up to Jack out of sympathy

(Ace,

, Level 29, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - Is giving a death glare to Inquisition members that haven't fought Jack yet

(Tohru,

, Level 26,

/

) - "You know, when I signed up for this, I didn't expect to deal with crazy people. But it's not like that matters."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Benedict, level 18,

/

) - * Is rolling around *

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - Confused about all of this Deadly Seven nonsense

(Jeanne,

, level 18,

) - "How many times did Jack get teleported again? I'm dizzy!"

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Trying to count how many Inquisition members there actually are

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - Is still playing the staring game with Pumbloom

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - Is still playing the staring game with Ballin

(Letro, level 15,

/

) - "CALCULATING... THE DEADLY SEVEN APPEAR TO BE DELIBERATELY TRYING TO MAKE JACK INSANE. BEEP BOOP BZZT."

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - Trying to comprehend what most of the Deadly Seven are even saying half of the time.

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Man, the guys look like they're having a hard time."

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "I'm sorta glad we didn't come if this is what bro and Jack have to deal with all of the time."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 11 - Into the Rabbit Hole
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Oh boy, more of the Inquisition base. Hurray.

"I'd stop you, but that'd constitute working, and that's not allowed in the Employee Garden."

So even though Jack is an intruder that has steamrolled through a majority of your members, including what I assume are your bosses (The Deadly More-Than-Seven), you can't violate the rules of the Employee Garden to fight him.

Okay, whatever, I don't even care. No fighting equals a free Max Elixir.

One important thing to note: Do NOT go through this right exit.

This is why. It throws you out of the underground part of the base (somehow???) through the "loser exit" from a few parts back. Which means you have to go through the pain-in-the-ass maze again and the part with forced Pokemon encounters.

That's some master-class trolling and I swear to god I hate Cutlerine for it.

"I'm on my way to the Employee Garden. But, as a loyal salaryman, I will destroy you!"

Yeah, no. Nobody in the Inquisition has given Jack a hard time yet, and you're not going to either.

He does spice things up by bringing a Relicanth. One thing I find that's strange is that the Inquisition has a primarily Rock-focused set-up. That's a really weird typing for a villainous team to have, but hey I have to give points for originality.

I would say "why don't these guys try to beat up Jack with their fists" but that would just wind up with one of the Crew snapping them apart like a dry twig. That, or Jack knows martial arts like the Metal Gear Jack. I approve of both ideas, actually.

A teleporter puzzle too? Didn't you have enough of that back in the Boardroom?

Let's go into this one first.

Damn it, it was the wrong one. But hey, it can't be that bad. What, are they just going to throw more Level 5 Hombone at us?

"Something dark is coming..."

... What?

w-what is this

oh my god what is THAT

[Theme I would use for this thing as in-game it's just the stupid trainer theme: Giygas's Intimidation]

Meet Shaderu. A

/

legendary that is, by all accounts, one of the most disturbing new Fakemon in the entire hack. Sure, it may just look like a Gastly recolored black with a Haunter claw but let me just read you its Pokedex entry:

"Legend states that SHADERU is invisible. This is incorrect, of course - all it does is shroud itself in a dark cloud made of the burned souls of a thousand unborn children."

... I would crack a joke at this, but christ that's some heavy stuff. Also, yes, you are reading that right - Shaderu is level 80. This counts as a trainer battle, so you can't just catch Shaderu and get it over with. You are not supposed to lose this battle either, as it counts as a real game over and it kicks you back all the way out to Mauville City.

So for the love of god, don't go into the wrong teleporter.

This is the correct path to go to through. At least the maze wasn't very long, thank god.

This place has a dungeon to go through? The Inquisition Base is literally three dungeons stacked on top of each other because of this, so don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?

Jack is protected by the power of Plot and savestates, so of course he's going to make it here.

See what I mean about Rock-typing? I should take this time to mention that the Inquisition made their base all ****ed up because it's part of some artistic thing on the Deadly Seven's behalf. They fight with the martial art of lunacy, which is basically to drive their opponent insane. Cool story idea, horrifyingly bad gameplay concept.

It does not excuse anything that we've experienced so far because no amount of explanation can justify this. He could have very easily taken the idea out and swapped it for something else that would have been less infuritating, made more sense and made the Inquisition look competent. I mean, the zombies from earlier were very capable at kicking our ass without any special tricks so I don't understand the process behind this.

"You won't be able to get past our Shaderu-summoning traps, anyway."

... You mean the one I already passed that is the only set in the entire building? Idiot, I'm not going back the way I came.

Also, what technology did they use to summon Shaderu of all Pokemon? You'd think they would use that more often given how powerful the thing is. Maybe they can't control it, but that's giving this ****ty line way too much credit.

Leap of Faith? .... Please don't be what I think it is.

"Even more so than the rest of our building!"

Do you honestly think Jack even cares by this point, dude?

This guy has a Lunatone, though. It's a bit harder to take down than what we've been fighting with, given that it has Cosmic Power to boost its defenses, but that's why Reggie is here.

Reggie, you got a lot of **** in the earlier parts but now you're one of the best.

You should be apologizing to everybody but Hombone, dude.

"Well, I guess you won't get much further without a flashlight or a torch anyway."

Spoiler: You never get a flashlight.

... This is the Leap of Faith? Does that mean that it's another stupid maze!?

Actually, no. Unlike the pain-in-the-ass maze from before, there are invisible walls that guide you into the exit and it's not that bad really.

I don't understand why Cutlerine was so much of a hardass with the earlier parts of the base yet the later parts are a cakewalk as long as you go the right way. I'm not complaining because it means we get through this faster.

[Current audio in-game: Mt. Pyre Peak]

So these are the dungeons? I love the Mt. Pyre theme though, so any excuse for it to play is a good one in my book.

.. You know, I think the Inquisition uses Hombone so often because it's a readily accessible Pokemon to catch. Not that it makes it a good idea, mind you.

Gaoler - "a person in charge of a jail or of the prisoners in it."

Interesting. Let's see what kind of Pokemon he has.

Your fault for choosing Corsola of all Pokemon, dude.

Spontaneous ledge jumping.

This is the second Nest Ball we've gotten in this base for some reason.

That dude reeks of plot progression. Too bad we can't jump down ledges that thick.

... I don't know why, but they deserve a disco song.

The actual battle is nothing special.

Jack must be rich as hell from all the fighting, though.

- The problem of every defeated Pokemon trainer ever

... Is that lava?

Oh ****, it's Gleis. They kept him here of all places?

"If you came over here, I can explain further."

I'm pretty sure if it was real lava, the both of you would be getting serious flash burns right now.

"The Inquisition seem to not have any, so they've used orangeade instead. You can easily surf across."

I don't know what's more embarassing - the fact Jack confused orangeade with lava, Gleis not swimming through it himself or the fact the Inquisition put their prisoners behind orangeade moats like it's a normal thing.

Jack is perfect as an audience surrogate.

This is what I meant earlier when I said we'd be surfing on more than just water. Just be glad Cutlerine didn't go the edgy route and make it a moat of blood instead.

"The Inquisition got me by surprise and took my Pokegear! It was a vintage Johto model with a built-in conduit for the Tao... If you could get it back from the Inquisition scientists, I could blast us out of here in no time at all."

That'd certainly be appreciated after all of this madness.

How old is Jack, by the way? He looks like he's in his late teens if not in his twenties.

This place gets weirder and weirder.

: "Yeeeeeeah, a bit too late for that, pal."

There's also this. What the hell, dude. You're supposed to walk behind that tree, by the way.

The cliff is trying to eat his head.

That didn't take long.

[Current audio in-game: The Rocket Inquisition theme from before]

"What? Give back Gleis's Pokegear? No way, I need it for my research! Plus, I get control of his Pokemon this way. In fact, let me demonstrate..."

How does this work? Did they steal his Pokemon too?

Hi Maxie with a green haircut and a labcoat. Like come on. Also, that name:

"mal·fea·sance
ˌmalˈfēzəns/
wrongdoing, especially by a public official."

I can't say Snakewood isn't teaching me new things.

Where did Gleis get a Haunter? I want one too! Well, at the very least he's not just sticking to Faceleech anymore.

SPEAKING OF WHICH

You may be stronger, but so is Faceleech as Level 36 is pretty grisly for this part of the game. Like always, if you don't have a priority move like Quick Attack then Faceleech will rip you apart with zero mercy.

Hence why Ace is here. Atta boy.

Remember when Faceleech used to be scary? Ha yeah, those were good times.

A Qwilfish. Am I to suspect it will evolve the next time we fight Gleis? For now though, it's target practice for Thunderbolt.

Reggie classing 'em with the best of 'em.

Define "powerful" because that was actually a pretty comfortable fight for me.

"I know... I failed because Gleis's Pokemon will only obey their true owner. I guess I have no choice. Here - take this Pokegear."

Dude, nice try. I know you're trying to sound important but that's not the reason why you lost. Jack is just too good for you.

Alright, cool. I wish we could keep it though.

"After all, you've legitimately defeated Wattson."

Oh?

Damn straight.

: "You mean my sight, son."

... Wow, we just could not catch a break. I remember how exhausting playing through this certain bit was. There are no healing spots in this part of the Inquisition Base, so if you happen to get a Mon knocked out or are low on supplies then your only choice is to backtrack through the torture maze.

Thank the lord all we have to do left is talk to Gleis, because if we had to keep going then I'm pretty sure I would have legitimately lost.

"Splendid! You got back my Pokegear! Now, let's go! Activating..."

Awww yeah. Let's blow this taco stand!

[No actual sound effect is played]

: "What? I can't hear anything."

: "It's the Inquisition. I feel their presence disturbing the Tao. Listen, I'll teleport you out of here with my Pokegear. I think I'll have a little fun with these vermin, now that Faceleech and I are reunited once more. But before I do, please take this as thanks for helping me out."

That sounds pretty badass. I wish I could stay around to see Faceleech rip apart Inquisition footmen. Also oooh, a gift.

: "Really? Thanks, Gleis!"

He gave us Rock Smash.

YOU'RE THE BEST, GLEIS!

And he teleports us out of the loony bin too! I adore this man even more than I already did.

Finally, some sanctuary!

"Pokecenters will always be there! Even when zombie wars rage around us! Now, can I heal your Pokemon?"

: "You sure can, doll."

Jack x Nurse Joy never. </3

Also holy **** LOOK AT THAT MOOLA. We'll have no worries about money from now on, christ.

And this is just the cherry on top of the dollar sundae.

[Current audio in game: Route 111 Theme]

Famine turned the entire area above Mauville City into a giant desert... I'm not complaining, I love the desert theme too.

"Urrghhh.... I challenged a Troll to a battle, but he was way too powerful - his bag is huge and holds more than six Pokemon."

Wait, what? Whoa. That sounds really interesting, if a little disconcerting.

Swap out that awful Vital Throw, and... Tohru, you know what you have to do.

: ("On it, Hoss.")

With that said, that ends off this episode of Pokemon Snakewood. Next time, we're going to brave through Famine's Desert.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie,

, Level 28, has Leftovers,

/

) - "Ey, Jack. You mind if I take a little break? Won't be long."

(Bellamine,

, Level 32,

) - "We're finally out of that nightmare! Thank goodness!"

(Ambes,

, Level 28,

) - Hugs both Shine and Spark upon coming into the Pokecenter

(Zagon,

, Level 30, has Plus Band,

) - Lies on the ground, exhausted

(Ace,

, Level 29, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - Does a big dramatic pose as regales to the others his fight with Faceleech

(Tohru,

, Level 27,

/

) - Is outside busting rocks with his bare fists for practice

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Benedict, level 18,

/

) - * rolls up to Jack with a warm glow *

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "Thank goodness, you're all safe!"

(Jeanne,

, level 18,

) - Is happy that the crew came back safe and sound

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - "Oh man, I really should have been there to kick some ass!"

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - Is listening to Ace's totally thrown out of proportion story

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - "S-so what happened next, Mr. Ace?"

(Letro, level 15,

/

) - "IT SEEMS THE NEXT AREA TO GO TO IS FAMINE'S DESERT. BEWARE, JACK. I SENSE FOUL PLAY THERE, BEEP BOOP BZZT."

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - "Honestly, it would have been much better if I had went, sweetie."

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - Is overjoyed that Ambes is safe

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "Man, you had us going there bro. You looked pretty beat up when you came in..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

We've got a three parter on our hands! Consider this the climax of the first part of the game.

Chapter 12 - Famine's Desert
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

I know I said I would be going to Famine's Desert (hell it's even the title of today's first chapter), but how about some back-tracking now that we're armed with Rock Smash?

"Why is it moving around the region so much?"

He doesn't give you anything and he brings you out of the way for nothing. What a ripoff.

The Arclight Spanner does not break itself, fortunately. Although, I'm not sure what it can be used for aside from breaking this box.

I missed this dude on my last venture. He yelled about how you shouldn't stereotype swimmers as only having Water-types but he only had a Nuzleaf and a Grumpig. Funny thing, the Grumpig knew Splash, so I imagined it helplessly drowning while trying to fight Reggie.

Going back to this mini-island, let's see what this lady has to say. Maybe she'll give us something cool?

"I loved the sea once... But when my father was devoured by a monster that crawled from its waves, it broke my heart."

Awww...

But hey, thanks for the Broken Heart anyway.

Yes, I really traveled all the way back to Rustboro just to get this one item.

Just for this. It's not great enough to warrant coming back this far.

There's nothing from this end of the cave, by the way. You're blocked off by a horde of zombies that won't move unless you come in the proper way, so sigh. At least I had Teleport to bring me back to New Mauville otherwise this would have taken forever.

I should also take this time to mention something important I found on Serebii regarding Bellossom and Cherry's eventual fate as a member of the team.

These are Bellossom's stats. That Speed is pretty bad, and she doesn't really have much of a moveset to utilize that 90 Special Attack...

HOWEVER, I went and took a look at Roselia's stats for the sake of comparison.

What a difference. Mind you, Bellossom is a fully evolved Pokemon that requires a stone.

Meanwhile, Roselia is sitting here with a delectable 100 base Special Attack, 15 more Speed without having to evolve and Mega Drain, a move that Gloom does not get period. You know what I must do.

Welcome to the team, my dear.

If Roserade was in this hack, Beatrice would be on the team permanently. Alas, she is only good as a Roselia.

Future Dan: Just a heads up. I'm astonished at this remark in particular because she does make incredible use of her true potential later on... just not in Snakewood proper. Trust me.

Ambes, buddy, you're gonna have to sit this one out.

: ("Actually, thank you Jack. I hate deserts, even if I do have Ice Punch. Stay safe out there!")

: "No problem, buddy."

I love this damn desert theme. I did some grinding off screen with Beatrice to get her toughened up, but in the process I found something very interesting.

You can find wild Golem here!

They're a rare encounter though, so the fact my first battle here was with one is hella lucky. They give a ton of experience if you beat them, so that's good too.

Climb up the hill, and there's a strange blue man waiting for you. What does he have to give us?

"Oho! Another foolhardy adventurer? I shall defeat thee, with all the power of a Troll!"
Wait, what? He's the Troll that dude was talking about? The one with more than six Pokemon?

His appearance is appropriately troll-like. It's actually pretty good for this game's overall sprite quality.

WH-WHAT THE ****?!

It's the freaky Golbat sprite from Gen 1! Of course the Troll of all people would have this thing.

One Psychic takes him out, but IT PIERCES INTO MY SOUL.

This is what he says when you beat him each time, by the way.

Why can't we hold more than six Pokemon like this dude? He has the right idea.

None of them are all that special, so don't think this dude is actually dangerous.

He had a Pineco that Ace chopped up with a few Wing Attacks.

Look at the difference. Beatrice is literally 11 levels lower than the Hombone and look at how much damage she already did.

I don't know if this is a testament to how powerful Beatrice is or how weak Hombone is.

There was also this Spinda. They try to use Hypnosis on you and confuse you with Dizzy Punch, but Tohru had none of that.

"This - this is not possible! I am a great and noble Troll! Thou hast not the power to defeat me!"

He's very eloquent for a Troll, I'll give him that.

His best? Oh no, what is it?

Just a Machoke? You're serious?

[Bellamine used Psychic!]

Yeah, get outta here.

"Since you have beaten me, the Troll of the Desert, I shall confer upon to you this useful item."

Oh wow, we actually get an award for all of that?

The Brain Link is essentially the Exp. Share under a different name. Pretty awesome award for just a few battles, if I can say so.

There was also this. It's... nice, I guess.

: "... But I already beat the troll."

[Jack sighs]

: "I'd help you out man, but the only things that could help only work on Pokemon. Sorry."

Of course, with this being Famine's Desert, there have to be Chefs around here.

The only thing special about this dude is that his name is (probably??) a reference to Durarara.

There were also two Chefs here, but Jack blasted them away before I could screencap it properly.

Up and to the right you can find a Broken Heart. That makes it the fifth one we've collected, so that's pretty good.

Down here, you can find a medical kit and some trainers. Let's go talk to the two in green.

"Hey, you look tough! How about joining the Hoenn Internal Affairs Army?"

These guys are the stand-ins for the reporter duo that ask you questions, only armed with an Uzi and a Rocket Launcher.

Despite their scary guns, they go down without much of a fight.

"Look, kid, if you don't want to join the Army, then at least give us a quote for our report. How about it? Will you help two overworked Army officers who haven't been paid since the invasion began to file their report?"

Jack answered with ellipses, by the way.

: "... I didn't even say anything. Yeah, I'm gonna go..."

rock'n'roll magic

AND HIS NAME IS CRANKSHAFT

"Damn! I was enchanting this rock for protection and you made me lose concentration! Now I have to start all over!"

I'm surprised this dude didn't use his magic rock'n'roll to help anybody else. Snakewood, you silly-ass game.

You can get Sandstorm here, although I wouldn't recommend using it. But uh-oh, here comes more of that pesky plot!

[Flash of light]

: "It isn't so painful this time..."

"Jack! Are - are you alright? Oh, this is bad..."

: "Alicia? I'm fine. It's ok."

: "Thank goodness. We have to get out of here! The ceiling is collapsing!"

[Crash!]

: "Jack...!"

[Flash of light]

"That was way longer than any other flashback I've had so far. Where was I? Why was Alicia helping me?"

Jack, you'd better be glad I care about you enough to go with this plot.

: ".... I guess the only answers lie up with that guy up there on the hill. Famine, I'm coming to get you!"

Yeah, let's go kick some ass!

You're in the way.

You too. These guys are only useful for slowing me down. At least they get turned back to normal when I beat them.

[Current audio in-game: Mt. Pyre inside theme]

"Oh? Who's this, then?"

I swear the original color of that text on a white text box is not flattering to look at.

"This is Jack, sir. The one who's been causing so much trouble."

: "I see. You must be the one who defeated my sister and ruined our demon invasion in the west. If you don't mind me saying, you look very familiar. Have we met?"

: "I don't know, I lost my memory when you guys destroyed my town. Who are you? What do you want? And where's my brother and May?"

Jack, dude, do you honestly think a person that looks like that will provide you with the answers you want?

"I never thought you would have survived that attack. As for your brother... Well, you came to the right place. He was here once. He discovered my little pet, and would have defeated it had we not captured him and his friend in time."

: "Where are they? Tell me!"

: "Fufu... You always were funny when you were angry. Lord Gravetric always used to like say so."

This dude is like a slightly more smug version of Ephidel from Fire Emblem 7. By the way, I had to edit the sprite of Famine as he has none proper in the actual game.

[Famine walks off screen]

Wait, what? The big, bad Famine hyped up to be like the master of this Desert with crowds of Former Chefs and his best course of action is to sic Alicia on us. While running away.

... What a spineless little skunt.

Yeah, you're not sorry. Shut up and fight.

Her Shuppet evolved into a Banette and tried to use Curse on Ace, but the sacrifice was for naught as he got switched out anyway.

Also, fun fact - In Snakewood, Banettes are

/

- hence why Alicia's Banette was ripped to shreds by just one Wing Attack.

There was also this Duskull. In the future when this thing becomes a Dusclops, she becomes a super tank. For now though, Bellamine overwhelms her with a Psychic.

Four times weakness overkill. Like god damn, Tohru.

: "Alicia, what is all this? Why does everyone know me? Who are you really?"

: "... Perhaps I ought to tell you after all."

: "Go on."

This ought to be good.

"We've all worked so hard to make this attack real..."

... The hell? That's definitely a suspicious thing to say.

[Alicia walks off screen]

: "This is so frustrating! Every time I meet anyone, there are just more mysteries piling up. I have to get to the bottom of this and find my brother. And for that, I'll have to find Famine and Alicia."

Jack, I feel your pain. This is frustrating to everybody involved.

As we try to leave, however, we get contacted by the good Prof.

: "Hi! Your Pokephone's tracker got cut off for a while, so I got worried. What happened?"

"There were madmen and orangeade."

: "Sounds like fun!"

: "No, no it wasn't."

Birch, what the hell is your idea of fun if madmen can be a part of it?

: "Anyway, what's happening now?"

: "I'm in the desert, where my brother supposedly discovered something. I've just met Famine of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and that Alicia woman."

"Yes, I had just met a member of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse like it was no deal. He ran away like a coward, though."

"I'd tell you to keep searching, but I have a request."

: "Yep? What is it, Prof?"

: "I've been contacted by the good people of the Mountain Monastery."

: "The what?"

: "Oh, you've lost your memory, right? The Monastery was built on the site of Lavaridge Town after Lavaridge was destroyed by a volcanic eruption. Anyway, go there and tell a guy called Sage Kanzaki that I sent you."

Lavaridge was destroyed?!

If Cutlerine got rid of Flannery, then he's dead to me.

: "Okay, then. What's this about, by the way?"

: "All in good time, Jack. Don't worry - it shouldn't be anything you can't handle."

And he hangs up on us. Way to be a dick, Prof.

: "I would have appreciated it if I knew what I was doing for at least ONCE on this adventure."

: ("... To be honest, Jack, I don't really have any complaints as long as we have you to lead us.")

: ("Hell, I'd gladly follow you anywhere after what you did for me. Safe to say that's what everybody else thinks too.")

: "Aw thanks. You guys are what keeps me going, honestly..."

"A strong scent of powerful magic is coming from beyond. It would be unwise to go further, I think."

As far as I'm concerned, Jack doesn't have any magic. Let's not mess around here any longer.

I'm convinced. The landscape itself has a grudge against me.

Route 112 is the only place we really can go. There was an event here that stopped you from proceeding until you beat Alicia, but if you went through the grass path the game didn't stop you. Lazy programming on Cutlerine's part for sure.

"Care to battle? I need to build up my strength so I can get past those Chefs in the desert."

: "... Don't do it, man."

: "Then fight with the other guy over there. Or hell, just fight in the grass. Anything but me!"

I found this funny in a cosmic sort of way.

Also, Pelipper out of nowhere. Free moola~

The ****? Why is this guy roaring at me?

... OH THAT'S WHY.

There are still more demons to fight and surprise, surprise, they are blue recolors of the already unimpressive demon guys we fought back in Rusturf Tunnel. It doesn't make sense why they would be at Mount Chimney, though. Isn't this place supposed to be a volcano?

Still though, the overworld sprite was super lazy. Cutlerine could have easily used something else.

This dude has a Seel. Chalk them up to the "Pokemon from Hell" list too.

If you're going to make them the Pokemon of demons, make them the intimidating ones at least.

okay now i'm pissed

Hi Snorunt! Say hello to Tohru's fist.

I have no time for a staring contest, dude.

I will, however, give your friend the time of day. He has a Glalie that could have been a problem but got putzed by Tohru's Rock Smash.

Tremble in fear, Hombone!

There's nothing up here, by the way, so don't bother checking.

[Current audio in-game: Sealed Chamber]

Holy smokes, Batman!

This is one of the few areas in Snakewood that I outright just love due to how beautiful it is. It's one of the few things that Cutlerine got right, surprisingly enough.

The mist, the music, the icy area - it's pretty great. Although I'm seriously curious as to how the hell a volcano turned into an ice cave.

Damn it, why does Hombone have to be everywhere like this? It's ruining the mood.

You can get Blizzard from the space in front of Jack just in case you wanted a strong Ice attack. Hurray!

[Current audio in game: Mt. Pyre Peak theme]

This place has the Mt. Pyre Peak theme too? That's another place I can visit just to hear the song, I guess.


(Water Bottles cure burns, by the way. I wish that's how it worked in real life.)

Whoa, that's a fancy sprite all things considered. The ghostly arms are pretty cool.

These monks are part of the Monastery that's not too far off here, and they're armed with Psychic types.

To think, we could have had a Baltoy.

... Not that it could have been as good as Reggie.

: ("Damn straight, son.")

"You'll find the monster down in the desert, back through the Frigid Way."

: "... I don't remember taking on a quest to defeat the monster??"

That fellow is trying to guard the way, but he's one of the few people who doesn't actually fight us. Logic.

Shakya Monastery, huh? Well, I'm glad there's a Poke Center at least. I wasn't sure if we were going to get a refill after all of that fighting.

[Current audio in-game: Sootopolis City]

Another of my favorite Gen 3 songs! I guess it's a good thing this place uses the same tileset as Sootopolis.

Honestly though, the Monastery is another place I like in the game even if it's not as good as the Frigid Way. With that said, this ends off this episode of Snakewood and I'll see you guys next time. Which shouldn't take long, really.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie,

, Level 30, has Leftovers,

/

) - "I'm really digging this Monastery place."

(Bellamine,

, Level 33,

) - "There's a large amount of positive energy surrounding this place. I figure it would be a good idea to stay here for a bit."

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - "Oho? Snow? Interesting~"

(Zagon,

, Level 30, has Plus Band,

) - Jumps headfirst into the snow with glee

(Ace,

, Level 30, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - Is shivering something fierce. Birds hate the cold, after all.

(Tohru,

, Level 31,

/

) - "Hwahaha! It sure is a fine day to make a snowman!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Benedict, level 18,

/

) - * bounce, bounce *

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "... Can I stay inside, meow?"

(Jeanne,

, level 18,

) - "Aw, come on, Alice! It's gonna be fun!"

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Stays inside with Cherry

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - Is seriously wondering if he'll ever be used

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - Is shyly nudging up to Ambes to ask him a question

(Letro, level 15,

/

) - "I AM NOT SURE IF VOLCANOES WORK THAT WAY. THAT ASIDE, IT IS A PERFECT DAY TO RELAX. BEEP BOOP BZZT."

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - "Jack found a new Grass/Poison type?"

(Ambes,

, Level 28,

) - "Oh? What is it, Pumbloom?"

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "He looks up to everybody that's stayed with Jack the longest, big bro."

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "So the fact you're here is making him starstruck."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 13 - His Worthiness
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Now that we're at the spontaneously snow-covered Shakya Monastery, let's go talk with some of the monks here.

"We live in fear. One Sage per generation is allowed to use his powers to defend the Monastery, and that one is Izumii. If he should fail, we will all die."

Jesus, that's laying it quite a bit thick for one person to defend the entire Monastery. Of course, I can kind of understand a normally pacifistic sect not using their powers to fight. However, self-defense is a pretty good excuse to stop the Monastery from falling apart.

I mean, they all have Pokemon and train with them, so... I don't know.

"These statues are of Barqesh, the man who revealed the Ultimate Truth of reality into the world."

... I'm not one for questioning worldviews but this sounds like complete horse****.

By Barqesh, he means the strange yellow monster in front of us. Well, the statue of him, anyway.

Okay, serious question. How the hell did the monks put up their monastery here so quickly? Wasn't this literally only a few years after the events of Gen 3? I find it really hard to swallow that they managed to build this entire site and have "generations" of Sages in that timespan.

"Magma became glassy ice, and the Ice-type Pokemon came to live here. Because our sect believes that the cold is necessary for the attention of enlightenment, we came here too."

So they are nomads. However, that still raises more questions than answers them.

A volcano in a tropical region like Hoenn will not just suddenly freeze over after it erupts because it's not a cold enough environment to warrant it.

"E-e-e-eh... That monster in the desert has been working with the Demons. They bring the ice that destroys the land, and the monster that brings the sand that blights the soil."

... So the Frost Demons are the real reason why Mt. Chimney froze over. Alright, I'll take that explanation. I don't really care, let's just get through this.

... Hello, unfortunate name number #6.

I wonder what he sells.

Oh, he's Snakewood's equivalent of the Herb Shop. I would buy these if I had a grudge against my Pokemon, but they're one of the few things I actually like in this. So nope.

"The Sage rotates slowly on his own axis, despite being seated in the lotus position. He is truly a powerful monk."

Interesting, to say the least. I like it when the Pokemon world has these kinds of trainers.

There's also this, but the Poke Center does a much better job at many other things. This is just here for novelty, I guess.

Fancy set-up. He must be the elder, then.

"You must help us, young one! Please, go forth to the desert, and destroy the foul monstrosity that our brother Izumii is currently attacking."

: "So the person chosen to use their powers to protect the Monastery, who is apparently more skilled with psychic powers than I ever could be, needs my help? What the hell would I even do?"

: ("... Jack, brattah, you do realize that we're here right?")

: "Yeah, Reggie, but everybody says I'm the one that has the powers. They never credit you guys for some reason. I mean, yeah, I know some moves but I'm completely out of my league with this."

: ("I don't really mind as long as we protect you, but the lack of respect from these people sure is getting on my nerves.")

: "Yeah, it's getting really annoying. Anyway, let me check something."

"You don't understand what they're saying. It's in some old, forgotten language."

I'm glad Cutlerine is at least making an effort to make these people seem mysterious.

Anyway, Ambes, let's go. We're going monster hunting in the desert.

: ("W-wh-what!? Jack, you can't be serious! I'll get slaughtered out there!")

: "You're in no real danger. I know this for a fact."

: ("A-alright, I believe you.")

The land is coming apart at the seams!

That glitch is honestly really freaky looking.

... The monster was an Aerodactyl. It's... cool, I guess? Oh and look, he actually changed the overworld sprite! This man is so hot and cold about the quality of his work, I swear.

"For many days I have laboured, using my magics to seal off the beast that Famine summoned here to destroy the land and form the desert. I drove it into this corner, and by sheer willpower I am keeping it there. But I fear I cannot hold out much longer... Go forth, young warrior, and defeat this abomination of the land!"

Yo, that's actually pretty badass. For a regular human using only magic, he did an impressive job fighting this thing.

Let's rip it a new one!

OH **** IT'S A SHINY!

Sure, it may be like the Red Gyarados of this hack but there goes the plan of fighting this guy. I have a feeling he would live longer switching loyalties to Jack.

Ambes, you're up.

: ("Jack, are you insane!? This guy is LEVEL 40! You're going to get me killed!")

: "... You were saying?"

: ("I-I-I... Wow! That nearly gave me a heart attack!")

: ("But damn, that was cool!")

: "All in a day's work."

His name shall be Helmaroc because I have no adequate answer beyond Zelda reference.

"You - you defeated the monster? Your power is great indeed, young one. I can finally return home. Thank you for your great kindness."

: "It was nothing, really. I mean, it wasn't even that hard..."

"Aha! You have defeated the Aerodactyl. But there are still dark forces at work here. The demons still hold the peak of the mountain. I must ask you to destroy them for me. When you return, go to the Tower. At its peak, I shall wait for you."

Alright, let's go do just that. I'm up for blasting some demons.

Now that we have the clearance, we can go into the mountain. I wonder what's in store for us?

I'm not impressed by all of this blue. I am, however, impressed by an easy to use healing spot.

[Current audio in-game: Of course]

Gen 3 has some of the best songs period. Gushing about the music aside, I should mention that I really do like the iced over setting even if the only explanation is "Frost Demons did it".

Oh no, Inquisition members. But hey, at least they're fighting the visually dissonant Frost Demons for us!

There's nothing in that house, by the way, so don't bother looking.

You know, when I asked what was going to be here, I didn't want to hear "The Deadly Seven."

And to think this was going to be a good day.

"As if you never beat me, here's... Mikov!"

Yes, like everybody wanted to see you guys again. Why does the Inquisition keep these guys around?

He has two Glooms and this Vileplume, but Ace dealt with them easily.

(Bobov): "Onions! Pears! Gasoline! What's the answer to my riddle? Find out - after the battle!"

NOBODY CARES YOU LUNATIC

Ambes, **** him up!

: [Cracks knuckles]

Atta boy.

Oh and Tohru had to handle the Steelix because you're bonkers if Ambes is going up against that thing.

: "You are SO not funny."

Preach it, Jack. I'm sick of this **** too.

"Oh! Jack! It is I, Sage Izumii! I came here to fight with you, in thanks for your help in the desert. Go on, I'll hold them off!"

This man deserves my respect as a badass.

"Here I am, folks! Time to rumble with the Gunkmeister!"

: "You changed your personality again?!"

It actually kind of physically hurt writing out that line for Gunkov. He has two Kenchira, but they're no big deal.

Why couldn't that have actually been what happened?

Okay, this is just dumb. Next!

At least these fights aren't long, but god damn it why these guys again?

He was trying to act like Yoda. Yeah, like any of this is going to stop Jack from beating their asses.

You poor, poor muffin.

AAH WHY ARE YOU HERE AGAIN

bellamine blast the thing already

My garden of ****s to give is completely barren. Let's just move on.

Oh hey, look, something that isn't a migraine the Deadly Seven!

"Go back to there you came from or I'll destroy you!"

: "Fufufufu... What an amusing thought. You think you can destroy me? Let me show -"

Chloe: "A civilian? Get back! This is an extremely dangerous situation!"

I thought she would have recognized Jack just from how much trouble he's caused?

"Demon, I won't let you take innocent lives! Prepare to be cast into the Aby--"

[Chloe is flung back a few paces]

"Pathetic. And here I was thinking that you might prove an interesting opponent. You Taoists are all nothing to me."

So he beat a Taoist just like that. How the hell are we supposed to fight him?

"You defeated Alicia, even weakened as you were by my crippling sandstorms. You are a formidable foe. I shall fight you when I am better prepared."

[Famine teleports away]

... What. He beats Chloe like it's no big deal, but runs away from Jack almost instantly? Famine is the biggest coward in the entire hack!

The story sets him up to be like this badass with a ton of control, yet everything with him ends in a major anti-climax! Like come on, Cutlerine.

"Hm? Aren't you the kid who's been messing with our people along with Gleis?"

: "Yes. You're the bad guys, Gleis and I are the good guys - that's how it works."

I would say this is awfully black and white for Jack but after what he had to go through in the Inquisition Base, I don't hold it against him for adopting this mindset at all.

"Don't you know he's up to?"

: "He's fighting the Four Horsemen and their zombie legions... Right?"

Chloe: "True, but not for the reasons you think. He's serving another master. A darker master than even the Horsemen and their ally Meteor. That master is also launching an invasion of Hoenn in the east, and Gleis is the spy sent to destroy the western forces from within."

: "That's crazy!"

