Metagross's Secret, PG-13

Metagross's secret
PG-13 (Due to some violence and language)

Chapter one- Duke and Metagross

Duke was sitting there in the pokemon center waiting for his pokemon to be healed. He only had one, and it was his trusty metagross. Everyone had always been trying to tell him to get more pokemon, even if it was just more metagross', and he would never beat the elite four with his one pokemon. But whenever he took out a pokeball to catch a new pokemon, metagross would just stare at him, and he would put the pokeball back. Duke was a 5'7 22 year old boy who weighed about 170, most of it being muscle. At the moment he was wearing swim trunks and a tee-shirt.

"Alright, your pokemon have been fully healed!" Said nurse joy with a smile.

Duke took the pokemon and left the center. He stepped outside into the quiet little town of paciflog. He frowned upon it due to its lack of gym, pokemart and basiclly human exsitence. There were only about 20 houses. Some with small familes of four, but most of elderly men who just sit on the porch and gaze at the endless sea. Whenever he looked around he saw those old folks either sitting or talking amoungest eachother. He wanted to quickly get out of there so he could get back to lilycove. He went back to the pier where his fathers boat sat. It was small and fit about 10 people. But at the moment it was only him and his best friend (who was driving) Dylan. He had known dylan since he was four years old, but he knew little about him. The only reasons they were friends was because they were both outcasts in their schools. Duke was an outcast due to him only having one pokemon. Most kids would make fun of him but he would battle them and easily win. Dylan was an outcast because of his weight. Until he was 15 he was very overweight. At 14 he weighed nearly 160 pounds! Then he started working out and he still weighed 160 pounds but it was mostly muscle. Dylan would sometimes tell duke to get more pokemon but duke just stared at him. Dylan had a wide variety of pokemon, and sometimes he even offered Duke one of his pokemon, but Duke just said no.

"Hey, take ya long enough to get your pokemon healed?" said Dylan.

"Shutup, i had some other things to take care of, come lets get out of here, this place freaks me out, theres nothing going on here."

"Whatever you say, boss," said Dylan sarcasticly.

Duke let out his metagross for some air. Duke left metagross to do what he had to do. Duke took off his shirt so he could get a tan. He dozed off for a while but woke up to the feeling of rain drops of his chest. It really hurt him and when he looked at himself he was sunburnt. He put his shirt back on and walked up to dylon.

"Hey *******, you didn't wake me up to tell me i was getting burnt?" said Duke.

"Oh, you were burnt? said Dylan with a devilish grin on his face. Next time remember to put on sunblock"

"Hey, where did metagross go?"

"Oh, he went downstairs, he was getting rusty from the rain" said dylon.

Duke went downstairs and saw metagross on the floor sleeping. Duke sent his metagross back to his pokeball and sat down and rested. Five minutes later dylon was yelling down that they were in lilycove. Duke was determined to try and catch a second pokemon, if his metagross would let him...
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okay what did you think for chapter one? I know it wasn't so interesting but it will get much better in the later chapters. Post and tell me what you think, give some advice and some even criticize.

It's okay... but I think you need some help with grammar and things.

1) Put the title of the story in the thread title next time.

2) Use a LOTT more detail in things. What was Duke doing while waiting for his Metagross to be healed? Reading a magazine, watching trainers with other types of pokemon besides his? Anything?

3) Use a spell checker. I can kind of tell you wrote this in the reply box because you didn't check anything.

4) When people talk, it shouldn't be like this:

"Whatever you say Boss" Said dylan sarcasticly.

Click to expand...

It SHOULD be like this:

"Whatever you say, boss," said Dylan sarcastically.

Click to expand...

- Boss isn't his name; don't capitalize it.
- Capitalize Dylan because it's a name
- Put a comma when someone is done talking, and when it's followed by "said whoever"
- Don't capitalize 'said' or 'asked' or whatever you put there
- You spelled sarcastically wrong

5)You're saying things that aren't necessary. Why does it matter that Duke weighted 160 pounds at an age of fourteen?