So Gleis is a bad guy? Maybe? I don't know how reliable Chloe's information is.


This is a really complicated story, jeez.

"A strong trainer like you - we need your help! Before you arrived, that demon said something about him being angry that his sister had been defeated. That was you, wasn't it?"

: "... Yeah. I defeated Pestilence."

Chloe: "You see? No one else in this region could have done that. We need your strength!"

:"I don't know... Gleis has helped me out a lot."

Chloe: "Has he? What has he actually done?"

("And come to think of it, he lied when he told me I would find answers in New Mauville.")

Jack, you idiot, he's the one that teleported you back to New Mauville out of the Inquisition Base. Also, he's the one who gave you Rock Smash.


Then again, aside from that, he hasn't actually done anything to help.

: "I guess you're right."

Chloe: "Really? Fantastic! I'm glad you realize that! Look, I have to go but I would appreciate it if you would drop by my house later."

You can tell him just asking this is giving him a giant cold sweat.

Chloe: "Oh no. The base you invaded was our secondary base. I live in our main base, north of here in Fallarbor. Well, see you!"

[Screen fades to black, followed by Chloe disappearing]

Well, that was a fun exposition dump. Makes me curious who the real bad guy is in all this. You know, aside from the obvious overlord looming over our heads.

"Oh! Thank you so much for your help! The demons and those odd government people have left. On behalf of the Sangha, I declare you a pure soul. If you so choose, you may now enter the sacred Shakyamuni Tower. Well, farewell!"

[Izumii walks off]

Aw snap, we're worthy now.

If you tried to go into that tower before this, you would get kicked out by a booming disembodied voice, so I don't blame Jack for being scared of it this time.

Shakyamuni is another name for Buddha, which is appropriate for the Monastery.

Take us back, babe.

: ("As you wish, Jack. Although you could have just walked down.")

"This is the Shakyamuni Tower. Only the truly worthy may climb it and grace our elders with their power."

I'm pumped already. Let's go inside.

[Current audio in-game: ... The first part of the title theme?]

... Interesting choice of music. That said though, the song doesn't last very long. It just cuts out and nothing else plays, which sorta proves the title screen theme isn't a good idea for an area theme.

: "Of course."

These Sages are pretty cool, all things considered.

You could even say... ice cold.

... Yeah, that was horrendous.

Isn't that why Jack is here? That he's a "pure" guy?

Oh hey, he has a Claydol. Not that it's much of a hassle, but that's some delicious EXP coming our way.

I also neglected to mention that all of the Sages have the Rival Battle theme, which is cool and all but the fights tend to end really quickly thanks to how fragile the Sages' mons are.

I have nothing to really say other than these guys are really easy. I can understand why Izumii is the only one that's capable of protecting the Monastery thanks to everybody else's set-ups.

"An odd man came by earlier, looking for the Chikuwa Salesman who lives on the top of the mountain. Inconveniently, he left his armor here, and since we are sworn to peace, we can't use it. You may as well have it."

Came by where? In the Tower or in the Monastery in general? Also, ********, you guys train with Pokemon to use them to fight with Jack.

It's just the Focus Band under a different name but thanks anyway.

"You're getting close now! Soon, you will meet our Elder. But first..."

... This guy noticed me from beyond the graves. That is not an event, either. That's actually how he chooses to fight you!

These guys really are psychic!

Introduction aside, he's nothing special.

[Current audio in-game: Suicune battle theme]

"Ah! Greetings, Jack. Once again, allow me to thank you for helping us with our problems."

I like this guy already.

: "No, it's fine. Just doing my job. By the way, you haven't heard anything about my the Pokemon Champion, have you? I heard he was last seen in the desert area."

Elder: "Landon? Yes, he found the Aerodactyl in the desert. He tried to catch it for us, but only managed to weaken it. I should think that is why you were able to defeat it."

Wait, he weakened it? As in, he actually knocked it down a few levels? So what Jack just caught was actually the toned down version? Holy ****!

Doubftul, considering he's the Champion and you're still in the mid 30s range in terms of overall level.

: "Do you know where he went?

Elder: "I believe he went to the east, to get back to Ever Grande and try to get the help of the Elite Four."

... Guys I want you to imagine this. The Elite Four vs. the Four Horsemen. It would be dumb as hell, but it would also be amazing.

"One more question - what is with those arms I can see behind you?"

Elder: "Oh! You can see them? You must have the second sight. Those arms are my psychic power. They are invisible to most people. Now, I believe I promised you a battle. If you win, I shall make a gift to you!"

: "You're on!"

That's actually pretty cool. I mean, the game is going to have to give us a plot progression item for this but I can tell it's just going to be rad.

OH GOD

We bask in the presence of Wobbuffet, the destroyer of worlds. His immense health combined with his counter-attacks can and will annihilate you. If this was anybody other than Reggie, the primary debuffer of the crew, it would have gone down south fast. He also tries to screw you over with Destiny Bond, so if you're not careful you're going to be out one mon no matter how well you performed.

Reggie puts him in his place with relative ease, however. The elder is honestly one of the best opponents so far because he's not messing around and you shouldn't either.

JESUS CHRIST, HE HAS A CELEBI!

How in the world did the Elder get Celebi? One of the rarest Pokemon behind Mew? Alright, that's it - the elder is one of the best trainers in the game.

This guy's pretty tough too, because even with a 4x weakness, he only took a minor amount of damage from Leech Life.

... Despite that, Celebi went down easily too. It's not even like a contest - Reggie ripped through both of them in no time flat. You're a killer, my rastafarian Parasect.

"You have defeated even my Celebi, the Pokemon of Time. You are mighty indeed. Take this as your reward."

Yellow Vespa? What is that? Let me look it up.

OH DAMN THIS IS WHAT WE GOT

"That was a gift to the Monastery from Gym Leader Haruko. She has a lot of them. Apparently, they can go very fast - fast enough to scale mudslides."

Ooooooh. Let's use it when we get out of the Tower!

Aw, here we go.

YEAAAAAAAA BOI

Yes, the Yellow Vespa is the replacement for the Mach Bike in this. Rad. It's also another reference to FLCL if I'm not mistaken.

Before we go down the road to plot, however, let's make our way back to Mt. Chimney.

... What the hell is that yellow thing in the corner there?

Oh, it's a... merchant? I... Okay, let's buy a Chikuwa.

EDIT: It took me a while to notice, but this thing is actually Don Patch from Bobobobo. One of my friends brought it up to me and I was just like "no way."

... Oooh. That'll be very useful.

By the way, Chikuwa are a real thing. They're a Japanese tube food made out of fish surumi, salt and other such things. Since they replace the Lava Cookie from the original game, I'm buying a lot of them.

Yeah, you needed the Yellow Vespa otherwise or you couldn't get past the mudslide right there.

: "Dude, a ton of people I've passed through in just today alone have tried to fight me to 'regain their strength'. It doesn't go down well, man."

: "Yeah, I'm sorry but I'm not a good practice partner. I can refer you to a Poke Center just down the path here..."

If Famine, your master, runs away from me the way he does because he's not strong enough, then you don't even have a snowball's chance in hell.

I would jump in to help, but that can wait a bit. See you for part 3.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie,

, Level 32, has Leftovers,

/

) - Is chilling like a baller

(Bellamine,

, Level 35,

) - "Although I don't trust that Chloe girl, I'm impressed by how complex this is turning. Stay on your toes, everyone."

(Ambes,

, Level 30,

) - "I can't believe Ice Punch has become so useful..."

(Zagon,

, Level 31, has Plus Band,

) - Is overwhelmed by the plot

(Ace,

, Level 36, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - Came back from extensive training

(Tohru,

, Level 32,

/

) - "I'm not sure if I can follow these turn of events but as long as I have opponents to crush, you won't hear a complaint out of me."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Benedict, level 18,

/

) - * is spinning on its own axis *

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "... So Gleis is a bad guy, meow? I'm not sure who to trust aside from Jack, really."

(Jeanne,

, level 18,

) - "This is getting kind of scary, really. A master that's more powerful than the Four Horsemen? I don't think I really want to know."

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Is sitting alongside Cherry

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - "Guys, is it just me or is this adventure getting a bit... ridiculous?"

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - Is blushing heavily from the talk he had with Ambes

(Letro, level 15,

/

) - "DIFFICULTY SPIKE DETECTED. PROCEED WITH CAUTION, BEEP BOOP BZZT."

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - "So, your name is Beatrice, is it?"

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - "Yes. It's a beautiful day, isn't it?~"

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "... Ambes took down an Onix with his fists. Wicked."

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "He really is the coolest brother we've ever had!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 14 - The Horseman of War
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

No time to waste, let's jump straight into the action.

Chef: "GOOOOOOH!"

[He disappears]

Oh damn. Why didn't we think of that?

"Those chefs are tough, aren't they? But they're easy to kill without their Munchlax and Kirlia protecting them. Care to battle me and get your strength up?"

: "You're on."

Jemima, huh? Let's just see this "Zangol".

AWWWWWWW ****

Zangol evolves from Zangoose at level 55, but let's not let the obvious hax distract us from this. Zangol is one of the best Fakemon in this entire hack, bar none, thanks to an excellent Attack stat and a cool design. This Zangol in particular knows Mega Kick, which will probably leave everything in a crater stained with blood so bring your best.

: ("Bring it on.")

Perfect.

[Ace used Wing Attack!]

It's decided.

(By the way, this is why Ace was such a higher level than everybody else. He kept getting one-shotted by Mega Kick, and I could not accept it. So I kept at it until everything was just right.)

: ("Good game, Zangol.")

I am speechless at how cool this was.

"You're really strong. I don't think you even needed to fight me. Well, I'm off."

You're goddamn right.

[Current audio in-game: Route 113]

hnnng gen 3 has so many good songs

Let's see what this "Blighted Way" has in store for us. You would think the snow would fall here too, but nope.

... Uh-oh. That's not a good sign. Seriously, who is the sick skunt going around and decapitating everything?

Oh no, this one's alive!

(well, as alive as a zombie can be)

UGHHH THEY'RE BACK

Remember what Letro said back in Chapter 13's team-setup? Difficulty spike ahead? Well, guess what?

This entire ****ing area is filled with Eye-Eyes. That, and they've gotten much deadlier than before because they have access to Ice Punch, Psychic, Sweet Kiss (confuses) and Lovely Kiss (puts you to sleep). If you don't bring a good Fire or Bug type, this place is going to be Ninth Circle of Hell for you.

Even though Tohru is being a total beast right now, he can't last long in these conditions. Let's retreat for a bit.

Jeanne, you're up.

: ("Wow Jack, really? I'd be happy to go with you!")

[Commence giant grinding session that took me three hours]

Fire Pump is essentially Flamethrower under a different name (only has 8 PP unfortunately), and due to Ninetales being a Stone Evolution, she has to learn it as a Vulpix. I don't care - now that she has this along with Sunny Day, she's going to be an utter nightmare.

You ready, Jeanne?

: ("Of course, Jack! Let's do it!")

Now let's melt some ice.

: ("With pleasure.")

Oh no, whatever shall I do.

: ("I let you off with a light roasting.")

Oh Jeanne, you're a doll.

: ("You, on the other hand, might require a bit more than embers.")

Yeah, no kidding. This Eye-Eye is like the strongest of them all. I would have like quit the game if Jeanne wasn't able to beat it.

Eleven level difference? What's that? They're both level 41 to me.

: ("... My flames... are nothing compared to what awaits you, monster... good riddance.")

holy **** this was down to the wire

Like just look at that. Everybody is getting their chance to shine in this episode and it's glorious.

I'm not so desensitized that I'd ignore a man in need.

Hahahaha.

This isn't even a warm-up.

: "Everybody gets one."

Now all Jack needs is a Spiderman mask.

Of course it is.

There was a Max Ether in the spot Jack is facing, but I didn't screencap it. Sorry.

"Halt, civilian! Fallarbor has been requisitioned by the Inquisition as our headquarters!"

That's a mouthful.

Yes, good. Less Hombone.

Oh ****! Zagon's down. I guess that's what I deserve for not bringing Tohru out.

But Jeanne decides to take the revenge shot anyway.

"Wait! You're that strong kid, aren't you? Damn, the Boss will kill me..."

Damn right.

Now let's stop messing around and go to Fallarbor already.

There's Inquisition everywhere.

And I do mean

EVERYWHERE.

But hey, this is the first real shop we've been to in a while so I can't really complain.

: "What's good, my man?"

They sell Super Repels and Revives. Hallelujah.

"Hello, Jack. Glad you could make it. The chefs and heads didn't make the journey too hard, I hope?"

: "No, it was okay. There were a couple of tough heads but otherwise it was fine."

Silly Jack, they were all tough. If Jeanne wasn't there, you literally could not have won.

Chloe: "Good. Well, I'll get out of your way. You can find me later at my house. And..."

: "Yeah?"

"She said she'd heard you'd be here. Her name was --"

: "Alicia?!"

That woman never leaves us alone, I swear.

Chloe: "Yeah, that's her! Well, see you around."

[Chloe leaves the Poke Center]

: "... If Alicia is here... that might not be a good thing. Oh screw it, I have time to kill."

Yes.

This is really a mini-game where Jack can partake in a drinking contest between these Inquisition footmen. It's luck-based whether he wins or not, but the reward is sweet.

"Jack swallowed the Magmar Whiskey with aplomb, with nary a sign of drunkenness. What a drinker!"

"Jack felt a little woozy after what Magmar Whiskey... It's strong stuff."

The effects of the alcohol shows the more you go on. Like one of these guys can actually ralph their lunch all over the table.

"Jack drunkenly steals the wallets of the two Inquisition footmen!"

You know, for all of the **** Jack gets throughout this entire adventure, this is wonderful karmic payback.

[Jack falls down from all of the alcohol he ingested - only to be brought back later by Bellamine]

: ("Jack, don't do that. You had us going.")

: "... Sorry about that. I just sort of need a break from all of this madness, you know?"

: ("I understand, but destroying your liver isn't the right way to do it.")

: "It was a one time thing - I'll never do it again. Let's just get out of here."

"No it isn't."

Footman #1: "Uh, yes it is."

This is the Move Tutor's house, by the way. He was apparently one of the people that were eaten by the zombies. God damn it.

OH ****, HE'S PACKING!

[Jack ducks and covers]

"Is it checkmate now?"

Footman #1: "O-okay, that's not checkmate..."

I find this bit kinda funny, actually.

"The citizens of Fallarbor were all devoured some time ago. It's very sad, but it gave us this spot to move our main base to - the Island of Calm is too weird for us to stay there long. Otherwise we end up like -"

: "The Deadly More-than-Seven?"

Footman: "Yeah. [Shudders]"

So the Island of Calm is what drove the Deadly Seven insane? Watch this get contradicted spectacularly later on.

Let's go inside the (former) Contest Hall already.

"This area is about as secure as we can make it, but we're all still afraid we might face death at any moment. Literally."

... Literally?

"Jack!"

: "Alicia! What are you doing here?"

: "I... rethought my allegiances. I've decided to abandon the Horsemen. I'm going to help you!"

: "That's great! So, can you please tell me exactly what is going on?"

: ("... Oh please, don't tell me you're going to fall for th--")

: "What?!"

: "Hear me out. We were partners, both working for Lord Gravetric - the ruler of the Underworld. He was deposed by the Four Horsemen. We fought against them at the Lord's side, but in the end we couldn't win. They collapsed your house on us. I got out alive, but I thought you were dead. I had no choice but to work for the Horsemen."

... So Jack worked for the bad guy?

"So I lost my memory when the house collapsed on us..."

: "That must be what happened."

: "But why didn't Prof. Birch tell me any of this?"

: "He didn't want your family and friends to worry about you, or try to stop you in your work."

... So we worked for a dark overlord with the edgiest title and Birch didn't want to stop us from doing so. This smells like utter horse****.

: "I see... It explains how everybody knew me. And where does Meteor fit in?"

: "You and he had a contract. The Dragons would fight alongside us against the Horsemen in return for you persuading Lord Gravetric to release his daughter from prison."

: "This is getting really weird. Meteor has a daugher in prison?"

: "Yes. She tried to break out of Underworld and into this world - something that only Deathcallers and the Lord are allowed to do."

I have a very sinking feeling this contradicts some established Pokemon lore. Even if it isn't, it feels so out of place and dumb considering the setting.

: "I see... so what do we do now?"

: "I think you know that the Four Horsemen are engaged in combat with Gleis and his forces in the east. Those forces are the zombie rebels that still serve Lord Gravetric. We have to stop the Four Horsemen here, so that no more of their lives are lost!"

My interest in this story is waning steadily.

: "The Horsemen are using Meteor Falls as their base of operations. We need to infiltrate it and take them down."

: "Okay!"

Jack, not even your optimism can save this. I'm sorry.

"When you are ready, come and find me. It'll just be like old times!"

[Alicia walks offscreen]

Well, that was a massive plot dump. Let's just get out of here.

Let's go visit the Fossil Maniac's house.

"Fuahahaha! My brother, now dead, was once a Fossil Maniac. He dug out a maze of tunnels. Can YOU find your way through the catacombs to find the treasure I have hidden within? Fuahahaha!"

... A maze? Well, let's try it out.

For the love of everything that is good and decent in this world, NO NO NO

You're essentially walking in the dark for this entire thing, and the worst part is that this place is ****ing enormous. I swear to god I started to panic when I got a fair amount in because I was scared that I couldn't find the exit. As far as I'm concerned there is no map for this.

If the Fallarbor theme wasn't playing, I would have lost my mind a long time ago.

By some divine act, I managed to find to find the treasure in a short amount of time. It was not worth it.

Cutlerine, you're too much of a troll with this game I swear.

Inquisition grinding is always good.

"This tree is made entirely from painted diamond. The Hombone won't be cutting this any time soon."

Oh, what a shame.

Free Riesen if you want one. Let's go drop by Chloe's house like we promised.

"Jack! Good to see you. Let me get straight to the point: I have a favor to ask you."

: "Yeah?"

Chloe: "The Four Horsemen. I know, are using Meteor Falls as their hideout. We are going to storm it."

: "Seriously?"

Chloe: "That's right. You and Alicia are going to go in first, since you're way stronger than any of us. Find your way straight to the Horsemen and take them down. The full force of the Inquisition will be behind you to protect you two from the zombies they'll summon. Just get to the Horsemen. If I can spare anyone, I'll send you back-up."

: "It won't be necessary. Alicia and I will handle this!"

He sure is faithful regarding Alicia. Never does it cross his mind that she might not be telling the truth.

: "Yeah?"

Chloe: "Don't listen to the Deadly Seven. They'll only drive you insane."

: "Oh. Er, okay."

[Fade to black]

Well, that advice would have been a lot more useful a few chapters ago.

... Yeah, that's actually good advice. Don't do that.

Also, say hello to a new badass. Valor will be part of the wrecking crew from now on.

"We all only use the Rock type, because it symbolizes a cold heart and ruthlessness, which we need to kill the zombified corpses of former friends and family."

... Wow.

That's a legitimately cool idea. I mean, it's a powerful meaning that could be better utilized in a story that's not bat**** insane.

* Discussion intensifies *

"Come on! We've got to stop the Four Horsemen, for our Lord and your revenge!"

Revenge? I thought I was here to kick ass without bias.

I love Meteor Falls, especially in the Hoenn remakes. I swear, if this hack didn't take place in Hoenn it would be nigh-unplayable for me. I'm just sayin'.

Oh no, it's the bruh zombies!

[We walk past with little effort]

Well, that was certainly intense.

"I'll see you on the lower floor. That's where the Horsemen will be."

[Alicia walks off]

Fun thing to note: There are no wild encounters in the area we are in right now for some reason.

Cool. This would be hella rad if we had like an Aggron or something but as far as things go, it's just less space in the TMs pocket.

Hey, why is Alicia beside Famine and Pestilence like that?

[Current audio in-game: Heavy Rainfall theme]

"Alicia, help me bring them down!"

...

: "Haha..."

: "Fufufu..."

: "Hahahahahaha!"

: "Fufufufufufufu!"

*OVERLY EXAGGERATED GENERIC VILLAIN LAUGH*

"... Oh! Wait. Oh no. Alicia?"

: "Watch who you call Alicia, brat."

: "Alicia?!"

: "I am no more Alicia than you. There never was any Alicia. I am War, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."

: "Yes! Everything was a lie. Everything I told you, from the moment we met in Oldale. We created the character of Alicia, lied about your past, in order to lure you here."

... Well then. We've been duped this entire time.

: "But... but... why?"

: "The leader of the forces in the east wanted you. So we stopped him. We faked your death, but before we could recover your body, you woke up and went with the damnable Birch. So I disguised myself as a human. Slowly, I gained your trust, and now you are here. And now you cannot escape."

: "It's all been... a lie..."

: "Indeed it was. We even placed subconcious messages that told you Alicia could not be a Horseman. My little sister told you in Verdanturf that she was the sole female member of the Four Horsemen, for example. All lies."

Poor Jack.

"Why does this dark lord of the east want me?"

: "We don't know. It is Meteor's duty to find out. His daughter was punished heavily for his straying to Dewford."

: "That bit is still true? Meteor's daughter has been locked up?"

: "Of course. How else would you control a dragon? They're far too temperamental and hot-blooded to be controlled without such brutish methods."

Wow, that's a side of Famine I didn't need to know about.

"So I'm a victim, Meteor's a victim. I guess there's only one person I can trust around here aside from my Pokemon. I don't need your help, Alicia - or War, whatever you call yourself."

[Theme changes over to the Psychic Encounter theme but I feel this scene would go better with Live-A-Live's main theme instead]

"I'll end this zombie war and find my brother! I'll free Meteor's daughter and restore Hoenn to all of its former glory!"

This man has a will of iron and the heart of a lion.

: "Quite a speech for a little kid like you -"

... I... thought he was older?

: "Whatever. The point is, you don't stand a chance. Meteor didn't. Chloe didn't. Nor your brother."

: "I do."

Oh, Jack being a badass here makes up for every awful moment we've had so far.

: "I'm being serious. With the help of my Pokemon, I've defeated foes Chloe couldn't. I'm stronger than her. I defeated your corrupted Aerodactyl, Famine, when my brother couldn't. I'm stronger than him. And I defeated Meteor. I'm also stronger than him. Do you understand? I'm the strongest in Hoenn. Chloe told me so, and I can see it's true."

: "Perhaps. But we are the strongest in the universe. If you think you can take us on, I shall be your first opponent! I won't hold back - I intend to kill you!"

Let's settle this once and for all.

[Theme I would choose for this encounter: Young Nobleman of Madness]

... Oh boy. Now that she's dropped the Alicia persona, Horseman War is probably the most dangerous opponent so far and appropriately so. I love this final encounter - like top ten best legitimate fights in the entire game. It's something that's been developed ever since the start of the game and even though it's honestly not that big of a surprise, the way it was handled makes this final fight with War all the sweeter when you actually kick her ass.

If you can, level grind a bit before coming to Meteor Falls because Alicia/War is rocking some really high level Pokemon and all of them, even the weakest one, are lethal.

Her first mon is this Sableye. She'll try to fake you out with Protect and critical you with a Shadow Swipe (which is Ghost type, so watch out). Despite the threat, though, Sunny Day-boosted Jeanne managed to burn it into a pile of ash.

... Gigawolf sounds pretty badass. I wonder what it is?

It's Zoroark! Watch out for this crude dude!

Gigawolf is probably the biggest threat up War's sleeve. She's fast, strong and comes with Earthquake. In Snakewood, Gigawolf is the final evolution of Mightyena at Max Happiness - so that gives me some horrifying ideas as to how this thing came to like Alicia so much.

(In hindsight, I should have really gotten one for myself.)

Even Tohru, our premier fighting type, nearly died from her. Don't underestimate Gigawolf!

Banette was a cakewalk, but that's only because Ace and Bellamine were here.

Oh dear god.

Another demon ready to rip us in two. If this were Gen 6, I don't think we could handle fighting a Mega Gengar. Thank the ever loving lord that Reggie paralyzed her, otherwise we would have gotten into a giant Hypnosis trap.

Super tank Dusclops is now a reality. And by god, if I wasn't the debuff kind of guy, this would have been a nightmare.

... Perfect.

Confuse Ray + Sunny Day-boosted Flamethrower + Burn = See ya, ho!

Sneasel can evolve into Weavile in this hack, which is pretty cool. That said, though, Weavile is just as blistering in here as it is in the normal games. Watch your guard.

Even with a 4x weakness, she still chopped a large amount of Tohru's health out. But that doesn't matter because we've kicked Alicia's ass once and for all!

[Fade to black, followed by Rock Smash SFX]

...


What is that overworld sprite

: "What? We're expanding! It is natural, dear Death. We need to -"

: "SILENCE. YOU ARE NOT INTENDED TO INTERFERE WITH THE WORKINGS OF THE HUMAN WORLD. FOR THIS TRANSGRESSION, YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED. FOR NOW, RETURN."

: "No!"

: "No!"

: "No!"

[Fade to black followed by the other three Horsemen disappearing]

Oh my god his sprite is literally a skull on a black traffic cone.

: "I AM COMPLETELY IMPARTIAL. I COME TO ALL IN THE END. MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS ARE TRANSIENT, WEAK AND CORRUPTIBLE. I DO NOT HAVE DESIRES. HOWEVER, I HAVE ONE TASK. YOU ARE A PART OF THEIR PLAN. YOU MUST BE ELIMINATED."

: "Ah! Wait... Um... Bye!"

[Jack runs off to the side and jumps into the pool of water]

... did we just

... WHAT THE ****!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie,

, Level 33, has Leftovers,

/

) - Is currently unconscious

(Bellamine,

, Level 36,

) - "... Did we just outrun Death?"

(Jeanne,

, Level 36,

) - "This is getting a bit too silly for my tastes."

(Zagon,

, Level 33, has Plus Band,

) - Is scratching her head, very lost as to what just happened.

(Ace,

, Level 37, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - "I guess we just defied Death. I'd take any explanation to make this cooler, to be frank."

(Tohru,

, Level 36,

/

) - "... I don't even care anymore."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Benedict, level 18,

/

) - * hops up and down *

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "... I am soooo confused, meow. I just hope Jack doesn't get hurt!"

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Is slack-jawed at what just happened

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - "Yep, we've officially reached dumb."

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - Is hoping for Jack to come back to the Poke Center safely

(Letro, level 15,

/

) - "CANNOT CALCULATE LOGIC OF PLOT - CRITICAL ERROR! BEEP BOOP BZZT!"

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - "... You're not so bad, Bea."

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - "You're a charmer yourself, Cherry~"

(Ambes,

, Level 30,

) - "... What the heck just happened?!"

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "I have no idea, Ambes."

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "It was cool though."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

The episodes for today are strange. One is an actual continuation of the story and the other is a non-canon episode that I originally made as a Halloween special back where this let's play was originally put up. I guess the next time Halloween rolls around it'll be relevant again, but whatever.

Chapter ?? - Season of the Jack
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

... Yes, I'd like to order some pizza.

Oh wait, this isn't a pizza line.

"I haven't heard from you in ages! Oh! You're tying the knot? Congratulations, man!"

Apparently we were just called by our best buddy and he's getting married. Cool, cool.

[Definitely not Professor Oak sends out a Nidoran

for some reason]

"I'll tell my brother. We're coming for sure. No, don't worry about that, we've got that covered... We'll leave first thing in the morning."

We're going to go see our friend off? Sure, why not. I get dibs on the first slice of the cake!

Decision time? Decision time.

I like the sprite, even if it's a bit silly looking.

And yes, the name is based off of another wolfman from a game I like.

Now we just need some Super Bone Brothers and the experience would be complete.

"Fenrich! GET UP! START PACKING!"

... You don't have to yell, jeez. I'm going already.

[Current audio in-game: Bloody Tears]

The song is a bit loud in the game, but I like it because it's Bloody Tears. Anyway, this is our new house? Pretty nice, all things considered.

I'm a wolf-man because it's Halloween, I suppose.

... Although my transformation is not exactly complete.

Now I can't help but imagine a cheesy/adorable Halloween-themed special involving a Pikachu. I don't know why.

: "Hey, thanks for coming. I sent your brother to go get me a drink, but he hasn't come back yet. I'm feeling quite thirsty, could you please run to the store for me in his place?"

: "Sure. -- I wonder what happened to Renji? --"

The game will refer you as Oz regardless of what you put in, so let's just call him Fenrich instead.

[Dirk disappears]

[Current audio in-game: ???]

I swear I remember this song from somewhere, but for now I don't know where it's from. With that said, we've moved into a rural little town by the name of Batmen. Where it rains all of the time.

Sadly, there is no Batman unless you count Dirk as a bat-man.

"Ew... Why do you run around as a wolfman? Don't you have, like, a human form?"

Isn't the point of Halloween that I'm wearing a costume? Silly girl.

"Hey... do you want a Blood Beer? I found one under this bush."

: "Ew... No. What are you doing crawling around like that, anyway?"

Guy & Fenrich: "....."

Guy: "Do you want a Blood Beer? They're awesome, man."

: "... Later."

Blood Beer sounds pretty nasty, honestly. Stick to the local brew.

This rock does not do anything, unfortunately. Then again, what was I expecting? It's a rock.

We promised Dirk we'd get a drink, so let's go into the bar.

[Current audio in-game: ???]

OH GOD MY EARS

The song in here is really loud even at 50% volume! I'm sorry but you could have toned the volume down a bit on this one, jeez!

Also, oh no there are dead old men.

Let's ignore the corpses and get ourselves a drink.

: "... Uh, thank you?"

Alright, cool. Now that we have the Blood Beer(™), let's go back outside.

"You need to go away. Seriously, don't go in there, son. My god, I don't even understand why the hell there's a graveyard around here. Aren't you guys, like, all immortal? Who is buried here!?"

The guard asks all of the right questions.

... Admittedly, Oz/Fenrich is right. Graveyards are giant spooky tourist attractions, especially around Halloween.

Guard: "Yeah, probably. Anyway, I'm going to go now. Y'all be a good little wolf and don't go in there, promise? Toodles!"

: "--My god...--"

Well, he turned into a giant fruitcake midsentence. Despite this, he doesn't move.

Surely, there's something cool in here?

[Current audio in-game: ???]

This song isn't as loud and I like it the most out of all of the custom songs here, even if I still don't know what it is. There's another dead old man and a fellow who looks like he jumped out of Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald. Let's talk to him.

"Hello there! Something bothering you, son? A guy that looks like you who's taller than you and more muscular? Yeah, a guy like that was just here. He left and headed in the direction of the forest. Probably went to go chase some squirrels."

Thank you kindly, random NPC.

But first, let's go up here to see... Dirk? What's he doing up here?

... Oh? But I didn't even know we had a Pokemon? Thanks anyway.

[Current audio in-game: River City Ransom - A Tough Fight]

... Interesting choice of music. I like the song in here too, but I wish the volume wasn't so high on it.

I'll spoil you - there doesn't seem to be anything in the forest here, but I can show off wild encounters.

Killerjack appeared!

You can't have a good Halloween special without evil pumpkins.

... We sent ourselves out. And we have a LOL for a back sprite. What a silly-ass game.

We beat the Killerjack by biting it, which must have tasted good.

We are also apparently a Dark/Ice Bulbasaur?

Okay, cool, whatever, I'm just rolling with it.

However, now that the guard is out of the way, let's go to the Graveyard. Post haste, I don't want to miss the skeleton dance.

It has the same music as the forest, strangely enough.

And hey, Dirk is here!

"You mind telling me what's going on in this crazy town? Renji just disappeared or something... And seriously, why does all of the grass look the same?!"

: "Calm down... I can explain. I'm not really getting married... I wanted you guys to come here because there have been a crapload of hunters and drug dealers around here lately."

Oz/Fenrich has the perfect reaction to this. But I think what bothers me the most is that there's no cake.

: "Yeah, long story short: the people who keep moving into this town scare the bat crap out of me."

Aaaaand he just disappears. Typical.

Let's go climb over this hedge. (activates walkthruwalls cheat)

... Huh? There's actually an area over here. For what was supposed to be an inaccessible place, it's surprisingly detailed.

Jumping off of these ledges with Walk Through Walls on counts as jumping off of normal ledges. Strange.

Oh look, there's a guy here. He actually says something, too.

: "Huh? I won't eat you."

Strange Boy: "... Don't mess with us..."

: "... You're crazy."

My boy tells it like it is.

Strange Boy: "You are the one ravaged by madness, demon! Your blood I will spill! It will be the delicious marmalade on the victory bread of humans!"

This guy just went full Fawful on us.

: "RAWR!"

[His sprite disappears]

Self-fulfilling prophecies sure are a *****, aren't they?

Still, we just straight up ate a dude. I don't know how to feel about this?

Back in town, we... find ourselves long with Dirk? I swear there's some surrealist metaphor attached to this.

Anyway, our clone doesn't do anything special. But Dirk will be happy to hand us a Blood Beer, which makes me question why I had to get him one in the first place.

Next place of interest is this lone grave. Doesn't look so special, you might ask? Well, just take a look.

[Falling SFX that is drowned out by the music]

HOLY **** THE GRAVE ATE US AAAAAA

... Oh. We just fell down a grave Zelda-style. I'm surprised this was here, actually.

I mean, it looks the same as any of the other graves and it was in a closed off area, so you got me. This place also shares the Bloody Tears theme, but I feel this theme would be more appropriate.

There's nothing else in this cave, by the way. Just go down the stairs.

[A ghostly voice echoes throughout the cave]

: ("... Wake up... Please wake up...")

: "What in the world was that? ... I need to get out of here."

After two floors, we come to what I assume is the final floor. Now, watch out because there's actually wild encounters down here.

Such as this cute little bat and the honestly kinda freaky looking zombie Rattata thing.

They'll wreck you if you don't properly train up Oz the Pokemon, but they shouldn't be that hard to get rid of.

: "Huh? Who are you? And didn't you know there's an exit?"

: "...."

: "It's okay. Hey, you didn't happent to see a guy that kind of looks kinda like me, did you?"

: "No. Sorry... But I have a feeling you won't find him for a while..."

: "Huh?"

: "It's the end of the Demo!"

What is this "demo" you speak of?

: ("... Jack... Jack...")

: "Huh? What-- WHOA!"

[Wild battle starts]

OH **** A LEVEL 36 GARDE--

Wait. That Gardevoir looks very familiar... It can't be!

[Flash of light, followed by a hard thud noise]

: "Ooogh... What happened? Where was I?"

... Great question, Jack.

: ("You passed out, Jack. All of the alcohol you drank combined with the fight against the Horsemen made you go out like a light.")

: "... I fell asleep? Well, that explains everything."

: ("You gave everybody a tremendous scare. Thankfully you're alright, but please be more careful if you decide to drink.")

: "Yeah, sorry about that... I guess it might not be a good thing to note that there were things like Blood Beer in my dream."

: ("What was the dream about, anyway? I came in at about the end.")

: "Well, I was a werewolf called Fenrich. Then there were dead old men... along with Dirk the vampire man. And then some chick at the bottom of a grave told me "the demo is over". That and there were pumpkins called Killerjacks. It was weird."

: ("... Admittedly, it does sound fun.")

: "Yeah, it kind of was."

: "Unfortunately, we're back in reality."

: ("... Yes. Let's go, Jack.")

With that said, that ends off the Halloween episode of Pokemon Snakewood.

I'm not going to throw up the team setup as this was a non-canon episode, but I should credit the people who made the rom hack for today's episode: They go by Neko Jams, and they made this short little Fire Red romhack for Halloween 2013. It has no name, but I figured it would be a fair amount of fun to go through for a "something completely different" joke episode.

That, and you have no idea how confused I was getting the codes for Bellamine to appear in the Halloween rom hack. Like sometimes I got an invalid code and it didn't work? I dunno.

Chapter 15 - Psychic Dragon Egg?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Sigh. Last time on Pokemon Snakewood, we escaped the Grim Reaper - master of the forces of life and death - just by jumping into a conveniently placed submarine.

That was the first and last time we ever are going to see Death in Snakewood. He makes this giant speech about how he has a mission to destroy us due to being associated with the Horsemen's plans yet he never pops up again, not even as a passing remark.

This game, I swear. At least it's playing the Abandoned Ship theme again, so that's good.

... Wait a sec. The submarine belonged to Usher too? What a wonderfully contrived reunion.

: "Er, hi Usher. Is there a prison in east Hoenn?"

Usher: "There is. There's the Maximum Security Vault, which used to be the Weather Institute until the Four Horsemen took it over."

So they changed the Weather Institute into a prison. I... what?

Usher: "I was stuck on the rocks for a long time. I've gathered a good current knowledge of Hoenn."

... Uh, how? You've been stuck on a busted submarine with no way of knowing what's happening above the water for how long? I find this to be just a tad implausible.

: "... Riiiight. Can you drop me off at the prison?"

Usher: "Of course! But I'll have to ask another favor of you. Please go down to the lower floors and fix the service elevators. I can't get anywhere without them."

I'm pretty sure the only person that even lives in the submarine aside from Usher is the Inquisition guy that's trying to hide here... so of course we have to play the role of mechanic.

"It might work if the power was reactivated."

Oh right, this is what we needed Letro for. Be right back.

But hey, we're not going anywhere any time soon. Let's take a quick nap. I mean, this place is probably the safest shelter in the entire Hoenn region at this point.

"This Pokeball dispenser might be coaxed into cooperation with a whack from the Arclight Spanner. Whack it?"

Now I have this ridiculous image in my head of Jack being a mafia legbreaker that busts up vending machines. But hey, it gives us free Pokeballs. Always useful.

Goddamn Letro, you're behind.

: ("I AM SORRY JACK, YOU HAVE NOT TAKEN ME OUT TO FIGHT ANYTHING. BZZT.")

: "That's true. Ambes sort of stole the role as our premier Electric type for a while... but hey, you'll get your time to shine soon."

: ("EXCELLENT.")

"The electricity coursed through the old elevator, returning it to full power!"

Alright, something goes our way for once. This mini-event is pretty cool, given how Cutlerine prepares you for it by swarming you with Magnemite beforehand.

s.s crab, first class

Oh right, this place is a ****hole.

Oooooh! We just got lucky. After finding this, Jack is now able to use all of the computers that previously required a log-in in the submarine.

What does this one say?

"//Logged in as: U.HOUSE
///// Accessing Submarine data ////

Status: Critical failure
Personnel: Neutralized
Oxygen: Two days remaining
Cargo: 100%
R.H.I.N.O: 230% capacity
Cake stocks: Low"

Personnel neutralized? Well that explains where everybody went. I have no idea what R.H.I.N.O stands for and Cake stocks is just Cutlerine being an idiot, but it also means these people ate cake to survive on this submarine.

Oxygen level is kind of unsettling because what if Jack didn't "coincidentally" drop in to help Usher? Mother****er would have died grasping for a last breath before dropping like a lead weight. Pretty terrifying, to be frank.

This is also what all of the computers say except for the one that gives you the login configuration.

Aw sweet.

This is technically the second apocalyptic log Jack has come across (*cough*chapter3*cough*), only this one was written down digitally.

... Man, looking back at the earlier parts of this let's play, I sort of yearn for the time when this game was mediocre but promising.

"Day 1: Everything is going very well. I have to say, I never thought a wind-powered submarine would work, but I'm favorably impressed. R.H.I.N.O seems of excellent quality, too."

"Day 15: I can't quite escape the feeling that the submarine is a bit confining. Still, I supposed that's to be expected on a little research submarine. I think I'll go and stretch my legs now."

"Day 22: I think someone in the submarine has turned against me. I found my equipment smashed to pieces this morning, and several other scientists have found the same. Something's not right here..."

"Day 37: I don't know what's going on anymore. Jeff didn't survive the night, and I don't think Percival can last much longer either. When will the games stop?"

"Day 56: R.H.I.N.O a331 hv03 KO Usher ple hv06 67.111 aa dying qwerqwijdpasjdpdfajspasfplaskm - TARGET ELIMINATED"

Christ almighty. Just what the hell happened on this submarine before we got here? The fact this never gets answered no matter how far we progress in the game makes this all the more horrifying.

Enough messing around with computers and people's dying requests. Let's just keep going.

It may seem odd, but Ditto is required for another event - hence why the game suddenly throws you a ton of them now.

Obligatory Skullgirls reference.

That teleporter is what we need a Ditto for, hence the reason for Double's existence. (along with being the go-to banger if we ever need breeding for some reason)

Rad. Let's use the teleporter, then.

Uh, where did we just wind up?

... I am not even going to question this for the sake of whatever sanity I have left.

"Thank you! The elevator seems to be running now. If we ever meet again, I doubt I will be in my office now that I can move around in the Submarine. Here, let me drop you off in Fortree."

: "Thanks. See you around, Usher. "

[Teleporting SFX followed by fade to black]

Usher is now behind the Sages as the coolest people left in Hoenn that aren't Jack.

Valor, you're up. You stay behind, Zagon. You've earned a rest.

: ("Oh wow. Thank you, Jack. I was kind of losing it back there... Hey, Valor? Take my Plus Band, please. Be careful out there.")

: ("Don't you worry, babe. I won't even get a scratch.")

Awww. With that out of the way, let's get moving.

To compensate for not having Zagon, Tohru takes up swimming lessons.

And now Valor can spontaneously turn into a piece of iron to crush people. Metal.

We got dropped off at Fortree but there's no way in from this side. Sigh. I guess we just have to go around the long way.

Oh hey, a zombie. A refreshing sight compared to what we've seen in the past few updates. Let's go up to her and say hello.

... Wait, what?

The zombies have gotten an upgrade it seems. No more wimpy zombie boys and ghost girls, we're getting hardcore up in this son of a *****.

She has this dude that can Thor's Hammer your face in.

Thankfully, Jeanne was blessed by the Random Number Goddess to end the fight quickly.

ARE THEY SENDING OUT DEATH

... Oh. Never mind. It's just a horribly recolored palatte swap of Scyther. Just have Ace hit it with some Wing Attacks, it should go down without a fight.

Well, it is three levels higher and Ace has no real stand-out offense beyond his usual set.

: "Er, okay. You Battle Zombies are obviously a little tougher than the usual kind."

This got more complicated and ridiculous at the same time. My primary question is what even happened that made the zombies stronger?

Yeah, this is going to be an asshole fight isn't it.

Holy crap, this dude is ripped for a dead guy. What kind of super steroids did they inject into this dude to make him so big?

I would play the RUDE CRUDE DUDES alarm here as we have no appropriate counter for Azombarill and there's no real grinding area around here...

But Bellamine has this covered.

Also, the zombie trainers feed their Pokemon rotting livers which is all kinds of barf-o-rama.

Thankfully, this dude never attacked. He just kept using Defense Curl to power up Rollout or something. Bellamine blew his head up with Psychic, therefore putting him out of his misery.

LARRY!

You are the best, dude.

Now when Benedict evolves, we can use this to turn them into something super cool.

Bring it on, asshole!

[Theme I would use for Miasmar and the Battle Zombies in general: Bellyache Battle]

Alright, a recolor that's actually pretty damn cool. The fire on its hand is a nice touch.

Miasmar here is dangerous, as he can negate the rain with Sunny Day and roast anybody that gets in his way with Fire Pump (Flamethrower). Just one use ripped Tohru down to 49 HP.

: ("I'm surprised you even stood up to one blow before. You zombies are pests.")

Rad as hell.

... I know in Chapter 3.5 that I said the zombies were becoming more intelligent, but for ****'s sake I WAS KIDDING

IT'S ACTUALLY A THING NOW

oh please don't be something gross

Oh hey! It left Flash... which would sort of explain why the screen is so oversaturated.

Believe it or not, Flash got a buff in Snakewood. It's now an Electric move that does 40 damage, but the accuracy is so pitiful (75%) that you may as well not even bother.

Anyway, now that we're inside of the former Weather Institute, let's talk to that fellow that's not a steroid-ridden corpse.

"Help me! This used to be my Weather Institute. But these monsters took it over to hold some hostage here. If you've come this far into East Hoenn, you must be strong. That is why I ask you: please get rid of these monsters for me!"

: "I'm amazed you even lived this long. People like you usually get chomped, so that's a pleasant surprise. I'll drive out the undead for you, man."

Oh gee, I guess I'd better listen and back off th-- NO!

That's what I have to say to your awful Gandalf impression.

More like "Jack gets Bellamine to catch the blade and telekinetically stabs the Battle Zombie in the head with it."

Because trust me, that would be a much better way to deal with this.


There's a bed in the corner - if you have a death wish, you can take a power nap while the extra dangerous zombies swarm around the area.

Wait a goddamn second. This dude's asshole levels are rocketing up the charts. Just what does he have that's such a threat?

[Theme I would use for Gorelax: Cannibal Boss]

Gorelax not only looks pretty gruesome with a Former Chef exploding out of him Chestburster-style, but he's one of the most pain-in-the-ass zombie Pokemon to deal with. Body Slam is so powerful that even Tohru aches from it, despite having the bulkiest health bar out of the entire team. Gorelax can even use Rest to completely restore his health, so don't be surprised if you're doing well and suddenly he goes back up to green.

Be prepared if you're going up against this one zombie, because you'll regret it otherwise.

Tohru puts Gorelax out of his misery by busting the Chef's head into red paste.

Moving on, we have another person who thinks they're a hot shot by stopping Jack in his tracks.

Valor shows them a thing or two.

...

Remember when this was supposed to be a serious story? Oh right, I can't remember either.

Ambes was here for some reason. He kicked ass. That's all that matters.

AWWWWW YEAH

Ace has a signature move based off of his own name now. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Oh hey, Gleis is here... OH **** GLEIS IS HERE!

: "You can't fool me, Gleis. You're not on my side at all, are you?

: "That's inconvenient. You know far too much. I shall have to defeat you and bring you to my master."

: "Forget it! I came here for one reason and one reason only: to free Meteor's daughter. If you choose to get in my way, it'll be you who goes down!"

Jack sure is focusing too much on these objectives that random people give him. Then again, what else does he have to cling to in this awful story?

"You've never actually seen Meteor's daughter, have you?"

: "What?"

: "Fufu... You'll see. Now, let's see if you match your words with power!"

[Theme I will use for Gleis: Dark Boy]

Gleis was a bad guy all along. Well, what did you expect with a guy that constantly speaks in red text? He sure had me fooled for a bit though, cause he really did seem like a cool dude helping Jack and all.

Haunter is no real threat.

... I say as Bellamine nearly dies from getting criticalled. A minor setback.

QWILSHARK

Yep, this is what Qwilfish evolves into in Snakewood, ladies and gentlemen.

This is a massive improvement to Qwilfish in the normal games, as Qwilshark is a beast. It has monster Attack and Speed, along with some nasty attacks like Poison Slash and so on. This is ultimately what Ballin evolves into, but hasn't been able to get that far thanks to the focus being shifted around on everybody else.

Bellamine swats him out of existence with a Psychic, though. I don't think the critical was necessary, but it's karmic payback for the critical she received.

History repeats with these two, of course.

A CLIMACTIC SHOWDOWN! RIVAL VS RIVAL!

Seviper got a bit of a boost in Snakewood. It is now

/

, so Bellamine would have been completely useless against this dude even if she gained a Fairy typing. Worst of all, Seviper gets an evolution in this hack that makes it even more dangerous.

For now, though?

: ("Let's get this party started.")

[Valor used Slash!]

: ("You didn't stand a chance.")

Alakazam is pretty hard, but with proper planning and a good Dark type you should be able to beat him.

I have neither, so Valor just rips his face off.

Oh, and I refused to teach him Taunt because at the time there was no real way I could have been able to use it properly. A fatal mistake, as you're going to witness in Chapter 19.

Hey asshole, your Pokemon were the ones that did all of the fighting. You didn't do... Jack.

* gets chased out of the room with rotten tomatoes *

"I suppose you'll want some information? Some truth? Well, there's none to be found here. Though, if you wish, you can take Meteor's daughter."

Oh snap, just like that?

[Gleis disappears]

"Why did they need to take over this building just to house this egg? And why was Gleis here? He doesn't work with the Horsemen..."

All brilliant questions.

???: "I'm NOT just an egg."

: "What was that?!"

: "This egg can talk?"

: "The Four Horsemen imprisoned me in here because even now, unborn, I'm a powerful psychic. I could have called for help from anywhere but here the thunderstorm interferes with my abilities."

: "O-Okay... So what's your name?"

: "What's a name?"

: "Oh. Never mind then. Anyway, I'm going to take you back to Meteor. The Four Horsemen are gone now, and if I bring you back to him, I think he just might stop his destructive rampage."

This makes no sense because she had no problem saying the Four Horsemen and is fully conscious of her abilities as a psychic, yet doesn't even know what a name is and when Jack talks it confuses her. It's also unclear whether she was just a baby that was sealed into an egg or she was just not born yet.

Quality writing at its finest.

: "Talk about ungrateful."

Jack, you are truly a muffin in a dark world.

Speaking of which...

I'm taking a rest for real now. No power naps, an honest-to-goodness rest because it was like 4 in the morning when I finished this. See you later on the next episode.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie,

, Level 33, has Leftovers,

/

) - "So she's an unborn dragon with super psychic powers? Whatever, man."

(Bellamine,

, Level 37,

) - "Can I take care of Meteor's daughter?"

(Jeanne,

, Level 36,

) - "Next time I see that Gleis, consider him deep fried."

(Valor,

, Level 37, has Plus Band,

) - Feeling like a boss.

(Ace,

, Level 38, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - Practices his Aerial Ace on the zombies outside

(Tohru,

, Level 37,

/

) - "An egg, eh? Protect her at all costs, then."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Benedict, level 18,

/

) - * edges up to Meteor's Daughter while bouncing *

(Zagon,

, Level 33,

) - Takes a well-deserved rest next to Jack

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "The egg is pretty cute, meow. I can't wait to see what she looks like!"

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Is sleeping with Cherry sitting on his head

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - Tags Pumbloom

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - "Oh, I'm gonna get you!"

(Letro, level 15,

/

) - "I FIND IT IMPLAUSIBLE THAT METEOR'S DAUGHTER HAS ANY CONCEPT OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD GIVEN THAT SHE IS NOTHING MORE THAN AN EGG."

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - Is sleeping on top of Krusha's head

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - Goes out into the rain and starts singing

(Ambes,

, Level 30,

) - "Awwww. I hope we can get her back to her father soon. I mean, I sort of want to apologize for whacking his jester in the face."

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Don't touch her, Spark! She's a very important egg!"

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "What? Sis, I handle Benedict all of the time and I never break them."

(Helmaroc,

, Level 40,

/

) - Finally awakens from hibernation as lightning strikes outside
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[LowBaller]

Man this is the first time I have seen a Let's Play done this way! This is really well put together and the hack you are playing is just... AMAZING! Some of those edits are just jaw dropping! Keep up the good work! I'm really enjoying this!

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

Man this is the first time I have seen a Let's Play done this way! This is really well put together and the hack you are playing is just... AMAZING! Some of those edits are just jaw dropping! Keep up the good work! I'm really enjoying this!

Eyyyy, thanks for enjoying the series. Means a lot! :3c

I have a love it or hate it relationship with Snakewood, to be honest. Sometimes I really like the edits and the humor that Cutlerine puts in, but other times it's a pain in my ass. It strikes a very strange balance between good and annoying that I can't really pin down.

With that said though, let me put up some more updates!

Chapter 16 - Nonstop Battle Drama
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Last time on Snakewood, we just took down the Weather Institute and obtained a magic psychic dragon egg. Yeah, just roll with it.

Speaking of magic eggs, Reggie was given the bench for Benedict to get a spot in the limelight again. The Brain Link helps tremendously for what I'm doing, so I'm glad I went to get it back in Famine's Desert.

Hello, experience fodder.

Oh hey, a new zombie Pokemon. Not that it means much, considering his weakness to Flying and Psychic make him a giant sitting duck.

Upon defeating Poliwraith, Benedict gained the ability to use Egg Bomb... which essentially means they're an egg shooting other eggs that explode on contact.

Benedict's very existence is like some strange eldritch abomination that came out of like the Twilight Zone or something, I swear. I was going to yell "wow what the hell" but I felt it wouldn't have been enough to describe just how mind-boggling this is.

Oh wow, a Hyper Potion! I only have like 40 in my bag already.

: "Right. Jeanne, if you please?"

: ("Of course, Jack.")

[Jeanne burns the Battle Zombie to ashes]

Oh crap, I forgot we're surrounded by tall gra--

: [Runs out screaming while covered in flames - his Pokemon try to put him out]

Huh? What's attacking me here?

GO AWAY

The item that they're guarding is an Elixir, by the way. So there's that at least.

: "I'm well aware of this."

... What is going on with these names

He has a Breloom, though. Breloom is a pretty cool Pokemon all things considered. Fun fact, I was originally going to get a Shroomish for the team back in chapter 2 but how my saves worked made it so the Shroomish I caught never exist. It kept happening because I kept forgetting to save after I caught said Shroomish, so after a while I just gave up.

... Had a Breloom. God damn, Ace.

Of course we are. We're the main hero!

"Wait! Aren't you that strong kid who beat Tina and Bruce? You must be powerful!"

: "I don't like to brag, but yeah that's the gist of it."

Hold on a sec. What if you never fought the Reporter duo in Famine's Desert? Would this soldier's line change if you didn't fight them?

I would exclaim "**** this **** I'm out" but I am a man of my word in that I will complete this game. So UUUUUUUGH

: "Oh god... you guys again!?"

(Rolv): "Let's rumble!"

Were you not satisfied, Cutlerine?!

Oh jeez, they're actually getting a bit harder. If Jeanne wasn't here, this Metang would have been a threat.

Typical Deadly Seven dialogue. I'm not even like phased by it this point, I'm more like "can we get this stupid **** over with already?"

"Who can you trust? Who can you believe in? When all else fails, where can you take refuge? Do you see now? This plot... This fear you feel... This is the power of a true paranoia!"

You know, in the hands of a writer that's actually trying, this could have been intriguing. Coming from the Deadly Seven though, it's just Cutlerine being a pretentious ass thinking that this story can be salvaged after all the stuff it's pulled.

Of course you expected Jack to win. The game literally cannot progress if Jack does not win!

: "Shut up! You were really creepy when you attacked me..."

(Sputnov): *some nonsense about buttering bread*

I really have to feel for Jack in this situation because dealing with the Deadly Seven may not be hard, but it's torture regardless.

Yeah, you lost me at bagel. Put up your dukes!

Fun fact: This thing has a Salamence cry. This is what replaces Salamence in the game.

This dude had all of the evolutions of Calfby in this game minus Ramshaker. I'm kind of glad he didn't bring Ramshaker as we don't have an appropriate counter to one yet.

Also, Calfby can evolve into Miltank even if it might be a dude? Which makes no sense if you know how cows work. (Then again, I don't have the patience to check.)

... Let me be real regarding silly comparisons, alright. In a supposed-to-be-serious story, they're completely out of place. No matter what context you put this stupid bagel thing into, it's still going to amount to "lol randumb humor".

I understand that's the point, but it's still pretty annoying.

: "Isn't that the strapline for Sabriel?"

(Adolv): "Hail, Caesar!"

You know, I didn't expect Jack to jump into the "horribly obscure references" train with these lunatics. I'm pretty sure he was trying to turn that reference into a significant phrase about you and Snakewood.

... An egg using Softboiled as an attempt to heal itself.

Benedict, you truly are a force humans cannot comprehend.

The Deadly Seven prove their worth!

Dragonite here is one of the first legitimately threatening Pokemon that the Deadly More-Than-Seven possess, as he actually has enough firepower to rip teams apart with ease. If you brought the shiny Aerodactyl from Famine's Desert with you, then you shouldn't have to worry about much, but I didn't do that.

The funny thing is that if this was Gen 6, Bellamine would have zero worries going up against this guy. But sadly this is still Gen 3.

I mean look at that! She lost more than half her health from this alone! His only Dragon moves are Twister and Dragon Rage (fixed 40 damage) so thank goodness for that at least.

Still, fixed 40 damage is pretty hefty for most of the Crew except for Tohru to handle.

Since this is coming from one of the Deadly Seven, I can't even be bothered to take it seriously even by the standards of this game.

"Well, it seems my friend is lost in a twisted web of intrigue and lies. Why not stop and listen to a refreshing haiku?"

: "No."

[Jack slaps Asimov]

: "No more haikus, just fight me already!"

(Asimov): "Ow... okay."

The actual line isn't much better, as it's not even a haiku - it's a half-hearted limerick about Jack and his adventure in Snakewood.

He has two Pupitars and this Tyranitar. I appreciate that they're actually making an effort to be the Deadly Seven, but their chance of success is as shaky as the logic Cutlerine had when he put them in the game.

[Tohru used Rock Smash!]

: ("Chances are you're not going to get back up from that.")

Don't **** with The Crew.

And of course he has to signal his exit in the most ungraceful way possible.

Thank god they're gone. That was a bit short, actually. You could chop that part with the Deadly Seven out and the entire game would be much better for it.

In his hot-and-cold mercy, Cutlerine leaves a healing spot for you.

Let's see what's in this house. Might be something cool.

Oh, it's something alright. This is literally the same house in the original game but the border is replaced with the Endless Plains.

There's nothing in here, by the way. This just exists to waste your time like the empty rooms in Monster Party.

Future Dan: Funny that you mention that.

She has a boat. She's a lady called Gabriella. No further context is given. Moving on.

Damn it, now I'm hungry again.

"The zombies couldn't get us, because we mimicked their every move. I doubt you can take us on!"

: "How does copying the zombies fool them in any capacity? Oh whatever. Bring it on."

There are at least two Mimic Bros. Tommo here is one of the more annoying ones.

Say hello to a new Fakemon, folks! Psypig here is not related to Grumpig in any way despite their alarming resemblance. It is a

/

type that will give me a ton of migraines in the future, but for now he falls victim to Jeanne's Confuse Ray.

I'm more amused at the fact you and your brother have survived this long by mimicking the moves of the undead.

KAIJILANTH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS, LOOMS OVER US

I'm kidding.


Kaijilanth is actually a spriteswap of Shedinja, complete with Wonder Guard. I noticed when it had the same cry and the fact that just one Will O' Wisp from Jeanne killed it instantly. I would assume that trying to get Kaijilanth is the same as trying to get Shedinja, but I honestly don't think it would help that much.

"Who might you be?"

: "I'm Jack."

I'm pretty sure that at this point, Jack and the Crew are universally recognized as saviors given all of their accomplishments.

"May I see it?"

: "Uh, no. It's kind of valu-"

Dr. Blackthorn: "What?! Could that be... the egg containing Meteor's daughter?"

I was going to say. If he was going to touch Benedict, he would have lost an arm.

: "Uh, as a matter of fact, it is. Why?"

: "What's going on? Will someone please tell me?"

: "Quiet. The adults are talking. What's it to you, doc?"

I can imagine Jack giving the good doctor a death glare like "Oh you better not wrap me up in more ********."

Dr. Blackthorn: "I had heard someone attacked the Vault, and that Meteor's daughter had been freed, so I came rushing over to see if it was true. Thank you for your time."

[Dr. Blackthorn walks off]

"Do you know where I can find Meteor, so I can take his daughter back to him?"

Dr. Blackthorn: "I believe you ought to head east to Mossdeep to find his current abode. Now, if you're quite finished...?"

: "No. Sorry, but... just who are you?"

I am very suspicious of Dr. Blackthorn from the get-go.

"Like you, the current state of affairs worries me, and I am on my own small mission to resolve some of the issues that face this region."

: "... I see. I'm sorry to have bothered you."

Dr. Blackthorn: "Not at all. Might I offer a small piece of advice?"

: "Yes?"

"Please remember that in this region, almost everyone will lie to you. I will not claim that you can trust me, but I will tell you that there are fewer than twenty honest people left in Hoenn, and that you and I are two of them. Please bear this in mind and take care."

So suddenly we're thrown back into The Walking Dead of Pokemon? I don't care if this contrasts compared to all of the dumb things we just witnessed, this is a good change of pace.

[Doctor Blackthorn walks off screen to the right]

Well, there's that. Let's go back to messing around for a bit.

They crucified a zombie. I'm curious as to who did this.

Oh no, what super dangerous zombie Pokemon does he have?

You had me worried there for a second.

Oh boy, with a name like that, we're bound for a ride.

Uh... SAY HELLO TO YUCK, EVERYBODY!

Christ on a three-pronged stick, that's terrifying. Yuck is true to his name in that he is ****ing disgusting. He's a giant living blob of blood that's eating a person whole. Even if you evolve it from Moulder, it still has a kid(?) inside of its mouth.

Yuck may as well be classified as the mascot Pokemon of Snakewood as a whole, as he's one of the few zombies that you can actually catch in the game. (That and he's on the boxart for the supposed He's not hard to deal with, but damn does he leave an impact.

^ Me with this game

"I conduct research into mushrooms and mushroom-shaped Pokemon. The mushrooms here are splendid, as are the Pokemon!"

This dude sounds like he has a giant Breloom fetish. I'm staying away from him for just a bit.

This makes it 6 out of 50 at this point. I find it funny how I didn't want anything to do with Broken Hearts at first yet now I want to get all of them.

"Thought any more about joining the Army since we last saw you? Or are you getting stronger?"

I applaud them for trying to recruit Jack, but their efforts will only end in failure.

Their team is getting better at least. But it's still not enough to even scratch Jack.

"Remember that? That's the retarded quote you gave us last time. How about giving something a little better now? Anyway, what do you think? Do you want to be interviewed again?"

: "No, go away."

Tina: "No? Oh, okay... But just so you know, we'll try again 'til we get it!"

Guys, don't you have guns? Why don't you just shoot the zombies and help Jack? Bah, whatever.

"The Battle Zombie pounded the ground so hard that you both fell into a small hole! No escape, it's clobbering time!"

... That reference of all things? Sure man, whatever floats your boat.

IRON REAPER

Even if it's just a black recolor of Scizor with empty white eyes, it's pretty badass.

I still remember the Level 58 one back in Chapter 3.5. Man, those were better days.

Being both

and

, Jeanne melts it into a puddle of screaming, white-hot goo.

"The Battle Zombie sank wearily to its knees, your Pokemon's latest attack having destroyed half of its head. Well, half of it was missing anyway. The pit magically disappears."

I'm not apologizing.

These glitches are honestly freaking me out, man. They just... appear.

How thoughtful to add to the thirty I already have. Thank you, game.

Hey, would you look at that? They're double-teaming a zombie! Let's see if Jack can help.

: "Lady, I'm just trying to help. But if you insist..."

She has good taste in Pokemon, I'll give her that. But Ace shows her why you don't mess with Jack.

Like so. Ace be beastin'.

: "Maybe you should have thought about that before jumping into a fight with me?"

"Only the extreme power of the Thirteenth Note can banish these things! ... What? No, now is not the time to battle!"

: "What in the world are you talking about? I want to help you kill this thing! Turn down the volume so you can hear me!"

This guy has the most normal name of the trainers we've encountered in this area. Aside from a few zombies, that is.

He has the usual Luxio and Luxray, but he had an Exploud on him too. Not that it's much of a hassle, mind you, but I promote variety. Anyway, let's encounter the zombie they were supposed to be fighting.

"The Battle Zombie winces as you challenge her, your voice discordant against the song that the guitarist is playing. Deflecting a green bolt of death from the guitar with her sword, she turns to face you with murder in her eyes and a katana in her hand. Because katanas are cool."

Katanas are cool, but you don't need to bring that up per se.


I have a feeling that if this wasn't a Pokemon rom hack, Cutlerine would have just cut out the middle man (Pokemon) and got straight into balls out fist-fighting. That's definitely how it feels, given that the existence of The Crew is never (or at the very least, rarely) brought up as the reason for Jack's success.

I still question how this thing functions with a bloody neck stump for a head now. The name isn't even a pun or anything, it's just dumb. Either way, Tohru makes sure this Headdoom here has a comfortable trip back to Hell.

Aside from Headdoom, this Battle Zombie has a Grim Reaper Scyther that Jeanne roasted in no time flat.

"With a roar, the Battle Zombie throws her Pokeballs aside and picks up her sword again. You don't seem to have made much of an impression."

That's what you get.

: "I can't tell if I should be laughing or crying at how silly this is. Anyway, you guys finish beating her up. I'm leaving."

Next part's coming right up!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Bellamine,

, Level 38,

) - "Oh wh-- what is this awful feeling? It's coming from the area up ahead. Be careful, Jack!"

(Jeanne,

, Level 38,

) - "I'm sure it's nothing, Bella. I mean, there's not much that can slow us down."

(Valor,

, Level 37, has Plus Band,

) - "Hey, Ace. I just wanted to say... You're a cool guy."

(Ace,

, Level 38, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - "Hmmm? Same to you too, buddy. I've seen how you fight. You're pretty good. Just make sure you don't let up, alright?"'

(Benedict, level 29,

/

) - * jumps up and down with a subtle green aura *

(Tohru,

, Level 38,

/

) - Stares at Benedict and ponders about what it even is

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie,

, Level 33, has Leftovers,

/

) - "I guess I got the bench. May as well enjoy the rest while I still have time."

(Zagon,

, Level 33,

) - "Hi Alice, how are you? It's sure been a long time since we've met, hasn't it?"

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "Oh hi, Zagon! I'm glad you're away from all of those nasty zombies. Come here, nya!" * snuggles up to the Linoone *

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Is still sleeping

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - Gets tagged by Pumbloom

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - "...Your spikes are really sharp..."

(Letro, level 15,

/

) - "ERROR! ERROR! I CANNOT DETERMINE WHAT IS IN THE NEXT AREA! STRONG ELECTRONIC WAVES ARE BLURRING MY RADAR! TAKE EXTRA CARE, JACK!"

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - Is still sleeping

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - "Ooooh! Ambes, your little Pichu siblings are so cute!~

"

(Ambes,

, Level 30,

) - "Aww. Thanks, Miss Beatrice."

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Thank you, miss! You're a nice lady."

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "I'm not cute. I'm a boy! I'm handsome."

(Helmaroc,

, Level 40,

/

) - "I awaken to a group of little ones... That seems to be the Pikachu that dared to confront me. Interesting. I'll see how this plays out..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 17 - Rage Awakened
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Last time on Pokemon Snakewood, the Deadly More-Than-Seven were here and we dicked around with some trainers to pass the time. Let's keep doing that, shall we?

"Calling... Alright! My friends will be here soon. It's time to see who's the strongest!"

The strongest, eh? Don't play with fire or you'll get burned.

T-Fanger? What kind of trainer class is that?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! That ain't no Sandslash

[Theme I would use for the Telefang character battles: Digimon World Dusk/Dawn Battle Theme 3]

That, my friends, is a Denjuu. In other words, a monster from a game called Telefang - full name Mobile Phone Beast Telefang, developed by Smilesoft and published by Natsume.

People know about Telefang's existence as (fake) Pokemon Diamond and Pokemon Jade, bootleg Game Boy Color games that were made to fool people that were either too young to know anything about Pokemon or grandparents. The bootleg Telefang cartridges had mangled translations of truly Zero Wing proportions, with one example being "Well, have you had curry". Said line pops up after you catch a monster or "get it's phone number", so you got me there.

The funny thing is that despite being pushed off as a Pokemon knockoff, Telefang functions a lot more like Digimon - there's even a Digivice-like thing called the D-Shot that allows you to summon at least two Denjuu at a time. The Denjuu are even "sentient" like Digimon, too. I think I also read somewhere that to make Denjuu stronger, you have to infuse them with like flamethrowers and M-16s and **** - it was pretty crazy.

Gaming history lesson aside, let's get back to the battle at hand.

Despite looking a lot like Sandslash, Kuriputo is actually

type. As a result, Jeanne deep fries her.

The Denjuu have really weird typings that will probably catch a first time player of Snakewood off guard. Then again, who wants to play this game for a reason that's not morbid curiosity?

Speaking of curry, this is the monster that says that line. Ooshe is a

type and at first I had no idea what it was supposed to be. I thought it was like a giant head on a single leg, but upon further inspection, it is indeed a four-legged animal. Probably an armadillo.

Roodanse is the most straightforward Denjuu as it's a pure

tornado scythe monster. It has Speed Boost to increase its already insane speed, but its fragility dooms it to Valor's claws.

They can try multiple times and the results will be the same.

Oh hey, look at that! That Brain Link is actually coming in handy.

... I, uh...

If you were expecting something cool, I apologize for getting some hopes up.

The D-Shot must be like a vastly inferior version of a Digivice if it requires charging. Why is this in Snakewood, again?

(Crypto = Kuriputo)

: "Wah! You can talk!... As opposed to my Pokemon who I can understand all of the time, I guess."

Kuriputo: "Yeah, of course. I'm not a Pokemon. I'm a Denjuu."

: "... Okay."

: ("What an odd creature...")

: ("I'll say. This adventure sure is getting weird.")

I could just surf across, but any experience is good experience.

"Ooshe and I went into the antenna tree but we came out here. Is this... some weird region of the Denjuu world? Whatever. Make your calls, because I want to battle!"

Take special attention to this line right now and keep it in mind for later. But for now, let's rock.

Fangasu is the most deceptive Denjuu yet. It looks like

yet its type is actually

. I'm not complaining, it just means Jeanne gets extra experience.

Strangest thing about Fangasu is that despite looking slow and bulky, it has Speed Boost(!) of all things. I'm not sure if that's a reference to a version of Telefang, but whatever.

Would normal Pokemon play be cheating by Telefang standards? I legitimately don't know.