6) Type out your numbers.. 14 can be fourteen. 20 can be twenty. There's no reason not to type them as long as it's under 100.

Anyway, hope this helps.

diamondpearl876 said:

It's okay... but I think you need some help with grammar and things.

1) Put the title of the story in the thread title next time.

2) Use a LOTT more detail in things. What was Duke doing while waiting for his Metagross to be healed? Reading a magazine, watching trainers with other types of pokemon besides his? Anything?

3) Use a spell checker. I can kind of tell you wrote this in the reply box because you didn't check anything.

4) When people talk, it shouldn't be like this:



It SHOULD be like this:



- Boss isn't his name; don't capitalize it.
- Capitalize Dylan because it's a name
- Put a comma when someone is done talking, and when it's followed by "said whoever"
- Don't capitalize 'said' or 'asked' or whatever you put there
- You spelled sarcastically wrong

5)You're saying things that aren't necessary. Why does it matter that Duke weighted 160 pounds at an age of fourteen?

6) Type out your numbers.. 14 can be fourteen. 20 can be twenty. There's no reason not to type them as long as it's under 100.

Anyway, hope this helps.

Click to expand...

thanks for the advice, but i never said duke weighted 160 at 14, i said dylan did but it was probably a typo, but i only said that so i could explain the history, but if it wasn't necessary, sorry but theres nothing i can do about that now. I'll type out my numbers and i'll use a spell checker. i'll also start using more detail, thanks for the advice.

No, I don't think it was a typo. I just probably got them both confused. It's what happens when I'm tired.. =( That was my fault.

Anyway, hope to see some improvement in the next chapter, then.

Chapter 2-Trying to catch a pokemon

Duke got off the boat and saw the town of Lilycove. Dylan had to leave because he was going to Ever Grande City to hone his skills and to challenge the elite four. They said their good-byes and duke sent out his metagross. He was determined to catch a new pokemon. He went just outside Lilycove and saw a wild shuppet.

"Hmm, a shuppet...go metagross use psychic, but don't kill it," commanded duke.

"Meta, metagross," said metagross.

A powerful beam of light beamed out of metagross and critically hit the wild shuppet. It didn't K'O it, but it left it with little HP. The suppet fought back with a shadow ball. It barely effected the steel-type pokemon metagross. Duke took out his pokeball from his pocket.

"Go, Poke-," started Duke.

But then he looked at his metagross. His eyes just stared directly into dukes eyes. It felt as though he was hypnotizing Duke. Duke put the pokeball back in his pocket.

"Uh, nevermind, go metagross finish shuppet with a meteor mash," shouted Duke.

Metagross summoned dozens of meteors from the sky and they all came down on the innocent shuppet. The shuppet was immediatly K'O'd from the first meteor. Duke was dissapointed that again he couldn't catch a pokemon. He looked at his metagross.

"Why won't you let me catch just one pokemon," said duke in a defeated and dissapointed voice.

Metagross looked back at him and to be honest, he looked pleased with himself. Duke sent metagross back into his pokeball. It was getting pretty late and starting to rain so duke ran back to lilycove. There were many hotels, but he just chose the cheapest one. It was the "Hotel Lilycove". He checked in and quickly fell asleep. Later on during the night, while duke was fast asleep, metagross let itself out of its pokeball, which was very hard for a pokemon to do. It quickly exited the room and went downstairs. Nobody was awake so nobody saw metagross. it went outside and then...

To Be contined

Your last chapter was short. It barely reaches a full page. That's not long enough to tell a good chunk of the story. Strive for three pages at the least.

You still really need to edit your title. If you want to change it, PM the moderator of this section so he can do that for you. (He's on vacation now.) Because the real title of your fanfic will catch more attention. They'll want to know what Metagross's secret is.

You need to capitalize proper names. Duke, Dylan, and the names of the Pokemon and places need to be capitalized all the time. It's the same thing with the first word of each sentence. So if you don't do that automatically as you type, you should go back and read through the chapter to catch your mistakes.