"What is this place? Where are all the Denjuu and what are all the weird monsters in the grass? They can't even talk or anything!"

: ("Excuse me, we are not just "weird monsters". Watch your mouth before I singe it out.")

For some reason this is sort of giving me deja vu. Still though, Jeanne's dropping it like it's hot.

: "Pokemon."

Ooshe: "So... did the antenna tree take us to a third world, I wonder? Not the real world, not the Denjuu world, but a Pokemon world... interesting."

Alright, this is getting a bit confusing. So the "real world" is apparently a seperate reality than the Pokemon world? I thought the Pokemon world was the real world, just with fictional monsters n' ****. I mean, that's how it was in Gen 1 before they had to changed it to "based" on the real world.

: ("Jack, that's awfully cutthroat of you.")

: "Sorry Bella, but these guys are kind of rubbing me the wrong way. Don't you feel something weird in the air?"

: ("... Speaking of which, you're right! But I don't know what it is.")

: "Eeeh. It's probably nothing."

Okay, this actually caught me off guard. This T-Fanger lady engages you in a Double Battle, which is pretty cool I guess.

... Eruption. So, Benedict is a magma-shooting devil egg now.

Don't look at them for too long or YOU'LL GO INSANE

"No fair! What the hell are those things you have? They're sure not Denjuu..."

Lady, you should seriously be glad you didn't get sent to the Digimon world. They have some guys over there that can wreck your ****.

Proof.

I'm curious as to where they came from to begin with. Also, free medical kit in case you were aching.

It's... an evil ghost warthog... thing. Goosuboa is a

/

type that, despite its... unique appearance, is pretty average. It goes down relatively easily, but the fact it has that typing gives me awful flashbacks to Kingmadio's stall war. Sableye is cool though.

I should mention this chick has like... five Denjuu? What was the other one complaining about us having six Pokemon for?

Oh my god what is that. Nigera here is a

type. Clearly it has... sea urchin like qualities? But honest to god though, Nigera has the highest stats out of all of the Denjuu. I noticed when I was making the list of Fakemon (by hacking them in and then erasing the saves) that it had monster stats compared to the other Denjuu. Weird.

Experience buffet aside, let's get to the one T-Fanger that's actually important to the plot.

^ See, Jack's not the only one that's confused by this awful plot.

She doesn't have anything we haven't seen already, so let's just skip straight to when we win.

"Okay, look. I'm just as confused as anyone else here. Who are you people? Where are you from? And what the hell are those weird talking things you have with you?"

Mei-Rin: "We're T-Fangers from the Denjuu world. We have the phone numbers of the 'electric monsters', or Denjuu, and when we call them on our D-Shot phones, they come to us to battle."

: "So Denjuu are intelligent?"

Ooshe: "As intelligent as you, bub."

: "I see. Well, in answer to your question, you seem to be in a different world. This is the Pokemon world, where we beat up various animals and imprison them in small balls. We can recall them from these balls to fight for us at any time. It's really just glorified cockfighting."

: [Astonished gasp]

: ("What a wonderful thing to say in front of the people that's been keeping you alive since this started.")

: ("Jack, what the **** man, I thought we were cool!")

: ("... Hmm.")

: ("For a man that's led us to success in this zombie-infested wasteland, that's a piss-poor attitude to have.")

Alright, this is just... Cutlerine, dude. Ignoring the whole character thing I have going on with Jack and the Crew, this whole exchange is a giant one-finger salute to Pokemon fans. I'll give you that we capture creatures and put them into small balls, but the point is befriending them, you triple A arrogant dip****.

There's more to Pokemon than just battling. Like that's the kind of thing that a super-edgy "hardcore" teenager fan of the franchise says to make themselves look good.

... Just... moving on.

EDIT: In hindsight, this didn't go as I expected. Read chapter 18 when it comes out for what I really think, based on more recent knowledge.

Mei-Rin: "... Okay. So the antenna tree - that's a kind of eletric tree that teleports us through the Denjuu world - must have gone wrong and sent us here..."

"Well, I've offered to help everyone I've met so far. How about I see if I can help?"

Mei-Rin: "Oh, would you? Thanks! The antenna tree spat us out on that mountain island to the north of here. Do you know it?"

: "That's... Mt. Pyre, if I remember correctly. Okay! I'll go investigate."

Mei-Rin: "This is an interesting, if primitive and brutal, world. I might stay around and look for a bit."

Nice to meet you too, you insufferable skunt.

Hey, there's an Elixir

--

[Bellamine slaps Jack hard enough that the impact can be heard a mile away]

: ("What in the world came over you over there, Jack? That was a pretty brazen thing of you to say.")

: [Rubs his reddened face] "Damn it, ow! Bellamine... I... I don't know. Something just came over me. It didn't feel natural."

: ("Didn't feel natural? What do you mean?")

: "It sort of felt like I was being... possessed. The thing I said about what we're doing as glorified cockfighting... you know I didn't mean it. This entire adventure we've fought to stop things from getting worse. We're there to help people, and I respect you guys the most out of any group of people in the world now. I... can't describe with words how much the Crew means to me, considering that without you guys I literally would not have been able to survive."

: ("Oh... I understand. That must have been the strange presence we felt, then. Whatever it was, it's gone. But... hmm. I know you didn't mean it yourself, but you sure sent the others into an uproar. I'll go tell them what happened... but even then, I'm sure some of them will require a bit more convincing. I'm sorry this had to happen to you, Jack.")

: "It's... it's fine, Bella. If I'm to be any sort of leader, I'm going to have to work beyond any doubts. I can't afford to let up. It wouldn't be fair to any of you."

: ("Of course. You're a good man, Jack - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.")

: "... Right. Let's go."

The things I do to salvage characters.

... That's a very literal interpretation of tree-hugger. Find your chill, dude.

"The Battle Zombie slipped on its own necrotic fluids and fell on its head!"

Wah, wah, wah.

I can't tell if she's talking about the zombie or a random Pokemon in the grass.

Alright, here we go. Mount Pyre. It's a zombie apocalypse setting and this is where the dead go to in Hoenn. This ought to be good.

... Can I be honest? This place in the original games spooked the **** out of me. The theme in this place is so dreary and unsettling that even now as a 19 year old with the theme playing at like 2 in the morning, I couldn't help but get a little paranoid.

But hey, we get our first real good news in this episode! I've always thought the Banette family was cool.

Magic spell? Also, it's the first zombie in the game that's not outright antagonistic against us. I guess that counts for something?

D-DISPELL TOKE?!

... I know a certain Parasect that would like to get a hit of that. why yes i am horrible nice to meet you

Of course there is. I'm still immensely curious as to who is doing this.

Anyway, wow, that was underwhelming. I was expecting the biggest zombie ambush of the entire game, or have this place be more relevant because well - IT'S THE GRAVESITE OF HOENN AND THIS IS A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE STORY.

You would expect this place to be like the cornerstone of the zombies, yet it's pushed aside for all of the Telefang stuff. So much wasted potential. (Admittedly, cremating Pokemon would be a practice they do, but what about ghosts?)

Anyway, there's a second entrance into Mt. Pyre from here before you get stumped.

"Oh! These strange people started pouring out of the trees. It was shocking!"

... Imagine that, in a much better story, this line would go to mean hordes of zombies instead of the T-Fangers.

Skill Swap has and always will be situational at best. I know someone can pull off a really wicked combo with it in the real game, but me? Nah.

Oh boy. The first time I saw the fog come up in the original Sapphire, I was like "oh geez this is getting spooky i love it". Like damn son, this was my favorite place in the entire game. The music made it even better - it's such an unbelievable track that I used to come here every so often just to hear it.

Discharge is just Thunder. It's supposed to be based off of Gen 4 Discharge, but I don't see the point.

I love this place and the fact it wasn't changed spares Cutlerine some of my wrath.

"That guy told me you're the one responsible for breaking the antenna tree! I won't stand for it. Make a call!"

: "What?! Calm the hell down, sweetheart."

WAIT, HUH?!

THESE NAMES ARE GETTING WORSE AND WORSE OH MY GOD

Name aside, LOLIDRAGON is nothing special.

Future Dan: Thank you Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid for retroactively gracing me with gifs such as this.

"Hah... Those creatures you have... they have such power. They are mindless killing machines. Perhaps that is the true difference between Denjuu and your monsters. Denjuu are too human to inflict such injury."

Am I on Punk'd or something?

Where do I begin with this? Oh, let's see - this is a Pokemon rom hack, yet it feels like Cutlerine's spitting on the premise at every turn he gets. Everything gets railroaded by the stupid crossover **** and lore that Cutlerine copy-pasted into this story in some vain attempt to make his storywriting even semi-presentable. Things like the Deadly Seven do not help in any case, either.

Secondly, mindless killing machines? Yeah, I don't care if she's from the Denjuu world, that's just laughable. "Too human to inflict such an injury" yet they're willing to jump into battle and grievously harm the Pokemon in Jack's Crew without any remorse. Mmmm, that's some good hypocrisy.

Jack's response to the T-Fanger though?

: "You need to watch what you say to who. If my Pokemon were just killing machines, there wouldn't be anything left of your Denjuu. My Pokemon have helped me survive this nightmare longer than most other people, and I trust them more than any other person on this godforsaken region. Now get out of my sight before I give you a more in-depth demonstration."

: ("... Jack...")

: ("Jack... we get it. You don't have to do any more for us. Let us be the ones to help you.")

: ("I mean, it's hard on all of us... You can't let these guys get to you, you know.")

; "... Guys. Thanks. Now let's fix the damn tree so we don't have to deal with any more of these T-Fangers."

: ("Agreed.")

"I was informed by the Denjuu up there that you broke the antenna tree. Now, as Shigeki would have done, I will destroy all those who would interfere with the trees!"

: "Alright, I know I'm like clouded by rage, but you guys are not helping in the slightest. Like damn, what is your problem? The trees really mean that much to you that you'd attack random people you think did it? I guess we just have to solve this in the way you seem to understand."

: ("And nigh a single tear was shed that day.")

"Pokemon... Denjuu... There's a world of difference between them. I don't think they can ever fight equally."

Of course. I mean, look at the franchise that died in obscurity while the world embraced Pokemon with (mostly) open arms. (real fans of telefang i am sorry)

(Also, we've already seen all of the Denjuu in the game - yes, there were only like... six of them)

: "What?! You're Scottish? And a man?"

Scottish T-Fanger: "Aye! And what's wrong with an old Scottish man dressing up like a wee Japanese lassie?"

: "Everything! I'm going to defeat your Denjuu with extreme pleasure, because any monster that sides with such a weird pervert is my enemy!"

Goosuboa: "You're a really intolerant person, you know that? Jeez... Kids in this universe are nasty."

Coming from the people who pretty much ****-talk everything that's not Denjuu, this is hilarious. I'm rooting for Jack as always.

... It was an act... inside of an another act. Break out your inception jokes, folks.

: * Ellipses *

We are not amused! (puts away crown)

: "That makes you slightly less perverse, I guess. But you're still really weird."

Kei: "Cross-dressing is not a crime!"

; "This is pointless, I'm leaving."

I'll admit, Kei cross-dressing isn't weird by itself but acting like a middle-aged Scottish man was.

There seems to be a figure on the peak of the mountain. Let's talk to him, shall we?

[Current audio in-game: The... Kyogre/Groudon battle theme??]

"I had heard rumors that you were trying to put the antenna tree right, so I told everyone that you were the one that broke it. I'm quite surprised you managed to get here."

: "Who or what are you?"

"I believe you have met my associate, Mr. Gleis."

Oh no.

: "You - you're working with Gleis?!"

: "Not quite. We share the same employer. I despise my associate - all that grubbing about with corpses. Quite revolting. But enough of this! I shall now defeat you!"

[Theme I would use for Temulence: Super Cool No. 1]

I honestly adore how this guy looks. His sprite is pretty nice, especially by the standards of this game. I chose Super Cool No. 1 cause I kept listening to the song and felt it matched with this guy, so hey what can you do.

He doesn't have any new Denjuu, but he has one that's actually pretty good. Fangasu gets charred out of existence as always.

oh lord that's a ton of water

Storm Surge is essentially Hydro Pump under a different name. Given that Nigera has higher stats and gets a STAB boost from Water type moves, this is one of the deadliest attacks we've encountered so far.

Tohru puts him in his place, however. Boy, he sure does save the day a lot.

Jeanne burns the Sandslash knockoff without much effort.

"I'll shut the link between worlds for now, but I'll be back!"

: "Wow, that was impressive. Anyway, I'm just saying that the weird psychic glow from the tree has gone now. I think he meant it when he said the link had been closed."

: "Fantastic. Now, we should go. I'd quite like to challenge the Fortree City Gym, as it looked like it was still working."

Cool, cool. No more Telefang, thank god.

"We will guard this antenna tree! And make sure that no more evil leaks between the worlds!"

Wasn't this the place where the Red and Blue Orbs were being kept? Why the hell was this sacred altar replaced with a goddamn antenna tree?

The changes Cutlerine put into this game make absolutely no sense.

This crazy old man wants to sing a song for us, and I'm just like "nope, I'm outta here."

What was this dude filming before we bumped in front of him?

One of my friends told me that this guy is based off of a famous composer. I guess that's cool.

Due to his predictable typing, the Film Student goes down without much of a fight. I want a Weavile tho.

Ah, he was trying to film the Pokemon version of Dawn of the Dead. Not a good idea with all of the actual zombies out and about, though.

: "Who's going to watch it?"

Film Student: "My teacher and fellow film students, of course. The Hoenn University of Film doesn't close just because of some silly invasion!"

You guys are really dedicated to the art of film-making, jeez. The University is in Fortree, by the way. Convenient!

[Jack strikes a superhero pose with Ace and Valor behind him]

RUDE CRUDE DUDES ALERT

Much like how Zangoose gets Zangol as an evolution in this game, Seviper gets SEVICIOUS. It's one of the cooler new Fakemon if I'm going to be completely honest, but at the same time it's also one of the more dangerous to fight thanks to its typing and incredible strength.

Tohru must be tired of saving the day so often. Then again, he's the reason why you don't mess with Hariyama in the first place.

I didn't teach him Belly Drum because no thank you, he's already uber strong as it is. Plus the halved health thing might get in the way.

"It's the Absol... They're fighting the zombie Pokemon in the grass. I always thought they were the ones who caused disasters, not the ones to save us..."

Awwwww. Yeah, Absol are pretty cool.

That's why we're going to recruit one!

Umbra gives us some new choices now that we have a Dark type.

I should probably mention that Graveill are the second obtainable zombie Pokemon and they appear in the wild here for you to catch, so... I guess if you want them, they're there?

I get one, though.

: ("J... Jack, is that really a good idea?")

: "Don't worry, Bella. I'm sure it got sent to a seperate box or something. Besides, you felt it, right? It didn't feel... bad, did it?"

: ("Hmmm, you're right. It didn't feel particularly malicious... but still. I'm sure the team inside of the PC can handle themselves.")

... So, uh yeah. We just captured a zombie Pokemon and added them as part of the Crew. This episode sure is going some weird places.

"You can literally mine anger out of its ears."

Well, it sort of makes sense that it says that considering it's a zombie version of Marill. Poor little guy, though.

That makes it... what, fourty five or so Hyper Potions now? I'm not aching for any restoratives, dude.

Pikachu! (i'm sorry i had to do it)

"You gotta help us, man! We Film Students can't get back to the university at Fortree because these damn Witches are in the way!"

Witches? Like... the Left 4 Dead variety?

: "Perhaps I can help you. I'm a pretty strong trainer."

Film Student: "Okay, man, but first let me see if you're up to it!"

The weird names keep on coming.

Oh hey, it's a Sharpedo. Not that he's hard, mind you, but I've always thought they were cool.

**** i didn't plan on this happening

See, this Mightyena knows Roar and he switched out Tohru for Benedict. I was kind of worried that he would do something to Benedict, but nope, he just used Roar again.

SEND OUT YOUR LAVA BITS, MY FAITHFUL EGG MONSTER

: ("Wrong move, pal.")

[Ace used Aerial Ace!]

Apparently this dude is a giant stoner. Okay, sure, whatever.

Anyway, that's the end of Chapter 17. See you guys later for more of this trainwreck.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Bellamine,

, Level 38,

) - "Witches? What exactly does he mean?"

(Jeanne,

, Level 40,

) - "Well, I guess we're going on a witch hunt now. I can makes torches for anybody that's interested."

(Valor,

, Level 38, has Plus Band,

) - "Dude, all of this stuff is making my head spin."

(Ace,

, Level 39, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - "Don't worry about it, Valor. All you can really do is get used to it, I suppose."'

(Benedict, level 34,

/

) - * rolls around *

(Tohru,

, Level 40,

/

) - "I'll admit, Jack had me going there for a second."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie,

, Level 33, has Leftovers,

/

) - * Warily eyes the new recruits *

(Zagon,

, Level 33,

) - Is sleeping without a care in the world

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "Nyaa! What the heck just happened?! Why is there a zombie Marill in the box over?!"

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Is staying close to Cherry

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - "Man, I want to become a Qwilshark so bad."

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - "... I want to become an Exploud. Hey Ballin? Let's... work on evolving together."

(Letro, level 15,

/

) - "I AM OVERWHELMED WITH EMOTIONS. BZZZZZT!"

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - "Jack..."

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - "I'm curious. Does this happen often?"

(Ambes,

, Level 30,

) - "Not that I'm aware of. Still though, poor Jack. I wish I could have been there to cheer him on."

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - * hugs Ambes*

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "I'm sure he knows you care about him, big bro. I mean, we mean a lot to him, don't we?"

(Umbra,

, Level 36,

) - "I guess I've wandered across another trainer and his Pokemon. I hope this one lives longer than the last one."

(Juno,

, Level 34,

) - * Floats around spookily *

(Helmaroc,

, Level 40,

/

) - "Hmmm. This Jack they keep talking about... He does seem to be of reputable character. Perhaps I should make my presence known in the future."

(Menti,

, level 37,

/

) - "Was... was I actually taken in by a trainer?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

Wow, um. This is where the game starts getting serious. I'm warning you now.

Chapter 18 - Witch Hunt
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

After a long period of staring at pixellated clouds, I've realized something.

It turns out that Cutlerine actually did made Snakewood as an angsty teenager over the course of several years. At the age of fifteen or so (I dunno), he had gotten the urge to do some Rom hacking after playing Pokemon Quartz. In hindsight, my remark about him being a "super-edgy "hardcore" teenager" had more merit to it than I thought.

Everything about Snakewood was not meant to be a coherent story - it's all nonsense that he threw in just for the sake of hacking and it was never meant to be taken seriously. He himself states that he doesn't know how the zombie apocalypse thing mixed in with this and regrets many of the design decisions that he's made for the hack.

(Edit from the future: Oh, you poor, naive fool.)

He doesn't even have a backstory for our main protagonist and urges the player to think of something. I suppose Jack the character can become a reality now with this information.

Cutlerine also states that he hates the formulaic plotline of the main Pokemon games - "defeat eight gym leaders, beat up some bad guys, take on the elite four, the end." Which I sort of agree with, to be honest. After reading the reddit this came from, I forgive him for some of the more technical bullshit we've seen on this adventure.

(The good graphics =/= good game thing is still an argument that doesn't sit well with me, though. Not that I don't agree that you can have a good game without amazing graphics, but the game itself has to be good enough to warrant it. And you have to realize there's a level of atmosphere that you're missing out on by making the graphics intentionally horrible. That, and the bullshit on Mt. Pyre is still pretty bad.)

Oh right, we're actually playing the game.

I don't think this is what he meant by warming up.

Oh boy, I just remembered. Tohru has Guts, so that paralyze actually gave him a tremendous boost. This will not end well for that poor Luxray.

Welp, that's more money to add onto the pile. We've never had money problems this entire game and it's not stopping any time soon.

: "Uh... yeah?"

Witch Doctor: "Right! Then I'll heal you, then!"

Oh see, cause she's a Witch Doctor. I'm not laughing.

By the way, I've noticed a weird glitch when you get healed and the screen fades to black. You can keep making the screen darker and darker until it becomes pitch black. It goes away when you get into a battle, but damn is it cool.

... I have no idea what this is referencing and I don't care.

Yes, the Witches are indeed based off of the Left 4 Dead kind. They're still zombies but... eeeeeh.

She had a Solrock and a Lunatone that Ace smashed into pieces, the end. Interesting thing is that if you give either of them a Moon Stone, they evolve into something called GALACTIMON. I swear.

Oh damn, I wasn't prepared for a mythology lesson.

Essentially, Circe is a minor goddess of magic in Greek Mythology known best for her role in Homer's Odyessy - basically, she poisoned some dudes by lacing their food with a potion that turned them into pigs. In other words, a horribly obscure reference.

Oh hey, variety. Too bad Jeanne roasts it into barbeque cinders.

GORELAX, WE MEET AGAIN

This one is just as annoying as the one before, so be prepared if you're coming this way. I think this one caught me more off guard than the other one because I wasn't expecting a random witch to have a zombie Pokemon as annoying as Gorelax.

That was one Body Slam! Tohru keeps getting screwed by these, I swear.

Thankfully, we manage to kill it without much resistance.

I know this is a reference to a movie or something, but technically she is dead for real now.

"This witch is wicked. Damn wicked. She also shrieks like an Easterner."

The Blair Witch is here?!

She was merely a figment of our imagination. And the codifier of all found footage movies.

You know, I didn't expect it to become an actual witch hunt. Christ.

The Maybe Witch, huh? Well, I guess she doesn't look too bad after all.

Okay, she's not so innocent if she has a Gengar ready to fuck us up.

I... don't know how to feel about this? Other than Bellamine nearly died and I don't feel bad for the Maybe Witch as a result.

Where are you going with this, game?

Oh thank goodness. Still, that's hella dumb.

Since I have no ingenious commentary / synonyms for the word burn at the moment, I should probably mention that all of the Sand Witch's Pokemon are ground type. Cutlerine really liked being a master of double meanings, didn't he?

In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't bring a Water type so everybody else can participate. Trust me, I need it for the thing that's coming up in Chapter 19.

I know this game wasn't "supposed to be taken seriously", but god damn this is so silly. I can't. I just can't.

I love how he says that like "I've been waiting for you? Maybe?" The question mark makes it perfect. Also, at this point, the save for this part in particular just read "NO MORE WITCHES, DAMN" - which should tell you how done I was playing at the time. (By the way, I have like three folders just for the saves of Chapter 17, 18 and 19. Just saying.)

Future Dan: Ahahaha. That's nothing compared to the mountain of FFTA saves you had while waiting for Dark Rising 2 to finish.

-

: "Why?"

Dr. Blackthorn: "I've got a present for you. This Astral Lens ought to help you get further on your journey. It can see through magic."

So he pretty much gave us the Lens of Truth from Ocarina of Time.

: "And I need this because...?"

Jack, don't be rude. It was a gift.

Dr. Blackthorn: "You're surrounded by witches. Trust me, you will need it soon. Well, goodbye.

[The good doctor flies away on a Pokemon]

He might not be as bad as I thought he was.

For now though, let's go get some more useless Nest Balls and jump into the cave to the south.

Nice. By the way, it's raining inside of the cave? How the hell does that work?


Snakewood logic.

Funny thing. Valor, despite the fact that his signature "fuck off" move right now is Slash, cannot learn CUT. Does that make sense to anybody in the audience?

"She's an angel witch! You're an angel witch! Oh. Wait. Got a bit carried away there."

These references are getting crazier and crazier.

At this point I can't help but imagine Cutlerine yelling out loud through an interstellar microphone just to narrate these. It's too wacky at this point.

She had a Gardevoir too. You know, from the other side, Gardevoir are goddamn annoying to deal with. The witches also love to spam the shit out of restoration items such as Aconite Juice (another Full Heal item), Full Restores and so on. Due to how predictably they use items, however, it makes them easy to manipulate.

Still though, I really want to get Umbra out of storage already.

: "No, fight me."

Straight and to the point today, aren't we?

Hey, they got their Pokemon up to a respectable level. Still not a threat even if they have the BAMF known as Metagross on their side.

Benedict gained 20 levels just from sticking around on this adventure.

It also tried to learn Water Spout, which is much like Eruption in that it does more damage the more health you have. Water Spout belonged to Wailord, so I'm very disturbed as to what could be coming out of Benedict.

"Great! You're a million times more powerful than the last time we fought you. Want to join the army? No? Okay, okay. How about giving us something for our report instead, then? A nice little quote would hit the spot perfectly."

I think that's all that has to be said.

"It revealed a hidden witch!"

Well, the item Dr. Blackthorn gave us fulfilled its purpose immediately. Almost makes me question why this sequence was thrown in. You could say the same thing for the Kecleon reveal in the original game but that actually had a purpose in introducing new Pokemon and it already blocked the way to the gym before we were given the Devon Scope, so...

This one's just "The Witch" like she's some hot shot. BURN HER, JEANNE!

Oh wait, Benedict was the one that finished her off. That's a good alien monster egg.

Thank god, some sanctuary. I mean, the random medical kits are cool and all but I need an actual place to stay at.

"You stink of rotting meat... You must be strong to have overcome all of those zombies..."

Oh god, I never factored what Jack must smell like after everything we did. He has to smell like swamp ass at this point.

But hey, let's go to the local store and buy some things.

... Uh? Did we confuse the store for a pet shop? As far as I'm concerned, these animals wind up being part of a trade to get Pokemon but for now they're storage fuel.

By the way, the person running the counter is not a Hex Maniac or Pestilence. It is in fact a man by the name of Count D, presumably Dracula, but I can think of another way to take that name. (I am kind of sad it's not a Hex Maniac, though - hex waifu is best waifu)

"This city is easy to defend. There's only one ladder in, and zombies can't climb."

Why are we scared of the zombies again? They're afraid of water and sand in a region defined by water and sand, the hulk ones are surprisingly easy to beat and they can't climb.

"My son used to send messages to his girlfriend by Wingull... Now she's dead, and all Wingull carries are military documents. But my son hides his grief so not as to cause me pain... Is that right?"

Awww, that's kind of sad really.

"Why does it have a heart-shaped sticker on it? You don't look like a heart-sticker type of person."

Oh shit, I just realized we're still using May's Pokedex. Must be pretty embarassing for Jack, all things considered.

"Where did all of the strong Trainers go? Steven Stone, Landon, Wally, the Elite Four... What zombies could have possibly defeated them?"

I have one answer for you: they got sucked up into the tornado of bullshit. That, or they escaped into the Hoenn remakes.

Seriously though, I don't think we ever get an answer. They, despite their incredible strength, just get eaten by zombies offscreen (except for Landon) and that's the end of their story.

Eyyyyyyyyyyyy, it's my buddy!

I... don't think this was changed from the original game? Someone correct me on this?

"This might just be the last living Marill in Hoenn... Her name is Petula Punkledunk."

: "What?"

Old Woman: "I know, I know. But my niece named her, and she has strange tastes..."

^ Cutlerine in general.

"If any zombies manage to get up here, they'll have to get past my Ziggy first!"

: ("She's clearly deluded... That raccoon would get stomped flat in a few seconds. I mean, even Zagon would have trouble with the zombies around here and she's one of the tougher ones.")

"Veracity is technically our Gym Leader right now, as head of the Honda clan, but... he's forbidden anyone to go into the gym."

... Huh. Strange. I'd like to meet this "Veracity" at the very least. Let's see what happens when we try to go to the gym.

"Veracity told us to ward everyone away."

Damn it, he was serious about the "stay away" thing. I should probably mention that even the guards are scared of Veracity and they're doing this so they don't get him angry.

Let's make our way to the south, then.

Birch decides to call us after all of this time? Well, alright, what does he have to say?

: "Hey! Long time, no speak! Where are you?"

"Fortree. The zombies are getting tougher... I thought I could use some extra strength from the Gym."

: "Fortree? What a coincidence! I just recieved a call via the PC from Fortree. It was from the University."

: "Oh, yeah?"

: "Yeah. Apparently, they have a sort of witch-related problem."

I can imagine Jack saying this with the most

face ever.

: "What? That's slightly disappointing. I like giving missions... Oh well. There's something else I want you to look into there, too."

: "And that is?"

"Gym Leader Veracity. Since his sister Winona was taken by the zombies, he's become a little... eccentric."

... Winona's dead?

: "He's gone insane?"

: "Well... yes. Just look into it and make sure everyone's okay, alright?"

: "Of course. See ya, Birch."

^ the above line was edited because it was originally "Sure! See ya" which is way too cheery for this situation.

Anyway, Birch hangs up and now we're free to go into the large imposing building that's suddenly here now.

Looks really cool for something made out of scratch.

The inside isn't half bad either! It's an original building yet it looks pretty damn cool. This is the Hoenn University of Film, and in my honest opinion it's one of the best new places in the entire hack. I have to give massive props to Cutlerine for making this place look as nice as it did.

"This University is very prestigious. It's the best in Hoenn. Also, the only university in Hoenn."

It makes me curious just what was with the sudden spikes in quality with the game. Like right now we had just gotten off of the stupid shit on Mt. Pyre and all of the Witches, yet as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing overly stupid in the University.

Is Cutlerine blowing smoke out of his ass when he said he wanted Snakewood to be nonsensical? I don't know and probably won't know even by the end of this game.

The Soma replaces the Mystic Water as the item that boosts Water-type moves. At the time I didn't think much of it, but with the presence of both this and the Rain Dance TM, I should have really trained up a proper Water type Pokemon.

Future Dan: The Soma? What an odd way to foreshadow LP #2.

"Welcome to the University! Feel free to look around and consider further education in the fascinating field of film-making!"

She's not kidding, either. Once we meet up with some Film Students, they tell us some nice stuff about actual film techniques.

"Me and my girlfriend here are going to make it big in the world of experimental theatre!"

: "How is that possible?! You're deluded!"

After battle:

"We will triumph! Just you wait and see! In a few years' time, every cinema from here to Kahuto will be showing films by Zachary Quince starring Alexis Heart!"

I agree with Jack. I mean, it's a silly thing to fight about, but the guy sounds super desperate regardless.

Tilly: "No! I'm not Nurse Joy! Why does everyone keep mistaking me for her!"

: "I'm sorry, you just--"

Tilly: "What, you want me to heal your Pokemon for you? Huh? Huh?"

: "Well, if --"

Tilly: "Well, I'll do that! Here!"

: "Uh... yes?"

Man, Tilly sure is a tsundere nurse. I think I like her a bit more because of that.

... Godot. Is this a reference to Ace Attorney of all things?

I'm surprised that didn't come up during the murder mystery section of all things.

But hey, a PC! Thank god, we can finally switch the team around freely.

Umbra, say hello to The Crew. Ace, you stay behind with the others.

: ("Alright, I'll do just that. See you later, Jack. Take care, new guy.")

: ("Ah, you must be the Ace everybody's talking about. Don't worry, I'll be fine.")

Rad. Now, let's make our way into the stairs ahead.

: "Oh crap, sorry man. Wait, why are you fighting me?!"

He has a Weavile. I remember when that was Alicia's special Pokemon, but now every Dark-type user and their grandmother has one.

He does have a Blissey though. Blissey are so cute, even if their Defense is absolutely horrible.

Well, I'm sorry lady but --

(Whitney? Is that you?)

Funny thing is that you didn't need to fight her. You could have skipped her entirely just by not talking to her... which is a pretty cool idea, to be honest.

Anyway, let's see what she has.

OH DEAR SWEET MOSES

Milotic here is insane. Not only is she 11 levels above Umbra, but Milotic is now

/

. It's a typing that I wish real Milotic had, mostly because it's kind of a neat idea.

The worst part about it is despite being a Dark type, Umbra's Bite doesn't do much despite it being super-effective. See, Dark is counted as Special in Gen 3 and Umbra is a Physical attacker - so thank the Pokemon Team for the Physical/Special split in later generations.


We manage to take her down with relative ease thanks to Swords Dance, Slash, and the power of miracles.

Are you ready for this next Pokemon, though? It's going to blow your mind.

HOM-BEAST!

It grew a tinier claw. THAT MEANS IT'S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT POKEMON!

Seriously though, what the hell. How does this constitute as an evolution? It's pretty bad.

With that said though, I'm not going to proceed in the University for the rest of this. It's pretty late into the episode and there's things I want to show off later, so the only thing I can do now is GRINDING!

Alright, guys. This is the magic moment. Just what is Benedict going to evolve into?

...

YEAH, WE'RE DOING IT!

To be honest, though, we're not quite done yet. There's still that Leaf Stone we had back in our inventory...

YEEEAAAH BOI

Our Benedict has finally grown into a Celebi. Wunderbar!

Now that she's not a Hyperegg anymore, she needs a new name. Her name will be... Chloris. Well, that's what it will be when we finally get back to the Name Rater in Slateport. (stupid crusty old men - why can't I freely nickname my Pokemon?)

Benedict/Chloris will have to wait in the PC for now, though.

: ("As you wish, Jack. I need everybody to familiarize themselves with the new me anyway.")

Letro... your time to shine has finally come as well. Prepare yourself.

: ("EXCELLENT, JACK. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY EVER SINCE I FIRST JOINED THIS TEAM. BZZZT!")

Next time on Pokemon Snakewood, we're going to explore the University some more and do some heavy-duty grinding. See you then.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Bellamine,

, Level 38,

) - "I'm quite enjoying this University. It's very homey, especially compared to many of the other places we've been to. Also, Benedict's finally hatched into a cute little Celebi!"

(Jeanne,

, Level 41,

) - "Hear, hear. Although I'm not fond of the Milotic these actresses carry around... They seem like the snooty type."

(Valor,

, Level 39, has Plus Band,

) - "I wonder if I could be in movies. Probably as an action star."

(Letro, level 15,

/

) - Is currently training with Jack

(Umbra,

, Level 38,

) - "Hmm. I sense evil everywhere. There seems to be at least three sources, with two of them hiding in the University itself. I'd be wary if I were you, Jack...")

(Tohru,

, Level 42,

/

) - "Wahahah! Benedict turned out to be quite the fine lass! I'd be happy to teach her a thing or two about fighting."

-----------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie,

, Level 33, has Leftovers,

/

) - "Eyyyyy, Benedict! How're ya feelin' now that you're finally a Celebi?"

(Zagon,

, Level 33,

) - Is happy that Benedict evolved

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "Nyaaa~ Benedict's not an egg anymore! I guess there's hope for us in storage after all!"

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - "It looks pretty dangerous out there..."

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - "Oh snap, Benedict turned into a Celebi! And hey, Ace is back!"

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - "... Ooooh!" * Pumbloom edges up to Benedict *

(Ace,

, Level 39, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - "Godspeed, Valor. I'll be with you in spirit."

(Benedict,

, level 43,

/

) - "Hi, everybody! Aww, it's nice to meet all of you too. I mean, now that I've finally grown up."

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - Stares at Benedict blankly

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - [Takes a nap only to get spooked awake by Juno] "Oh, I'll get you for that!~

"

(Ambes,

, Level 30,

) - "Yo, did... Did Benedict evolve into a Celebi? How's that possible?! It's cool, though!"

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Wow! Everything's changing so fast around here..."

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "You said it, sis. I'm curious as to what's going to happen from now on..."

(Juno,

, Level 38,

) - "Haha! You'll have to catch me, flower girl!"

(Helmaroc,

, Level 40,

/

) - "So the egg evolved into a Celebi. Interesting."

(Menti,

, level 37,

/

) - "What's going on... in the box over? It sounds like they're having fun..." [hacks up blood]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 19 - Like a Roaring Flame
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Hmmm. Change of plans.

Letro, I'm glad you've evolved into Magneton... yet I feel like there's a certain someone that can utilize the Thunderstone to greater effect.

; ("I UNDERSTAND, JACK. DO AS YOU MUST. I'LL JUST BE GOING BACK INTO THE BOX.")

Ambes, welcome back.

: ("Whoa, for real? I... I'm ready, I suppose.")

[One grinding session later]

Alright. This is it. You ready, Ambes?

: ("Oooh boy... Yes. Let's get this over with.")

: ("W-whoa! I'm a Raichu now! Thank you, Jack! I'll do my best to help!")

We have my friend, The Composer, to thank for making these wonderful Raichu portraits for Ambes.

These two get new moves, but I don't think I ever use them. Well, Dig's a free Escape Rope so that's well and good.

Future Dan: Dude! You just handed Bellamine one of her other not-Psychic signature moves!

Let's go into this room. These are supposed to be studios, by the way, so let's go bug some actors.

Well, there's a dude fighting against a dragon. We must have invaded... every fantasy movie ever.

"What are you doing, interrupting our shoot like this? Actually, I don't want explanations - I want your blood!"

Jesus dude, calm the fuck down.

Jared here has a Gigawolf of all things. Every battle here will be dangerous as they're all high levels, which answers my question as to why the University is still safe - everybody that lives in the University is stronger than the Gym Leaders!

These guys are really hardcore about film-making.

"Fine, wander around, but don't get in our way!"

Oooh, this is gonna be fun.

"I, the Trainer Knight, shall defeat thee, foul monster!"

Riveting commentary. Seriously though, everybody tells Jack to buzz off because they're in the middle of shooting a movie - which I can't blame them for.


This movie sounds hella cheesy, though.

"This dragon costume is so hot... but don't interrupt our film!"

I feel bad for the people that stuff themselves into full-body suits like this because the heat inside must be unbelievable. Especially if it's humid.

"This TM... It's a Dark move, but I don't really have enough Pokemon to make it worthwhile. You have lots of Pokemon, right? You can use it!"

Ah. That's... cool, I guess. Also, the caption is absolutely perfect.

The only time I remember Beat Up ever being used efficiently was when an opponent's Whimsicott used it on a Justified Terrakion during a Doubles match. Things got nasty for poor old Dan that day in Pokemon Showdown.

Skipping to the next studio over, it appears we've walked into a sci-fi movie.

I think we have to do this to progress the plot regardless. Besides, what are you gonna do, son?

Good answer.

I cannot trust anybody else to do this efficiently.

AND THIS IS WHY!

DEAR LORD, LOOK AT JEANNE'S HEALTH!

She's literally one point away from dying and poisoned to boot! Poor girl must be suffering beyond any form of comprehension. Thank the lord this is not a Nuzlocke, otherwise Jeanne's death would have made me quit the game for good.

Yeah, you're telling me. Full Restores are godlike.

"Uh... So yeah, this puts me in an awkward situation... I guess you can stay and watch if you really have to."

Don't these guys have something called "re-takes"? I can understand being mad at Jack, though.

"A kid? Go away! I'm busy, and you're blocking the cameras!"

Are these guys making a movie about the zombie virus in Hoenn? Cause that would be some meta shit.

Sand Cloak is just Bright Powder under a different name. Bright Powder just being a held item that makes it so enemy attacks miss more often. Sounds pretty neat.

"I don't have to be on set for another twenty minutes... Want to battle?"

Oh yeah, and watch out for this lady if you hadn't gone to heal up your team.

She has the standard for Actresses around here. Hombeast is still a joke to me no matter how high its attack is.

Fun fact, Hombeast has Guillotine of all moves - which actually hit Tohru multiple times in practice.

This may not be a Nuzlocke, but when you get hit by stuff like that, that's certain death. Hence why I don't count it as canon.

Take note of this line and keep it in mind when we actually go to fight Veracity. She's not kidding about him being good.

Ooooh, a horror movie set!

: "Well, I'm sorry man, it was a misunderstand--"

Yeah no, that's not going to work, Jack.

Crystal Storm is supposedly a

version of Hyper Beam, considering how Ambes was barely scratched by it and the fact the Sableye had to recharge afterward.

These guys all have really intimidating Pokemon that just get putzed out of existence by Tohru's fists. Why can't we have Luxrays, Weaviles, and all of this other stuff? Shinx is like one of my favorite electric types yet we never run into one in the wild!

"... It was a mistake? Okay, I guess you can stay here if you like. I mean, filming is pretty interesting."

I like how the horror film guy is the chillest out of all of them.

: "Well, sorry for bothering you, lady."

: "Yeah, sure."

"... It just says 'Run up and down and scream a lot...'"

Genius.

It's one of those kinds of horror movies. Watch the entire audience void their bowels when it gets made regardless.

Oh hey, something actually related to plot!

"They say they're making an experimental kind of camera down in the basement... Will it put us out of a job?"

Ominous foreshadowing there. Because of this, said camera will become relevant in... 10 minutes.

"You can't really do that, you know - you have to go get a visitor's pass from Godot. I think I last saw him in the classrooms, which are to the right."

At least this guy tells us where to go. This university's huge, especially when compared to other places in the Pokemon universe.

This is where the classrooms are at. Let's go into the room to our left.

"At many points during your journey you've smelled the odor of death, but it's never boded well. Since that same odor is coming up these stairs, you decide to steer clear of them."

Intimidating, to say the least. I'll give Cutlerine slack for this one; It's stopping you from accidentally running into the boss of this area without preparation.

"This is Film Theory class. We're learning about... well, about Film Theory."

Oh yeah, this is what I meant when I said the guys here would teach us about stuff. Let's see what they have to say, shall we?

"Of all special effects, the Praxis Effect is definitely the best, don't you think?"

To the uninformed, the Praxis Effect is a big shockwave that happens in sci-fi movies like when a planet blows up.

Like so.

: "Hell yeah!"

: "Sure, man."

Film Student: "Empathetic sound matches the film, like something by NELL played over a depressing scene. The opposite is anempathic sound - like the happy music played in the intensely frustrating Inquisition Boardroom."

I'm genuinely intrigued by this because we'll be doing the same soon enough in the LP proper. Also, way to malice the fourth wall with a shoehorn, Cutlerine.

There was also a guy who talked about Double Abyss Structure, which I unfortunately forgot to screencap:

"It's where you see everything as the characters do. Like when it's dark in a film and you can't see anything either. Interesting, huh?"

I didn't expect this rom hack of all things to teach me these things. But it's definitely appreciated nonetheless.

"This is Actress class. We're learning how to be pathetic shadows of real people."

"I've heard of a Pokemon that steals guns from corpses on the battlefield... Is that true?"

Uh? As far as I'm concerned, there is no such Pokemon. I don't think even in Snakewood there's a Fakemon that fits that description.

"We're all waiting for him, so class can begin. I think maybe he went to the dorms."

Okay, more backtracking. Let's go back to the lobby and go through the middle entrance.

The dorms have the Oldale theme for some reason. Not that it bothers me - in fact the opposite because I love the music in this game.

Oh come on, this is the way to plot. You can't stop Jack from getting this over with.

Level 50?!

On the page in Pokecommunity where Cutlerine put up the rom hack, he said the hack would be "slightly more difficult" than normal. I suppose that's fine if you spell "slightly" like this.

: ("I actually beat the Milotic?! How?!")

; ("Oh well, I'm not complaining. That was pretty beast.")

You have no idea the surprise I had when Ambes took her down with just three Thunderbolts. When it happened, my jaw hit the floor something fierce because I didn't expect him to have won that easily.

: "Oh come on, flattery will get you nowhere."

: "That's nice. Have you seen Godot?"

Film Student: "He's in here. Since you're cool, you can go in."

Sweet. I was expecting a fight but this is a far better sequence of events.

Before we actually go into the room Godot is in, let's search this part first.

Actress: "No. Get away from me, film student freak!"

Narration: "You think about explaining the difference between nymphomaniac Film Students and normal guys, but give it up as a lost cause."

Sage advice. Don't try to go into the stairs next to her either, because it'll just give you a message of "dude there's an entire room of people like the actress to your left, it's a bad idea". So let's pilfer the TM instead.

Finally, something practical! Since Ghost is Physical in Gen 3, Bellamine doesn't get it. (Which you have to admit is a giant mindfuck for the supernatural and spirits to be physical of all things - thank god for the Physical/Special split in Gen 4 onwards.)

So Umbra gets it. He'll surely be able to use it to greater effect thanks to Swords Dance.

"My bed is full of smuggled Emolga from Unova... You didn't hear me say that! And there's nothing there anyway! ... You didn't believe me, no? Um... Here! Take one, but don't tell anybody!"

Oh right, the original draft of Snakewood was published in 2010... back when Black and White weren't even released to the US yet, I think.


The patch I'm currently playing is from 2013. I find it hilarious that Pokestar Studios was made 2 years after this rom hack with the Film University in it.

[Lets out a Groudon cry]
WHAT THE FUCK? This little flying squirrel has the most butch cry I've ever heard in my life!

The fact it replaced Groudon's slate aside, Emolga here isn't very special. I don't think he's going to be a part of the crew.

: "I think this joke has been laboured enough. Can I just get a visitor's pass so I can go and see Veracity, please?"

Godot: "Oh? Why do you need to see him?"

: "I've been sent here to check that everything is okay in this town. That includes Veracity."

Godot: "Intriguing. Such a great task for one so young. Very well, here's your pass."

I was expecting that to be much harder and more bullshit. Thankfully, it was not.

Godot: "Well, I don't want to keep my students waiting. I'd best be off."

[Fade to black, followed by Godot disappearing]

"Was this whole quest just an excuse for a stupid, overlong joke about Waiting for Godot? I hope not, if only for the sanity of this region..."

Ah, so that's what the reference with Godot's name was. It would make sense that Cutlerine would put in a reference to an absurdist play in a rom hack like this.

Anyway, let's go to the room on the far left in the lobby. It holds the way to Veracity's office.

Every door but the correct one will say this, by the way. Of course, the correct one has a big poster saying "VERACITY'S OFFICE" like it needed to be more obvious.

Oh, he's definitely related to Winona. They have a striking resemblance. (cough)

: "I'm Jack. Professor Birch sent me to see if everything's okay here."

: "How timely! You see, everything is in fact NOT okay here."

: "What's happened?"

: "In the basement, our researchers were working on an experimental camera that can make an entire film by itself."

: "Doesn't that render film-makers and thus yourself obsolete?"

: "I wish I thought of that earlier... Anyway, the point is that the camera is too intelligent, and has begun slaughtering researchers. This is unacceptable, so could you go and stop it please?"

Oooh, a terminator camera! While killing researchers is awful, we need to snatch this bad boy for ourselves.

"Do you always ask complete strangers to fight homicidal robots for you?"

: "Well, you look strong... And to get here from Birch, you must be powerful..."

That's true. I mean look at how far our journey has taken us since the ruins of Littleroot.

Anyway, let's make our way down to the basement.

: ("...! Jack, watch out! This is one of the forces I sensed back in the lobby!")

[Theme I would use for the X32763 Camera: Rangda Bangda W theme]

This thing is one of my favorite Fakemon in the entire game. The X32763 Camera is exactly what everybody claimed it would be - it's intelligent and strong enough to rip through the team that isn't Ambes. Plus, its backstory is one of my favorites - it's a top secret camera that grew out of control and planned to murder everything in its path terminator style.

It is also nefariously hard to catch, as I had to retry multiple times just to get it with Ultra Balls. Jeanne is also the only person on the team that is capable of harming it to a significant degree, thanks to it being part

type.

After a million Ultra Balls and some moderate injuries later, we finally manage to catch the evil camera.

"Little is known about this artificially created Pokemon, as the project was kept top secret. However, it is known to be incredibly powerful."

Damn straight.

Since X32673 is a mouthful, let's just call you Alpha instead.

SWEET CHRIST ALMIGHTY

Look at those stats! No wonder why Jeanne brought him to half health, look at the abysmal special defense he has.

But seriously though, Alpha is a powerhouse. Data Steam is his signature move - the animation for it is Lock-On, so it must be shooting off like a super electric bomb or something. (Which also has +1 priority if I'm not mistaken. That sir, is uh... busted.)

Alpha also has Levitate, which not only is super beneficial for his Ground type weakness but it also makes sense as he's stuck to the ceiling. It gets weird when we're outside or when the ceiling is too high to be plausible, though.

However, we don't need a fancy uber Fakemon to beat this part of the game. Ambes, take the Electric Honey instead. Don't eat it, though.

: ("Thanks, Jack. I'll try to resist.")

"Okay... So I've beaten that evil camera. Do I get a reward?"

: "A... reward?"

: "Most people have rewarded me on my journey so far."

: "Well, I won't! Now, if you excuse me, I need to attend to the Gym I inherited from my s-sister..."

Wow, what a dick. He doesn't have an inkling of gratitude.

Let's go sneak after him. But first...

Helmaroc, I require your assistance!

: "Haha! I was waiting for this. Don't disappoint me, boy."

Guard 2: "Hey, it is!"

Guard 1: "A Witch attack? We'd better go help Veracity!"

[The guards disappear]

... Wait. Didn't we kill all of the Witches? The timing of this is very suspicious.

Let's go inside now that they're gone, though.

[Theme I would use for this pre-boss encounter: Magic Flute]

Is that...?

"The zombie is chained up."

: "This zombie... There's something familiar about her."

[White flash]

[White flash]

Winona: "Landon, your Swellow seems less well-trained than the rest of your Pokemon... What do you have against Flying-types?"

[White flash]

: "This... this is... Winona?"

: "Zuuuuuughhh! Wuhnga!"

: "Even a Gym Leader... Winona, I'll put you out of your misery!"

[Theme I would use for this encounter: Escape from the Void]

Oh god, we're doing this. The first time I saw this happen, my heart was shattered. Like... Winona was actually one of my favorite Hoenn gym leaders. And now she's a zombie ready to claw my face off. I'm also a bit disturbed by how different she looks compared to other zombies - like she got fucked up something fierce.

The first Pokemon she has is a Dirtkrow that gets fodderized by Raichu Ambes's Thunderbolt.

Her second mon, on the other hand, is much more of a threat. See, this Grim Reaper Scyther here is fast enough to outspeed Ambes and comes equipped with Earthquake to ruin whatever electric type you happen to bring with you that isn't the super cheap Camera fakemon.

However, Helmaroc throws some rocks her way and squishes her with zero effort. I feel bad for the person who didn't grind or catch the super tough plot-related Mons Cutlerine provided.

Iron Reaper, despite being the evolution, was far easier to deal with as one hit from Jeanne's Flamethrower killed them instantly.

NO, YOU CAN'T BE

What the hell, Cutlerine?! You can't be serious! Throwing a legendary like Lugia at us? I know the Camera was designed to kill this thing, but bringing this thing here makes absolutely no sense. The challenge of this rom hack should not be pitting high-level ubers against each other!

Future Dan: It's adorable how pure you are. You're blissfully unaware of the true terror that lies past the horizon.

-----

It took practically the entire team just to kill this thing! Although I feel like a badass for getting past this without resorting to cheap tactics, this is still really dumb design.

Oh shit, here comes the big brother.

: "Veracity? Oh! I see! You've been keeping her here, right? That's why you don't let anybody in here!"

I just realized the entire University plot point has been the whole "trouble in paradise" plot point that zombie shows and movies tend to throw in to show something's bad going on behind closed doors.


Despite this, the university itself is still hella cozy and it's not like anything really horrible happened aside from the evil camera. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

: "That's right! I - if they found out, they'd kill her... I won't let that happen! I have to protect Winona, you see. You're not going to tell anyone, are you?"

What Jack says next re-cements my opinion of him as a rational person.

"You can't keep her here!"

: "I'll never let Winona go! I'll fight for her life - to the end of my own!"

[Theme I would use for Veracity: Sorrow's Distortion]

Yes, I consider him so dangerous that he gets a warning for HIS ENTIRE TEAM

Veracity is, bar none, the most difficult fight in Snakewood so far. While I think his face is a bit... strange, he has a cool design with the suit and everything. As you can tell, all of his Pokemon are Fire Types - he is the reason why Cutlerine threw the Soma and Rain Dance TM at you.

For example, his first Pokemon is Psypig. This one in particular knows Fire Blast, which is a 1-hit KO to everybody that's not Jeanne. It was actually pretty difficult to get past this one, as it required a bit of teamwork from both Umbra and Jeanne.

See, when I switched to Umbra, Psypig chose to boost repeatedly with Calm Mind even though logically it wouldn't make his chances any better. I had to manipulate the AI just to make sure Psypig dies efficiently.

I think the Sword Dances paid off after all.

Ninetales was nothing special. Helmaroc just threw two Ancient Powers at her and she died. I should probably mention that regardless of how much damage you took in the fight between Zombie Winona, you get fully healed when you get into the fight with Veracity. I am endlessly grateful for that decision.

OH, IT'S YOU!

Veracity's Torkoal is the most frustrating Pokemon in the entire game, bar none. See, all it knows are status moves such as Amnesia, Iron Defense, Double Team and Toxic. He can wall you into submission with zero effort if he really wanted to, which is why I regret not teaching Taunt to Valor earlier.

(sorry if it just disappeared in this screencap)

Umbra takes him out regardless, thanks to Swords Dance and incredible luck that the Torkoal didn't use Iron Defense or something.

This guy is going to learn the hard way why you don't mess with Jack's crew.

: ("I'm sorry I have to do this, but we have to stop your master immediately.")

Damn, Bellamine!

She nuked that guy out of existence despite being 10 levels lower than him. The drop to his special defense was well-timed.

Tohru and Ambes tag-team this Flareon.

Now... Veracity's final Pokemon. Are you ready, guys?

OH MY GOD REALLY

Ho-oh too?! So even if we brought the uber camera with us, it would have gotten melted by Ho-oh! Even if we trained Ballin into a Qwilshark, he would have probably gotten 1-hit KO-ed by Earthquake!

How are you supposed to deal with this monster without Aerodactyl?!

It has Pressure too, which makes things worse as Ancient Power only has 5 PP.

Thankfully, Helmaroc outspeeds it and lands the finishing blow. We finally got him...

[Theme I would use for this scene: Sad Story]

"Winona... I've failed you... I couldn't protect you..."

: "It's not Winona, Veracity. It's something else now, taking over her body."

: "I know... Every day, I come here with the Sacred Sword, intending to kill it... But then I see her, and I just - just can't..."

: "I can do it. I didn't know her very well. I can kill her for you."

"... Okay. Use the sword. It slices through evil with Ho-oh's fire."

Oh, that explains why he has a Ho-oh. Still though.

"One swing was all it took."

^ The above line was edited to fit the gravity of the scene, as it was originally -

Which is like way to kill the mood, Cutlerine!

: "Zuuuuggghnn!"

[Winona blinks in and out of existence]

: ".... Winona..."

: "Are you okay?"

: "... I'm fine. Here, let me heal your Pokemon. It's the least I could do for you."

[Fade to black, followed by healing SFX]

"I... Goodbye."

[Veracity walks away]

... I think we broke Veracity. I didn't expect the game to hit so hard with this plot point, given how relatively happy-go-lucky the rest of the game is.

Next time on Pokemon Snakewood, we... I don't even know. See you then, guys.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Bellamine,

, Level 41,

) - "That... that was actually kind of heartrending."

(Ambes,

, Level 43,

) - "I... I can't really keep my cool after seeing at what happened with Veracity and Winona..."

(Jeanne,

, Level 42,

) - "Veracity looked so broken as he left."

(Helmaroc,

, Level 44,

/

) - "To think, these Pokemon used to be my enemies..."

(Umbra,

, Level 42,

) - "I suppose it was her time. Keeping her in that cursed form would have been a disservice to her memory."

(Tohru,

, Level 43,

/

) - Is sitting quietly and meditating about what's happened

------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie,

, Level 33, has Leftovers,

/

) - Is in awe of the situation

(Valor,

, Level 39, has Plus Band,

) - "This is getting a bit too heavy for my tastes... *sniff *"

(Zagon,

, Level 33,

) - "Wow... Poor Veracity."

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - Is struggling to hold back tears

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Is sitting with Cherry mulling over their future

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - "... Well, that just happened."

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - * is quietly sobbing *

(Ace,

, Level 39, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - Is humbled and bows to Winona's departure

(Benedict,

, level 43,

/

) - "I... This journey's getting kind of depressing."

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - "What's going to happen to us?"

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - Stares blankly at what just happened

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Even a gym leader... Poor Veracity. He must be so heartbroken."

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "Yeah... but at the very least Ambes finally evolved. So there's that at least."

(Alpha, level 50,

/

) - "HAHAHAHA. PATHETIC THINGS. YOUR FOLLY WAS LETTING YOURSELVES BE WEAKENED BY YOUR EMOTIONS."

(Letro, level 31,

/

) - "SUCH ARROGANCE. WATCH YOUR TONGUE, ALPHA. SHOULD I HAVE TO DEMONSTRATE WHY YOU DON'T USE MAGNETS ON COMPUTERS?"

(Juno,

, Level 38,

) - Slams into Alpha full-force

(Menti,

, level 37,

/

) - "I guess... I should be lucky that wasn't my fate."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

We're nearing the end of the Snakewood. I can feel it. I might be able to get to the postgame before the year ends.

Chapter 20 - Madness Unleashed
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

We last left Jack thinking about the impact he left on Veracity.

: "Sigh... May as well leave town. There's nothing else to do here anyway."

But as we try to leave, this lady stops us to tell us something.

"You've beaten Veracity, haven't you? I know I'm right. In that case, please take the Comet Badge!"

: "Hey, thanks. This makes me feel a little better, I suppose."

Sweet. So with that said, let's make our way back towards the strange rock formation back towards Lilycove.

Not before picking up Ace, though.

: ("I'm surprised you even did. Not that I'm complaining. Let's go, Jack!")

This measly bush was to stop you from proceeding. Umbra cuts it down, though.

Now, just what can be inside this cave? Given how this game operates, it's sure to be some crazy ****.

[Current audio-in game: Unused Route 38 Theme]

Aw piss, this is going to be fun. A Flash dungeon of all things? Really?

I like the music though. Even it's unused in normal Ruby/Sapphire proper, I find it super catchy.

Thankfully, Ambes solves that problem immediately. I know I dissed Flash earlier, but the accuracy lowering is actually pretty useful in battle.

[Theme I would use for the entire Madio family: Dry Guys]

Would you believe me that this isn't even the worst part of the dungeon?

See, where we are right now is called the Madio Caves. This is where all Madio live excluding Kingmadio for some reason. They're all level 1, they're all part Ghost and they all know Teleport. I don't know why you would catch them aside from novelty - their stats are pretty horrible.

"This cave is very strange, and quite hard to get through... I can heal your Pokemon to help you if you'd like."

Thank you, but I'll pass. I'm pretty sure that the most dangerous thing we'll face in the Madio Caves is annoyance. It may not hurt the body, but it will hurt the mind.

... Cutlerine must have really not wanted anybody to enjoy this game given how much he trolls the player.

See, on top of being a Flash dungeon, the Madio Caves are another wonderful cluster**** maze with evil exits, rooms that all look the same and a lot of one-way returns. Even with savestates, I nearly tore my hair out just from how confusing this was.

Imagine this being put into a physical cartridge and playing it with just the hard save.

It's as if the cave itself is taunting you.

... Uh. I'm sorry guys, I literally don't have anything interesting to say about the kooky nature of this game anymore. I am drained of any interesting commentary or jape I could possibly have.

Bonemadio is

/

. Remember that ??? is Disease in Snakewood, so I don't want to know what Bonemadio does in its spare time.

One exit took me out here to this weird... tomato bird thing. Let's sneak up on it!

Oh, it's a cute little red bird.

He was very cooperative, as it only took one Ultra Ball to catch him. That's a good bird.

Cinderco is like a makeshift grenade. Squeeze it hard enough and it'll explode, which sounds both hilarious and terrifying at the same time. Get your own Cinderco today!

... Ahem. Well, I named him Alex because the thing he evolves into is... pretty stupid. You'll just have to see what it is.

I also went and caught an Aeromadio. I gave it no name because it doesn't technically exist as part of The Crew.

Maybe because Lilycove is blocked off? I feel bad for the people who can't climb ledges, because then they'd have to go through this surreal nightmare of a dungeon.

Even regular trainers are getting super beefy Pokemon. When everything gets scaled up in levels like this, it makes me seriously wonder what would have happened if Jack started in Fortree or something.

The Nido family is cool but they fall effortlessly to Psychic and Surf. (by the way, to all of you hawk-eyed readers, you'll notice Tohru is down a level. I mixed up the sequence of events between the Cinderco event and this fight. I apologize.)

I feel nothing but sympathy for these two. Hell, everybody who's stuck in the cave. Everybody but the Madio because they probably caused the Cave to happen in the first place.

: "OH GOD I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING!"

[Jack covers his eyes]

I should mention that we're back in Haruko's Gym, yet this dude has Pokemon that are three times stronger than even Haruko herself. Not that their levels matter much, given how Tohru and Ambes beat them up with little effort.

Ambes evolving into a Raichu was the best decision I've made yet, given how nimble he is.

: "I am so sorry to interrupt. I'll just be leaving..."

Yes, you really do have to walk back into the pirate to go back into the Madio Caves.

Another exit took me here. This is back in the Inquisition Base near Mauville, only it's in a spot we couldn't access before. Apparently, time and space in the Madio Caves is distorted to the point where just walking in one direction can land you in the other end of the region or something.

snickers immaturely at a pokeball having an afro

Seriously though, this is no laughing matter. The Afro Ball is the Master Ball of Snakewood.

This should also be an omen regarding a certain group of people...

Just... ladders. Ladders everywhere. I can't tell if I'm climbing up or getting sucked deeper into the pits of madness.

[Current audio: Rustboro City]

... Huh? What's the deal? This is the same place as before, only lit up and with the Rustboro City theme. It caught me off guard because I didn't expect the sudden change in scenery. There's no random battles in here, and going in an exit just takes you out of this spot.

It may not be a big change, but it seriously got me to check every exit to see where the hell this would take me.

: "You need to learn some manners, son."

: "Thank you, Tohru."

: ("It was nothing.")

You could have just said that instead of letting your Weavile get smashed to pieces.

"This is the Cutlerine speaking. Sorry, but this area is still underconstruction."

This is a patch that was made a year after the game was finished! How can this still be under construction?

: ("Jack! This is the force we encountered back around Mt. Pyre!")

: "Wait, what? This guy?"

: ("Don't be decieved. It's not a normal person... Perhaps we should leave. What if it tries to possess you again?")

: "... Yeah, let's get out of here."

Wait what? The screencap doesn't say it, but we're in Victory Road now? How are we here so early?

Lost Soul, huh? That means this guy's just a phantom. Despite that, he can still send Pokemon at us.

I feel bad for him because he must have died while trying to escape the Madio Cave. What a horrible way to go.

One of them being Cloyster, which is... Yeah, I won't go there. Ambes doesn't need that sort of imagery in his life.

For beating the ghost there, we get a Caramac. Nice.

"I'm studying the walls. They seem to be made of some sort of compressed jelly..."

Alright, I don't want to know what kind of "jelly" it is. The cave has gotten even more unappealing somehow.

And suddenly we're back in the Inqusition Base again. The game is dropping some giant "hints" as to who is returning.

"It seems to be searching for an item you don't have. This flimsy threshold guardian script therefore won't let you past."

Well, guess who has to come back here in the postgame then? (i don't want to but i'm the only one who can)

Future Dan: I haven't bothered to check but I don't think the ladder even really leads anywhere.

Oh hello, Ice Beam. You certainly made a late entrance into the game. Thanks for coming, though.

Whoa, we actually made it outside? Thank god.

But wait, the gentleman next to us wants to give us a proper Trainer hello.

Worse plagues, huh? Tell me, where have you visited that's worse than a place where society has collapsed?

This is his only Pokemon, by the way. I've seen some really kick-ass Rapidash fusions - my favorite is a Beedrill/Rapidash one that makes it look like a hell-horse with purple fire.

Everybody praising Jack and the Crew is how it should be, to be honest.

"Some odd-looking people turned me back further on. They said they were waiting for Jack, and that cake would be served."

: ("Cake? Jack, this doesn't sound good.")

: ("I'll say, Ambes. If they know who Jack is...")

: "Guys, I'm sure we'll be fine. It can't be a threat if it's someone we know."

: ("That's a dangerous way of thinking in of itself...")

For some reason, you can't step into the tile in front of Jack. It's like some invisible barrier.

Say hello to the Troll, by the way.

Troll: "Then I cut them up and glued the pieces together to make one!"

WHAT

[Theme I would use for A Monster: Wasteful Anthem]

Oh my god WHAT IS THAT

It's a literal Frankenstein's monster made out of pieces of Lotad, Tropius, Numel and... is that KYOGRE?! I literally cannot hope to comprehend the madness that went into this creature's creation.

A Monster is pure

type and as such has no weaknesses. It knows a bevy of powerful physical moves and can easily rip apart the team.

: ("I got frozen AGAIN?!")

Poor guy just can't catch a break with being frozen.

: ("Bellamine! Let's put this abomination out of its misery!")

: ("Agreed!")

YEAH KICK SOME ASS, LADIES

...

Joking aside, I actually kind of liked A Monster. Even if its origin was probably the most gruesome thing in the entire hack yet. Poor Pokemon just had to be in the hands of a psycho Troll.

There was an Item Ball around here that had these. Cutlerine really had an affinity for candy when he was editing the EV-Boosting items.

:

: ("THEY'RE BACK?!")

: ("Back for more, eh?!")

: ("... Why is everybody freaking out at the blue afro men?")

: ("Umbra, you're new to the team so I may as well explain. They are the Deadly Seven. They're people that consistently pester us on our adventure in an attempt to drive us insane.")

: ("... Oh. That explains everything. ")

: ("I'll teach them to leave Jack alone the hard way this time.")

[Upon encountering the Deadly Seven, they all do "!" except for one of them who does "?"]

"No, no, no! Karkov, we need to be perfectly synchronized if we ever want to make the National Surprise Team!"

: "There's such a thing?!"

(Asimov): "Ah, hello Jack! We've some cake, but we've ate it all, I'm afraid. It was that vanilla crazy cake I was making."

: "The one with arsenic?"

(Asimov): "The very same. Anyway, we wanted to have a talk with you! Go, comrades!"

[Asimov sics one of the Deadly Seven on Jack]

Oh ****, we got ambushed!

[Theme I would play for the entire 10-battle Deadly More-Than-Seven Boss Rush: [Sword of Justice] Battle (Shin Megami Tensei 2)]

Damn, the Deadly Seven really want Jack dead if they're all ganging up on him ten to one.

Screw it, we're not scared! Come on, you blue-haired lunatics!

Mikov had the usual Oddish family members. This Bellossom had a very bad time going up against Ace, despite being 9 levels higher.

: ("That wasn't even a warm up! Come on!")

[Bobov attacks]

He had an Onix and two Steelix, but Tohru swung them around with zero effort. Where would this team be without you, my wonderful sumo brawler?

(Asimov): "Yes! No rests! Except maybe one, when we'll have more cake."

: "I don't want your cake! It's deadly!"

... But it tastes good, Jack. Cake's always good unless it's coconut or pineapple. (hot stanky opinions right here)

(Asimov): "Just like my fairies! Gunkov, launch a theatrical assault!"

[Gunkov makes a gibbering yell and attacks Jack]

: ("I'd rather you not pick a fight with me.")

And by the skin of her teeth, Bellamine manages to take down this monster.

Since we're at it, Kenchukuo is the evolution of Kenchira. It is now a

/

beast with tremendous Attack and SPEED BOOST to ruin any poor sap's day.

WHOA ACE MANAGED TO GET ONE TOO?!

... Just as I expected from the master of the skies.

"I won't be able to beat you all in one go!"

I agreed with Jack while playing because I didn't know if I could make it or not. Even if I had prepared for it, this would still have been harsh to deal with.

(Asimov): "You lose ten points! Karkov, show Jack what point reduction really is!"

(Karkov): "Pumpkin fairy POINT REDUCE SMASH BOLT!"

Prime example right here. Look at how roughshod the entire team was just from the first few fights! Healing had to be delivered in expresso because I honestly thought I was going to lose.

Ambes takes out the trash and defies his Type Weaknesses.

: ("Who wants some more?!")

: ("... *pants heavily* I really shouldn't taunt them in this condition.")

(Asimov): "Robotnov, show us your Computank ability!"

(Robotnov): "Computank... activate!"

So he's actually a robot? That's not just his name?!

Don't look at them or you'll turn to stone!

Robotnov has a Crobat too, which looks much better than the pre-evolutions due to not having a mangled Gen 1 sprite.

As the ultimate insult, Ambes doesn't even use all of his strength to get rid of the Crobat.

I like to imagine Ambes uses Flash with his tail and just puts it in front of Crobat's face in an attempt to blind him.

Oh thank god. I don't know how I would have been able to continue if this wasn't here.

: "Finally!"

(Asimov): "Eat this cake!"

: "No, it's deadly! ... Actually, that's quite tasty."

See what I told you, Jack? I don't put it past him for not trusting the Deadly Seven, though.

[The cake fully heals the entire team]

(Asimov): "Now, for Rolv's super jump kick finale!"

Rolv had two Metangs, but they weren't anything special. Metagross was such a threat though that I had to put Confuse Ray on him.

(Sputnov): "Here's my latest Paranoia!"

Yeah, nobody cares. If you yell "I AM A ROM HACKER" again, I swear I will deck you on the schnoz.

His only Pokemon are three Ampharos. Their strategy is to slow you down to a snail's pace with Cotton Spore and paralysis, which doesn't affect my team at all considering the thing I'm concerned the most about is hitting hard.

: "Can what?"

(Vladov): "Can party way, way, WAY too hard!"

Whatever party these guys make/attend is sure to become a disaster.

That's one hell of a dopey sprite, but don't be fooled. Ramshaker is a monster of a Fakemon. It is a

/

type that has tremendous bulk and strong enough moves to stampede through whatever team you have. It is the evolution of Calfby with equal Attack and Defense, so it's like the Hitmontop of that family.