We really don't need to read the specifics of Dylan's and Duke's bodies. Just say that Duke was muscular from traveling, or something of that sort. Really, those paragraphs about the men were just information dumps. Try to find an interesting way to include that in your story, instead of just always telling the reader. (Though there are times where you need to just tell the reader. Ah...I'll stop before I confuse myself.)

There does need to be more description. Scenery, what the characters do and how they feel. Basically, a scene is action, and how the character reacts to it. And your description of the battle with Shuppet could be added onto.

Lastly, it's all right to finish a chapter with a cliffhanger. It's not all right, however, to end your chapter with an unfinished sentence. Finish the sentence that you're writing on an interesting note to keep the reader wanting more. If you just drop the sentence off without finishing it, the reader will feel like they were cheated so badly, they couldn't even get a full sentence.

Ah, I'm just adding onto what diamondpearl876 said previously. Just follow our advice and check out the stickied threads in the Writer's Lounge (and the rules too), and keep writing.

Yea, three pages, but nevermind Hanako, he said this is his first story.

i'll try...

okay sorry for the "not finishing the sentance cliffhanger thing" but i couldn't find a better way to end it. I'm trying my best to fiz my grammatical errors, but i'm not sure what you mean by three pages, i'm just trying to make it long... whatever chapter 3.

Chapter 3-Metagross's real identity

Metagross went outside and then started barreling down the streets of Lilycove. Metagross stopped when it got to the shore. It could see in the distance the Team Aqua/Magma Base. Metagross wanted to go there really badly, and although some people said that pokemon didn't have feelings, metagross did. It started to wimper and shake. Then from behind him he heard footsteps. He thought it was Duke so it didn't even turn around. When he the person got to him, he found out it was Duke, but it was Archie, the leader of Team Aqua.

"Oh La La, what have we hear? A very strong metagross perhaps," said Archie with a devilish grin.

Archie took out a net from his pocket and began to wrap Metagross in it. Metagross, being a fighter found back. It started tackling Archie, but Archie didn't seem to care, when finally Archie had trapped Metagross in his net.

"Your coming with me," Archie demanded.

"I don't think so," exclaimed a mysterious voice.

"Who goes there? Archie shouted and looked behind him but saw nobody there. I said, who goes there!"

Again he looked around but saw nobody there. Archie looked down at his net a saw that Metagross wasn't there, when he looked back up there was Metagross who had escaped with Archie even noticing.

"What, how did you? I'm so confused," said the annoyed archie.

"You shant be trapping me again," said the voice.

But when the voice talked metagross's mouth moved.

"WHAT!!!!! Its not possible, the only pokemon that was proven to talk was Mewtwo! Your an imposter Metagross," Shouted the confused Archie.

"Oh Archie, stop your ranting and babling," said metagross.

And right Before Archie's eyes, the Metagross changed form, when it finished its transformation, it took the form of a human.

"No, it can't be you! It couldn't possibly be you," said the frightened Archie.

"Ah but it is! And this time there will be no stopping me! shouted the human Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!"


To Be continued.
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did i do any better this time?

Its very interesting yes, but still the chapters are so short. Try and describe situations a bit more, maybe more description about the locations, or more information about the characters.

Do you use Microsoft word? Because there were a lot of mistakes. But not bad, I still don't see why a trainer can't control his own Pokémon.

cjoey97 said:

Yea, three pages, but nevermind Hanako, he said this is his first story.

Click to expand...

Just because this is his first fic does not mean that I can't help him improve. Yes, it does mean that I can't yell at him because I don't want to drive him away from fanfiction. I do, however, want him to improve. So what? I don't give constructive criticism because it's his first story? :/ Bad idea. He might not be able to see where he needs improvement unless someone points him out to him. And you don't want him to improve because it's his first fic?

Anyhow, steel_pscyho612, I did see an improvement in terms of grammar between chapter three and chapter two. There are a few mistakes still, but I can see that you are trying to improve. That's good to see!

When I said "three pages", I assumed that you were writing on Microsoft Word, which tells you how many pages you have written. If you're not, then forget about "pages" and just try for a good length. ukballer said what else I could have said, so there's no need to repeat.