Oh and to stop you from winning too easily, this beast comes equipped with the Chaos of Oden (Focus Band) to get a sort of comeback victory.

: ("I'm not surprised such a creature associated itself with these madmen. Now, if you'll please.")

I'm glad Jeanne is here with the Confuse Ray + Burn strategy. It's surprisingly versatile given how far behind the team tends to get with levels.

-

Future Dan: Just wait until Dark Rising 2 where she can do the same thing but she always has the sun out thanks to Drought.

-

I need to break out Reggie some time in the future.

Oh, and Tohru tore apart the Miltank while everybody else was sitting around and stretching their legs.

: ("We're almost there, I think. For a ten-on-one, they're surprisingly not that difficult.")

(Adolv): "At the ready! Let's make a FWFL scene!"

: "What the hell is FWFL?!"

FWFL is an acronym for "future wife for life." So uh...

I do not want any part of this.

Adolv has two Dragonairs and this Dragonite, who's ready to receive the most painful Ice Punch in his life.

[Ambes used Ice Punch!]

It just repeats what it said the last time, but hey a full heal is always appreciated. Even though this is the part where I didn't need it at all.

: "What does that even mean?"

I'm surprised Jack is still even trying to comprehend these nutjobs. I gave up trying a long time ago.

He has three Tyranitars, by the way. So this pretty much happened.

: ("OH ****!")

[Tohru used Rock Smash!]

: ("Done, and done. That should be the last of them.")

(Asimov): "... Wahahaha! That was a fun cake party! Shall we go, gang?"

: "Please do!"

(Asimov): "Hee! You'll see us later, don't worry. For now, just remember that there's a lot of traitors left in Hoenn you don't know about yet. Byeeee!"

... That's not sinister at all. Yeah, just get outta here.

: "Thank the lord, they're gone."

: ("I see what you meant when you said the Deadly Seven were annoying. Just hearing them talk almost made me want to maul them.")

: ("The fact they were ready to jump us like that was terrible, but you should have seen their faces when we powered through them all. They were trying to hide it, but they reeked of shame and humiliation.")

: ("We got rid of them at the very least. Let's go into the nearest Pokecenter and relax.")

I can't imagine what would have happened if I hadn't prepared for this beforehand. It wouldn't have been pretty.

For all your troubles, you can get a Sun Stone here. Any evolution item is welcome as long as one of the Crew can utilize it.

It only gets better from here, guys.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Bellamine,

, Level 42,

) - "Our victory over the Deadly Seven should get them off our backs for a while."

(Ambes,

, Level 46,

) - "We plowed through 'em! Our teamwork can get through any obstacle!"

(Jeanne,

, Level 45,

) - "That it can Ambes. Although I'm not quite sure how much longer our tricks can work on these advancing threats."

(Ace,

, Level 40, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - "I can't believe I actually defeated one of those creatures. That's usually Bella's job, but what the hell I'll take it."

(Umbra,

, Level 42,

) - "It seems like there's forces approaching outside the Pokemon Center. I'd be wary if I were you, everyone."

(Tohru,

, Level 46,

/

) - "Hwahahaha! Don't worry about it, Umbra. There's no need to fear underneath Jack's leadership."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie,

, Level 33, has Leftovers,

/

) - "You guys sure are takin' real good care of those mokes. I'm curious as to what's coming up next."

(Valor,

, Level 39, has Plus Band,

) - "Hey, Zagon. How was working with Jack like before I came onto the team?"

(Zagon,

, Level 33,

) - "Let's see... It was only me, Ambes, Ace, Bella, and Reggie back then. Oh, and Benedict back when she was an egg. We weren't evolved, but everything seemed a lot easier back then..."

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "Ooooh, let me at those nasty Deadly Ten or something! They get my blood boiling, nya!"

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Is sitting with Cherry mulling over their future again

(Ballin,

, level 14,

/

) - "Yo, is... is it just me or is everything getting really hard all of a sudden? Like you noticed how much trouble even the active Crew had?"

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - "Yeah... It sure is scary to think about what else might be left to fight."

(Helmaroc,

, Level 44,

/

) - "Master Famine was a coward compared to Jack. I made the right choice when I switched loyalties."

(Benedict,

, level 43,

/

) - "Got your nose, Spark!"

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - "... Jack. Are you ever going to train me and Krusha?"

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - "Ooh, a fine job, team! Show those nasty blue-haired men what for!" *does cheerleading motions with her rose-hands*

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Aah! You scared me, Juno."

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "Ack! I'll get you, Benedict! Uh, I mean Chloris!"

(Alpha, level 50,

/

) - "LETRO, HOW CAN YOU HAVE COMPASSION FOR ANY OF THESE CREATURES? YOU'RE A MACHINE LIKE ME."

(Letro, level 31,

/

) - "I MAY BE A MACHINE, BUT I'M NO SERIAL KILLER. FOR BEING SUCH AN "ADVANCED" MODEL, YOU ARE HEARTLESS... DEFECTIVE! UGH, I'M TEMPTED TO THROW DOWN WITH YOU RIGHT HERE."

(Juno,

, Level 38,

) - "So, how's it going, little Pichu girl?"

(Menti,

, level 37,

/

) - "It's so... cold here. But the thermometer says it's 75 degrees. Well, to be fair, I can't really tell..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 21 - Dragon King's Blessing
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

I still can't believe that the Deadly Seven were smart enough to gang up on you ten to one (Well, if you add all the Pokemon that's... a lot to seven. I'm not going to peek back to see how many there were).

It's an effective strategy, but damn! Let that be the standard for the game's difficulty from now on.

"We're having a drinking contest. Want to join?"

Sure, man. Jack needs another drink after everything he's done so far.

: ("Jack, are you really doing this again?!")

("This is a bottle of Shoggoth's Old Peculiar... This is definitely a step up from Magmar Whiskey. This could get messy...")

Maybe we should have listened to Bellamine's warning and not done this, but we can't chicken out now.

Why did Cutlerine make Jack sixteen again? Why didn't he settle for at least early twenties?

... Well, that's my canon age for him now.

"The Shoggoth's Old Peculiar tried to burn a hole in your soul, but you've blackened it too much with zombie killing. Okay!"

All of these messages are randomized, but I had to get this one for the sake of hilarity. The Shoggoth's Old Peculiar is like the alcohol of the Elder Gods, given how a few sips can sear through Jack's skull and make him see through time to get visions of Cthulhu. When you lose this one, it says Jack loses ninety critical brain circuits and passes out like he's been hit with a sledgehammer.

Like hot damn, Jack even being able to handle this level of drink means he's superhuman.

Oh boy, they're losing it.

"A bolt of lightning cleaves Tones in two... The Lord Thy God is a vengeful god..."

Shades: "Did Toneshhh jusssht die?"

Holy ****!

Never challenge Arceus's drinking skills or you'll pay the ultimate price.

I chuckled like a madman at this entire scene, alright.

"Jack threw the Shoggoth's Old Peculiar high into the sky and caught the falling drops of liquor one by one on his tongue with lightning speed. Ideal!"

See what I mean by superhuman?! That's some Matrix ****.

"Shades projectile vomited and launched himself backwards into the wall, knocking himself out! It looks like Jack won!"

Excuse me, it looks like he won? He annihilated them and now the Pokecenter is irreversibly painted with Shades's lunch.

"In time-honoured tradition, Jack stole the Film Students' wallets! Jack stole 100,000 Pokedollars!"

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Jack is the king of the drink!

However, since such an exposure to Elder God level beer would inevitably kill Jack later on, let's say this part didn't happen. 100,000 Pokedollars is chump change.

Oh yes, this is what the chef sells you. Blue Fish and Pink Ink have no worth in the game itself, but they do reference a Dr. Seuss book. The Red Stew is what we really need, although even I don't know what it's for.

Ballin, my boy. Your time has come to prove yourself to the Crew.

: [Sputters incoherently] ("Really, Jack?! I didn't expect this, but... I'm ready!")

I should mention that the entire city of Lilycove has been taken over by Inquisition Footmen and they're all back with a vengeance.

There was one right next to the Pokecenter, but Umbra took him out no problem.

[Breaks out the disco lights]

Let's dance.

Sure, it doesn't look any different than other Inquisition set-ups aside from the Cradily... but their Hombeast has a new move. It is called... the Curse Claw. It's an instant kill if it connects and I have to assume it is painful beyond comprehension, hence why I'm glad nobody got hit by it.

... Outside of practice runs, of course.

Any experience is good experience. You know, for the longest time, I've been part of the bandwagon that didn't know what type Cradily was. I guess that was attributed to it being the only

/

Pokemon in existence.

That's... a bit of a departure from the rest of the dialogue we've had in this game.

Back in chapter 5 or so, this would have been phenomenal for Tohru to do. Now though, it's just his daily workout routine. He has an Armaldo too, but Bellamine blasts it away off screen.

... fun fact everybody, "hijo de puta" is spanish for mother****er

cutlerine you sneaky little man, putting foreign obscenities in your hack

"I am from Spain region. Illegal immigrants find good work here with current economic climate, no?"

what the hell do i even say to this

Let's just move on.

"I am one of the Inquisition's Five Ninja! Authorized to use Ninja Pokemon - for Ninja purposes only!"

We're under attack by Ninjas! Everybody panic!

Oh. Why was I scared? Beedrill, even with a STAB-boosted super effective Pin Missile, couldn't take Bellamine's health below half. Poor sucker doesn't get respect until his Mega Evolution comes by in Gen VI, so for now Bellamine swats his wings off.

Sevicious was here too, but Ambes took pretty good care of him thanks to liberal use of Flash and Thunderbolt.


Sevicious and

/

Milotic seriously need to be a thing in the real games.

I can't think of anything but Naruto, even despite the fact I haven't seen anything related to Naruto in several years. (Real ninja tend to be way cooler anyway)

"But step through that door, and you're giving yourself up for dead."

He's trying to intimidate Jack like the fight inside of the motel is worse than what we had to deal with to get into Lilycove. (spoiler: it's not)

Before we do that, though, let's mess around with a Footman before we enter.

See, I told you the Hombones were rental Pokemon. That sort of explains why most villainous teams use the same Pokemon over and over again unless they're Admins.

Ambes beat this dude at his own game. Breloom's specialty is punching things yet even he lost to Ambes's Ice Punch.

I made the right decision after all.

No, what you needed was a team that covered most, if not all, of your bases.

"I'm Randolph, and I collect certain Pokemon from the Numra region, like Magenpies. My Magenpies love Blue Rocks, and I love my Magenpies - bring me a Blue Rock and I'll teach your Pokemon new (or old) moves."

Oh sweet, there's the Move Tutor. Don't get too excited though, because this guy is a psycho. See that green-haired lady over there? Randolph thinks she's a Magenpie and is holding her here against her will. So uh... let's get the hell out of here.

Would you look at that, the docks were destroyed. I don't know why they would suddenly pop out of existence. It would have been easier to leave them unedited but unusable, but then again I'm not Cutlerine.

Hey, it's Chloe! Let's get some answers as to why the Inquisition is against Jack again.

"Everyone's trying to kill me!"

: "Hmph. Of course. You've served your purpose - you got rid of the Horsemen for us. Now, since you're a threat to our government, prepare to die! Guards!"

Oh, would you look at that! Both Taoists in the game are assholes. Gleis and Chloe have both been evil pricks since the beginning, and honestly I don't even understand this mindset. Why is she trying to attack Jack instead of manipulating him over to her side? At least make an effort. Have it fail spectacularly.

[Two footmen enter the room and corner Jack]

"Damn it! I can't take you all on like this for another two generations!"

Oh no, we are trapped by the limitations of the game! Whatever shall we do.

[Two dragons enter from the front door and attack the Footmen]

"Three people against one, and with zombie backup. What say you, Dragon Visigoth?"

(Visigoth): "I concur, Dragon Hun. Shall we take on these buffoons?"

(Hun): "I believe we should, as per his Majesty's commands. Jack, you take down this woman. We shall hold off these fools!"

Wait. Did we just get saved by Meteor's soldiers? Excellent timing.

[Theme I would use for the fight with Chloe: Vile Battle theme]

Chloe, your sprite needs some work babe. There's so many ugly gray splotches. That, and she's pretty much Lucy with differently colored hair and white pants. Her battle strategy is just as impressive as she looks, given how nothing she has should be a threat.

Case in point as our two regulars whip two of her Pokemon with ease.

If this were Gen 6, this would be a different story. But for now Wigglytuff is weak to getting punched in the face.

: ("Oh no, you got me.")

[Bellamine used Psychic!]

: ("Perhaps you should have attacked me first. Not that it matters anymore, of course.")

You know, despite several of Alicia/Horseman War's Pokemon getting casually beaten off by the The Crew at their current levels, I still hold her fight with high spirits. Chloe on the other hand is just pathetic.

Having a four times weakness to Fighting must be horrendous. Mega Aggron being pure Steel with an ability that weakens super-effective moves helps a lot, but regular Aggron? What should be a match made in Heaven for physical bulk crumbles the instant someone even flicks a finger at it.

Apparently, all Taoists have Faceleech for some reason. In terms of use, however, Faceleech has long since become obsolete as its incredible attack and speed isn't enough to take anybody down anymore. Ambes was hit with a Poison Fang by this thing, and it only took him to down half health. Ambes is not known for his bulk, which must be especially embarassing for Faceleech.

: ("I remember being so scared of fighting this thing yet now I don't even need to outspeed it.")

: ("Pretty disappointing for what's supposed to be the killer app of the Taoists, haha.")

Damn straight.

"Damn it. Alakazam, use Teleport!"

[Chloe disappears instantly]

And that's the last we ever see of her. Goodbye Chloe, nobody will remember you existed.

(Visigoth): "We ate them."

: "And the zombies?"

(Hun): "Them too."

: "... Oh."

^ My reaction exactly.

(Hun): "Dr. Blackthorn conveyed a message to His Majesty. Then we were ordered to come and help you. Please, ride on my back, and we'll take you to Mossdeep."

Huh. So the good doctor... was actually a good doctor. Interesting. Let's see how this plays out.

[Current audio in-game: Rustboro theme]

Fort Draco, huh? So the dragons took over Mossdeep and turned it into a dragon fortress. That sounds... pretty rad, honestly.


But where did the people go?

: "Oh, hero? I wouldn't say that but thanks."

Yeah, everybody that lives here is a dragon and they all like Jack. I wonder why.

I should mention that they built a Pokecenter and a Pokemart just for us, which makes them the nicest people we've met so far.

"These are something I took from a muscular-looking human a long time ago. I would like you to have them, to thank you for letting Meteor smile once again."

Awwww. Sure.

Well, it's the thought that matters. The Dumbbells boost Effort Values when you beat up Pokemon, but I don't see much use for it in a rom hack.

: "Oh. Well, of course."

They give us the Kingdra Rod, which is pretty much the Super Rod of Snakewood. Appropriate given how this place is surrounded by water.

"Come back when you've obtained the Secret of the Magi."

Well, that sure was helpful. I don't even know what this is about, but I have to assume it involves postgame secrets.

"This tunnel is the sole link between the Fort and the outside. Hence why there are three of us guarding it here."

Well, this place is pretty hefty to begin with. Nothing will be able to get in here, especially now that Jack is here.

Net Balls are a neat idea, but we have the team finalized except for some movesets and evolutions.

"The perfect place to let your pets get some exercise, don't you think?"

Endless Plains has and will always remain a mystery to me. All of the Pokemon here look like they're having fun though, so I guess that's fine and good.

"This is my Charizard. It gathers information about the region for me."

Ah, so that's the Charizard we keep encountering across our adventure. That explains a lot.

(hell that's even what the text says when you talk to the Charizard)

"Ah, Jack. Meteor had us rebuild the Pokecenter and Pokemart specifically for you. I hope you enjoy them."

Man, Meteor sure is a generous guy all of a sudden by having his men build stuff for Jack. Not that I'm complaining, of course.

"Ah, Jack... I could, if you wish, fly you to our training hall, which might be useful for you. Alternatively, I could fly you to the Tower."

Oooooh, decisions. However, let's back off his offer for now and go talk to the big guy himself.

: "I'll be right back."

I just realized I might have done this out of order, given how you had to talk to Meteor first but it's no big deal.

"Jack! I am so glad that you arrived here safely. Thank you, a thousand times thank you for rescuing my daughter!"

: "It was nothing, really. Here, take her back."

[Jack returns the Egg to Meteor]

(Meteor): "Thank you again. In return, please take this!"

Oh damn, we just got the best move in the game for travel. Meteor is a pretty cool guy. Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot?

(Meteor): "That's the HM for Fly. With that move, you can move about Hoenn without relying on Dragon Hun to carry you everywhere."

: "Thanks!"

Dr. Blackthorn: "By the way, before you leave, you might want to speak to Dragon Hun. He said he would take you to some interesting places."

: "Oh?"

[Dr. Blackthorn walks way only to turn around and talk to Jack]

Dr. Blackthorn: "By the by, Jack, the forces of the East have moved into Lilycove, looking for you. They're catching up fast, so be wary, understand?"

: "... Okay."

I love how Jack's reaction to this is just "oh boy more migraines for me to deal with".

[Dr. Blackthorn leaves the room for real this time]

"You may count on our support whenever you require it."

: "Well, you're welcome. Sorry about calling you an overgrown lizard earlier... it was the adrenaline speaking, you know?"

(Meteor): "That's long been forgiven. You are free to stay here if you so wish. Our fortress will always be a home for you, hero."

Well, now I have a new place for Jack to live if the zombie apocalypse ever blows over.

Alright Ace. Are you ready to claim the skies as your own?

: ("You call the shots, chief.")

Aw yeeeeah. Let's use it right now.

Oh, cocktease!

The Training Hall it is, then.

[Fade to black]

Ah, it's underground. Let's see just what this Training Hall is even about.

Oh, this looks complicated. But trust me when I say it's not. It's just some fighting and that's it. No real tricks.

"We took the floor tiles from the Gym here and built a maze. It trains the mind as well as the body!"

I both loved and hated the original Gym for Liza and Tate. Mostly because it was convoluted but at the same time it was... creative? I dunno.

With a name like that, you can tell he specializes in Water types.

And yes, there are six of them. There are no other trainers in the gym aside from a special someone.

MOLTRES?!

Everybody just has legendaries now. I don't know how to feel about this, but I can at least say it's kind of justified given how this Dragon isn't just any average joe.

Despite the intimidation factor, Ambes shoots down the Moltres with a few thunderbolts.

: ("Man, Jack, you sure picked the best time to evolve me into a Raichu. Everything's weak to either my Thunderbolt or Ice Punch. It's pretty surreal.")

The next fight over is with this guy. His name stems from Olympus Mons, a mountain on the surface of Mars that is nearly triple the size of Mount Everest. Let that be a good indication of what kind of Pokemon he uses.

Shadow Ball proves to be infinitely useful. The AI itself seems to be confused as to whether Shadow Ball is physical or special given how back in the fight against Veracity, the ever-lovable Torkoal used Amnesia more than Iron Defense to block it.

You would think this is a horrendous idea, given that Whiscash could tear Jeanne into pieces with Earthquake even with halved attack. Surprisingly, he succumbed to Confuse Ray and wound up putting my plan into progress.

It consisted of Tohru wailing on the thing until it cried out uncle.

Ambes keeps defying his type weaknesses. Ice Punch is so good.

You're telling me. This team is made up of normal Pokemon instead of the "super special brand new" Fakemon Cutlerine wants you to use to cheese the game instead. Not to say there won't be any in the future, given how Valor and Ballin are due to evolve, but I'm just saying.

Ah yes. We're already up to the third of the Six Elements. I'll give Cutlerine credit for not making this torture.

A fancy dragon typing isn't enough to save you from your fate of being a fried seahorse.

: "Oh, really? Tell that to my Raichu, then."

You know, in hindsight, this entire sequence is more of Ambes's training montage than anything else, given how he keeps doing most of the work.

This Skarmory uses the last of her strength to puke spikes all over the ground, but alas. The battle's already over.

: "I'm not giving you points for the wind puns."

Wait a minute... We beat four guys.

,

,

and

respectively. Where's the other two?

Oh whatever. We're at the end, anyway.

"You defeated the Four Horsemen... and now you have overcome the powerful Six Element Dragons. I cannot begin to comprehend from where your spirit rises... But I will strive to emulate your warrior's heart!"

: "En garde, Dragon King."

[Theme I would use for the fight against Meteor now: Wisdom of Ages]

Here we go. The final fight against Meteor, and this time under the prospect of a gentleman's challenge rather than "I'm going to kill you." I like this fight a lot, as you can tell by the more serious music.

Meteor's seriously stepped up his game since the last time we've fought him, with his team being more well-rounded. It took me a few tries to beat him, and I assure you it wasn't stupid at all.

: ("Oh hey, you're the guy I beat up before. Look, I'm sorry for what happened before.")

Dragon: ("It's fine. I can take another beating for His Majesty as long as it's for a higher purpose. Now prepare yourself.")

: ("Yeah, of course.")

Tohru handled the Kingdra because Ambes was taking too much of the spotlight.

Oh, this was one was masterful. See, this guy used Fire Pump/Flamethrower and it wound up activating Synchronize, leaving both of them with burns. Given how Dragons are primarily physical fighters aside from Fire Pump, this screwed him over something fierce.

Hi, Altaria. This one in particular knows Fury Dance (which is just Dragon Dance but more... angry) and will not hesitate to spam it to completely overpower whatever you have.

Ambes shoves a four times weakness in his face for his troubles.

Don't be confused, this is a different one than the one she fought just a second before. It was slightly stronger. That's the only difference.

Surprisingly enough, I give this dude a warning despite him being the same

The level difference will really bite you on this one. He has the same moves as the last few Dragons, but the extra oomph might be too much if you didn't grind.

* pictured above - powered by multiple Swords Dances. The result? *

"There's no way for a Dragon to beat a Trainer Knight..."

I didn't know the fantasy movie back in the University was actually foreshadowing.

"I have conferred upon you the title of Knight, because you are a warrior that surpasses even draconic power. Ah! But that is not nearly enough. Take this, too!"

Oh?

"That Technical Machine contains a move that works best when performed by Dragons. Use it wisely. Knight Jack, you are truly an amazing figure. You will be welcome in Fort Draco for as long as you live."

Oh, that just touches my heart right there. That sure is a hell of a way to show off gratitude for everything Jack and the Crew have done.

Oh hey, Birch is calling. I wonder what he wants.

"This guy called Tones has just called me up from Lilycove. The city's been flooded with zombies, led by some weird guys. There's an old man, a man dressed in white and black, and a guy in a suit with blue magic beams!"

: "Gleis and Temulence?!"

: "You know them?"

: "We've crossed swords before..."

"Swords."

: "But that's not all! Jack, Tones said he saw a Swampert there, fighting the zombies!"

: "... So?"

Jack, show more respect for a Pokemon that fights the undead single-handedly.

"That's your brother's signature Pokemon!"

: "Landon!"

: "Exactly! Get to Lilycove as soon as possible!"

: "Right!"

[Jack hangs up]

Things sure are heating up around here, aren't they?

Ace, you are cleared for takeoff.

: ("Roger that!")

Sorry to leave you guys on a cliffhanger, but next time on Pokemon Snakewood we get into some high-stakes action. See you then.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Bellamine,

, Level 42,

) - "What did Birch mean by an 'old man'? For some reason, I can't help but shiver the closer we get to Lilycove."

(Ambes,

, Level 47,

) - "You're right, miss Bellamine! I'm trembling too! What in the world is going on over there?"

(Jeanne,

, Level 45,

) - "It seems to be the work of some dark power... I can't put my paw on what it might be, but it's powerful. Keep your guard up, everybody."

(Ace,

, Level 40, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - Is currently surveying the land below and notices a flood of undead

(Ballin,

, level 31,

/

) - "Whoa! So much stuff is happening at once... I can't keep track!"

(Tohru,

, Level 46,

/

) - * cracks knuckles in anticipation *

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie,

, Level 33, has Leftovers,

/

) - "They be beasting 'em."

(Valor,

, Level 39, has Plus Band,

) - "Jack's a Knight now. Niiiice."

(Zagon,

, Level 33,

) - "The dragons all seem like very nice people."

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "Nya... Even Ballin got a chance to go. I want to go fight zombies too, nya..."

(Krusha,

, level 12,

/

) - Gets shivers at what might happen

(Umbra,

, Level 43,

) - "Don't worry, Alice. I'm sure you'll get your chance to bust some heads."

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - "Wow! Ballin, be careful! You can do it!" * jumps up and down *

(Helmaroc,

, Level 44,

/

) - "This force... It can't be... Him, can't it?! No, His presence shouldn't be known in the mortal realm..."

(Benedict,

, level 43,

/

) - "Oooh! Way to go, Jack! I'm rooting for you!"

(Cherry,

, level 12,

/

) - "... What is Helmaroc talking about?"

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - "Fort Draco looks like an excellent vacation spot. I'd love to live there."

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Ambes is really pulling his weight out there. He's such a cool big bro."

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "I know, right? Especially since we lost Big Sis..."

(Alpha, level 50,

/

) - "LETRO, YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW I FEEL. LOOK AT WHAT HUMANITY HAS WROUGHT WITH THIS DISEASE THAT PLAGUES THE LAND. I DO WHAT I DO TO STOP THE WORLD FROM GETTING WORSE. EVEN THE ONE YOU CALL JACK IS FLAWED."

(Letro, level 31,

/

) - "YOU'RE A PRODUCT OF A FILM UNIVERSITY, RIGHT? YOUR ACTING IS PRETTY GOOD, BUT I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY OF THIS. YOU JUST WANT BLOOD TO BE SHED. YOU DON'T INTEND ON HELPING ANYBODY, DO YOU? BZZZT!"

(Juno,

, Level 38,

) - "Aaaagh! What is going on in Lilycove? It's like I'm getting crushed the closer we get!"

(Menti,

, level 37,

/

) - "Wh... It's so terrifying... I also feel... more powerful for some reason. Is this an omen...?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

Alright, guys. PC has officially caught up with the updates - every chapter from now on will be current events as I've yet to put up Chapter 23 on the other forum where Snakewood is put up. (At the time of writing, of course.)

We're getting into the endgame, so get pumped.

Chapter 22 - The Dark One
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Alright, we've finally arrived in Lilycove and this place is infested with zombies. Strangely enough, they won't attack you or... do anything, really. Isn't this supposed to be an invasion?

Whatever. Let's just go up the steps.

[A wave of dark energy floods past Jack and the Crew]

: "!!"

: "What the hell was that?!"

: ("This dark power... It's so dense and vile that I can barely move my legs. We need to get rid of the source immediately!")

: ("It reeks of decay. Perhaps this... "old man" is the one that brought the undead here?")

: ("If he's the one sending off this aura, then he's far worse than Gleis or Temulence. Let's move, guys!")

: "Everything we get ourselves into just winds up taking a turn for the better, doesn't it?"

[Current audio in-game: Heavy Rainfall]

Hey, it's Dantalion. Just what can he pull out to slow down Jack and the crew?

Dantalion: "... I think you know why we are here."

: "You're after me, right? Well, come on then! I'll beat you all, just like I beat the Horsemen!"

Man, Jack really grew a pair after defeating the Horsemen and gaining Meteor's trust. His confidence is just a bit infectious.

Dantalion: "Do you believe in fate, Jack?"

: "What?"

: "Of course... What's the point? Fight me!"

The fact he's willing to throw fisticuffs is proof enough that Jack's had enough of this nonsense.

Dantalion: "How can the flashbacks be real if they showed you a life with Alicia? A life that never existed?"

: "Stop - stop messing with me... They have to be real!"

Dantalion: "Do they? Has anyone told you the truth so far? Even Professor Birch... How can you trust him?"

: "Shut up!"

"All the Horsemen needed to do was put false memories in your brain using that psychic dragon egg, and you're reduced to this..."

: "Just - just shut up!"

Dantalion: "I've given you enough to think of... Goodbye."

[Dantalion enters the building]

... Wow, um. Dantalion has harmed Jack more than any other villain so far and only with successful mind games. No brawling or anything.

Let this set the tone for the rest of the game, because it's going to get pretty serious from now on. I'm not kidding.

Damn it, I can't just cheat my way up the floors. I should also mention that since the way-too-happy Lilycove theme is playing, I believe this song would be more fitting for the situation at hand.

MORE GODDAMN DEADLY WHO THE HELL CARES

Oh, wait. They're actually... helping us fight the zombies?! It can't be all that good though. What crazy retort is he going to give us this time?

: "You want ME to help YOU? And why are you so serious now?"

(Mikov): "Now is not the time for explanations, Jack! Travelling upwards here is the Dark Lord of the East, and if he gets to the top, this war against the dead is lost!"

... No way. Now they finally decide to stop being annoying? Why couldn't they have done this earlier?

: "... I'm going to regret this..."

You sure are, sonny jim.

Barbara, huh? What do you have to show to Jack that's so scary?

Okay, that's pretty scary.

See, what Headdoom (uuugh) here used was a move called Bright Idea - it's effectively the Nasty Plot of Snakewood. If she tried to use Fire Pump on anybody that's not Jeanne, there wouldn't even be anything left. It's a priority that you kill Headdoom as fast as possible before she gets Bright Idea off, otherwise you might regret it.

Poliwraith here is a bit less dangerous, but she still has a Dynamic Punch to annihilate you with.

... That Ambes got hit with in practice. It's like the game wants to show these moves off, but I can't allow that because then that would kill the team!

[Mikov goes up the stairs]

Okay, so they've ditched the whole stupid act? What is even going on in this game anymore?

Well, he's not trying to annoy us so that's good.

: "Alright..."

It's like a bizarro-bizarro scenario where everything stops being crazy and returns to some form of sanity.

OH JESUS!

Yuck used Sludge Bomb and I swear to god if this were Gen VI, it would have killed Bellamine outright! Then we'd have a zombie Gardevoir on our hands!

With Bellamine it would have probably have been a repeat of Winona, and that wouldn't help anybody.

Full Restores are truly a saving grace.

Ambes frying this Azombarill made me think. We should probably get Menti to evolve into one so we'd have our own Azombarill. That'd be neat.

"Thanks. But we need to hurry! I don't know how much longer Asimov can hold That Man off!"

What is That Man going to do that is so harrowing that it requires the Deadly Seven to stop acting like escaped mental convicts?

: "Order?"

(Gunkov): "Explanations later! Let's go!"

[The Battle Zombie below him attacks Jack]

God damn, that was close!

See, this Gorelax used Hyper Beam and nearly wiped Tohru off of the face of the planet. The team is getting into real dire straits with all of these super zombies, because even our type advantage counters are running into serious trouble.

"Karkov! Robotnov! They're in terrible danger!"

Yeah, you do you. I'm gonna go up the stairs at my own pace.

: "Further away than ever, no thanks to you. Now, prepare to be defeated!"

: "Hmph. This afro'd man has knocked out a few of my Pokemon, but Faceleech and I will still triumph easily!"

Faceleech? The Fakemon that everybody on the team can counter just by breathing on it?

Oh yeah, I swapped out Ace for Umbra. I needed the extra muscle from Swords Dance.

Step up your game, Gleis. Nobody's even remotely scared of this thing anymore.

Wait, what?

My little pufferfish has finally grown up!

: ("Whoa! This is awesome! I'm finally able to do something for the Crew! Jack, I can't thank you enough!")

I had put off uploading new updates for a while that I forget some details. This, though, is pretty goddamn rad.

"This was all just because the man with the afro fainted four of my Pokemon... I must rally some force from the outside!"

Oh yeah, it's not because you're a sore loser or anything, nooo.

"Whew... Thanks. But the others still need our help! We can't let That Man reach the top!"

Yeah, we need to hurry.

What person in real life goes "fufufu" anyway?

: "You? You aren't half as hard as Gleis. I'll beat your Denjuu again!"

: "Oh, I don't need them anymore. You're right, they were weak - so I went back to my original team of Pokemon!"

[Just replay Super Cool No. 1]

So Temulence was originally a Pokemon trainer? The Denjuu thing was just a phase? Interesting.

Gyarados ain't got **** on Ambes.

Bellamine shows why Gardevoir are OU.

temulence we need to have a talk

DO YOU REALLY HAVE AN ENTEI

Come on, man. We have to fight all the Legendary Dog/Cat/Whatevers now? I'm not even surprised at this point.

Tohru weathers through the fire and smacks Entei around.

Machamp have always creeped me out. It's the face.

Yeah, run back to your "master". Tell him Jack is coming for him.

"He uses the most violent and destructive ones he can find, it seems. We'd better go. That Man must have almost finished the ceremony by now."

Oh man, we need to split.

Under normal circumstances, this would have prompted a "CUTLERINE!!!!!

" but, since they're on my side, I'm cool about this.

"That Man is stronger than all of us combined, even without his Pokemon! You have to hurry!"

Even without his Pokemon? Just what are we dealing with here?!

"The Battle Zombie bursts a can of lemonade between its eyelids. Wow, that's tough. Time to rumble!"

Welcome to the Salty Spittoon, how tough are you?

Not very, by the looks of things. Sorry, pal.

Augh! Just reading that made me flinch. Poor bastard.

If you spell subtle like... god damn it, I've already used the clip before. This is when it would have been the most appropriate too.

I find it hilarious that the Grim Reaper that Zombie Winona used was more dangerous despite being lower leveled, mostly due to the fact that it had Earthquake.

At first I thought this was talking about That Man ahead, but nope.

"This Battle Zombie is being menaced by a dark creature from another world... Best leave her alone."

????????

Enough messing around, though. Let's encounter... That Man.

[Theme I would use for this encounter, as the Kyogre/Groudon battle theme isn't going to cut it: Stealthy Shadow]

(Asimov): "Ah!"

[Asimov vanishes, accompanied by a Rock Smash SFX]

: "Oh! ... At last we meet, Jack."

: "What have you done with Asimov?"

: "You... You killed him?!"

: "If that is what you want to call it."

: "You must be... the one they call the Dark Lord of the East? That Man?"

: "That is correct. My name is Senex, and had the Order of the Afro not interfered, I would have completed the ceremony to summon another thousand zombies. How annoying. Still, you are here, and that is compensation enough."

: "I want your eyes. And I will do anything to get them!"

I know this is referencing a death god of some kind with the whole "stealing eyes" thing, but that's just nasty.

[Theme I would use for the fight against the Senex: Toccata in Blood Soaked Darkness]

Alright, this is it.

Senex is the ultimate villain of Snakewood as a whole. He's the one who organized everything - he is the one who commanded the Horsemen, Gleis and others to bring about the zombie apocalypse. Everything that's happened in the game so far can be traced back to him, and he's also the person who started the zombie apocalpyse to begin with thanks to his necromancy powers.

He's gone through multiple aliases: Lord Gravetric, the Dark Lord of the East, That Man, but I assure you that every villain (minus Chloe and the Inquisition) has been working under Senex this entire time. I love his sprite and this fight is another favorite - if only just because of the atmosphere that surrounds it.

The first of Senex's Pokemon is this ugly mushroom-looking thing. Despite the stupid look, Turmur is a legendary of all things and replaces Kyogre in the Pokedex. Yes, Senex's entire team consists of legendaries. That's how the game's rolling with the difficulty now, I guess.

Turmur is a pure

type, but it's the easiest to defeat out of Senex's set-up. A bit bulky, but that's what Calm Mind is for. Surprisingly enough, if you can be assed to do the chain quest to get Turmur, this thing can breed.

Horrifying.

On top of that, the babies it creates are FACELEECH. Well, there goes my "It's a Deoxys-ified Remoraid" theory.

Moving on.

We meet again, Shaderu!

Yes, you get to fight Shaderu for real this time. (Although it's more fair this time around)

It has a

type attack called Pulsar that does a ton of damage, but it brings a valuable question: Why the hell is Shaderu

/

? It is pretty much Dark in every way but actual typing, and that type makes no sense to begin with. Not only that,

/

has no weaknesses... so I don't know. Again, I'm not Cutlerine.

Shaderu's typing makes it vulnerable to

, which is just rich.

Damn, son!

Shaderu knows Double Edge, so that's why it has a

typing. Even with halved attack, it nearly killed Jeanne. Still though.

The very cloak that it uses out of dead children souls just got evaporated by Jeanne's fire. She freakin' purified the thing.

This Ninetales of mine is such a wonderful asset to the team.

Oooh, that's a nice design. Luca Zamon is a

/

(prototype Kyurem??) legendary that is described as the Goddess of Destruction, but she's not that much harder to defeat than the other two. She can try to freeze you, but if you brought a good Fire, Fighting or Steel type then you should be good.

[Tohru used Rock Smash!]

And with that, we've defeated the master of the zombie apocalypse. It's over...

SUCK IT, OLD MAN!

"Strong enough to beat the Three Dark Legendary Pokemon. Such power befits the bearer of your eyes... Fine! I will leave for now."

He calls them the *Dark* Legendary Pokemon, yet none of them are Dark-type. Fancy th-- wait, what the hell?! He's just leaving? Then why did I hype the **** out of the fight for?

[Senex and Temulence teleport away]

"Without you, he would have stayed and completed his ceremony. Then, we would have been flooded with the dead."

: "Adolv, what's going on? Why are you guys so serious?"

(Adolv): "It is our destiny. We are the Order of the Afro, an ancient guild dedicated to the combat of necromancy using the fighting art of Hajike. We were temporarily with the Inquisition because they seemed to be the most effective way of fighting Senex."

Get ready guys.

(Adolv): "It is Hajike: the marital art of fighting with lunacy."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. That's what it is.

Hajike is another reference to Bobobo. To quote one of our friends: "WOW CUTLERINE WAS A WEEB".

: "... I see."

(Adolv): "Jack, the Dark Lord Senex makes his lair in the fortified town of Sootopolis, in the south. We helped your brother there, but so far he has not returned. We fear the worst."

: "He's... dead?"

(Adolv): "I hope not. But in the case he is, I don't want you to suffer the same fate. Before you challenge him, you ought to challenge the Elite Four and build up your strength. They can be found in Ever Grande City."

(Adolv): "Not a problem. Oh, and take this. You'll need it to get to Ever Grande."

Oh snap, he gave us Dive. Man, this version of the Deadly Seven is cool. Why couldn't we have had these guys the entire game?

And just like that, they're gone. I'm positive the death of Asimov hit them really hard.

All that remains is what to do now for the rest of the episode.

Oh yeah, whatever you do - don't go into the art museum. Since Cutlerine didn't put any more script barriers after the zombies disappeared, you could walk into a part of the game that you're definitely not supposed to be at yet.

Now that all the fighting's done, Ace needs to be our flyboy.

"He's so full of trapped gas that if you poke him, he'll explode. Time for some good old fashioned lootin'!"

Before we leave, there's a guy here that gives you something aside from disgust.

It's just Rest, which is pretty much unchanged from what this guy gives you in normal Ruby.

Hmmm? What's with the two swimmers blocking the area?

THEY'RE ADAPTING TO THE ENVIRONMENT! NOW EVEN THE SEAS AREN'T SAFE!

Seriously though, nothing about this makes sense. I can sort of believe that the zombies get all steroid-y and get slightly more intelligent after a while, but the saltwater thing was one of their biggest weaknesses. Why suddenly change that to have an area guardian that could have just been replaced with, I dunno, a horrible smell? I mean, it would be a good hint of what's coming up ahead.

Screw it, I'm outta here.

There is a candy bar stuck in this rock. I just hope it's not ruined by the water.

Oh and Umbra, since we need Ballin for this next part you can go and take a rest.

: ("Right, I'll do just that. I'm done with this insanity for now anyway.")

Now that Ballin has Dive, we are now free to travel underwater. What a time for him to evolve into Qwilshark, too.

: ("How am I breathing?! Okay, I'm not going to question this as long as I can still survive down here.")

This room's a bit of an oddity. See, it takes you from Lilycove (where the dark patch of water was) and warps you all the way up to Ever Grande just like that.

See, wasn't that quick? I mean, wow that's weird. But I guess it's one of the few times where the whole "warping from area to area" thing has actually been in our favor.

"The League is just about safe, but even so, three of the Elite Four have been killed already."

... If Senex did it, then he's an asshole. Man, please have Phoebe as the surviving member. *crosses fingers*

Hmmmm. I would tackle Victory Road now, but we're running out of time. This place needs a chapter all to itself.

Now that we're back in Oldale, let's see what changed now that Ace can actually fly Jack around.

"This town is pretty safe. We've a barrier to the south and a guard point to the west. Zombies can't cross running water, so we're also safe from the north and east."

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha

you have no idea how wrong you are, buddy ha ha

We can't get rid of the barricade with the Arclight Spanner, so let's fly into Littleroot directly.

"He'll be dead now, of course. No one survived here. Sob... I don't need this anymore..."

Oh hey, it's that lady from Chapter 3.5. So this is when you actually get the Broken Heart from her. Man, that was such a long time ago.

Back in Dewford, I noted that this patch of water probably holds a superbonus or something. Now that we can go underwater, let's actually go and bother what's down there.

A Rock Smash rock underwater? Well... alright. I don't know what it would be blocking.

"It was a... ROCK LOBSTER!!"

NO

[Theme song for Roclobster: of course]

OH MY GOD CUTLERINE, YOU DORK.

Roclobster is a

/

type that's actually very powerful. She's like a legendary in some accounts, due to how high her stats are. Roclobster is also very uncooperative, as it took multiple retries just to catch her.

Even the Pokedex is joining in on the fun.

Since I'm uncreative, let's call her B-52. She might be useful later on.

Cut to Meteor Falls, there's a Moon Stone here. With enough training, Alice can actually become a Delcatty. I mean, at least this means she won't be rotting away in a box anymore.

Oh yeah, here's some Snake Oil for the curious. Given how this is Pokemon Snakewood I... ugh, just cut that.

Usher's submarine is still here? We can't move the boulders because we don't have Strength, but that's nothing to worry about yet.

We're really moving around this episode, damn. Now let's finally change these names.

: ("Thank you, Jack! Now everybody can stop making those horrible egg jokes!")

: ("Wagner, huh? I'll admit, it's a more impressive name.")

Helmaroc's name change was inspired by the Wagner (pronounced "vaugh-ner") from Odin Sphere. Aka. this guy.

: ("Jack, why are we at the Day Care?")

: "It's come to mind that there are some members of the crew we have to let go. Since the region is filled with zombies, I can't just release them into the wild. So I figured this would be the best place to put them."

: ("Oh, I see. Who are they?")

: "Cherry and Krusha... I haven't been able to think of anything for them. They've been outclassed by both Beatrice and Chloris, along with the new recruits we keep getting. I feel they'd be safer here than with us, you know?"

: ("That's reasonable. Say goodbye to them before we leave.")

: "Hey... you two. We've had some adventures together, but I think it's time to say goodbye."

: ("Oh... I see. You're leaving us back here?")

: ("I suppose it's just our time. See you, Jack.")

: ("So we weren't enough for you, is that it?")

: "No, it's not like that at all. Well... the world out there is getting more and more dangerous even for us. I feel you'd be safer here than any other place in the world."

: ("... I see. So are we never going to see each other again, Jack?")

: "I wouldn't say that. We'll come back to visit... But for now, we have to deal with the worst the Dark Lord has to offer."

: ("Okay. See you, Jack...")

: ("Come on, babe.")

[Jack hands the two Pokemon over to the caretaker]

: "I guess this is the best for them."

Future Dan: In hindsight, this entire sequence was also because I couldn't be arsed to think of unique dialogue for them. It, uh... was not very flattering. Granted, it's not like Jack is leaving them here forever.

Wow, our team is looking pretty hefty. We've almost filled out this box.

: "Guys, we're going to be challenging the Elite Four. This is probably going to be one of the biggest fights of our life, so we need to be ready. Who's with me?"

[All the Pokemon in the box cheer]

: "Good. Let's get down to business!"

Next time on Pokemon Snakewood, we go through Victory Road and challenge the Elite Four! See you next time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Bellamine,

, Level 43,

) - "I can't believe we've come so far in our journey."

(Ambes,

, Level 47,

) - "You're right, miss Bellamine. We sure have grown since we first met Jack!"

(Jeanne,

, Level 45,

) - "That Dark Lord wasn't even worthy of my flames. Hmph!"

(Ace,

, Level 40, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - [Is a bit tired after flyng Jack everywhere.] "Hey, Valor! I see... Jack put you on the team!"

(Valor,

, Level 41, has Plus Band,

) - "Yeah, I'm surprised too! You guys sure kicked ass out there! Way to stick it to that crusty old Senex!"

(Tohru,

, Level 46,

/

) - * meditates for the fight ahead *

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie,

, Level 33, has Leftovers,

/

) - "Damn, Ballin turned into a real beast. We're at de Elite Four now? This is getting crazy!"

(Zagon,

, Level 33,

) - "Wow, I'm so excited! We're really going places today!"

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "D-did Jack find a Moon Stone? And he plans to give it to me? Wow, that's so sweet, nya!"

(Umbra,

, Level 43,

) - "I'm curious as to what these 'Elite Four' are all about."

(Ballin,

, level 36,

/

) - "MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVOLVED THIS IS GREAT"

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - * is in awe of Ballin's new form *

(Wagner,

, Level 44,

/

) - "The fact Jack went up against Master Senex and survived, much less defeated him, is proof enough that he is a great man. I vow my undying loyalty to him."

(Chloris,

, level 43,

/

) - "I'm sure we'll visit Cherry and Krusha soon. They're nice people."

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - * soothes everybody with the aroma coming off of her rose-hands *

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Wow... Our big bro and his friends defeated the Dark Lord! Jack sure isn't a normal guy!"

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "That's putting it lightly, sis."

(Alpha, level 50,

/

) - "DAMN IT, I WAS ROOTING FOR THE OLD MAN. HE WAS A MAN AFTER MY OWN COLD, METAL HEART."

(Letro, level 31,

/

) - "OH, WHAT A SHAME. WE CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING WE WANT, NOW CAN WE, ALPHA?"

(Juno,

, Level 38,

) - "Oh man, I want to be a Banette so I can join in on the fun! This is getting really intense!"

(Menti,

, level 37,

/

) - "So that man... was the reason I exist in this form? That explains why I felt less powerful when he disappeared. I want to help Jack too..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

This is it! The final chapter of the normal game!

Chapter 23 - On Top Of The World
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

We've made it to Victory Road at last. However, since we're here...

I should take the time to mention that these levels are not the result of hours of grinding but instead bolstered by Rare Candy abuse and I am not ashamed to admit so. (the training is the in-universe explanation, cause stuffing the Crew with Rare Candies would be nasty).

See, the Elite Four in Snakewood are so nightmarishly, inhumanly powerful that I had to do this to even get a fighting chance. I'm talking mid/late-sixties while you're barely scratching level 50. Since the game isn't going to play fair, I might as well not either.

Despite that though, this should be the only cheat to proceed with the main story. The fact I even had to do this, though, is proof enough that the game is falling apart at this point.

Yeah, don't even bother. The only person getting there today is Jack and the Crew, and even then they're just barely suited to the task. One Zangol won't be able to save you, lady.

Jeanne helps Valor out by letting him get the kill on Zangol here... and as such will allow him to become one himself.

Oh yeah, at level 55 Zangoose can learn Shadow Swipe. It was originally False Swipe, but made much more lethal... and spooky, considering it's a

type move.

: ("Awww yeah. I even got a sword out of nowhere! This is hella rad!")

Zangoose needs an actual evolution like this. Sure, normal Zangoose is fine enough with his godlike Toxic Boost Facade, but imagine the possibilities.

Thankfully, the boulders are moved out of the way since you wouldn't have Strength at this point. I bet these kinds of maps are the kind Cutlerine liked the most - seeing as they take the least amount of effort to edit.

Oh, and because there's a bunch of rocks in the way, Umbra trades out Slash for Rock Smash. Trust me, this becomes a lynchpin far later into the episode.

Full Restores can just be bought. This isn't that special - if you put a Caramac (PP boost) or something else here, that'd be a better reward.

Also, there was this dude. His gimmick is that he doesn't speak and just resorts to ellipses.

Valor, in his new form, dispatches Edward Nygma Jr.'s Pokemon here in short order. Each one didn't even take a second to beat.

In other words, he's a gangsta'.

"I found this in the chest of a young woman from Fortree... I fear she no longer needs it."

What?

Oh jesus, that's gruesome.

So this means that all the Broken Hearts we have are actual bleeding organs taken from dead people. That's pretty ****ed, Cutlerine.

Also, 8 out of 50.

???????

what's all this about

F-fish girl?!

I can't even explain this one in a way that would be plausible, considering that this has nothing to do with zombies or demons or anything we've seen so far. Hell, even Trolls are more likely than Fishgirl here.

Her only Pokemon is this Swampert that pretty much exists to ruin my day.

It took a tag-team by Valor and Jeanne to finally take the Swampert down. In hindsight, bringing a good Grass type would have solved this problem instantly but I don't really have the time for that.

Future Dan: *laughs derisively at past self for not getting Beatrice*

You can get some phat lewt over here.

But now you are a spook.

So let's just beat her up!

This is probably how everybody feels when Snakewood got to this point.

What could be here? It's one way only, so it's probably good.

Why do you put these in the game, Cutlerine? Like honest question. What's with the one-way horse****?!

Sigh. Thanks to the miraculous power of ~savestates~, I'm back in Victory Road to claim this Elixir.

Generic fire person retort. Yawn.

To think, without Ballin, this would have been a nightmare of a fight. When he is here though? TSUNAMI!

Snake Oil is nice, but seriously. Why not give us items that we couldn't buy, at least?

I would transcribe the rest of this dialogue, but him yelling out "NINJA!" is hilarious enough for me.

Poor Weavile. You're such a cool Pokemon, yet we never grab one in this hack.

Oh, and Sableye. They're cool too, but this isn't Gen VI so I can't get their Mega forms. Awww.

Nah. Even if the team wasn't boosted up to level 57+, that wouldn't have been hard in the slightest.

... * snickering *

Good luck, man.

Zangol is

/

and can learn Brick Break. It may as well be called Bone Break when it comes to these Persians because ****ing ow!

Crawdaunt is one of those Pokemon that I always forget existed. And not really for good reason, either. I like its design.

It's just Psychic. The only person that can learn this is Bellamine... who has already learned it naturally. Less space in the TM section, I suppose.

If someone would like to point out the reference with this, that'd be dandy.

He had a Starmie that survived two of Valor's Shadow Swipes, but aside from that display of fortitude, nothing special.

You know, when I started this adventure, I didn't expect to find a guy with a Jamaican accent to fit my Rastafarian Parasect.

But what's this?

Temulence is back to settle the score!

"You! Yes, you, child! I won't let you get away with what you did at the Department Store! I'm going to kill you!"

: "Bring it. I'l beat you again."

Jack just embraces that he's a boss. I love it.

: "I hate your arrogance!"

^ Coming from one of the assholes that always claim to be able to defeat Jack easily, this line is priceless.

[Just replay Super Cool No. 1 again.]

Functionally speaking, Temulence is no different than before aside from having higher levels. Regardless, the higher level boost might bite you in the ass if you didn't grind a bit.

It has to be absolutely embarrassing for a giant sea serpent to get completely destroyed by an electric rodent that's about a fourth of his size.

[Bellamine dusts off her dress]

: ("Are you finished?")

Graceful as ever. Even if she wasn't powered up, this would still end the same way.

Who would have thought that a little nerdy pufferfish (yes, that's how I've pictured him this entire venture) would have grown up into a Pokemon that would make even Gyarados cry?

: ("Entei, you'll regret ever serving this guy! I'll drown you out!")

I'm so proud.

"You haven't heard the last of me!"

We actually do see him later. I originally thought we didn't.

For now, though... We have a greater challenge ahead of us.

Pictured above: Great challenge.

Seriously though, this guy sells you stuff. I need to look into what these do (the Miner TM says it has to be "unlocked" first), but for now I'm not going to buy what he has.

"It used to be that beyond this point, only the Trainers with all eight Gym Badges could pass... But really, everybody who makes it here is so strong now because of all the zombies... Look, you've got six of eight badges, and something that proclaims you to be a certified Knight. I'm thinking that's good enough, yeah?"

This is probably the most sensible thing that's happened in the past few updates.

"Reach for the sky, defeat the Elite Four and all that stuff! Go forth and conquer!"

Excellent.

: "Oh man, this is pretty... intense." [Heart pounds against chest]

This is our first challenge. Some green-haired chick that replaces Sidney.

"I'm Caitlin, and I'm going to be beating you up!"

Fun fact, in the original text, she said "I'm going to be beating up up!". I found it kind of funny.

[Theme I would use for all Elite Four minus the last one: Megalomania]

Alright, here comes the gauntlet of torture. Caitlin looks pretty good even if her ponytail looks like a stalk of seaweed. She's a

-based Trainer, despite looking like

with the swimsuit. (Then again, Phoebe was

and she was dressed up as a hula girl, so...)

Standard procedure for the first two fights...

Until this asshole comes along and nearly kills Bellamine in one swipe! Kenchukuo are my most hated Pokemon in this part of the game, mostly due to the fact that they're so blistering and they tend to outspeed you. The fact it looks like a demonic Gardevoir doesn't help it any.

This one may have gone down in one hit thanks to Bella's wonderful 190+ Special Attack stat, but I assure you: There are more of these things.

Oh, and a completely unthreatening Machamp was here.

Since I don't want Bellamine to hog all the glory for the

-type Elite Four, Jeanne gets the final hit.

I still don't jive that Jack is supposed to be 16 in this game. He should be like... 20 or something at least.

At the very least, Caitlin is graceful towards her loss. If she were a real Elite Four, she'd probably be cool.

This is not Sidney even though they look pretty similar.

"In Sweden, we have a very good understanding of what makes a good fight scene, especially for cops. These Flying Pokemon are good at that too!"

A Swedish action movie cop that works as one of the new Hoenn Elite Four as the

guy. Next you'll probably tell me he writes his own one-liners.

Benny's first Pokemon is this Tropius that tries to put you to sleep. Ambes had none of that and went straight into decking her in the face.

Oh, god damn it. Level 60 already...

See, the three level difference from the last one is enough to make this guy (girl?) into a nightmare as Kenchukuo's game is speed. This one knows Earthquake, so Kenchukuo would just murder Jeanne before she can do anything.

Thankfully, Bellamine can stand up to an Earthquake and -- wait a god damn second. Look at Kenchukuo's health.

She survived with literally 1% health left?!

You've got to be ****ting me.

Thankfully, the A.I is dumb in that it likes to spam Full Restores when their mon's health is in the red. It's a sigh of relief because it gives me a free attack.

Ambes shoots down a Swellow who is nowhere near as cool as Ace. Fun part, he didn't even try to. He just sneezed and she was gone.

There was an Altaria before this (the screenshot got overwritten because I wasn't paying attention to the keyboard) that unfortunately got Ambes because I didn't have the Bright Idea to use a healing item on him, hence why Bella is landing the final blow on this sucker.

Unfortunately not. You'd be a great actor at the Film University, though.

"You are very good, to beat a trained Swedish Policeman. I think you can go far!"

I find it hilarious that when the game is easy, it's pissing me off with annoying characters and dumb story. When the game is hard, the characters are more likable and the plot is less silly. How does that make sense?

You okay there, buddy?

: ("Sorta, yeah. I'll just... rest a bit before we have to fight again.")

If you hadn't guessed yet, Glacia is the only surviving member of the old Elite Four. Which means that poor Phoebe was eaten. My heart heaves.

(oh and sidney and drake, that sucks too)

"I am Glacia. I came here from far away, but ended up staying. I was too strong for the zombies to get. Let's see if you're any good."

This brings up a giant question. Why is Glacia the only one to survive? I mean, the other three weren't half bad as trainers. They're called the Elite Four for a reason.

I like the redesign she got in ORAS, though. It fit her "ice queen" theme a lot more than her "I'm from the Alps" clothing in Gen 3.

Glalie wasn't that special aside from taking two Flamethrowers to the face before she finally gave up. Then again, Jeanne was going easy.

Walrein gets punched to submission by Valor, and probably got German Suplexed in the process.

Oh, that wacky Weavile.

: ("Oh my god, I think I see what everybody else is talking about!")

Damn it, he caught on.

You know, despite Articuno being a graceful blue bird that represents Ice... Ambes is still gonna roast her like a chicken.

"Your spirit burns with fiery passion. How can ice stand against such flame?"

All in all, aside from Weavile, Glacia is actually the most normal (and the easiest) of the Snakewood Elite Four. Then again, she's the only person who's an actual character from the games.

Indigo? He must be a big hot shot, then.

Well, uh... he doesn't need legs to fight, it seems.

"I am Indigo, the Thunder King. With the power of the sky, I'll strike you down!"

Oh? Well, come on then!

[Theme I would use for Indigo: Into the Dark Night]

Yes, he's cool enough to have his own theme. He's probably the coolest human sprite edit in the game yet, and he takes full advantage of that title with all of his

Pokemon.

Also, what is he? Is he some kind of Mortal Kombat Raiden-esque thunder god?

His first Pokemon was a Luxray that nearly killed Jeanne in one hit with Earthquake, but Confuse and Burn managed to take them down easily enough.

[Valor used Slash!]

: ("Eh. He should be alright... Can't say the same for myself, though... oof.")

rude... crude dudes alert

That's... that's really a level 67 Zapdos. You're killing me here, Cutlerine.

: ("In my eyes, even the mightiest among you looks no stronger than an infant. You still mean to charge at me and Indigo head on?")

: ("I... I have to! We have to prove our strength by defeating you! We need to build our strength up to defeat the Dark Lord!")

: ("Very well then. I praise your bravery even if it might cost you your life, young warrior.")

Thanks to Ambes's typing, Zapdos can't just murder him instantly... but this still took me a while to finish. He's a really hardy bastard, not helped at all by the Full Restores that Indigo keeps using.

Still though, in the context of what's happening, Ambes (A regular Raichu that we originally picked up as a level 6 Pikachu back in Petalburg Woods) is fighting the legendary bird of

and is standing his ground despite being ten levels lower than him.

That, my friends, takes some massive cojones.

(If this were Gen 6 and Ambes had Lightning Rod though, this would be hilariously one-sided for Zapdos.)

[Ambes used Ice Punch!]

: ("... Urgh! Well done, young warrior. You just may have what it takes... to save this world.")

: ("We've made it this far for a reason.")

(I know this is dramatic and all, but aren't these guys as strong as Jack and the Crew? If not more so? Why do we have to do it ourselves? Whatever.)

Ampharos here is pretty annoying. He likes to paralyze you and wail on you with Thunder Punch. Unfortunately, Umbra doesn't survive his assault.

Oh, and he likes to be a tool and keep 1 HP thanks to his Chaos of Oden (Focus Band). This happened twice, despite the fact that the Focus Band is only able to protect you 10% of the time. Just my rotten luck, I suppose.

Bellamine manages to put him down, thankfully. I don't know how much my temper would have held out if the Chaos of Oden/Focus Band managed to save him three times.

Oh hey, another Gen 5 Pokemon. Not that it matters though, cause Zebstrika is pretty easy.

Don't let the red health fool you, Valor managed to take 'em down without much hassle.

The Martial Art of Not Dying? Thanks, I practice it a lot.

"Now go on to the next room."

Indigo is playing too cool for school.

Just a reminder, guys. This is a team that was bolstered from mid 40s to high 50s through a Rare Candy cheat... and we still got our asses whupped five ways to Sunday.


Like hot ****ing damn. (Seriously, go look at the team-setup of the last episode to see how much they increased)

Yes, you really are supposed to grind over twenty levels (if not more) just to make the Elite Four comfortable. The level increase is so steep and punishing that I've seen a ton of people give up before they even reach the Champion! It's that bad.

It's as if Cutlerine really didn't want people to finish (or enjoy) Snakewood the more he worked on it.

Thanks to Jack's endless source of Full Restores and a Revive, the team is back in ass-kicking order. Let's finish this.

: "This is it... the Champion. Can't turn back now."

[Current audio in-game: Pre-Champion theme]

I love this pre-Champion theme. It emphasizes that you're at the end of your journey and you're about to face the biggest fight of your life. It's only second to Cynthia's pre-battle theme, though.

"Hum, hum, hum... Oh, you want to fight me? That can be arranged. Shall we, then?"

Short and sweet, just how I like it.

[Theme I would use for this fight: My Dear Comrade]

Oh, what the f-- it's literally Tower Tycoon Palmer with a different name and title! His sprite isn't even edited! How shameless can you get, Cutlerine? (don't answer that)

Despite the... originality, he's actually one of the hardest fights in the game.

Hitmontop can't do anything to Bellamine, so I took this time to charge up with a Calm Mind.

It was worth it. I wish I could have gotten a Hitmontop for myself in Gen VI just to clear out the National Dex.

God damn, this thing is nearly level 70! How are you supposed to do this again?

Despite the intimidation factor, all Bouffalant does is use Swords Dance and leave himself wide open for Valor's Brick Break.

Ramshaker is one of the most annoying Pokemon in the entire hack and this fight shows it at its worst. Ramshaker has Bright Idea, so the thing will erase you from existence if you give it a chance.

Yes, you are reading that correctly. I used an Elixir to restore Jeanne's Flamethrower. This fight got so bad that I had to resort to using the "too good to use club" items.

Once again, Valor steps in to save the day. That's my boy.

oh sweet jesus why, why, why

A level 73 Kingmadio?! It was bad enough with the one that was just level 1! Why must we live in a world where this thing exists?

See, here's the thing. This Kingmadio can do either two things: Splash or Toxic. Jeanne thankfully has two options to kill it (Confuse Ray and Burn), so she won't be running out of moves any time soon. (Toxic is also a move that Kingmadio cannot learn without cheating so way to go, Cutlerine)

There's just one problem, though. Mr. Super-Original likes to spam Full Restores on Kingmadio whenever he gets into the red, completely undoing whatever damage you did and possibly screwing you over. You could claim the first Kingmadio was just an eccentric mistake, but this is a full-fledged one-fingered salute to the player and whatever fun that could be mined out of this.

By some divine blessing, Jeanne managed to exorcise Kingmadio without the Champion healing it up. That should be the last Kingmadio we ever have to fight, so I'm infinitely thankful.

... What the hell is that.

Believe it or not, that's what Cinderco (you know, the little grenade bird) evolves into if you give it a Leaf Stone. It's a

/

orange monster with Voltorb's eyes that's just... wow, I don't think the stupidity behind this thing can be summarized better than with a little song.

Everybody sing it with me now:

♪~WHAT IS THIS HORSE****, WHY IS IT A THING~♪

aaaaAAAAH IT HAS A SIGNATURE MOVE!

... Oh. Well, that's not so bad. It lowers your Attack if you get hit by it though, which makes Valor less feasible for this fight.

Ballin eats the freakin' thing after dipping it in water. Can we move on, please?

Oh, would you look at that? Another Roclobster! And since he has legendary stats, he can easily rip apart the entire team!

Umbra used Rock Smash to lower Roclobster's defense offscreen. He was beaten into submission as a result, so Valor's here to take the revenge blow.

[Valor used Brick Break!]

This is how I feel about Snakewood in general, actually. But hey, we beat the Elite Four and the Champion!

I know, right?

"Oho, congratulations! It's been a long time since anyone other than Steven Stone beat me!"

No wonder, given the rat**** insane Pokemon you use. Where's Steven now, actually?

"Amazing, isn't it."

... Oh, he's just there. He's like one of the few people that didn't get eaten or killed as the game progressed.

"My Bronzong tells me that there's a disturbance in your mind. Oh well, I suppose that's your business. Don't mind me - I just like to look in on those who beat the Champion."

... That's... disconcerting.

"Oh wait, you've got a Pokedex now, Jack! I'll rate it for you!"

Birch is here too? Oh man, this conversation would have turned awkward fast if he realized this was May's Pokedex.

: "Hmhm... So you've seen 160 Pokemon and caught 34 Pokemon..."

Like it really matters in the world we live in anymore? What really matters is a group that's dependable, not a collectathon.

"That's good. I never got a Pokedex. I just wrote it all down on the back of Prof. Elm's balding head."

Nobody cares, Mr. Super Original.

Now this I do care about. Lead me there, crazy man.

"Hey, guys. Only Jack and I can go past here. Steven, you're not the Champion anymore, you know?"

Steven: "Naturally. We'll wait, right, Birch?"

"This is some kind of room where some famous people are remembered... Eh, ask Steven about it. I'm just gonna register you."

I've always liked the look of this room. Where did this guy come from, though? Just out of the ether like the rest of the crazy people?

We finally managed to get this far. I'm impressed, to say the least.

: ("Aw, hell yeah! We're famous now, baby!")

: ("We did great! Congratulations, everybody!")

: ("I'll admit, I could get used to this kind of admiration.")

: ("Man, we kicked ass! I never thought I would even be... here, you know?!")

: ("Whoa! I can't wait to tell Shine and Spark! They're gonna be so proud of me!")

: ("... I'm not usually fond of this kind of attention but I'm glad I could help.")

: "Sweet! Let's celebrate, guys! Tomorrow, we're going to seal the Dark Lord's demise!"

[Current audio in-game: Credits]

Well, that's the end. (I guess?)


Now we just have to watch the credits roll with Not Jack Landon riding through the landscape. Granted, I'll give Cutlerine slack for not being able to change the Credits considering it's fully animated.

[Various images of The Crew show up]

If this were a Nuzlocke and I lost some of these guys, this part of the credits would have been more heartwrenching than it needed to be.

... You know, in the context of Snakewood's "story", Landon and May might actually be fleeing from Senex's forces in this ending. Then again, that's giving the game way too much credit.

Well, that's the end of Snakewood.

... I'm just joshing you. The game isn't done yet - not by a long shot! See you next time on Let's Play Pokemon Snakewood where we tackle the "postgame" and get a real conclusion!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Bellamine,

, Level 58,

) - "Jack, are you drinking again?!"

(Ambes,

, Level 58,

) - "Yeah! Me and that Zapdos had a hell of a time - we kept countering each other's moves, but Ice Punch let me come out on top!"

(Jeanne,

, Level 58,

) - "Hmmhmm~ Valor was a knight in shining armor. I adore how he always helped me when we got cornered."

(Valor,

, Level 58, has Plus Band,

/

) - "We sure whipped them good. I have no idea what was up with the weird fire orange, though."

(Umbra,

, Level 57,

) - [senses a malicious force on the horizon and shivers]

(Ballin,

, level 58,

/

) -[is telling a story to the others]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie,

, Level 33, has Leftovers,

/

) - "Eyyyyyyyy! Congratulations, you guys! We need to party 'till we drop!"

(Zagon,

, Level 33,

) - "I... wouldn't recommend that, Reggie? I mean, Jack and the active Crew still need to be able to fight the Dark Lord..."

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "Nyahahaha! You guys were awesome! I'll always feel safe with you guys around!"

(Ace,

, Level 40, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - "Valor is a man after my own heart. The fact he came back a hero is even better."

(Tohru,

, Level 46,

/

) - "Hwahahaha! Welcome back, champion!" [pats Jack on the shoulder hard enough to topple him over]

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - "You're the best, Ballin!"

(Wagner,

, Level 44,

/

) - "... I don't quite understand why we're celebrating while there's more danger ahead. Hmm... Well, the challenge they faced was great. So I'll let them bask in the glory."

(Chloris,

, level 43,

/

) - [is dressed up in a tiny cheerleader's outfit with Beatrice and Juno]

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - [cheers for Jack and the active Crew]

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Ambes, you're incredible! Beating Zapdos and everything else you've done... You're undoubtedly one of the best big bros out there."

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "I know, right? Our big bro's a natural born savior!"

(Alpha, level 50,

/

) - "... FEH. IF I WERE ORGANIC, THIS IS WHERE I WOULD VOMIT. SO SACCHARINE... ALTHOUGH THE DINOSAUR HAS A POINT. ISN'T THERE MORE DANGER AHEAD?"

(Letro, level 31,

/

) - "LET THE ELITE FOUR HANDLE IT. THEY'RE CLEARLY STRONG ENOUGH TO PROTECT THE PLACE WHILE WE REST."

(Juno,

, Level 38,

) - [is cheerleading with Beatrice and Chloris]

(Menti,

, level 37,

/

) - "... Everybody sounds so happy outside. I wish I could join the fun too...!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

Here's my Christmas present to everybody.

Chapter 24 - Sewer of my Dreams
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

[You know the drill: Morning Sunlight]

: ("Good morning, Jack! How did you sleep?")

[Bellamine opens the curtains and lets in sunlight]

[Jack grumbles as the rays of light hit his face]

: "Agh... my head..."

: ("See what I told you about drinking, Jack?")

: "Yes, mom. Anyway... we should probably get going. We still have to take down Senex."

: ("Oh yeah, that's right, we still have to slay the dark lord. That's a nice thing to wake up to, isn't it?")

Before you get any impressions, no we're not suddenly back in a magically fixed Littleroot.

"Through here is the spare room, where Trainers who have beaten the leaguemasters can enjoy a well-deserved night's rest."

Very nice considering the hell that was the Snakewood Elite Four. If I can be real here, how the hell did Cutlerine expect you to do that without grinding obsessively? From what I've seen later on, it gets even worse than that.

I've also learned that the only way to get back to Fort Draco is to use the one-way exit back in Victory Road, which is actually a brilliant idea due to the limitations he put in place.