But yes, there was improvement. Just keep practicing and learning.

finally

Hanako Tabris said:

Just because this is his first fic does not mean that I can't help him improve. Yes, it does mean that I can't yell at him because I don't want to drive him away from fanfiction. I do, however, want him to improve. So what? I don't give constructive criticism because it's his first story? :/ Bad idea. He might not be able to see where he needs improvement unless someone points him out to him. And you don't want him to improve because it's his first fic?

Anyhow, steel_pscyho612, I did see an improvement in terms of grammar between chapter three and chapter two. There are a few mistakes still, but I can see that you are trying to improve. That's good to see!

When I said "three pages", I assumed that you were writing on Microsoft Word, which tells you how many pages you have written. If you're not, then forget about "pages" and just try for a good length. ukballer said what else I could have said, so there's no need to repeat.

But yes, there was improvement. Just keep practicing and learning.

Click to expand...

thanks i appreciate some positve stuff. at least i'm doing better =]

Dachampster said:

Do you use Microsoft word? Because there were a lot of mistakes. But not bad, I still don't see why a trainer can't control his own Pokémon.

Click to expand...

Well judging by the last chapter we aren't sure if it actually is a Pokemon now it just suddenly turned into a human.

Thanks for all the good reviews guys!

Chapter 4- The Return of...

"Oh be quiet Archie, you can quiver in fear of me later, but at the moment, we have more important things to discuss," Said the mysterious Poke-Human.

"B-B-But...Your...Your," wimpered Archie.

"Yes, i know, i know, Giovanni," he said.

Dylan Got off the boat once he reached Ever Grande City.

"ahhh, finally i'm here, the magestical Ever Grande City," said Dylan.

When Dylan started to look around he saw the beauty of the city, the flowers growing all over the place and beautiful trees with exotic fruit coming out of them. He Saw baby Stantlers around the trees, looking for fruit that fell off the tree. He also saw butterfrees around the trees with pidgeottos in the trees, and beedrills pollinating the flowers.

"Its...Its," started Dylan.

"Beautiful? Is that what you were going to say," Said a voice.

"Huh? Who said that," said Dylan.

"My name is Alice, i'm a pokemon trainer, and i'm gonna go through victory road and beat the elite four. And i'm not going to let you get in my way," said Alice.

"Hmmm...and when you say ,not going to let me get in my way, what do you by that," questioned Dylan.

"I mean, we have to battle! Now," Exclaimed Alice.

"Fine, lets go," said Dylan.


Duke lay asleep in his bed when suddenly he hears voices talking outside. He wakes up and looks for his pokeball. He couldn't find it. Although he was very upset about this, he looked on the bright side for a minute. He thought this would be the perfect oppurtunity to catch a pokemon. He took an ultra ball from his bag and went back to the Lilycove field. At night it looked very creepy. Dark figures strolling around and some looking at him mysteriously. He avoided them and eventually he found a Hoothoot.

"Yes, i hope this works...go ultra ball" exclaimed Duke.

The pokeball shook once, shook twice, shook three times, and fortunatly and luckily, duke caught it.

"YES!!!! YES YES YES! I finally caught a pokemon other than my metagross! finally," shouted the extatic Duke. "Now to find my Metagross."

TO BE CONTINUED

it was a good chapter and i still cant believe he caught his second pokemon

Burst ninja said:

it was a good chapter and i still cant believe he caught his second pokemon

Click to expand...

yes he caught it, but will he be able to keep it?

Chapter 5- He caught it, but can he keep it?

"I actually caught a pokemon other than my Metagross," said Duke.

But then Duke thought back to when he actually caught his Metagross. He never actually caught it. His dad just brought it home for him one day. After that day, he never saw his dad again.

"Whatever, i finally caught something, he said. Come on out Hoothoot, lets go back to lilycove."


"Alright Archie, now we have to start talking," said Giovanni.

"About, what? I don't know what we have to talk about, except for why your disguised as a metagross," retorted Archie.