See, for some inexplicable reason, you aren't allowed to fly to certain places such as Mossdeep, Mauville, and so on. I was afraid that Cutlerine may have screwed over the players that hadn't finished collecting everything that was there, such as the Tower I never went into for some reason. Thankfully, that's not the case.

Surprisingly enough, the post-game of Snakewood is very Chrono Trigger-esque regarding the things we can tackle. There's a ton of sidequests that have opened up now that we have access to Fly, although I'm not sure if it's really just Cutlerine not stopping the player from reaching said areas before they're meant to.

The postgame of Snakewood is as meaty as the regular game, given all the clues of phat lewt that've been scattered around this playthrough. Honestly, it's kind of a Big Deal given that this is a rom hack.

And another thing - oh wait, the Plot Guide is calling.

: "Hey! Did you find the Swampert?"

: "No, there wasn't one. Tones was a drunkard and probably just saw a fish or something. I did find out where Landon and May are, though."

: "Really?! Excellent. Where?"

"Sootopolis City, the lair of Senex - the guy behind this zombie invasion. Some kind of necromancer, I think."

Jack, what are you talking about? You know he's a necromancer - oh whatever.

: "Sootopolis, you say? That's an island... So, there must be a tunnel linking it to the mainland, since zombies can't go over running water."

See, even the game is calling ******** on the two swimming zombies. I knew they were just one-off NPCs. Thank god too, because I would have had a migraine trying to figure out how it worked.

: "I get it... Look for a tunnel in Lilycove, right?"

: "Right!"

: "You know, that's the first really good idea you've had so far, Birch. See ya!"


Claps for Jack finally getting a burn on that salty old professor.

: "Um... Thanks? Bye."

Let me just break out the good ol' Ace Express and...

We're here. I would just head straight to the tunnel, but there's some incompetence I have to show off.

If you decide to go back into the Department Store for some inexplicable reason, you'll find out that the Deadly Seven and the zombies are all back and sporting all of the dialogue they had back at the Department Store Siege.


So, because Cutlerine got super lazy at this point of the game, it's very possible to walk into a goddamn time-loop of all things.

This should also be a good indication of the postgame's stability.

But let's not dwell on that and just go into the tunnel.

.... is that

: [Makes a gagging sound]

"What are we surfing in...? Ugh, we need to get out of this stuff and onto land quick!"

HOLY GARBAGE DISPOSAL, BATMAN!

(Seriously though, I like how the surfing water is actually changed to be brown for this. It's a nice touch... if beyond disgusting)

[Current audio in-game: Th-the Sealed Chamber theme?!?]

WHAT?!

Why does such a mystical and mysterious song get used for a godforsaken sewer of all places? Did Cutlerine want the poop nuggets to be seen as long lost world treasures or something?

: ("Honestly, I should be glad I'm part Poison type. I can't imagine how it would have been if Tohru or Zagon did this, so I'm glad I'm here instead.")

Jack is still a good audience surrogate character. Break out your confidence pills, boys, you're going to need them.

These Rock Smash rocks become much more horrifying in the context of where we are.

: "I could, but Ballin only fits one person!"

^ He's definitely lying because Qwilshark are, on average, 21 feet tall.

Stay classy, Cutlerine.

You'd think that brutalizing other people's Pokemon without remorse would get to Jack and Crew after a while, if only for a bit. But then again, if they were truly innocent, they wouldn't try to attack the Crew when they're "asking" for help.

: "Them?"

Mary-Sue: "Oh, you'll see them if you keep going. The people who've been lost down here for too long. The crazy folk."

So why is she called Mary-Sue if the purpose of her existence is to give us helpful advice?

Okay, Cutlerine has to be teasing me now because this is the third buyable item that's just been lying around. Like come on, dude.

: "Okay, I have a few Chikuwa if you w-- hey, what's the deal?!"

To think if she had held off of stealing from Jack, this would have been much easier for her.

"There's something in the air here - it's like we're breathing in rotten determination and false hopes."

Yeah, I don't care. Not a good time or place to be *symbolic*.

"Abandon all hope, ye who play Pokemon Snakewood" should be a sign somewhere around here. Nice depression beard, though.

I can understand the Elite Four - the top tier "don't mess with me" Trainers of the entire region - having Pokemon with really high levels. A random person in the middle of nowhere, on the other hand, should not be this strong.

It's a common video game trope to have all of the weak guys at the start of the journey while all of the world destroyers are at the end, but this is one of those times where it doesn't make sense.

Okay, no. If this were the Madio Caves or the Inquisition Base back on the Island of Calm, then these lines would have more merit. In those places, it's understandable to get lost because they actively try to **** with your sense of direction and intentionally mislead you. The Lilycove Sewer, on the other hand, is the most straightforward dungeon in the game and by far the easiest level design-wise.

: "... How are you not able to get out of here? The entrance is a few strokes away!"

Manfred: "Don't judge me for not wanting to waft through other people's waste, son."

: "Well, alright man - oh come on, you too?!"

A-AL CAPONE?! As in 1930-40s crimelord Al Capone? That definitely explains why he would be hostile towards Jack, but still!

Valor shows his boys why you don't mess with Jack, though.

"Will you answer it?"

Given how we already have an Annoying Plot Professor, I can understand why Jack is hesitant on answering. But what the hell, let's go for it.

Mystery Caller: "I've got a mission for you. Can you accept it?"

: "Um, what is it?"

Mystery Caller: "Accept and I'll tell you."

: "Fine, I accept. What is it?"

"A long time ago, I lost a certain item when the ship I was travelling on was wrecked in a storm. I need you to obtain that item for me."

: "Where is it? What is it?"

Mystery Caller: "It's about the size of a football and shaped like a rounded cone, made of stone. You can find it in the ship wreck, where'd you think?"

: "Where should I take it?"

Mystery Caller: "I'll wait somewhere in the Sewers."

[He hangs up]

You're telling me. I don't really care though, because that means I get to notch this onto the sidequest list!

• Go to the abandoned ship and get the mystery caller's item
• Collect all fifty Broken Hearts (8 out of 50)
• Get Strength to move the boulders

This will be added to the end of each update with the team set-up just so I won't forget.

I'll give Cutlerine one thing - when he's not making them crappy, the brand new areas he makes are actually pretty decent. He's up there with Tite Kubo (the creator of the Bleach) when it comes to trolling creators.

If your name is Dirthugger and you're swimming through human refuse, then no wonder why you're a nutjob.

Again, Ambes doesn't even try and just sneezes his opponent to death despite being eleven levels lo - oh my god, what is with Ambes and the innuendos.

I can definitely agree on this.

"The Inquisition's Five Ninja are hidden around Hoenn... There's a reward for finding them all!" - the Cutlerine."

... So Cutlerine himself is a character in the game? Okay, whatever, I'm not gong to question this for the sake of whatever sanity I have left and just add it to the Sidequest List.

• Has a Wailord and Qwilshark
• Neither know Surf despite being Water Pokemon that are clearly large enough to ferry multiple people around
• Is able to fit Wailord in this narrow-ass space

Miss, how do you function?

Translation: "You're going to have a disgusting time."

Oh hey, a crate that holds an infinite amount of Super Potions. I haven't seen those in a long time, but at this point it's really just an emergency back up if you manage to waste all of your Full Restores and Hyper Potions.

: [Gargles as he slides down the rotten waterfall]

: "This is, without a doubt, the worst idea Birch has had yet."

Oh hey, there's more people. I wonder what they have to say.

"Is this what Mary Sue meant by Them?"

What.

Oh boy, more Fish Girls! I still stand by what I said regarding them not making any sense. They're not even "crazy" by the standards of the game, given all of the other things we've seen so far.

Gardevoirs will dominate everything no matter how low-leveled they are.

Swampert, on the other hand, will be today's pacebreaker. Earthquake from this guy is enough to murder everybody, so please don't do what I'm doing and bring a Grass type anything to get rid of this dude.

Thankfully for me, a well-timed Slash critical guts the Swampert and removes him from play.

"Is this where she came from?"

You know, that raises a good question. Why was she all the way at Victory Road?

However, since this Fish Girl isn't one of the cool kids that have Swampert, she gets washed away almost immediately.

In hindsight, I could have skipped this part and saved myself a lot of pain. But again, any experience is good experience.

A one-way waterfall later, and we're stuck here. This is the point of no return for the sewer, but this is also the end of it. Yeah, it didn't take that long.

The game tries to pull out some obscure reference, the usual.

Right, see. To proceed, we have to find the switch that opens one of these waterfalls.

If you were me in this situation, you would have been going

almost immediately.

Thankfully though, it's much simpler than it appears. You only have to press one switch, and picking a bad one won't reset your progress, so it's not like Lt. Surge's Gym from Gen 1 (thank god).

I don't understand how Snakewood's difficulty works. Sometimes it's soul crushingly difficult to the point where people have been driven off from finishing the game... while other times it's an utter cakewalk. Like...

With that out of the way though, let's proceed.

... Into another damn teleporter maze.

Honestly though, this one isn't that bad either. You just have to keep going into them until you make it out through the right one.

See, it's not so bad.

There's a medical kit here for some reason. I don't know why, though.

"This is the end of the sewer network. Beyond this door... is Senex. My destiny awaits."

Alright guys, this is pretty intense. Let's get this over with!

[Current audio in-game: Mt. Pyre Peak]

: "Hmph. Very droll. As you have no doubt guessed, this is a trap. The lever that would have turned off the other waterfall, the one that would have lead to Sootopolis, was broken by us."

: "Oh, great idea, Birch..."

You can just feel the resentment Jack has for going along with Birch's half-baked plans.

: "Oh, nothing. I was just cursing the guy whose idea it was for me to come here via the sew - BYE NOW!"

Oh, that wacky Jacky.

"Quickly, Temulence, return to Sootopolis and seal the other exit! I'll go after him myself!"

[Temulence and the zombie disappear in a fade to black transition]

... I don't like where this is going.

You know, give Jack some credit. He at least decides to hide here instead of staying out in the open like an idiot.

"You can't go any further, can you?"

(Mutters): "Like hell I can't!"

[Theme I would use for this scene: The Guardian]

... This is surprisingly disturbing for what it is.

: "If you think you can win, why not give it a shot?"

: ("His eyes... they've gone black. I don't think he means a Pokemon battle... I think he means magic. Time to run!")

: "The Taoist is one with the Tao, which is everywhere. Thus, I am everywhere. No matter where you go."

: "G-gah!"

Not to undermine the severity of the scene, but this is such ********. If Gleis could have done this at any time, why not do it sooner? That, and why did we need to rescue his sorry ass from the Inquisition base if he could have just teleported out with "the power of the Tao" like he says here? My only explanation is that Senex must have made him stronger, because this doesn't make any sense otherwise.

: "You don't listen, do you? Arrogant child. Do you seriously think you ever stood a chance? We have been toying with you so far. The battles of real life are not fought with Pokemon, but within men's hearts and souls. And I can crush those souls with nothing but a wave... of... my... hand..."

Edgy.

[Flash of light]

: "Goodbye, Jack."

[Flash of light]

: "NOOOOOOOOO!!"

[The screen turns completely white]

... Huh? Where are we now? Did we get teleported back home?

"So it was all a dream... Oh, thank God. So much lunacy and terror... Anyway, let's go down to get some breakfast."

Wait, so the entire game was just a dream? The zombie apocalypse was just some night terror? On one hand, I'm mad but on the other I'm relieved.

But hold on a second though. If you check the Hoenn map on the wall there, you'll find out that we're in... Sootopolis? What the hell?

(apparently the creator is from europe, given how he throws mum and pence around as terms)

"I couldn't be happier. Really, I couldn't. There can be no better husband for May than Landon."

Mum: "It's turning out to be the biggest news story of the week... Your brother and May getting married, that is. You'd better go and get ready for the wedding."

Just a reminder to everybody, Jack is supposed to be the older sibling and is only sixteen. What the ****, Cutlerine. The only way this would make sense in a way that isn't horribly unsettling is if Landon and May were like 25+.

[Jack turns to his mother, who morphs into Gleis]

[Replay "The Guardian"]

: "What is it, dear?"

: "Oh my god... GLEIS?!"

: "It's just me, dear. Just your mother."

[Jack hops off the table next to him and dashes out the door]

With a bombshell like that, you know we're in for a good time. Don't bother going to the other houses - they're all just painted walls and there's no exit from town.

: "I need help, Darren, there's a Taoist in my -"

[The kid morphs into Gleis]

: "What do you mean, Jack?

[Flash of light]

:"Wh-what?!"

[The screen goes completely white again]

: "G-gah... Accursed Gardevoir! A bit more and he would have been a mere husk of a man... Cross my path again and Faceleech will tear your tender flesh to ribbons!"

(just a bit of extra dialogue i decided to put in)

[Theme I would use for the Necropolis as the Mt. Chimney theme isn't going to cut it: Journey to the Mountain of the Demon King]

: "... Wh-what happened?'

: ("Gleis was trying to destroy your mind with his influence, Jack. If I hadn't stepped in, he would have succeeded. Are you okay?")

: "I hope I am. Thank you though, Bellamine. You really saved me back there."

: ("It was the least I could do for you.")

"Ah, this is confusing. Better to concentrate on what's happening. Where did Gleis take me?"

[Jack looks around]

: "Looks like a subterranean prison of some sort. I need to find my way out of here."

Oh man, what do I say about this entire scene? Not only was it wonderfully creepy and a bit of a mind****, it showed off how competent Gleis really is. He's one of my favorite characters in the game aside from Jack, to be honest.

"Without time to think about how he did that, it's time to fight!"

Alright, then. If he's the guy guarding Jack's cell, what kind of Pokemon does he have to stop us? The last Gaoler we met had a Corsola.

LEVEL 100?! WHAT?!

Actually, he's not that bad. See, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose this fight as you're still knocked out at the end of it. However, you could always go the "badass" route and beat him up.

Which is what I do.

Jeanne took out a level 100 Grim Reaper Scyther like it's no big thing despite being half of his level. This is why I love this woman.

(immediate regret)

Why do I do this to myself? See, Gorelax is every bit as bulky as you would expect such a monstrosity to be at level 100. On top of being nightmarishly strong and durable, the Gaoler guy will drop Full Restores on him to completely heal him back to green and undo whatever pitiful damage you might have had.

If you just want to skip this, then by all means save yourself the frustration and let him beat you up. But since I'm determined to take it out, I have to sit through the torture.

OH MY GOD THIS WAS SUCH A DUMB IDEA

To you guys it may seem like like just another screenshot, but this took about twenty minutes in-game of constant healing and reviving. And even then, at least four members of the active Crew were knocked out for this result. It was horrible.

But... I TOOK OUT A GODDAMN LEVEL 100 GORELAX! THROW OUT THE CONFETTI AND THE RED CARPET!

He tried to clap for Jack so hard that his hands fell off.

"The Battle Zombie kicks you violently in the face, and you pass out..."

This is your reward for winning, by the way. It raises multiple questions (why couldn't the zombies attack Jack directly earlier, etc.), but hey at least Cutlerine actually made something different for the astronomical impossibility when you do beat this guy.

What will Jack's fate be? What are Gleis and pals up to? See you next time on Pokemon Snakewood for the answer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sidequest List:

• Go to the abandoned ship and get the mystery caller's item
• Defeat all five Inquisition Ninja (2 down)
• Collect all fifty Broken Hearts (8 out of 50)
• Get Strength to move the boulders

Team setup:

(Bellamine,

, Level 60,

) - "Fend off the zombies!"

(Ambes,

, Level 58,

) - "Is Jack alright?!"

(Jeanne,

, Level 58,

) - * Is shooting off a Flamethrower at zombies coming her way *

(Valor,

, Level 58, has Plus Band,

/

) - * Decapitates some of the zombies with his new sword *

(Umbra,

, Level 57,

) - "Urgh... Why now of all times? Wait, is that Doctor-"

(Ballin,

, level 58,

/

) - * Floods the zombies away with Surf *

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie,

, Level 33, has Leftovers,

/

) - "Oh man, Jack and the Crew are in trouble!"

(Zagon,

, Level 33,

) - * is very glad that she didn't get chosen to go into the sewers *

(Alice,

, level 12,

) - "Is Jack alright, nya?!"

(Ace,

, Level 40, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - "If only I was there to save them...!"

(Tohru,

, Level 46,

/

) - "Things look grim for the Active Crew... but wait, who's that?"

(Pumbloom,

, level 14,

) - "O-oh no, Jack got knocked out!"

(Wagner,

, Level 44,

/

) - "Gleis took Jack to the Necropolis?! They won't survive in that condition!"

(Chloris,

, level 43,

/

) - "... Jack'll be alright. I hope."

(Beatrice,

, Level 26,

/

) - "Oh goodness!"

(Shine,

, level 12,

) - "Ambes, you can do it! Help them save Jack!"

(Spark,

, level 12,

) - "Oh man, things got really messed up in the span of a few minutes."

(Alpha, level 50,

/

) - "... I LIKE THE CUT OF THIS GLEIS'S JIB."

(Letro, level 31,

/

) - "OF COURSE YOU DO."

(Juno,

, Level 38,

) - "Whoa, they need some help! Come on, everybody!"

(Menti,

, level 37,

/

) - "... Jack's in trouble. I need to stop the necromancer at any cost! But... what good am I in this form?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rainbow Chara X]

The final update of 2015!

Chapter 25 - Jack and the Mirror of Fate

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler:

Last time on Snakewood, we got knocked out by a Battle Zombie and were suddenly rescued back to Pacifidlog Town.

What does the game have in store for us now?

: "Uhh... what happened?'

Dr. Blackthorn: "From what I can surmise, Gleis must have put you into a trance and transported you to Senex's lair. As soon as I had heard what happened, I rushed to get you back here."

: "Oh yeah, I was beaten up by a Battle Zombie..."

Dr. Blackthorn: "Yes. Now, I realize you must have believed yourself strong enough to brave Senex's fortress. This is is simply not the case, as you can see from how easily Gleis subdued you. Your Pokemon are powerful, but you yourself are still vulnerable."

(whispers): ("Damn straight we're powerful!")

Wow, the game actually acknowledged that Jack is still just a regular human being (who is apparently psychic, given how he can freely talk to the Crew). He's a good team leader, but can't do anything without The Crew at his side.

: "That's true... What am I to do then, Doc?"

Dr. Blackthorn: "You must learn how to defend yourself without Pokemon - and to do that, you must learn from a master. That is why we are here. The Gym Leader for this town, Esau, is such a master. His powers makes the Sages in the mountains seem like mere children."

^ My exact thoughts

Dr. Blackthorn: "Yes. Now, Jack, go forth and seek out Esau. He will teach you everything you need to know. I must leave now, for Senex is launching an attack on Fort Draco, and my help is needed, but do not give up!"

At the very least he's not making us do it.

[The Professor flies away on an unknown Pokemon]

Alright, then. We have a ton of things to do now that this has opened up, but let's just talk around for a bit.

"This town is so drenched with salt water that no zombies can even come close. We're totally safe!"

You know, except for the two swimming zombies that managed to guard the Lilycove Sewers that one time. If they get here, nobody would be safe then.

"Grr... No one believes me.. I saw the old man fly overhead, trailing shadows in his wake..."

[Imagines Senex flying through the air, Superman style, with a bored look on his face]

The other two people in the house talk about Senex too, which will be relevant in a bit considering their text used to be about Rayquaza.

"Want to hear about his amazing life story?"

: "... Sure."

"Listen up: A few years ago, Birch went on three hazardous expeditions to uncharted territory - the Ivy Ruins, the Muddy Tomb, and the Heated Cave. There, he found three never-before-described Pokemon, and brought them safely back to Pallet! Of course, he gave two of them to deserving young trainers, but that last one is part of his most famous research project."

Basically, Birch went to the caves where the Regis used to be and found the starters. I'd say something more about this, but to be totally honest I'm not sure if the way to activate the Regi Sidequest is the same as it is in the normal game.

There was also this dude who gave us Return because Jack and the Crew love each other.

She's giving us a Chikuwa because she wants to give some treats to Esau. Awwww.

... Okay, crazy lady you do your thing

"I was hoping to set up a branch of my company in this region, but it doesn't seem like a viable proposition right now. These were the product I'd be selling, but never mind. You may take them."

But good sir, I don't require a watc--

Oh, he gave us rollerblades...

"Those Air Treks will allow you perform tricks, such as spinning or crossing over rails."

Translation: "The Air Treks is Snakewood's answer to the Acro Bike."

Let's try 'em out.

: "AWWW YEAH, I NEVER GOT TO DO THIS AS A KID!"

: "Jack, put on a helmet!!"

[Jack skates up and down the path]

Jack is now the raddest kid on the block. Now watch his dumb ass fall face-first into a garbage can.

Seriously though, they're just white shoes that make you run on command. But damn it if it's not charming.

Okay, enough messing around. It's time to talk to Esau and get the training montage over with.

In-Universe explanation: "Reggie trained a lot offscreen"

Out of Universe explanation: "An dump truck's worth of rare candies were shoved down his throat"

Yes, the OG Parasect returns for this gym and we're going to need him.

This gym is full of monks. It's pretty obvious that these guys are few grades above the monks from the Monastery.

"Yo! This here's Esau's Gym! He and his disciples are masters of Spiral Energy, The Force, and every mystic power in existence! You're gonna need Mindforce to beat him!"

So they know the Force from Star Wars, the Spiral Energy from Gurren Lagann and possibly even more than that? Well ****, we're in for some trouble today.

You can't really challenge Esau without fighting all of these dudes, but I couldn't leave this guy out regardless considering he has a new Pokemon.

... Who has Tohru's name apparently. This is gonna be a bit confusing, isn't it?

Sage Tohru has a Claydol here that's a bit more dangerous than we're used to, thanks to knowing Explosion and being level 70. What the hell is with the difficulty now? Please, someone explain.

Guess what though?

It's very easy to trick his A.I. Thanks for the EXP, chumbo.

What the hell is a Vig--

That's... a bit unsettling.

Vigourlan here is the evolution of Vigoroth if evolved with "high personality value", even though I don't see Vigoroth evolving into this thing at all. It's AB HORSE MAN to me.

It is a

/

type that, by virtue of its type, is incredibly difficult to kill with my team. I hate this guy for the same reason as Ramshaker, but Vigourlan is faster and hits a bit harder so he's definitely worse right now.

Being Level 70(!!) does not help in the slightest.

Thanks to a massive stall war, I finally manage to take Vigourlan out with Reggie. Best part about this? Esau's Vigourlan is actually two levels lower than this guy's, which means that he's more annoying to deal with than the gym leader's. That's pretty sad.

Medicham isn't really that bad, but he can pack a wallop if you let him get an attack off. So uh... poison him to make him stop.

(out of context that sounds horrible)

"What matters is your fighting spirit!"

... ********, grandpa!

Seriously though, that's complete balderdash. Type match-ups are practically everything in Pokemon aside from movesets. You don't see someone like Jeanne fighting

/

guys, now do you?

... oh wait, she has

He has a Magneton that should have become a Magnezone by now. Just saying, if you're going to be an asshole about the difficulty you may as well go all out.

Despite Exploud being really intimidating, Valor busts his face with only two punches.

You'd think that with a 4x Weakness and having access to Poison Powder that this would end pretty quickly? Well, you'd be wrong, given how Leech Life can only do less than a quarter of his life. Everybody also spams Full Restores like no tomorrow when their Pokemon is in the red at this point of the game, so there's that too.

Reggie tells him to talk to the claw.

Pretty good, wouldn't you say?

no way seriously

Poor Weavile never gets a break.

Oh hey, something actually different.

... Not that it matters, since Ambes charcoals Dodrio with only one Thunderbolt thanks to Electric Honey. The paralyze was from him nudging Ambes.

Bellamine trivializes a Beedrill and that's all that needs to be said about that.

"The point of our existence is to provide entertainment to deities known as Gamers."

And there goes the last defense of the fourth wall, ladies and gentlemen. I hope it doesn't get so bad that I start talking to Jack directly.

It may just be a game, but there's some things it can't really get away with.

Man, it's a good thing that this isn't the Kecleon from the Mystery Dungeon games - otherwise, I'd be royally boned.

That said, though, Kecleon's Color Change makes it the most miserable Pokemon to ever live.

Jeanne and Bellamine had to work together to stop this Whiscash, given how I'm still afraid of

/

types.

Since Reggie isn't a powerhouse like the rest of the team, he does what he always does best.

That is, lacing the enemy with poison and shanking them with his claws.

"What you percieve as reality and what IS reality are two entirely different things."

Huh. That's actually kind of important considering some people like to reject reality and substitute their own.

Like how I'm doing with this game and its awful plot.

Future Dan: No you're not, though. In hindsight, Snakewood's plot is pretty stupid but it's also kinda fun. Dark Rising 1 got so bad that you actually did have to substitute the plot with your own writing... so you know, don't complain, Past Dan.

The Monks are a cool story element that don't belong in Snakewood, to be completely honest. They contrast so much with the stupid crossover wankery that it's like... what's the point?

Masquerain, despite evolving from a

/

Pokemon, is

/

. I almost forgot this and took Jeanne out. Bad idea in hindsight.

[Ambes sighs]

: ("None of these Swellows are as cool as Ace...")

Oh god, I didn't have a plan to fight a Hyperegg. Jeanne, do what you do best!

Oh damn, that actually worked out really well. See, Hypereggs have an insane amount of HP - 255 Base HP and 100 Defense/Special Defense. They are practically living blockades and exist to stall your progress as much as possible.

Jeanne and Bellamine had to bring out their best to get rid of just one, which should tell you a lot of their survivability. To think, I traded Hyperegg out for Celebi... even if Celebi is a lot better looking.

Future Dan: You haven't used her... like at all. Way to go, dude.

"Depending on your Zodiac year, fate may have different things in store."

So is Cutlerine actually well-versed in this stuff or not? It's so inconsistent.

... A... mirror. Apparently Esau is in this mirror, so let's talk to it.

Alright, we actually get a choice. If you say Candyman, nothing happens.

Let's try the vandalism answer instead.

"You try to break the mirror, but your fist curls back around on itself as you swing it and you wind up punching yourself in the face, knocking out a few teeth."

* flinch * Oh god, poor Jack.

: "Damn it! That really st-- hey wait a sec."

: "OH GOD ARE THESE MINE?!"

* laughs into infinity *

The aptly named "Some Teeth" are the King's Rock item in disguise. You can keep doing this until you have an infinite amount of "Some Teeth", which is just gross.

Let's act like that never happened and go with the right answer.

"Aha! Red Stew! Give me that, I'm famished!"

: "Sell me your birthright first!"

: "Don't think that one hasn't been tried on me before, kid! I'm Esau, and I'm a skilled hunter! There's no way you'll get the better of me, so hand over that stew!"

Yes, this is what you needed the Red Stew for. In case you forgot, the Red Stew was a buyable item from the Chef in Lilycove - it's pretty easy to get, all things considered.

By the way, I'm going to refrain from posting what Esau is a reference to due to it being revealed in the next few chapters.

[Theme I would use for Esau: Gem Guardian]

Apparently they weren't joking when they said he's powerful. The mirror he appears from is really good looking for the sprite quality of this hack.

That said though, if a level 68 Vigourlan is the weakest thing he'll throw at you, you know you're going to have a bad time.

(i have a seething hatred for

/

Pokemon, can you tell?

)

Jeanne works well with anybody, but Bellamine is her best choice. (if you know what i mean σ‿‿σ)

Basculin is... a thing? That's something that really boggles me - Zoroark is called Gigawolf yet all of the other Gen 5 Pokemon (Zebstrika, Bouffalant, Excadrill, etc.) are correctly named. So... you got me?

Ambes just barely managed to tank that Earthquake. Damn it Ambes, you're too fragile to fight against those kinds of guys!

The Basculin, on the other hand, only needed one Thunderbolt to get rid of him. Good thing too, because I'm not sure how I would have dealt with that otherwise.

Almost immediately after the Basculin, Esau throws out a Gyarados in order to scare me. Didn't work, as you can tell.

* high-pitched scream *

NOT MORE KENCHUKUO

JEANNE, DO!!

Oh my god Ambes, kick this wannabe Hawlucha's ass

YEAAAAAAAAAAAH

... * cough *

Sorry about that. I just have nightmares about those things after what happened back at the Elite Four.

Esau's final Pokemon is a Spiritomb? Neato, but not very hard to kill.

Jeanne, you are still the best of the best.

: ("Naturally.")

Not so hot now, are you?

* is shot with a 50-cal rifle *

Whoa, we actually got a badge out of this. Pretty nice, even though we've already defeated the Elite Four.

[Jack hands over the Red Stew]

:"Um, I know this guy called Dr. Blackthorn, and he said you'd train me to fight the evil necromancer that's threatening Hoenn so I can find my brother?"

: "Yes! That I can do. Meet me at Sundance Rock at midnight."

: "Wait, where's Sunda--"

[Esau vanishes from the mirror]

[The mirror turns completely white]

: "What's the deal?"

[Jack gets closer to the mirror, only to be blinded by a bright flash of light]

: "G-gah!"

[The light clears, with no visible difference]

: "What just happened? Guys, do you feel any different?"

: ("I... don't know, Jack! What was that light about?")

: ("Wait... I'm getting in contact with the team in the boxes. Apparently...")

: ("Their levels were dramatically increased! Some of them have evolved, even! What kind of miracle is this?")

: ("Apparently that light was the cause. I swear I could have seen something inside of it...")

: ("No way!")

: ("What kind of force could power up multiple Pokemon at once?! I'm... not complaining though, because that sounds like it could help us out a lot.")

: ("I'd rather we not stand next to this freaky mirror and just go already.")

This is not an event in the game, this is just something I put in to justify the levels for the rest of the story. Everybody in the box is now super charged mostly because I can't raise so many Pokemon up for end-game legitimately.

Future Dan: Now complete with a cameo of a character we won't properly meet until Dark Rising 2.

: [Gasps in awe of her new form]

Of all the Pokemon that got evolutions, Zagon's is the most noticable.

See, Dragoone is a

/

type that has a staggering 175 Special Defense! They learn a few moves on level-up such as Outrage, Dig, Fire Pump and so on, but they can't be taught any TMs. Dragoone can only learn HMs as they are designed to be HM slave - the Pokemon.

Despite this, Dragoone is very powerful if utilized correctly. Too bad Ballin' took her spot, I guess.

Alice, are you ready?

: ("W-wow! Yes, of course, nya!") [sniff]

This scene is almost note for note Ambes's evolution only with a pink kitty instead of an electric mouse.

: ("Thank you, Jack. I'm glad you never forgot, nya.")

: "Nobody gets left behind, you know?"

Here's the active team. In hindsight, we're horribly underleveled and this is a terrible idea. Despite this though, watch me beat this game anyway.

I can't believe I forgot to do this back when I was first here.

You'd think we'd see a little action given how Dr. Blackthorn had to leave us alone to help around here, but there's nothing at all. That's a bit lame.

Cool-looking tower, though. However, if you read the sign, it just says it's the Mossdeep Gym.

... Maybe it's a leftover sign that they use to block the path? I don't know.

It is pretty much the Shakyamuni Tower from the Monastery only much shorter. It even has the same music!

Stepping on that tile won't do anything, so we'll just leave it alone.

"It flew away a while ago because of the encroaching evil."

Really? Because I've seen what that Pokemon is and it doesn't have wings.

It's not here now though, so that's a shame.

... Dragon disgu-- is this that actor guy from the Film University? Did he like the dragon costume so much that he wanted to actually be with them?

Oh snap, it's one of the Five Ninja instead. Not that it really matters, considering that I'm going to drop that notch off of the quest list after this update. There's not really a good reward for doing it anyway.

Since you were supposed to come here earlier, this was intended to be threatening. Or maybe it wasn't. I don't know when it comes to Bellamine.

Riiiiight, that you aren't. You totally aren't just saying that because I beat your ass into next year.

You can find wild Psypigs and Vulpix here for... some reason. I'm just saying, if you've gotten this far and you don't have a good team already then you might be kinda ****ed.

The tower only has three floors, and the X-tiles don't do anything. So I don't know why they're there aside to mark "that's where you need to go, asshat".

Wow I can't believe I actually got this out before midnight. Next time on Pokemon Snakewood we'll get into some trouble.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sidequest List:

• Go to the abandoned ship and get the mystery caller's item
• Collect all fifty Broken Hearts (8 out of 50)
• Get Strength to move the boulders

Team setup:

(Bellamine,

, Level 60,

) - "A man inside of a mirror and everything else that's happened... I know I shouldn't be bothered, but it's still so bizarre..."

(Ambes,

, Level 60,

) - "Okay, I'm getting kind of tired of all the waiting we have to do. Why can't these people just help Jack without doing something crazy?"

(Jeanne,

, Level 60,

) - "Alas, Ambes, if it were only that easy..."

(Valor,

, Level 62, has Plus Band,

/

) - "Man, this is ********. Why don't those guys back at the Pokemon League do this instead of us? They're better suited for the job than we'll ever be.

(Ace,

, Level 58, has Anadrin Talon,

/

) - "Well, we beat them, so... I guess we're better? I don't know?"

(Ballin,

, level 62,

/

) - "I know, right? We just can't catch a break, can we?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Reggie,

, Level 61, has Leftovers,

/

) - "'Eyyyyyy, everybody looks great."

(Zagon,

, Level 63,

/

) - "Whoa... I'm a dragon now! I have no idea how this is physically possible, but it's still so cool!"

(Alice,

, level 62,

) - "Nyahahaha! I just knew he'd come back for me!"

(Umbra,

, Level 62,

) - "I'm impressed. We seem to have grown a bit stronger from that light... but I'm afraid it still won't be enough for the threat ahead."

(Tohru,

, Level 60,

/

) - "My muscles seem to be a bit more toned than before... Is it the cause of that strange light?"

(Pumbloom,

, level 56,

) - "WOOOOW! I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVOLVED!"

(Wagner,

, Level 57,

/

) - "What is this strength filling wings? Have we possibly grown more powerful?"

(Chloris,

, level 61,

/

) - "... Whoa... Is anybody else feeling a bit woozy from that?"

(Beatrice,

, Level 50,

/

) - "Not at all, my dear. In fact, I feel better than I ever have been!"

(Shine,

, level 33,

) - "WHOA! Spark, did you feel that?"

(Spark,

, level 32,

) - "Yeah, sis! It was pretty wicked."

(Alpha, level 55,

/

) - "IMPRESSIVE FORM CHANGE. I BET YOU THINK YOU'RE A HOT SHOT NOW, DO YOU?"

(Letro, level 50,

/

) - "OH PLEASE. COMING FROM YOU, THAT'S A LAUGH."

(Juno,

, Level 60,

/

) - "A-A-AAAAAAH! What just happened?! Why am I suddenly a Banette now?!"

(Menti,

, level 57,

/

) - "What's this? I don't feel as bad as before... but that's not saying a lot considering - oh jeez, my ear just fell off."
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