"Thats what we must talk about! I am dressed like this so that i can once again try and gain control over the world! This is the entire plan, and i need your help," said Giovanni.

"But why are you this kids Metagross? What makes him so special," Archie said.

"He is nothing special, i just need to blend in with the world," He explained.

"Okay, fine, but why me, why not Maxie? Huh, HUH HUH!!" he yelled.

"For your information, Giovanni started, Maxie has already been informed, in fact, if it wasn't for Maxie, I wouldn't even be here."

"And thats because..." Archie started.

"Maxie, is actually Duke's father."

To Be Continued.


So whad'ya think? oh and by the way, how do you like how i got the title changed?

okay since nobodys posting... i guess i'll just keep going.

Chapter 6-Bye-Bye Hoothoot

"Really? Your serious? Maxie is Duke's father," questions Archie.

"yes, he is, but we don't have much more time to talk, i'll need you to go over to the Team Aqua/Magma base and wait for Maxie, that where I told him to meet us, when he gets there come by the shore, but only around this time at night. Duke is probably looking for me. Farewell," said Giovanni.

"Alright, i'll be waiting, said Archie. But little does he know, i can persuade Maxie to be on my side, then together we can overpower Giovanni and all of his grunts. Heh-heh-heh-heh!" He muttered under his breath.

Meanwhile Giovanni is transforming back into the Metagross suite. He then started to walk back to the hotel. At this time at night, it was about 4:00, and he had to hurry back or people would see him. He got back at nearly 5:00 and people were just starting to wake up. He got himself into the pokeball. Then right after Giovanni got into the ball, Duke walked in.

"Oh, there you are Metagross, i guess I didn't look hard enough, said duke as he released his Metagross from its pokeball. And look what I got."

Duke moved aside so that Metagross could see his Hoothoot.

"Hoooot," cried Hoothoot.

Metagross looked at Duke the same way he looked at him when he was trying to catch a pokemon. But this time it was a stronger and deeper look.

"I-I'll be right back, I have to go, do something." wimpered Duke.

Duke ran out of the hotel and ran straigt to the pokecenter.

"Hey, nurse Joy, do you think you could hold this for me for a while." he said.

"Sure Duke, whenever you need it i'll be here to give it back." she said.

"Yeah...thanks," he said.


"Okay Feraligatr, fight back with hydro pump." Commanded Dylan.

"No, My Pidgeot! Exclamied Alice, go Breelom! Use Giga Drain."

"Alright go Arcanine, finish this with flamethrower!" Commanded Dylan.

"Alright, you won, fair and square. Thats a strong Arcanine you got there." said Alice

"Yeah, and that pidgeot was good, it defeated my hitmontop in one shot." retorted Dylan.

"Anyway, i was am just a test, the elite four hired me as the last line of defense before the elite four. Anyway, good luck, but be careful, Sydney ( The first of the four) is tough." she said.

"Ok, i'll be seeing ya." Dylan retorted.

To Be Continued

So what did you think?

Your chapters seem to get shorter and shorter now. Don't rush and give people a chance to read each chapter, maybe give a day or 2 before posting each chapter. It gives you a chance to add more to the next chapter your writing on.

I would rather read a few good length chapters than lots of little ones all the time.

Its harder to get into a story when the chapter lasts just a few lines.

It's even harder to not confuse your readers when your chapters are longer.

Chapter 4 was confusing to me because there isn't a good way to distinguish between Dylan and Duke. They don't have a big difference in their personalities that they tend to blend into one another. That, and their names are close. I tend to read fast, so I had to go back and re-read that part many times to figure out what was going on.

You need to slow down and describe the changes so your readers aren't rushed along. When you have three story lines in the same fanfiction, you need to slow things down. Take your time writing your chapters, giving them a good length and a good quality to your work. Also, taking a little longer to write your chapters will give your readers time to read your chapters and review. Because if you don't get reviews, how do you know how your story is doing?

Right now, this is just rushed work. Take your time on it. Take a look at this thread and this thread.